The update of the month - from the perspective of Sophie Cat

Hi world. Sophie Cat here. I decided that it was time this blog had a touch of style and truth added to it. The title claims that I get to help, and yet rarely am I asked to contribute, so here we go, the month of August in review, by, me.

First of all, August seemed to involve A LOT of boxes. While the orange cat seemed to enjoy this, I, did not. Small minds may take delight in jumping in and out of things, but more developed minds know that boxes, in both large and small quantities, always mean that something is changing. I did not approve. Next, the boxes began fillings with all our earthly possessions, once again, I did not approve.

Come the middle of the month the boxes began disappearing, slowly at first and then faster. Finally, one day, the girl locked us in the bathroom with a bowl of water, our beds, and our litter box and what sounded like an army of people started trooping in and out of the apartment. Then, the girl and her old roommate came, dragged us out, and threw us in the back seat of the car. Everyone commented on the orange cat's big eyes and look of fear, but I was all tucked away unseen in my carrier.

The girl pulled into a garage and left us in the car for a while before she brought us in somewhere new. The room smelled all new and different, but yet all our things were there. The orange cat jumped under the bed right away and I stayed in my carrier till every one left me alone before coming out and exploring. The space seemed okay, but I was NOT impressed with all the moving about and I just wanted to go home. Alas though, the girl hoped into the bed, pulled me up, and we slept there that night, and every night since then too.

The moving however was not the worst thing that happened this month. The worst thing that happened, was what I found when I started to further explore. In her new house, the girl is harbouring a human and a feline or unknown origins. That's right, there's another cat, thankfully she comes with her own girl and is not trying to steal mine, but still. I have put her in her place numerous times, and now she runs after I give her a look in the proper way. The orange cat seems slightly interested in her, however the new cat's been hissing at him. The girl informs me that I need to be nice to him, but well, we'll see.

So that's this month. Furniture still keeps moving around, the girl flits in and out and the new cat seems here to stay. Hopefully this month will have FAR less trauma associated with it!

Projection aka The Sophie Cat WILL be lonely for me while I'm away

According to wikipedia (such a reliable source I know) Freud says that "projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one 'projects' one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires and feelings onto someone else". In my work, I see projection a lot, however I haven't really been thinking about it a lot in terms of myself, and certainly not in terms of my relationship with Sophie Cat! Today I went to see my counsellor, who I see about once every five weeks or so, just to check in, and she pointed out to me that I seemed to be placing a lot of care and concern on what Sophie Cat might be feeling about life events worry about how they might affect her, without really being able to clearly articulate that I might be having similar feelings.

Monday, I got the keys to my new house. My new roommate and her cat move in on Thursday, and the cats and I move in next Wednesday. Then the last two weeks of September, I am going on a vacation with my dad and leaving my cats with my roommate to look after. Naturally, I expect that Sophie Cat is going to hate this. That she's going to have anxiety, that's she's going to be stressed, that she's going to pine for me. I worry that she'll get sick, or stop eating, or go back to her old evil, angry and hissing self. I worry that she'll hate the new cat and that things won't work out. I worry that she'll miss me terribly. And while these concerns are semi realistic (cats don't like change, especially Sophie Cat, there may also be some projection going on here).

Perhaps, I'm a bit nervous about not liking my roommate, just as I'm worried that Sophie will hate the new cat. Perhaps I'm a lot worried about getting homesick for my house and my cats, just like I'm worried Sophie won't like the new set up. Perhaps I'm worried that with my limited diet I won't be able to find food I can eat. And I'm sure there's some part of me that worries about what it will be like spending two weeks with my father. (I probably won't start hissing any more than I already do though...)

So these week, I plan to spend more time paying attention to projection. Not just what I'm projecting onto the cat, but what I'm projecting on to other people. I think it's an important thing to look at, particularly with clients, but in my personal life as well. It will be interesting to look at, and see if I notice anything. Also, I think I'll pay a little extra attention to my Sophie Cat. For both ours sakes!

angry

Do you ever feel trapped? Like everything you do is just the WRONG thing to do. Feel like you can't win, no matter what? That the harder you try, the worse things get? That's how I feel today, and I've been busy trying to talk myself out of it. I wish I could elaborate, because it's a complex story and kind of mind boggling really, but it's the kind of thing I really can't put on the internet without risking serious repercussions. Perhaps it is sufficient to say that I'm spending my 25th birthday (tomorrow) away from the office through no choice of my own and I'm rather displeased about it. It was initially a punishment of sorts, disguised as an offer of good will, then became a true offer of good will, however, it's an unnecessary offer, which places me behind on some work that I need to get done. I will say that at NO point was my work with clients affected, and the last time I checked, being stressed about one's upcoming house purchase on one's lunch break wasn't a crime. But, it is what it is. And I can't even sleep in :( have to meet the lawyer at 9 anyway.

stigma of mental illness

I really want to start blogging again. I keep trying, but it never seems to last for long. I'm going to give it a go again though.

I've been thinking about the stigma of mental illness the past couple of days. It's something we talk to our clients about when do data collection and statistics (do you feel stigmatized in the community) but I've never really though of it in my own context. Up until yesterday, I had never felt stigmatized, or at least never identified any feelings as being feelings of stigma. However, the reason I have never felt stigmatized is because I don't exactly talk about my mental illness on a regular basis. My anxiety has always been a fairly private thing for me. Although people I am close to know that it is something I deal with and that I take medications for it and have gone to counselling, it's not something I talk about as being currently present in my life on a regular basis. Although, for the most part, it's under control, so maybe that is a part of it. In any case, it's not something I talk about with my coworkers or acquaintances, thus, no stigma.

That brings me to now. And why I've suddenly become more awakened to the realities of stigma and mental illness. I recently bought a house (it's all mine in only 45 days!!!) When I signed my mortgage at the bank, I applied for mortgage insurance - life, health crisis, and disability. Two different companies underwrite the policies and I had to have a very in-depth phone interview with each of them. They asked me about each and every little thing that could possibly be wrong with me, plus about my family history of things. Now, because I have asthma and have a family history of cancer and heart disease I figured I would not qualify, oh, and I'm overweight. However, it never even occurred to me that I would get a letter stating you do not qualify for our insurance because of your history of anxiety.

I was angry. Very angry. I have NEVER let my anxiety get in the way of me doing what I need to do. Never missed a day of work, never missed a day of school, I've never been hospitalized, or been to the hospital because of my anxiety. But there it was, in black letters telling me that I didn't qualify for something because I was mentally ill. I'd never put that in the context of my self before. Never let the anxiety stop me from something. I'm having to integrate this into my understanding of self, that because of the anxiety, there are some things that I simply cannot have. And I don't like it.

Having this experience though, I hope, will help me grow. I happened to see my counsellor yesterday and she reminded me that TONS of people go on disability for stress related illness and so it kind of made sense that a history of anxiety would disqualify me from disability insurance (I still haven't got the results back on the life insurance). I am reminded, that for my clients, who have mental illness which affects their ability to work, there may often be much more of a stigma. It reminds me to, that I really do need to pay more attention to opportunities to fight stigma and be involved in more public education both on a small and a large level. I also need to decide if I want to appeal this decision, or make a bigger issue out of it, or just be passive, accept the decision and move on from here.

I wish I still had bad coping skills?

So here's the thing. I'm house hunting, and the market where I live is completely a sellers market. I was out bid on a house 2 weeks ago, that went for 20000 over the asking price, and then yesterday I lost a house I REALLY wanted because it went for 30000 over the asking price.

To say I was upset, would be an understatement. I don't know if it was the new homeopathy, the massage I got that day, being depressed, or something, but man I lost it. I cried for like 2 hours straight, just couldn't stop. I sat on the floor of my shower with hot, hot water pounding down on me and just sobbed. This was arguably a good experience for me, as it helped me release some of the pent up emotion inside me, that was sort of the goal of this whole journaling and opening up thing after all!

The amusing (now) part of this all was the conversation I was having with myself while sitting on the floor of the shower. Basically, one part of my mind was thinking of every unhealthy coping skill it could and the other half of my brain was shooting it down. One part of my brain was being incredibly black and white, and the other half was adding shades of grey. And let me tell you, I feel like in the moment it would have been SO much easier to be in the black and white negative side. Why? Perhaps a few examples.

1. A: You should cut yourself, cutting yourself would help you feel better. B: Yeah, but then I'd have scars and I'd be mad at myself, and even though it would feel good in the moment, it would hurt later. A: Well, you need to shave your legs anyway, and if the razor just, slipped... B: So, not shaving my legs tonight then, razor gets nowhere near me. A: then how are we going to make the feelings stop? B: I don't know...

2. A: Well, why don't we have a drink. I know you have some Kahlua kicking around. B: Yeah, that sounds good, wait, no, not only do I not want to do something stupid while intoxicated, knowing my luck, I'll find up sick and/or hungover.

3. A: Well, you're never going to get a house at this rate. You can't afford one, you might as well give up, it's impossible. B: I've only seen SIX houses and offered on two. I know the market sucks, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. A: Yeah, but you're never going to find another house that's just right for you. B: That's what I thought after the first house two, and then I saw the second house...

And so things went on from there, and the font on this blog entry decided it didn't want to be straight forward either. In anycase, I just so badly wanted to be able to yell and scream and do something destructive or give up, or quite, or something, anything, to make it all go away. But, the rational, self aware part of my brain that teaches CBT skills just wouldn't let me. Which is good to know, but is SO FRUSTRATING in the moment.

I don't know if this entry makes any sense. I'm getting sleepy, but I really wanted to try and get some of this out there.

To sum up, although my life is SO much better with all the coping skills I've learned, it also makes things more complicated, and at times I really do miss some of those negative options.

Look at me, writing an entry

My naturopath seems to think I should start writing again. She's probably right. Now granted, she meant journaling, but I think this is actually more therapeutic for me, and it's certainly "easier". Slightly less deep then what journaling could turn into.

Experiencing multiple loses in a short period of time, as well as having an emotionally intense job, a busy schedule, and friends who are having difficulties of there own, has in my case, led to a bit of emotional numbness. I get to try some homeopathy, which could make me worse before it helps, and I'm supposed to journal every day. We'll see.

In truth, except for my flat affect, life is pretty good. I've been looking at houses, which shoudl be more exciting than it is. I put an offer on one, didn't get it, and am putting an offer on another one tomorrow. I really like the one I'm offering on tomorrow and am praying very hard that I get it. Then of course comes packing, and moving...

Still president of our union local at work. Went to a good workshop on bargaining as we're renegotiating our collective agreement in April. I'm not quite sure when I'm going to find the time for bargaining, but here's hoping it doesn't take long. It's hard, because much as I stand in solidarity with my coworkers, I want to make sure I don't leave my clients at the wayside as they're the reason all of us got into this in the first place.

Perhaps that's enough writing for today. I'll be back tomorrow! Hopefully with more social work excitement as opposed to my dysthimic ramblings.