Spring is Here!

Yesterday I did 108 Sun Salutations. Spring is here!

It’s not the first time I’ve done 108 Sun Salutations, 108 Vinyasas or 108 prostrations, but it was the first time I haven’t counted. Yesterday I let go, and had faith in my teacher to do the counting for me. I tried to breathe through each salute as if it was the first, or the last, and let go of my need for control. It sort of worked.

Doing 108 Sun Salutations is as much an exercise of the mind as it is of your physical body and your breath, and boy did my mind try to play games with me. In the past I’ve done them in sets of 12, so you know that there are nine sets and you get a break after every 12. Yesterday, I just breathed. Without my glasses on, I counted even see the 108 flowers on the mirror, one of which was taken down after each flow, no way of knowing how far I’d come, or how far I had to go.

It’s interesting to observe where my mind goes, when my body is pushed, there’s sweat pouring from me, and I’m in a room with forty two other dripping people. I thought about work, I thought about my past, I thought about my future, I let the thoughts come, and I let the thoughts go, trying to come back to my breath, and only my breath.

There was also a constant battle going on between my mind and my body, as I worked to find the balance between pushing myself, and killing myself. After five years of yoga I usually know the difference. 

It started with my feet, they hurt, they felt crampy, “maybe you should just take a break”, said a part of my mind. Then it was my calves, and my hamstrings, aching, and a part of my mind saying “maybe you should just give up”. Other parts of my mind fought back, I knew I could do this, I’d done it before, I deepened my breath, deepened my resolve, and my teacher put on the Spice Girls. Definitely not the most reverent or bliss inducing choice, but the absolute perfect thing to give me the energy to keep going.

I danced my way through the next three songs.

Then it got hotter, or it felt like it was. I began to modify my Sun Salutations, proud of myself for getting through so many, as I’ve always modified all of them in the past.

My body is amazing.

I started to shiver despite how hot I was, and started wondering if this was a symptom of heat stroke, even though I know it isn’t, and besides, I was still dripping away. And all of a sudden in amongst the aches, the shivers, the sweat, and the back and forth in my mind, we were down to our last 12. Deep breaths. Jump Backs. Counting out loud. Rihanna. Gaga.

It was over.

I lay in savasana and decided not to move. I was overwhelmed with the heat, and the physical effort and the emotional battle. But, there was a smile on my face, and there is now as I write this. We do this all so that we can come back to savasana. How amazing does savasana feel after a practice like this.

The final mind battle was the urge to flee from the room. In the wise part of my mind I know that the longer the savasana the better, after all that exertion and all that breathing. Other parts of me though just wanted out, to be cool, to have salt, to have sugar, to have anything that wasn’t savasana in a hot room. And I breathed, and I waited, until  I slowly left the room and joined some of my Sangha as we sat and shared our joy.

it shouldn't have to happen...but what to do?

One of the things that has puzzled me in my job is knowing that there are many homeless who don't sleep in shelters, and yet not knowing where they are sleeping.  As I've gotten to know more and more people I've been able to gain insight into this, and some of the stories simply blow me away.  While some of those who sleep in the "great outdoors" do so by choice, others have simply burnt all their bridges, this is a story about one who burnt his bridges time and time again, and also, a story of survival.  

Devon was one of those kids who never quite fit in.  Like so many others in the homeless community, he comes from a broken home and his addictions began at an early age.  Inside Devon there is A LOT of rage.  He's angry about his circumstances, and while he tends to be in control of his impulses while sober, when he drinks, he's a very scary individual.  Devon managed to make his way to a permanent restriction from our services, and had to spend a very cold winter living outside and trying to keep from dying.  

During the summer Devon would find spots by the river or hidden away in back alleys.  As long as he could stay off the radar, he was able to go about his life in relative piece.  When winter came however, it was too cold to sleep in the open.  Devon, like many others before him, and I'm sure many to come, moved into new accomadations...dumpsters. Packed full of garbage and rotting food, these metal conainters make a good place to curl up.  Unfortunately, the garbage bags can act like quick sand, dragging someone to the bottom where it's hard to get out in a hurry.  

One of the other tricks to staying, or at least feeling, warm in the winter is to drink large amounts of alcohol.  As the alcohol runs through the blood you feel warm making it easier to fall asleep and easier to bear the cold.  So, one night, as Devon slept drunkenly in a dumpster, he didn't wake up when the garbage truck came, instead, he woke up as he landed inside the garbage truck.  The details of how he survived are a bit of a mystery, but he did, and realized he needed to change his living arrangements.  

Devon moved from the hidden away dumpsters to a prominent heated bus shelter.  Here we covered him with blankets many a night on van patrol, waking him up to make sure he hadn't gone into an advanced state of hypothermia.  As Devon was brought to the drunk tank more and more often it became clear that the police, like us, felt sorry for him and wanted to protect him from freezing to death on the coldest nights of the year.  Despite the horrible things he had done in the past, staff advocated for him and Devon is now allowed to use our services, and to this point, he's shown a lot of respect and thanks.  

In talking to Devon, it's hard to imagine him as a horrible monster.  To me, he is kind and gentle.  I think perhaps the dumpster was a life changing experience for him.  While he hasn't stopped drinking, I haven't seen him in a drunken rage in ages, and he's connecting with the people around him in the community and with the staff at the shelter.  They say everyone has to hit a rock bottom before they change, I wonder if this will be his rock bottom, even though he hasn't decided to abstain.  Maybe he's already started making the changes needed for survival... 

the night of 18 turnaways

As a write this, the Sophie cat is high on cat nip... I'm such a drug pusher, lol.  It's a lot easier to laugh at her antics though, and encourage her to "use" then it is to deal with the human consequences of drug and alochol abuse and addiction.  A perhaps little known fact is that there is that the number of people seeking shelter changes every day and there is a definite pattern to it all.  We turn away far, far more people on the weekend then we do during the week.  More homeless on the weekend?  Not exactly, a lot of it comes down to alcohol... 

It happens like this.  While there is a definitely a poorer area in my city, there are social housing developments spread out in various areas of the city.  All of these are accessible by bus...during the day, but at night, when the buses stop running, it's a lot harder to get there.  It seems, that more people drink on the weekends.  I'm sure this is true anywhere.  While the bars and hotels on the strip are full of business everyday, on the weekends they're just nuts.  And here's the thing, the bars close after the buses stop running.  SO when last call comes and everyone's leaving, suddenly there seem to be a whole lot of people who simply have no way to get home and many of them seem to wind up on the steps of the shelter.  

When we get someone come to the door who hasn't stayed with us in a long time or stays with us only sporadically we ask them some questions, for starters, "where do you live?"  Most people tend to say "nowhere", but then comes the question, well, where did you stay last night, last week, last month, because you didn't stay here.  Most of us hate doing this, but really, we're not a crash spot for people too drunk to remember to go home... we just can't be that.  We don't have the room or the funding... 

But it's hard.  I can easily turn away 15+ people, and generally they're far too intoxicated for the sober shelters.  This is one of the things which shows me just how real addiction is.  When you're so drunk that you just have no way to get home and you're down to the point of sleeping in the shelter or on the street.  When do you say to yourself "wow, I slept in a bus shelter last night, this is out of control".  People get so mad at us too, because we're supposed to be the shelter and what good are we if all we do is turn people away.  It's hard for people to see the big picture when they're caught up in addiction, there's a sense of intitlement and a need for immediate gratification.  

None of us are sure exactly what to do about this... as I've posted about many times, when does having the shelter just become enabling, when does it allow people to continue on destructive life style paths and live of the system, who gets to judge that anyway? I hate having to judge who is more and less deserving of shelter, we're supposed to do it by "level of vulnerability" but it's not like we have a formula.  It's true though, I'll squish in a regular who I know is completely falling part far sooner then I'll squish in a younger intoxicated male who doesn't stay with us... but maybe it should be the other way, we are an "emergency" shelter after all.

none of the answers are easy, not even the process is... 

dumped on the door step

The other night a taxi stopped in front of the shelter.  This isn't all that unusual as people are always calling to get picked up from the drunk tank.  In this case though, the taxi was dropping someone off... I guessed almost immediatly what had happened, and I was right on the mark. 

We have a relationship with the downtown hospitals.  They'll call us and we'll send someone out in the van to pick up clients and drive them home or to the shelter.  They understand, for the most part, that we fill up, and with the exception of the brand new staff, understand that the shelter does not have any reserved beds even if a patient has given us as their address.  We will work with the hospital to try and find that person a place to go, and if worst comes to worst, they'll let the client spend the rest of the night in their waiting room and we'll pick them up in the morning in time for coffee.  It's not an ideal arrangement, but it works for the most part.  

Unfortunately, because of the way the hospital is divided, our shelter actually falls in the catchment zone for one of the suburban hospitals...how, I don't know, but it does.  This means, that when an ambulance picks up one of our clients from the shelter or surronding area, they generally wind up almost on the edge of the city, outside of our driving boundaries, and if the buses have stopped running for the night, with no way to get back downtown.  This particular hospital has somewhat of a relationship with us, simply by default, but not in the same way as the others.  And so, when that cab pulled up, I just knew it was going to be a person dump.  

And so, an old lady wound up on my steps, in the winter, with no jacket, no way to get anywhere, and our shelter was full.  Even though I'd turned away numerous people that night, I let her in, because really, what was I to do, the cab had driven away, and she wasn't one of our regulars who I knew could be "street smart".  It turned out, she had a house, but didn't have keys and so had no way to get in.  The hospital had given her a cab voucher to get to us, and assumed that we'd take care of the situation for them...how nice of them.  

I was pissed off.  SO, I did something I rarely do, I called up the hospital, and politely, gave them a piece of my mind...I think may have scared the poor girl in the ER, not something I'm proud of.  See the thing is, I can totally empathize with them.  This woman is a frequent flier, and there was nothing medically wrong with her.  Brought in by ambulance, she presented without her jacket and keys.  The hospital would have given her cab fare home, but despite repeated calls to her land lord, she had no way to get inside, and they were unable to reach anyone else for her to stay with.  They then sent her to the homeless shelter, thinking we could give her a place and help her out in the morning.  She also contributed to the situation by lying and saying she was a regular of ours when in truth, she was brand new and had no idea what she was getting herself into.  

I explained to the hospital that we need them to PHONE first before sending us something.  That maybe together we could work out a plan.  I explained that we fill up quickly at night and so unless they call first there is no gaurantee that a person is going to get in.  I talked to two different people, and I think I got my point across.  What I really wanted to say though was "dumping people on the doorstep of a shelter is NOT okay".  I really felt for this woman even though her lifestyle is likely what caused this situation in the first place.  And despite being medically cleared, she really did not look healthy.  

The thing is, hospitals are not homeless shelters.  They aren't set up to house clients because they have no place else to go.  The emergency room is not set up, nor should it have to be, to deal with people like this woman who present over and over and over and over and over.  I'm not sure what the answer is though.  Obviously we need some sort of a different system.  Personally, I think perhaps a lock smith might be a good assest to our emergency system.  I can't tell you how many people we house when they get locked out for the night.  Makes me double check my spare set of house keys everytime.  

it's almost spring

I can't believe I haven't posted in a week.  Things are not going well in dreamerville, and writing just seems like too much, that and I just haven't seemed to find anything I really want to write about, I know I'll feel better if I write, and yet I can't.  I once said I'd never make this blog "emo" and depressing like, but it's a blog about social work, and social work has it's moments.  While I don't have the stats right at hand, I know that social work is an extremely challenging profession in terms of burnout and emotional stress.  Beyond that, many people are drawn to the helping professions because of difficult experiences in their own lives which of course come along for the ride.  

My strep throat seems to be making a resurgance despite the antibiotics, I'm worried that once they're gone in three days it will come back with a vengance, requiring another doctor trip and another round of antibiotics, stronger ones, which will likely make me sick.  On top of the strep, I got a super bad cold, or perhaps a flu.  The kind where you just cry because your sinus and your eyes and your everything is running.  So I sat in the car place waiting for my oil change and car check up crying.  I'm sure I looked absolutely stunning.  I called in sick again that night.  

My roof is leaking.  Nothing like coming home from work to discover your bed is wet because you didn't move the furniture because the roof wasn't leaking when you left.  Fortunately the roofer called proactively, he's determined to fix it for me, but still... wet bed, not fun.  So, I decided to try and share my somewhat broken futon with the Sophie cat.  Her "day bed" is on one end, in the sunshine, so I put my head at the other end... and wound up getting my foot bit when I invaded her space... 

Work has been challenging.  I saved another guy last night...maybe.  Same coworker as before and I busted into this guys cell in the drunk tank after he made his shirt into a rope, knotted it, and tightened it till he passed out.  After he got some more air he became super violent, like beyond violent and I had to BEG my coworker to close the door, I don't know what he was trying to do.  Anyway, it took six police officers to wrestle him into cuffs and shackles, there were only four, and they were losing till two more showed up on the scene.  After he got checked at the hospital they brought him back, more sober, he said he just wanted out and he was "pretty hammered".  Just watch him not remember this by morning.  

I need a new job.  It's scary though.  My job right now is a permanent position.  Most openings, the few there are, are for term positions.  I know that's how you start, but the idea of so little  permancy scares me.  And, I only just got benifits March 1st.  Not as big a deal in Canada, but still...I like clean teeth.  The things is though, I don't want to work in the drunk tank anymore.  I'm tired of locking people up.  Really sick of it.  I'm tired of being threatened constantly and the constant berating and abuse.  I like my shelter clients, I like them a lot.  If I could just work with them, I'd be happier, but you rotate areas at work, and so I can't just work shelter and detox.  I also really want a social work position.  I want to use more of my skills on a regular basis.  Right now a lot of my conversations go like this "I can't let you out, go to sleep".  That, and, "I need your cell, you have to get out now, it's busy tonight... GET UP".  

I'm having nightmares, especially the past couple days.  Just really bad ones.  I have a recurring one about the drunk tank, but I've had that for ages.  Now I'm just having so many.  Yesterday's was so bad I wound up just getting up, and then I went to work tired.  

I suppose I'm a bit lonely too.  But that's mostly my own doing, and definitely at least partly to do with working nights.  Best friend is have a country a way, bestest bud is in third year university and it's march, and she has a boyfriend.  There are people around, I just never seem to make the effort.  I'll have to start.  Mostly, my life seems to consist of feeling tired, dragging myself up or staying up at weird times to go to church or church meetings and working... oh, and my daily cup of coffee... i love it.  That's how I knew I was really sick, when I didn't go out and get my coffee.  I think working a day job would be good for me.  Maybe I just need to see more sunshine!  I need to go to yoga too, the exercise and breathing and sweating and high heartrate really, really help.  I've been too sick though, last time I had strep I went back to yoga a bit too soon and thought I was going to pass out right in the middle of class.  

So onward I go.  There's one job I might just apply for I found in the classifieds today, and I do have an interview on Tuesday.  I'd really love to find a job before the enforcer comes back from holidays at the end of the month.  I had a horrible nightmare about him a few nights ago.  

posts about my clients will follow... as soon as I can work up the energy... 

Situational Ethics: A Case Study

Jared is a man whose burned a lot of bridges, and when I say a lot of bridges, I mean it.  Jared is not welcome, ever, at any of the other shelters in town, and has been permanently restricted from many of the hotels, medical clinics and rooming houses along the strip.  There are not a lot of places left where Jared is able to go.  He’s been given a lot of chances, but this physically disabled man has done A LOT of horrible things in his life, and he’s not even all that old.  I mean, it takes soooo much to get yourself a lifetime ban from our services, and he did it. 

 

Of course, it is always possible to appeal your ban, and so with the help of a hospital social worker, he did just that.  See the thing is, when Jared isn’t drinking, or sniffing, or smoking crack or taking whatever the substance of the day is, he’s a nice guy!  However, he’s one of the very few clients I am actually afraid of, very afraid of.  See the thing is, staff have seen Jared sexually assault another client...but, since she didn’t press charges...

So, Jared’s back in.  He uses our services just like any other client and gets the same punishments for drinking/using in the shelter as every other client, 24 hrs out.  What happens when Jared sexually assaults another client, this time in the shelter, in front of witnesses and under a camera?  What happens when the police say there’s not enough evidence despite the camera?  There’s no charges, what do we do with Jared then? 

 

Personally, I want to see Jared out.  Out. Out. Out. Out. Out.  But, as I said before, I’m scared of him, and I like to defend the little guy.  Management doesn’t agree with me.  Management wants him to sober up.  See, the night of the assault, Jared spent the night on the street in frigid temperatures.  He begged ambulances to take him to the hospital, he tried to assault police so that he could get thrown in jail.  But no one would do anything for him.  By morning, Jared was a freezing cold, sober, sad person who begged my coworker to let him back in, just to warm up... and how could we not?  And then, then he said he didn’t remember a thing.  He claimed to have to memory at all of anything until sometime in the middle of the night when we wouldn’t let him in (looking at this, even my language shows my bias). 

 

So, what do you do in a situation like this?  Because it is situational... if it was summer, or if he wasn’t disabled, or if he wasn’t kicked out of everywhere else, or if he acknowledged wrong doing, or if there was better evidence, or if there were charges, or if, or if, or if...

 

Living on the streets is not easy, it’s really not... 

Frozen to Death

This is my last post about death for a while.  I promise.  Well, my last post about death until someone else dies I guess...  Death is pretty common in my line of work. 

I don't even know how to write about this one.  It wasn't a client I knew particularly well, but something about her death just struck me.  She was found a block away from a shelter, frozen.  She had no shoes, no jacket, no purse.  

Frozen. 

None of us knows what happened exactly.  She could have been turning a trick and jumped or been thrown from a vehicle.  She could have been drinking, passed out and robbed.  Perhaps she was jumped for her jacket and was beaten.  There's something about the idea of her being left out in the cold that gets me though, a block away from shelter, a block away from help.  

The media never got wind of her death, or if they did, they didn't care.  There's no sensation about a homeless woman dying.  No media blitz, no excitement and reformed policies.  Maybe it's better that way though.  I'm glad there's no spectacle, but still... 

Frozen.  

juxtapostion of reality... part two

I drove my car to yoga yesterday. It's three blocks away. It was FREEZING cold out, and the car was "warm" anyway because I'd had it out earlier. As I was driving I was pondering how incredibly lazy I felt. And then this nagging guilt came up "how can I say I'm cold when I spend the nights driving around finding people like 'the man in black' sleeping doorways". My mind wandered around this for a while and I stored it to think about during yoga (I know I'm supposed to "clear my mind" but I like the silence to ponder things).

I realized something I've realized many times before. We are each our own person, the sensations and feelings of someone else do not make ours bad or wrong. So what that looks like is that we can both be cold, the fact that he is cold does not change the fact that I am cold. There will always be someone colder or warmer then me, and there will always be people who experience temperature differently then me. This doesn't mean I should forget about the man in black, this doesn't mean I should forget about my moral and christian responsibility to reach out to him and push for change, all it means is it's okay to feel cold without guilt. The way my initial thought process was going could lead down a slippery slope if I got too caught up in it. It's not like I feel guilty when I'm hungry or thirsty, they're just biological things that happen to everyone.

what you do unto the least of these

There's a verse in the Bible which has been on my mind a lot lately. Jesus is telling a parable about the Kingdom of God and what things are going to be like in the end times. Jesus tells his followers, as recorded in the book of Matthew. In the story, the righteous are puzzled because Jesus thanks them for feeding him, clothing him, and taking care of him and they say they have never done this for him. He answers, "Truly I tell you, just as you did to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me".

I am so blessed to have a job in which I am able to provide things for people. I able to feed the hungry, give clothes to those who have none, shelter to those who are cold and give hope to those in pain. My job is awesome. The problem, of course, is that I cannot do this for everyone who needs it, or who wants it.

Saturday night I was shift manager which meant I had to spend the whole night in the shelter as well as answering phones and the window and such (no escaping to the drunk tank for me!) Thankfully I didn't have to kick anyone out, unfortunately I had to turn 20 people away at the door. That is the most people I have ever had to turn away in one night, and to say they were unhappy about it would be a HUGE understatement. I had to get the police to remove one of them because they were banging so hard on the window.

I found out that the shelter across the street was referring people to us even though I had told them already that we were full. I called and got lectured by them about how they don't accept intoxicated people so what else were they supposed to do (we accept people in any state of intoxication as long as they're not disruptive). I told them I didn't know, but they asked them to please stop sending us people we couldn't take. They called the police about a client, so then I had the police inside the shelter looking suspiciously at the empty mat of someone in the bathroom, so that they could put someone there the other shelter had kicked out. I had the hospital phoning getting upset when I couldn't take someone who was done in emergency - note, just because they use us as a mailing address does not mean there is a guaranteed mat for them, we are an emergency shelter.

I was able to get one person a ride home, and someone else a cab. Why would you want to sleep in a shelter if you have a home? In this case, they were too tired and drunk to want to walk there so thought they'd sleep it off on the province (we get some government funding for the shelter). So that's 2 out of 20, the police took the 1, and 2 others wound up in the drunk tank after they went back to the shelter who referred them to us and got annoying. So 5 out of 20. I have no idea what happened to the other 15.

We started taking turns turning people away, I couldn't take it anymore and neither could anyone else, because the same people kept coming back and just begging me to let them in, and I couldn't. We were already five over. And they screamed and pleaded as they stood outside shivering. Imagine being at the point where you have to beg and plead to come into a homeless shelter. If these aren't the least of these, I don't know who is.

Now rationally, I know that we have to set limits. I know that it would have been impossible for us to be 25 people over and that it would have created fights, chaos, and a standard we couldn't live up to in the future (people need to know that the full sign means full). I know that homelessness is a far larger systemic issue then I can tackle alone or quickly. I know that other people's housing crisis are not my crisis and I don't make them that no matter the guilt trips they use. I am not responsible for their shelter. They had plenty of time to look for a place to stay, it's been cold for months, 2AM is not the time to scream at me.

But then, as I stood in church singing Christmas carols it was like that verse was haunting me and I started cry. I really couldn't handle crying right then, so I bit my lips and quit the tears, but the verse was still there. "What you did for the least of these..." What did I do for the least of these? I turned them away to freeze in the snow. I shut the blinds so I didn't have to look them in the eye as they screamed at me and pounded on the window (this is a last resort for us, we really like to treat people as people, but once the screaming starts...) I told the least of these to go away, even though I used much nicer words.

I came home and cried. I think it's a good thing I have five days off.

when the shelter become home

Frank is somewhat of a celebrity among the cities homeless population. A friendly man he's known at pretty much every drop in center in the area and does his rounds supported by his cane barely missing dying by traffic each day. Frank's brain has been quite destroyed by sniff and he can be rather hard to understand at times. Quite sometime ago he had a public guardian appointed, and as such our agency dispenses his money and I believe we have some responsibility for where he lives (there are different levels of trusteeship and i am not positive where he falls).

As it's winter and Frank is quite vulnerable our transition team found him a room for the winter in a place where his meals are provided, it's not the greatest place, but it's in "his" area, and he has family there. The fact is though, it's a warm place for the winter, and a place where he can't be denied service once they're full, the room is "his".

The problem is, Frank is not quite sold on the room, it's location or the fact that he is no longer sleeping in the shelter. The shelter has become home and the staff his family and to lose that is a huge lose for him. He managed to get in for a few nights before all the staff were informed of the plan, but now his name comes with a big warning in the computer that he is to go to his room for the night.

Is this the best answer in this situation? I'm not sure. It's definitely a safer place for him to be staying, and one in which he's guaranteed to stay warm. Having his own room he is able to accumulate a few personal possessions and store things such as a change of clothes, and meals are sure better then soup and bread (although I haven't tasted them, so who really knows...) But is Frank happy? What is really in his best interest? I have to admit I'm with transitions on this one though. For the winter at least, I really feel having a room and meals is in his best interest, and it's not like he can't walk across the street and see the staff at work everyday anyway. I'm glad I'm not the one who had to make the decision though!

the itching problem

Itch, itch, scratch, scratch, ewwww! That is work these days, because well, the normal scabies and lice problem seems to have gotten worse. I've been catching our shelter cleaners taking short cuts while cleaning the mats, and the clients sleep so close together that transmission is inevitable, but seriously, itchy!!

This week I took Erik to the urgent care center to get wound care and to deal with a "rash". It was a great revelation to him when the nurse told him he needs to bathe more. He was quite pleased that she gave him some lice shampoo and some scabies cream. He took her advice quite seriously too, and was not the least bit embarrassed about his problems (as you and I might be). Rather, he was just happy that he had a solution to his horrible itching.

Lice and Scabies are part of living in a shelter I guess... We keep the mega size bottles of lice shampoo in our cupboard as well as multiple tubes of the scabies cream. On the whole, we're pretty used to the entire thing. It goes through phases and right now, we're in a bad phase. Apparently the urgent care center is not as used to this as we are. The nurse phoned us rather freaked out "Erik has scabies and lice, and well can you come get him, we can't keep him here and oh my, oh my, panic etc..." We kind of wished they'd at least give him the first treatment there, but oh well. It guess it can be frightening (?) for some people. It's not like I want to have to deal with either of them, but if I do, I'll certainly live... I might even get time off work for treatment!

For some of our clients though, the recent outbreak is a source of some contention, and they've decided that sleeping on the street, itch free, is a better option. I'm not so sure about this, seeing as it's till below -30 but to each his own I guess. It certainly is less crowed outside! It was one of these clients who dubbed it "the itching problem" and from now on, that's what I plan on calling it.

Happy Scratching!

blue christmas

As many of us in helping professions know, the holidays are not a happy time for everyone. In fact, for many people, the holidays are a time of stress, business, frustration and sadness. Society places great pressure on people to be happy and joyful while having the perfect holiday with family and friends. Unfortunately for most people this just isn't the case.

Friday night at street ministry, I was tired, stressed and fed up with the entire Christmas season (one week till my holidays)! I couldn't handle the kitchen, so I was happy to sit down with some of our guest and eat dinner. As I've talked about before, I see many of the same people at street ministry as at work, and these two were regulars in both the shelter in the drunk tank.

Deena is a woman who is probably only in her 40s. She looks like she's seventy and is now wheelchair bound. A while back she had to have her head shaved due to a bad lice infestation and she's a very small woman. Despite the fact that I see her on an almost daily basis, she isn't someone I've ever had a good talk with, and I really don't know much about her story. So we sat, and ate and talked, and as we talked, tears slowly began to drip down her face.

Deena has never known much of her family. She was adopted out to a white family and lost contact with her biological family. She has never been able to have a "family christmas". The one relative she was able to remain in contact with her brother, is now gone. Not only is he gone, but he was shot dead over the holiday season a number of years ago. After telling me this, she stops talking. Her boyfriend explains that those who were responsible for his death got out of jail recently, making things all the harder.

More then anything, Deena wants to spend a Christmas for her family, something that is now impossible. Oh, and she's dying she says, they've found cancer, and she doesn't know how long she'll live. This is secondary to the Christmas thing. She knows her body doesn't have much left in it, a life of living on the streets and in shelters while consuming copious amounts of alcohol just doesn't lead to good health. The good news though, she thinks she and her boyfriend have an apartment for the new year!

overwhelmed - or something

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed these past few days. The enormity of the problems I see on a daily basis can be kind of consuming. For the most part, I'm quite good at maintaining a healthy distance, putting things in perspective and staying positive. This past week however there have been a few situations which have been hard and the mind numbing cold just doesn't help anything.

This week for the first time I found someone sleeping under a heating vent, by choice, not because they were passed out drunk. For some reason, this really touched me. When I asked them why they made that choice, they simply said they had no place to stay. Another person, in a doorway, refused even our offers of a blanket, let alone a warm place to stay. A man what I believe was an actual heart attack. I have a lot of people with chest pains, most of the time they beg for the ambulance. This man, clutching at his chest, gasping for breath, wanted no help at all (note, we called and he was taken to hospital). An unrousable man later told us he wished we had just let him die. And of course, the girls working the streets just keep getting younger and younger.

I am sick of fighting with the other shelters. The politics of homelessness are stupid and frustrating. I'm sick of watching my mouth and having my actions be dictated by our directive not to do anything to make the clients go to the media. Why, because they are, they're making good on their threats, and we can't afford the negative publicity. I'm sick of not being able to say what's really happening because we're not allowed to say negative things about the other shelters (although I do understand this). I'm sick of not having enough space for freezing people.

Working in the drunk tank is also difficult. Until you've done something like that, it's hard to explain. It's hard to explain the death threats, the law suit threats, and the constant insults. It's also hard to explain how it can break your heart to have to lock someone up and forceably hold them. On the flip side, it's also hard to explain what it's like to have to kick people out of a safe warm place because there are drunker people coming in.

Of course, my heart is not literally breaking, and for the most part I am able to put aside all this stuff and effectively do my job. I'm able to go about my everyday life and not think about this stuff. These past couple days though, it's just seemed a little much. Someone at church said I looked sad, and i just didn't know how to explain. There's just so much, so much I see, and sometimes it just gets to you, especially as my clients start to worry about Christmas. I'll go to work tonight, and I'll do my job with a smile, just like always. But inside, inside I'm a little sad tonight. Sad because a job like mine has to exist, and sad because its just seems like we're not doing enough. Sad because people are hurting, and there's only so much we can do to change that.

maybe I just need a good cry...

if you build it they will come

Every night we keep a record of everyone we have to turn away from the shelter. I'm a huge fan of this record, for me it serves a few purposes, but mainly, I just really appreciate the fact that the documentation records each and every person. The fact that there was 1 or 5 or 12 or 15 people that we were unable to give a warm place to sleep to. That each and everyone of them is real, and exists, and has a story. But I digress.

The thing of it is, we were averaging about 10 turn-aways each night during the beginning of the winter. This is not good, this number means that each night 10 people did not have a place to stay, because many of the people we were turning away were not our regulars, but rather people coming to us as a last resort (the people we should, as an emergency shelter, house, but again, I digress). So, seeing this trend, we tore out a wall, got ride of some storage and added 10 more mats to our shelter. This sounds awesome, right? Now we have a place for everyone!

Except, we don't. The thing of it is, we're still turning away somewhere around 10 people a night. Granted, it's gotten a little colder, but really, not much colder and the shelter is still filling up just as early. By adding more mats, we seem to have created more regulars. 10 more people are using the floor of our shelter as their home each night. It seems that if we build it, they will come.

My city has actually been surprisingly decent about adding shelter beds, although there are still not enough, but situations lie this make me wonder if there every will be. Even if we built 1000's of shelter beds, would there still be more homeless to house? Would there still be people for whom sleeping in a shelter is the safest most desirable option?

Makes you wonder, doesn't it.

SNOW!

Well, it snowed here a while back and while most people are trying to dig themselves out, the homeless are trying to find a place to dig in for the winter. The first night was horrible, it was practically a blizzard. I had to psych myself up in the car before I went in for all the people I knew I would wind up turning away. Now matter how good your boundaries are, how do you not feel for the people sleeping under a blanket on the steps while the wind howls and the snow blows.

People seem to have gotten used to things though. One of my supervisors likes to remind me that these people have lived through many many winters, and this one isn't any more likely to kill them then any other. He's trying to reassure me, but still, I really wish there was enough shelter space. The only problem is, (and of course there are various schools of thought on this) that as soon as you build more shelter space it's full, so where exactly are people coming from?

In any case, I really feel that as a society in a very affluent country we should be able to provide a warm place to sleep for everyone. While I realize it is very difficult to house everyone (a lot of people don't want housing for starters) in the winter months, there should be somewhere, at least a place where people can come in and warm up for a while. People complain about the homeless on the streets but do not want to spend the money to make inside spaces possible. bah.

j