a less whiny post about bachelorette parties

So, I've had a lot more time to calm down and think seriously about this whole Bachelorette party thing from both a personal and more general perspective and I thought I'd share some of my thoughts.

For starters, my friend's bachelorette party is not going to be totally crazy or horribly sexual or anything like that. Some wine, appetizers, and conversation, perhaps with a few games at one of the bridesmaid's places, and then off to the bar for some dancing. Now personally, I hate the bar, I've locked up a few too many drunk people in my day (working in the drunk tank) to enjoy being around a whole bunch of drunk people, however, it's her day, so I suppose I will go.

In theory, I like the idea of a bachelorette party. It's a nice way for the girls to get together and celebrate the bride and mark the change that is about to occur in her life. You get to play fun games, maybe be a little bit "kinky" and let loose a bit. I'm all about that. I see absolutely nothing wrong with drinking a bit, eating a bit, and laughing a lot. I think it's great. For me, where it becomes a problem is when it becomes more than that, when it turns into something degrading, cruel and dangerous.

First of all, there's the degradation of both males and females. The male part is easy, we put up plastic penises (and by we, I simply mean females), we scour the bars looking for them in order to exploit them for drinks and/or money and we mock them. One might say that a bachelorette party is a way of expressing ones feminism and celebrate being female, however, I tend to disagree. I read about one game in which the bride to be has lifesavers pinned all over her shirt and men pay her in order to suck on her shirt, degrading to both parties if you ask me. The same goes for getting points for getting a man to buy you a drink, let you sit on his lap, or let you kiss him. Degrading for both parties. The entire idea of a bachelorette "gone wild" shows women to be drunk sex objects, rather than human beings.

Then there's the sex thing. These type of parties turn sex into a commodity, human sexuality into something to be bought and sold, won and lost, a subject to be joked about, trivialized and made into a show. And here's the thing, if you ask me, sex isn't those things. Sex is something precious and personal that happens between two (or I suppose more) people. Our culture says that sex is nothing, that it's just something that happens, that it's casual, that it's "no big deal", but I really don't agree with that. I think sex is something much deeper, much more meaningful, and leaves a deeper impression on people than our society would like us to believe.

Old fashioned as this idea may be, I believe that anything that happens at a bachelorette should be something that the groom to be would not be hurt, disappointed, or disgusted to find out about. That's not to say that there shouldn't be girly sharing, laughing, and giggling, and that some things should never leave the room, just as a general principle, if you wouldn't do it around your husband, you probably shouldn't be doing it at your party.

So, for any of you reading this who may at some point plan be a bachelorette party, take note. I don't want to go to a bar, I don't want there to be giant plastic penises everywhere, and I don't want to go trolling for men. What I want, is to spend some quality time with my girlfriends, have a lot of laughs, eat some food (cheesecake anyone?) and drink some wine.

(maybe some day I'll get around to talking about bachelor parties, although really, I have pretty much the same views on them too).

Day 3 of Homeopathy - Why it sucks when you're the "expert"

So, two different subjects, one post, because it all ties together. Subject one, suicide, subject two, Ignatia Amara. Let's begin with subject two.

So the homeopathic remedy my naturopath has me on is called Ignatia, and it's for grief and balancing emotions and stuff. It can make things worse before it makes things better. It's definitely made things worse, or at least psychosomatically so, I'm not sure. Nausea. Ick. Bleck. Nausea. And lack of appetite, but the nausea feels better when I eat. random. Lack of interest. Yup, I've got that. It goes along with the "lump" in my throat. Exhaustion, oh yeah. I've slept eight and a half hours two nights in a row and still been tired, despite my b12 shot on Monday. Hopefully things get better soon!

Subject 1, suicide. Without going into too much detail, there's this girl I know, younger than me, but still over 18, and she's quite depressed. I've been a non-professional support for her for four or five years now, and I know her quite well (far better then she knows me). Here's the thing though, right now she's quite suicidal from what I can ascertain and really not doing well. We both think she needs to go to hospital, but she is scared of going and keeps putting up barriers. I offered to take her tonight, but no go, barriers put up. So we're at a stand still.

Now here's the thing, if she was a client, instead of a friend, I could leave this at work. I could leave this in the client's hands, provide them with resources, write a safety plan, and I could go home. But as a friend, she has my cell phone number, and that's how we've been talking, text messages. It's harder for me to set aside, because I care about her a lot (not that I don't care about my clients and worry about them as well, but it's a different kind of relationship). But I'm stuck. She's not actively suicidal, or if she is, she's not telling me, so I really can't call the police. I've had to call the police for people before, and it's not fun, even when they're standing in front of you telling you that they're going to walk out the door and hang themselves, and they've got the rope already. The police would not be interested in this. I also don't have enough "evidence" to go to the magistrate and try and get a "form" so that she's forced to be assessed in hospital. I have given her all the crisis resources, I have been through safety planning with her, I've done all the "right" things, and now it's time to let go.

Here's how this all ties together though. Among other people who are friends with this person, I am "the expert". I'm not an expert in this at all, but I'm the one they all turn to when things aren't going well for this friend. There is no one else for me to call, they could call me, but that's where it stops. This friend has a counsellor, but I'm not in contact with them, because I'm not a professional in this case as I've told her many times. I'm not at my best right now, I'm really not. But there's no one to pass this responsibility off on. I just don't seem to have it in me to tell my suicidal friend with very little support, yeah, I'm feeling "off" today, can you feel like dieing another day? I have of course set some limits and boundaries, and I definitely took some me time for self care today where I completely ignored the phone, but it's still hard. I guess it's never going to be "easy" though, when a friend is feeling suicidal, no matter how good a place I'm in. I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings!

To my mother - may she rest in peace

My mother died on Tuesday November 2, 2010 at the age of 54. She had a somewhat mysterious cancer they believe started in her small intestine or appendix. No treatment they tried made any difference and it spread throughout her entire abdomen, unstoppable.

Mom made the decision to die just over two weeks before her death. She stopped eating and drinking, and for awhile, until her month got just too dry, even stopped the ice chips. She refused IV feeding receiving only the fluids deemed necessary to keep her PICC line open. Eventually as a family we made a decision to stop those too. For the last 4 days of mom's life she was not with us, even a little bit. She could not speak and did not show any recognition of anything but pain.

Tuesday, I came to the hospital on the 15th day of the 10 days they gave her to live. Within 30 minutes of my arrival she stopped breathing and finished her transition from the living to the dead, a 70 pound shell of the woman she once was. Dad and I were with her and my sister came later that hour (let me tell you it's awkward sitting in a room with a dead body...) We had dinner, then I went to yoga with a friend, and the grocery store. As soon as I got home from the grocery store I started sneezing, the cold which had been holding off til I was free from the hospital hit with a vengeance. I slept for at least 11 hours. Solid sleep with no ear open for the phone to ring.

Wednesday was a day of funeral home arrangements, church arrangements, nose blowing, and decongestant popping. Fortunately, my slightly obsessive mother had planned her entire funeral (and prepaid), written her obituary and done countless other things which made this process easier. My sister looked horrible, but dad and I got things done which basically consisted of signing some forms, agreeing to pay the INSANELY high cost of getting her obituary printed, and picking the flowers. Then a friend and I ran random errands and I moaned about my sinus. Then slept for 12 hours (Oh how I love sleep).

Thursday was a day of "rest" meaning I got up at noon and went to starbucks and then didn't do anything til yoga at 4. Then I hung out at home til I hung out with my best friend in the evening. It was wonderful.

Friday was, well, a day. A long, long, long day. Friday mom's ashes were interred in the morning. I, as the oldest daughter, got the honour(?) of placing her ashes in the hole in the memorial wall thing. Though we have a VERY small family, both my mom's brother and my dad's brother came, as well as my mom's cousin and my great aunt and uncle (I have no aunts and no cousins). The afternoon was the memorial service which was...packed. I am fairly sure I'll get six colds and two flus all at the same time from the number of hands I shook. Thankfully my friends eventually rescued me from the line I was suck in and we hid out in the church sanctuary. I was getting emotional simply because of all the raw emotion in the room. It's hard to explain. It was very difficult for me to meet all these people who were connected to my mom in some way and who knew, in many cases, a very different side of her.

Friday night, to distract myself from everything and get back into my routine, I went to volunteering and fed dinner to 200. (Or well, greeted 200 people at the door). I hadn't been in a month, and it often feels like coming home. I love it. Oh, and Saturday was inconsequential.

Which brings me to today. This is the first Sunday in probably a year where I haven't had to go to my parents house or a hospital. I love it. I absolutely love it. However, I didn't love the totally aimless feeling it left me with. Thankfully some libraries here are open Sundays and I went for a nice walk to get books. I also have wonderful friends and was able to get out for dinner with them.

I'm not quite sure what it is about being alone which scares me so much, and I really don't even think I'm scared of being alone, I'm quite happy/content right now, it's more the idea of not having anything to do/no where to be. I have another week off work (I was off the last two weeks as well), and there's a big push and pull going on in my brain about filling it or not filling it with social activities. Part of me craves time alone and part of me is so scared of having nothing to do and not getting out of the house. I now have something every day but Saturday, and it's only Sunday night... And of course I'll probably do yoga every day too. And maybe, just maybe, I'll take some time to write some of this out.

work

I love that work can be a distraction from life. SO many people I know have jobs that they hate, that they can't wait to leave, that they dread, that they use life to escape from. I am SO blessed, in that I like my job enough that it can be stress relief. Yes, my supervisor has massive mood swings, and yes I don't always get along with my coworkers, but the truth is, I like my job. I've had to have some hard conversations with clients the past few days, but despite that, things have gone okay.

Things with my mom aren't the greatest right now, and I'm somewhat worried that my sister is suicidal, and there's the possibility my dad could lose his driver's license tomorrow, and I was really hurt by someone I thought of as a close friend, but things could definitely be worse. In fact, today seems to have been a fairly good day...especially since yoga. Yoga seemed especially hot today, but I came out feeling really good. I may be a wee bit sore tomorrow though...

Vacation

I'm on vacation right now and it's wonderful! I took that picture on Friday. My friend and I sat on some rocks and just "were". It was amazing. I am soooo relaxed, and I'm finally getting healthy too. It turned out I was quite anemic, which was definitely the cause of my lack of energy and depression. I've been taking double the usual amount of iron and despite the stomach ache, I feel SO much better. Vacation is wonderful. Friends are wonderful. Walking on hills, definitely not so wonderful, but still, in this gorgeous place, it's okay.

Popcorn

I love popcorn. Seriously. I love it. I'm eating some right now and it makes me incredibly satisfied. It can't fix all my problems, but it makes things temporarily right in my world.

Hmmm what else can I say. This trying to blog every day thing is interesting, but I feel like I'm just putting crap up on my blog.

My day was fairly good. Church, then lunch with friends, then a hair cut. One of my friends cuts my hair, and this time we traded a hair cut for me trimming her cats claws. The cat is 18 years old but I have 3 bites, multiple scratches and my finger was actually bleeding. Still, my friend does an AMAZING job and I have a super cute hair cut that I didn't have to pay money for.

Then I did some stupid chores like repotting some plants, changing the cat litter and taking out the garbage. After which I went to my parents for supper. I brought Oliver Lockhart with me. He makes a great escape tool. He lay down in front of the door and then I just said "well, Ollie wants to go home!"

Then this evening, I talked to my friend (who I am visiting in just 18 days!) for quite a while, trimmed Oliver's claws and made a meal plan for the rest of the week...oh, and a grocery list. And now, I'm hoping to get to bed a bit early, we'll see if it actually happens though :P

Watch this time tomorrow for a post about assessing the effectiveness of counselling if I manage to find the words to write what I want to say! Either that or I'll post pictures of my plants...perhaps both.

Health Day

So, today I took a "health day" not a "sick" day, but a health day. In other words, I took a day off before I got sick, hopefully to prevent said sickness. Working a job by myself which is supposed to have to people has been wearing on me, and so a couple weeks ago I decided I would plan a day to call in sick. Then after last weeks craziness it became even more necessary. The beauty of planning a sick day, is you can plan to have no appointments that day. That way it doesn't screw up things for your clients or your team members and there's no catch up when you get back.

So what did I do for said "health day"? Well it wasn't maybe the most relaxing day ever or anything, but I did get some things accomplished that needed doing, which make me feel like my life is more under control. I got the oil changed on my car, got groceries, did laundry, washed dishes, had a nap (wonderfulness), saw best friend, snuggled with the cats and read an entire book. It was great. Now I'm just hoping I can sleep tonight despite the napping.

I wish workplaces could me more accepting of the need for such "health days". My supervisor was awesome about it. I actually told her what I was doing, so she knew ahead of time we'd be down staff. She's always saying we don't do enough self care, so it seemed like a safe bet she'd be okay with it. At my old job however, at the shelter, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this. They were a lot stricter about needing doctor's notes and such. Then again, it's a lot easier for my program to run with less staff then it is for the shelter.

So, what's your workplace policy on taking a mental health day or a personal day. Is it an unofficial policy? Or is it totally frowned upon when employees take time off when they're not physically sick to the point of being completely unable to work?

taking a vacation

WestJet is by far my favourite airline, and in just 45 short days I will be taking a plane, just like the one pictured, to go see one of my very best friends. I can't tell you how excited I am. The catch? I've never met her before. So, how are we such good friends? Well it all started five years ago when I was young and angsty... (And now it's time for story time with Still Dreaming).

Back in first year university, my life was pretty screwed up. I was living in residence and spending much of my time with two pretty disfunctional older woman at the non-profit I was involved in. Of course, being at Bible College, things got pretty touchy feely one night and I was all like "i cut myself" and yada, yada, yada... No alcohol involved in my "confession" either. So then we made this convenant to tell people and blah, blah, blah, I told these two women (okay, this is turning into a horrible story). The point is, that since we couldn't find a face to face support group they suggested I look online. And I found this awesome support forum.

This forum was my "everything" for a really long time. I couldn't go for very long without looking at it. And as I spent more time on it, I began to make friends. Good friends. Of course then came holidays and birthdays and we would even exchange letters and cards. And some of the friendships I developed way back then I still have today. Including the friendship I have with the person I'm going to see. I seriously can't imagine my life without her. She knows just about everything there is to know about me.

What I found interesting, while reading the message boards, was the number of teenagers on it who reported that their therapists didn't want them being a part of the community. Now, I understand a therapists hesitation. The internet can be WAY out there, and I think we more commonly think of websites encouraging disordered behaviour such as "pro-ana" websites. It's important however not to put things in boxes and label them as good or bad. Some websites are good for some people and some aren't. Whatever helps the person, and finds them support should be encouraged, not restricted.

Another common assumption is that "online" relationships aren't as meaningful or valuable as "real life" relationships. This is something I both agree and disagree with. I love my "real life" friends, or perhaps I should say, the friends in my city, but I also have great relationships with friends who've moved away or I've met in other places. And very honestly, my online relationships are just as "real" to me. Maybe it's a generation thing, but it doesn't bother me that I haven't met them.

So in anycase, I'm super excited to be taking some holidays to spend with an amazing friend! I'm counting down the days :D

it's a lot easier

Lesson of the week: Sometimes it is WAY easier to be a social worker than a friend.

One of dearest and most beloved friends is currently dealing with extremely debilitating anxiety. If she was a client, I would know what to do, but it's so much harder to be a friend. That comes across sounding wrong somehow. I'm not sure it expresses what I'm truly trying to say. Let me try again.

I'm not trying to say that I want to be my friend's social worker, because I very much do not. What I am trying to say is that as a social worker, I have techniques and boundaries, and coworkers to debrief with, and time limited situations etc... Very rarely, does the emotional pain of my clients deeply hurt my heart. This is a good thing. It's what keeps me sane, and what enables me to be good at my job.

When my bestest bud is hurting, it breaks my heart. I hurt with her, and I hurt for her. I want to make all her pain go away. I certainly don't want to throw the responsibility back on her, I just want to fix the situation, so she doesn't have to deal with it. And I know she feels the same way, when I'm in the depths of depression (we've talked about it). Friendship is so deep on such a mutual level.

As social workers, we are able to make amazing differences in people's lives, we connect with people on a deep emotional level, but it's their emotional level, most of the time. We still have that inner running social worker dialogue going on in our heads. When it's our friends that are hurting, there's something else there.

This seems to be one of my more rambling posts, I haven't slept the greatest the past two nights, and I'm trying to express so much in this, and it's just not working.

On a positive note, because I like to end on a positive note, I got a BIKE! My last two were stolen, but hopefully this years bike, complete with even BIGGER lock, will last longer. That's the goal at least... In anycase, I'm riding to work tomorrow, and I'm very happy about that. SO glad to leave the car behind! Oh, and I made a pasta salad for lunch tomorrow, I'm very proud of myself.

and that folks, is a rare picture of the mess inside the dreamers house.

thank you

 Thank you guys all for your support.  It really does mean a lot to me.  I think I'm a bit calmed down now, I'm trying to see the big picture, to look at this from the outside instead of from my heart.  Watching Sophie cat drink water with her paw (dip and lick, dip and lick) always brings a smile to my face, as did watching her decide she didn't actually want to eat my strawberries!  

I'm going to get through this.  It's going to be fine.  To give it slightly more context, the accusations against me, basically have to do with words said to clients in a volatile situation and whether they were unprofessional, offensive, inappropriate etc... They have these words tape recorded, or at least some of them.  Management has thus far only heard their side of the story.  I'm not saying a word without my union rep (and to think, I used to be annoyed by the union).  For them to send all accused home from work last night would have been next to impossible.  Half the staff would have been gone and the shelter would have had to close.  I somehow doubt that would have gone over well!  

I keep reminding myself that the absolute worst thing that can happen is that they fire me.  It's okay if they fire me.  I have another job.  I haven't signed my letter of hire yet, but from what I understand from my union rep it would be absolutely not okay for the shelter to say anything to my new job.  I know I didn't do anything nearly unethical enough to lose the R off my RSW.  I need to trust that in myself and stop second guessing myself.  I have already learned from what has happened, and had learned from it before this whole thing surfaced.  Likely, what will happen is that I will get a verbal reprimand and a letter in my file, if I'm found "guilty" of whatever it is I'm accused of, which I'm not sure of.  All I've been told is that I'm "under investigation" and I've been told to "behave professionally".  

I will keep you guys updated.  It'll be interspersed with other posts that I've already got written and set to publish, so if you're wondering how it's bouncing back and forths from stories about death and prositution (thankfully not in the same story) to updates about my investigation, my sanity and my new job, that's why.  

you guys rock.  as do my friends.  I sobbed to bestest bud on the way home from choir (note to self, driving and crying isn't the best idea), and best friend and I have plans to talk.  I even mentioned it to my pastor and well, a lot of my church friends.  I was pretty upset and mad when I got to church (oh how I did not want to be there...it's good for me though, all I would have done at home is cry).  So, somehow or another I'll be okay.  I seem to be falling apart at the seams a bit, but I'll find the right needle and thread so that God and I can begin piecing me back together.  

I'll fly away

I need a holiday SO badly. I need to see best friend. I need to get away from this city, this snow and all the homelessness. I just need a break. A break where I don't have to clean my house, drive my car and worry about stuff. I've requested a week off, between banked stats, banked over time and my normal days off I should be able to make it work and off I'll fly! There are snow plows on my front street right now. They are LOUD, but it's okay, because I'm off today... thank goodness.

I just haven't been feeling my best lately, although I certainly have my good times. Things at work are frustrating, but I'm doing my best. My words just don't seem to be coming out properly (thus the lack of blog posts). I've been to a lot of yoga though, which has definitely been good. And hot yoga is just so WARM in this deep freeze! Today I went for a walk in the SUN which I'm sure was amazing for my health as well as just cheering me up in general. I of course ran into clients, as I walked to the library downtown, but they were nice clients so it was all good.

I went to a really great Bible study tonight. We're looking at the book of Revelation, which is of course a really hard book with many many opinions and interpretations, but the first one was definitely good. Last time we did the book of John which was a lot more straightforward, and that's saying something as John is probably the least straightforward of the gospels.

I also went grocery shopping tonight (you know when I started this blog I vowed I'd write about more interesting stuff then my grocery shopping). I tried to buy lots of iron rich foods, but it would be so much easier if I LIKED red meat instead of having to force myself to eat it. It's really nice having food in the freezer though, comforting.

Tonight I plan on blogging and reading fiction. It's going to be awesome!

just a little sleep

It's amazing how much of a difference sleep makes in a persons life. I haven't posted this week because I've been exhausted. I had something every single day this week including a doctors appointment at which I discovered I'm anemic. Joy. Of course it does explain some of my extremely excessive sleeping, and my incredibly pale face (actual quote "you're too pale, even for a white girl").

This week seemed like it would never end. I trained, I shift managed, I dealt with the enforcer being rude to and about everyone but me (he's scared of my grand scheme after all). I was called every name in the book, and I just didn't seem to have enough time to sleep. Then when I was sleeping I just didn't seem to be able to sleep well. I dunno. In any case though, I had last night off and was able to get some sleep then, and I'm about to go back to sleep for a nap before work. Happiness.

Anyway, the point is, sleep makes a huge difference, so do friends. All week I sort of felt like I was hovering on the edge and didn't really know which way I was going to fall. Work was pissing me off and tiring me out, and yet when I took time to think about the good things, it really didn't seem so bad anymore. Then I slept. And I woke up feeling SO much better about everything. Bestest bud and I raked the Sophie cat which took quite awhile but resulted in a much sleeker looking cat and fur floating EVERYWHERE. Then best friend and I talked on the phone for an hour and half, and while I did get a bit teary eyed thinking about how far away she is, it was totally worth it.

and now, for some fantasy fiction and my bed.

overwhelmed

I apologize for the lack of posts lately. I've opened the new post window several times lately will all intentions of posting something awesome, and it just hasn't happened. But it will, it will.

I've been quite overwhelmed lately... Best Friend moved halfway across the country yesterday, and getting her ready to go meant me being up for a long time running. And of course, I'm very sad that she's gone. It hasn't completely sunk in yet.

Work is the steady thing in my life, I don't mind work, although the enforcer and I are still having our difficulties. That doesn't surprise me though, I believe it will take time, and my normal supervisor should be back from holidays today! I may be able to work in detox tonight, and just take a bit of "me" time in the quiet. That would be nice. I've been meaning to, and it just hasn't happened, when I come home, I tend to go straight to sleep!

Having my cat is awesome though, she's so cute and cuddly. She sleeps with me every night. Tomorrow I'll head to yoga, which will be a good way to get out and get some exercise, and then I have bible study at night. So I have plans, and so even though staying in bed with the cat seems most appealing, I will get out and do stuff!

update on the dreamer

I've had a busy past couple weeks, but things seem to be calming down...a little. Roommate left today. I am heartbroken. Roommate also left a disaster in her wake. I want to smack her :) Thankfully, best friend came over and helped me tidy and throw stuff out, and I have my favourite ethical thrift store (because some of them are total scams) coming to collect all her furniture and stuff tomorrow (she moved out of the country...). Not that you care, but because I like to talk, the thrift store is getting: a double bed frame, a desk, a night stand, a lava lamp, a kitchen table with four chairs, two record players, a stereo with a bunch of speakers and sub woofer things, five boxes of books (that I've been through and taken the ones I want), a tv, a tv stand and a coffee table. The house will be SO much emptier! It's going to be awesome. I can't wait.

Vacation Bible School is OVER and my summer job at the church is almost over. After the long weekend I'm DONE!!! It sounds bad, but I can't wait. In fact, I'm super, super excited. I still do lots of volunteer stuff and have a lot of responsibility, but it's not the same.

I'm applying for two jobs at work. One is full time nights, and one is a full time position on our transition team. It's waaaaaaay more of a social work job then what I have now, and would be Monday to Friday, days. I'd be doing case management, supportive counseling, advocacy, referalls, intakes to transitional housing, assessments, stuff like that. It would be AWESOME! However, I'd also like working full time nights, so we'll see what happens. I'm pretty much gauranteed the night job because of seniority stuff, but we'll see with transition team. Either way, full time work should be in the near future and then I'm going to buy a CAR!

So all in all, I'm okay. Tired, but that's my own fault. Sad, because roommate is gone, but happy that she is where she wants to be (grad school!!!!) Happy because the church job is almost over, and I'm getting to the point where I'm *almost* looking forward to moving!

and that, is my life! The dreamer will return tomorrow with more deep thoughts about the world we live in, but for now...I'm off to do random things while I keep myself awake half the night to stay on a night schedule.

happy birthday to me :)

It's my birthday tomorrow, and best friend, with assistance from bestest bud, planned a surprise party for me in between street ministry and work. I have never had a surprise party before, and I was VERY surprised! Best friend was convinced I'd figured it out, and while she and some others were VERY weird at street ministry I was totally clueless. All I cared about was opening the giant box best friend left in my trunk. It had bright exciting wrapping paper! The box turned out to be dishes for my new place, I like them quite a lot. Of course it helps that we were window shopping together when I found them.

Street Ministry was fun. There was this super cute happy baby there. I love babies. It's one thing I miss about my first practicum. I don't really want to work with kids, but I love the babies! Especially the ones I can give back when they're freaking out!

Work was good too. Although it was sad leaving all my friends to party without me at my own party! Oh well, such is life. My schedule for the next three weeks looks good. I have full time hours and although they're spread between evenings and nights, it's all good. They rotate the proper way, and I really did want to get the hours. While I am purging, there are some things I need for my new apartment(toaster, coffee maker, vacum, pots and pans, ironing board, blender) and I'd like to be able to afford them! Once I'm settled going down to four shifts a week (or even 3.5 as in 3 one week, 4 the next) would be fine, but right now, I'll take the full time. And besides, what else to I have to do (let us not speak of my job at the church).

Girl's night on the town

I had an AWESOME girl's night this weekend. Street Ministry was canceled, so best friend and I were faced with an empty Friday night. A rarity in our lives. What to do, what to do. Best friend and one of our friends decided they'd plan a girls night/morning and surprise me and another of our friends. And boy, was I surprised! But, it was great!

First, we headed off to the casino. Being the only one in the car from my city (the rest are from way far away), I was trying to give directions to an unknown location (it's interesting, you should try it). We did get there. I really don't spend a lot of time in casinos, in fact, I've only ever been to one once. However, it turns out the casino has a really cheap buffet that actually tastes good! I was quite impressed by the presence of the salad bar and by the awesome potatoes (and you have to understand, I don't normally like potatoes).

After eating far too much, we "explored" the casino. Turns out, casinos are pretty much as boring as I thought they were, but it is quite amusing to watch people play slot machines. We may have been a little too loud and groupy though as we got a couple looks from security. Finally we decided to play a nickel slot and ran through five dollars in oh, under 5 minutes. SO not worth it. I truly don't understand what people see slot machines. Black Jack and Poker I can understand, but not slots.

After the casino came bowling, and then back to best friend's place for drinks. I only had one, but it was SO yummy. Blue Raspberry drink mix and rum blended with berry mix and ice. SO good. Then came perhaps the best part of the evening. A light saber battle on the boulevard. We're perhaps lucky we didn't get picked up for disturbing the piece, but we tried to be quiet, and we were in a more awake part of town. Our light sabers lit up and had sound effects and every thing. We wanted to have a shaving cream fight, but decided we needed to wait on that until we were more awake. Then a movie, and off to bed.

The next morning, best friend cooked an awesome pancake breakfast and then it was off again. This time for canoeing. Anyone can tell you that I was totally scared of canoeing and then wound up having an awesome time. Our river doesn't look nearly as nice as the river in the picture, but it was still pretty.

After the boat ride we lay in the grass, shopped and played dutch blitz until it was time for me to go to work once again. All in all, and awesome way to spend my day!

Day Off

Here you have one very happy social worker. Why is this social worker so happy you ask? The answer, "it's her day off". Technically speaking, yesterday was my day off to, but I tend to spend the entire first day sleeping, and the second day enjoying my rested state.

Yesterday I slept, went out for breakfast with best friend, slept, went for a meeting with pastor, slept, went out for gelati with the intrepid one, and then slept then a talk with bestest bud before I passed out for the night. All in all, a good day though! I haven't been sleeping well lately, up every hour, so I took one of my lovely yet despised doctor prescribed sleeping pills, which is supposed to help me stay asleep once I fall asleep. It worked. I had a glorious 15 hours of sleep (although I did wake up a few times during the later half of that), and now feel rested and human again (it would take me at least an entire blog entry to process how I feel about those pills).

Today, I woke up to discover my shower wasn't working properly. There didn't seem to be any hot water no matter how hard I tried - living in an apartment that doesn't happen often. So I washed my hair in the sink (which mysteriously had hot water) and went out. Out you say? Out where? I went out for coffee with my old library from when I was a little kid. It was awesome.

I recently ran into her at a suicide intervention course. She's a marriage and family therapist now. She actually went to school with the therapist I saw when doing my social work degree. Anyway, she's awesome. It was really cool to run into her again. I went to story time every single week when I was a preschooler, and lots of them were done by her. I also took swimming lessons with her kids, and did the summer reading program every year (I love books). It was great to catch up with her, but also great to meet a "grownup" who thinks about things so much the way I do. I feel like she understands me, and understands my issues with certain policies and realties. It's great.

Now i'm just having some chill time and then off to a church meeting at which we're planning a community outreach event. I'm planning to ride my bike, even though it's a bit of a ways. Was planning on dinner with bestest bud, but plans changed, and honestly, my stomach is not feeling great from all the weird eating I did while working nights.

life map

It's 5PM and it's my morning. I'm sitting on the couch drinking bad coffee from my portable french press because there's no coffee filters. Yet somehow, I am content.

I've been thinking, about how life doesn't come with a map. I've often said that there can be more then one right answer in any given situation, and I think this is true with my situation now. Applying for jobs and staying at my job are both "right" answers. It's impossible to know which one will be better. And very honestly, right now, I'm just going to stick with what I have now. I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now, I don't want to take any other risks, pathetic as that seems.

I had a dream last night about there being a vacancy in an awesome apartment down the street from me. A dream real enough I had to really think about it this morning to decide if it was real. It wasn't though, unfortunately. I had another dream about owning a car. This dream wasn't quite as real, although it was a fairly nice car!

I had a great phone conversation with a friend today. I love laughing, and somehow despite the fact that we were talking about some pretty serious stuff, there was a lot of laughter. I love friends I can laugh with. I also talked to bestest bud, it's her birthday; my present to her was NOT singing the birthday song. I actually do have something for her, I just have to go pick it up.

I had a bad day at work yesterday, but best friend came and met me and we walked home together. She lives on the way to my place so I only had 10 minutes or so to walk on my own of an almost 50minute walk. The walk and talk was really good (as was the iced cap she brought me). I've been eating too much fast food and it felt nice to just walk.

Life has ups and downs. And sometimes I get into these moods where everything feels like a down, but right now, sunshine, friends, coffee, and curling up with my blanket seem to be able to pull me out of it pretty quickly.

It's a small world

Blogger is being stupid and not letting me add a picture. Either that, or it's firefox. It could definitely be firefox, I've been having problems with it all day. In any case, here is a completely new ethical concern I never even thought about until it happened.

I recently did an intake for someone I knew. Only, I didn't realize I knew them till partway through the intake. How is this possible you say? I only knew them through an internet message board and msn. I'd seen pictures, but it was quarter to midnight and dark in the shelter where I went and got her to bring her to the intake room. So the thing is, I'm pretty open on this website, and so was she, and so we both know lots of deep, deep stuff about each other never expecting that we'd meet... and we met. awkward much?

And I was a bit unprofessional... sigh. Things we think of in retrospect. I recognized her and she didn't recognize me. It was late, she was very nervous, etc... And so I told her I knew her and where from, I was hoping it would help her nervousness, to know someone, you know? I totally shouldn't have done that... just kept it anonymous.

I reassured her that anything I knew about her from our past relationship I would keep out of our professional contact. My intake doesn't reflect anything she didn't say... I hope. Sometimes it's hard to keep those things out... I'll try and pass off her file each time I'm in detox. Maybe I should have passed off her intake once I realized it too, but I was the only one back there (nights), and it felt okay at the time. It's not like we were all that close on the internet, we hadn't talked at all in probably over a year. More like just a mutual message board knowledge of each other.

But, it also makes me feel kind of vulnerable. Because she knows tons of stuff about me that I would NOT want getting to the staff at work. I've barred my soul on that website. Not recently, but in the past.

The internet really changes things. It changes the way we think of friends, the way we think of relationships. It changes the way I think of conflict of interest situations. It also makes stop and think, and realize that I need to narrow this down for myself. My city's big, but not that big, when does my knowing someone become a conflict of interest? I've had the file of someone I played with when I was 6 and 7 at my dad's drop in center... That didn't seem like a conflict of interest to me, and I don't think it was, but this?

These are times when I regret taking a job that's not explicitly a social work job. No social work supervision. And really, the supervision sucks. Not enough debrief, not enough feedback, not enough time to talk ethics... and honestly, ethics just doesn't seem to be on the mind of most of these people. alas.

I love my friends

I love my friends. They are truly amazing people. And they put up with me when I've had too much (coffee) to drink. That in and of itself is an amazing feat.

One of my friends from the states called yesterday, which totally made my day. I was SO excited to hear her voice on the answering machine and later to talk to her.

Having friends makes all the difference. I can't imagine not having people that I could talk to and confide in. So yay for my friends. Keep being awesome!