Monday, May 19, 2008

yes. i talk a lot. so do you.

I like to talk, a lot. I fully understand this about myself, and it's not something I'm at all in denial of. I can talk forever and ever and ever and ever and ever etc... But, sometimes I don't. For example, when I'm very extremely stressed I tend to do one of two things. Talk faster and faster, or stop talking completely. I'm not sure why I choose one or the other, it just sort of happens that way. There's no reason to it.

Another example of a time I stop talking, is when someone else is talking. Someone I don't feel comfortable interrupting. Last night on van patrol was one of those times. The person I was with, an older man at least twice my age, was talking and talking and talking. About absolutely nothing in some cases.... I have to admit, it kind of reminded me of what some people say about me...and I was a bit annoyed by the end. That being said, it was also between 12:30 and 3:30AM and really, I wanted to be talking about the streets not about his past housing challenges. On the other hand though, I learned A LOT last night, as I have been each night I go to work.

Continuing on the subject of my loudness, I think there are two reason I talk, well, two main reasons. One is of course that I'm not a huge van of silence. I try, but yeah, I just don't like it. I am however far, far, far more comfortable with it then I ever have been. I can deal with it. In fact in the context of a therapeutic relationship, I'm quite okay with it (well, at least when i'm the therapist). I have a harder time when I'm alone in a car with someone, or alone eating supper or something. Even then though, I'm getting better, although it does depend on the time of day... in the mornings, you'll almost always find me silent (although, we these nights, what is morning?)

The other reason I talk, is to process. I learn through hearing and I process through talking, or if I can't talk, writing. Some of you have noticed that I update this A LOT. This will probably die down after the newness of my job wears off and I have less stuff I need to process. Then only the exciting stuff goes in here. Right now I just feel like I have SO much to say and so many things to get out. I have a whole list of things I want to put in here, topics waiting to be written, because for me, in many cases, writing about them is me thinking about them and starting to understanding how I feel about the situation. So, sometimes when I talk, it's not that I'm looking for a particular response or answer, it's just that I'm listening to myself and trying to understanding and work things out.

besides. who doesn't like being listened to?

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