Social Worker...

Here we have a picture of me giving Oliver Lockhart a bath. He looks sort of like I've been feeling.

I finally feel like a social worker, for all the wrong reasons. I feel like a social worker because my case load suddenly doubled because the other counsellor is leaving. I feel like a social worker because our 8 person team only has 6 people, one of whom just got fired. I feel like a social worker because I have tension in my back. I feel like a social worker because I sometimes take at least a full day to respond to my clients phone calls, and I'm often a day behind on my documentation.

Fortuntately, the good stuff keeps me going.

I feel like a social worker because I can see that there are clients whose lives I am making a difference in. I feel like a social worker because people respect my opinion, even though I rarely give it. I feel like a social worker because I can write letters of support for people to other professionals and believe that they'll mean something. I feel like a social worker because I finally have work to do all day instead of reading "Stuff Christians Like" all morning. I feel like a social worker because I'm finally starting to understand the ins and outs of the multiple systems that make up "the system" even though I thought I knew them before. I feel like a social worker because I KNOW that I'll never learn it all.

Tomorrow I'm headed to a workshop for the morning, then a goodbye lunch for the other counsellor, and then we'll see. I have a counselling session booked and I have to fix a letter I'm writing for my supervisor/team.

My spiritual director taught me a very neat prayer that dates back over 1000 years. It is a simple reflection on that which you are most grateful for and that which you are least grateful for. Today it is as follows:

I am most grateful for an evening spent with the cats, tea and a mystery novel (as well as a couple episodes of The Simpsons). I am least grateful for the stress at work which causes me tension and for the stomach ache I've had on and off today.

Staff Meetings...

We had a staff meeting yesterday.  All the staff in our organization.  I can't say I was impressed.  I am NOT good at sitting still for 2.5 hours listening to stuff that is mostly irelevant to me.  Then our executive director was all like "how come the employment people are so quiet".  And well, it's because we simply didn't have anything to say!  The meeting was almost entirely about our residential program which we have very limited contact with.  

On the other hand, the staff for my program has a staff meeting once a week.  It's quick, to the point, and relevant.  I also find them fun.  I look forward to them even.  I know that if I'm having problems or there's something going wrong, I can bring it up at the staff meeting.  We often have food or something.  For example, today there will be skittles.  

Then, every other week we have a client meeting at which we review the status and activities of each and every person in our program.  It is a seriously great way to collect help and suggestions and I great way to make sure that none of our clients are being forgotten about.  So really, it's just the all staff meeting's that I hate... but still, how I hate them.  

On another note, having a boyfriend is time consuming.  The intrepid one came over to watch the next disk of Friends last night.  It was awesome, but it took my whole evening... 

Borderline Personality Disorder

You know, I’d never really understood the hype about Borderline Personality Disorder; I kind of thought of it as an over diagnosed phenomenon with a huge stigma attached to it. 

I’m starting to get it. 

I have a client with a diagnosis of BPD.  I have one more who meets at least as many criteria.  And they really are hard clients to deal with.  If it wasn’t for the fact that we have a good supervisor, I think this client could have caused a huge stir around here very quickly with a couple accusatory emails she fired off yesterday and today.  Thankfully our supervisor realizes that we actually are doing what we’re suppose to do and has not sided with the client.  Because the staff involved have a good working relationship she has not been able to turn us against each other.  It’s a good thing.

All that being said, I still think it’s an overdosed phenomenon with a huge stigma attached to it. 

Currently, our staff is doing all the right things, and I hope that the client, and us, will be able to learn something from it.  Because we work as a team, we’ve decided to be consistent in the way we approach her and deal with her.  This virtually eliminates her success in playing us against each other.  Further, we had a community meeting with all her service providers (and her mother), and came up with a plan.  We’re sticking with the plan and trying to reinforce it with her.  This means redirecting accusations of “you’re not doing anything for me” to “did you get on the list for this class”? 

It also means ignoring some of her more exasturbating emails and reminding her to come in for her appointments.  This reinforces our team’s boundaries, because from what I’ve read, and what I’m observing, boundaries are going to be everything.  Fighting with her, is obviously unprofessional, but more over, it’s not going to work.  Accusing her of things is not going to help her or us in any way, shape, or form. 

the investigation is over!

I wish I could do this to Mr. boss man at the shelter, unfortunatly, that would definitly get me in worse trouble then I was in.  Some of you may recall that I was being formally investigated for unprofessional conduct...two months ago.  Well, I finally got my sit down meeting with the executive director as well as my supervisor.  Joy. of. joys.  The only thing I was looking forward to about this was that once it was over, it would be OVER.  It was hard for them to find a time to meet with me as they didn't want to break out of their presious 8-4 days, but it eventually happened.  

So Mr. boss man sat down and told me how wrong I was, and how I'd been unprofessional.  He then gave me a chance to speak.  I did not deny the accusations.  I agree, that wasn't the best I've ever done, and there were certainly better ways to handle the situation.  I learned a lot from it.  What I asked, when he said I could speak to it, was what was happening to the clients after their brutal verbal abuse and discrimination of another client.  The answer, nothing.  And no matter how hard I tried to acknowledge that I wasn't disputing the fact that I was wrong, our ED refused to acknowledge that there was even the slightest possibility that the clients had done anything wrong.  Heck, I wasn't even saying that the clients had done something wrong to ME, which I still believe they did, but it was the things they said about another client that really, really got to me, which I tried to express.  However, I was not heard.  I mean, really, it makes sense, Mr. Boss Guy has no idea who I am, he didn't even know I had been a permanent employee of the shelter.  At one point, and i counted, he had introduced himself to me four times thinking I was a new staff person each time... and he has NO idea what goes one with the clients...because he's never there to talk to them, and NEVER there at night.  

But enough's enough.  By the time I left his office, I was tearing a bit.  I wanted to just run out, but my supervisor stopped me and pulled me into his office.  And I'm glad he did.  He told me that he knew that what happened wasn't representative of me, and he knows and respects the way I treat the clients and the respect I have for them.  After getting beat down so much at that place, it was nice to hear.  I still left and cried my way home though.  

It occured to me, as I got out of the car, that my neighbours, if they see me, must think I'm crazy for all the times I've come home crying.  Then it further occured to me, that with only one exception it's all been related to the job at the shelter... can you say "unhealthy work environment"?  (interestingly enough, the other time was related to volunteering at Street Ministry and an incident with one of my shelter clients).  I started to have a panic attack when I walked in the door, which totally surprised me, and, here's where I'm proud of myself, I said to myself "no, you're not having a panic attack, there are better ways to deal", and I took some deep breaths and chilled out and was fine.  YAY!  

Now for the funny story!  So, when I work at the shelter, I generally wear jeans, a hoody, and skate shoes with my hair in a pony tail.  Now that I'm working with the work placement team I have to look professional, so today I was wearing black pants, a button down shirt, a jacket, and heels, my hair was up nicely in a clip.  When I walked through the drop in to get to the office, the entire room went silent as my clients just staaaared at me walking through.  I HAVE to remember that if I know I'm going there after work to bring a hoody or something, at least, and some flat shoes.  

So that's my today.  I'm feeling okay now, and I'm glad it's all over.  I am still not impressed, but hey, philosophies and policies like that are why I got another job. I really miss the shelter clients, but I'll still see them sometimes, I'm not dropping off the face of the planet.  And as my supervisor said today, my professional career is on it's way!  Hopefully I can go to sleep early tonight, and when I wake up it will all just be a memory long forgotten...well, except for the letter on my file for the next two years (assuming of course I stay casual for that long).  

gotta love it when they're out before they're in

So I had my first counseling session with a client today.  I felt like we moved waaaaaaaaaay too fast, but this guy was just eager to get things rolling and underway.  The thing of it was, he really wanted legal advice more then counseling, and so he wasn't really in the mood to slow things down.  

I have another client tomorrow who might come in.  She was kind of non-committal.  She's one of those clients who has seen just about everyone on our team and had some sort of falling out or failing with just about everyone.  Being the new girl, it's now my turn.  My supervisor thinks she's like me.  Who knows.  

Speaking of which, I had supervision today, which was nice.  I really like my supervisor.  I'm still kind of intimidated by her, but I think that's normal.  She seems to really care about the clients and about the staff, which is sooooooooo nice.  She said she was surprised I hadn't come and asked her more questions, but I really didn't have any for her.  I've sorted things out, and the other staff have been SO good about telling me stuff and helping me figure things out!  

My sinuses are still sore.  My ears were a bit better today though, instead it's my frontal sinuses giving me problems.  I've done the neti pot thing twice now.  It's a bit weird, but we'll see if it helps!  

antibiotics and yuck

I don't like antibiotics.  I think they're a wonderful invention, I totally agree that their lifesaving.  I also think they're over prescribed, and generally, they don't make me the world's healthiest person (I tend to get stomach side effects of varying forms and severity).  That all said, I've now been on antibiotics for 17 days straight, and I'M STILL NOT BETTER!  

You've probably noticed that I've got down on my blogging, and it's because I've just been too sick.  What I initially thought was going to be strep throat again turned out to be a sinus infection...or shall I say, assumed sinus infection, because the doctors haven't x-rayed my head to look for it, just treated me based on my symptoms.  Which is fine and dandy considering I've had them before.  BUT, I should be better.  I'm on my second round of antibiotics, and I really don't feel much better.  Yes, the fever's gone, but seriously, my ears hurt SO much.  After some research, I've discovered that it's the tubes in my ears, reacting to the pressure in my sinuses.  Basically, it's like I'm on an airplane which is taking off and taking off and taking off with no escape.  I catch myself sitting at my desk and pulling at my ears like a little kid with an earache.  Bah. Humbug. 

Not all is bad though.  My new job is going well.  I'm still kind of bored, but more stuff will come.  I'm co-facilitating two groups/classes next week, and I did my first solo intake on Friday.  I have supervision Monday (yes, that's right, we actually meet with our supervisor on a regular basis, as a requirement).  And, I get to take a workshop in June which work is paying for!!  It's going to be SO much easier to get my continuing ed hours when work actually lets me take work time for it!  Besides all that, my coworkers like Sushi, which just makes the whole world better for me!  

EDIT:  So, I tried the neti pot.  Interesting, interesting, interesting.  I'm not sure I did it for long enough on each side, but I'm going to try again tomorrow.  Anything to get rid of the ear aches, and I'm all about the more natural and tried and true ways (as in, neti pots were used for hundreds of years before the invention of antibiotics). 

the end of it all

I didn't post about looking/applying for a new job because I didn't want to have to write about failure.  I just find it easier not to tell people about my job prospects so I don't have to answer awkward questions later.  Of couse, these means I surprised a lot of people with my new job including you, my loyal readers... and my boss.  

I have to say, telling my boss I was going to use him as a reference wasn't exactly easy.  Especially when he wanted to know why I was leaving.  Of course, I could have declined to coment, but that just isn't my style.  So I told him... "I'm sick of being being bullied and I'm sick of locking people up".  He definitely latched onto the bullying thing.  He wanted to know why I hadn't come and talked to him further about the enforcer.  Why hadn't I said anything.  Why hadn't I just asked to change shifts etc...  My reasons, were kind of lame, and it got me thinking...and over thinking (of course). 

The truth is, in some ways, I am running away.  I'm running away from the enforcer instead of dealing with him like an adult.  It just seems so much easier.  Of course part of me believes nothing can change anyway, which is definitely part of it.  But, in so many other ways, I'm just moving on the way I always intended to.  I have ALWAYS been up front with my boss that I only intended to stay at the shelter for a year.  And while I'm a month short of a year, it just seemed like the right time, for a lot of reasons.  I got turned down, again, for a case management position at the shelter, and after that I just kind of felt like I was going nowhere there, that to stay and earn the seniority to move up to that position would just take me far too long, and after that, there was nothing.  

So what is my new job?  My title, is "Mental Health Counselor", but to tell you the truth, I'm not 100% positive exactly what I'll be doing.  I have a general idea though. Bascially, it's a work placement team for people entering/re-entering the workforce with mental illness.  People have to be somewhat stable to enter, so it's not people in the midst of horrible psychosis or anything.  So probably the most stable people I've ever worked with...  I get to be part of a multi-disiplinary team (yaaaaay) and so there are other people who concentrate more on the actual finding of employment and resumes and stuff (which is good, cause I know nothing about that).  It's a small caseload, which is good, and we spend a lot of time with each individual person.  AND I'll be working with SOCIAL WORKERS!!!  Including 2 people I went to school with, who I actually liked, but don't have any weird personal history with (although, I was a bit of a loud know it all in school, so who knows...)

I'm going for lunch with the team on April 1st, but I don't start my job till the 6th.  I like the place already.  The team leader was totally awesome about wanting to give me time to switch my body from working nights to working days and actually suggested a later starting date then I did.  I'll probably pick up a couple shifts at the shelter just so I can have SOME income during that time, but I wont' do any nights.  It'll actually help me get my schedule in order if I have to be up for something.  

In anycase, I'm excited.  I have a punch of other things to write about too (I've been making a list, lol) so you might actually get daily posts for the next week!  And then, then I'll have a whole new job to write about, new thoughts, new impressions, new staff, new clients, new everything!  To say the least, I'm excited!  

yikes... too much.

 Maybe it's stupid, but I always feel bad posting rants on my blog about how tired I am.  I always vowed I'd never be on of those "emo" bloggers who just complains about how much life stucks and how the world is out to get them.  Especially, when my life doesn't suck and the world is not out to get me.  There's just so much right now... except not.  

What happened (as the Sophie cat reaches her paw across the key board getting in the way) is that I got scheduled to work eight shifts in a row.  That's eight nights of homelessness, addictions and intoxication..in a row.  It was a scheduling "error", sort of, but it couldn't be fixed easily, and I got stuck doing it.  Worst of all, because it occurs over two pay periods it's not overtime.  Today is shift seven, I left after only three hours yesterday on shift six because I couldn't handle it anymore.  That and I choked on a pretzel and basically stopped breathing for a couple seconds and then puked and coughed and hacked and puked and cried infront of my coworkers.  Mostly though I was just so exhausted, and my headached, and people were fighting in the shelter.  I just could not stand the thought of having to go down into the drunk tank later that I went home.  Plus the enforcer was upset with me about something I chuckled at during shift change and was trying to pull some sort of explanation out of me, looking for my secret plot I guess, but I don't have one, REALLY, no secret plot.  

Anyway, I can already feel the tension building up in me, and I'm on the verge of tears, less then an hour till work.  I do NOT want to have take drugs to go to work, but one of those clonazepam I have sure seems like a good idea.  My doctor always says "take them, it's better to take them then not", but to tell you the truth I've taken maybe 7 since May when she prescribed them - up to two a day.  I like my Effexor, but for the most part clonazepam seems like a cop out.  The enforcer always goes on a rant about how people with mental health issues shouldn't work at our job, he's wrong, but if only he knew about my anxiety, what would he think of me then!?  

Giving myself some persective on the situation and looking at the big picture helps.  I only have two more days of this and in just over 3 weeks I'm going to visit best friend for a whole WEEK!  My job can be made hard by having something which is probably GAD but it's under control and I've worked hard at that, I CAN do my job, and I AM good at it.  While tonight seems hopeless there's a possibility of getting a better job on the other side of our building doing actual social work (not that what I do isn't social work, but it's more...traditional then watching drunk people sleep).  I'm going to apply for it as soon as it's posted, and since I know I was close last time, hopefully I get it this time!  Otherwise, I am probably leaving this job and this organization for somewhere more professional anyway.  

The truth is, I have it pretty good, but feeling crappy is okay.  I have a hard two nights ahead of me, and I'm tired.  It's okay to be tired.  I will do the best that I can do tonight and that's all that I can do.  I also won't eat pretzels, lol.  I'm going to put on clothes, start the car, gather my stuff, and I am going to go to work.  I am going to try and pay attention to the good things, and I am going to do this, one way or another, I'm going to do this.  

oh...and I'll have to feed the cat of course, not that she'd let me forget, she's staring at me as I type just waiting... 

i'm sorry I can't be perfect...or not

I've had to shift manage quite a few times lately, and twice in the last week.  I honestly don't mind, but it's also not something I want to do everyday.  Definitely not everyday.  It's really easy, until something goes wrong and then everything falls to you.  I'm just not interested in having that kind of responsibility on a regular basis, and besides, you can't do anything and it's really quite boring.  

Anyway, this week I had to do it when the person who was managing went home sick, unfortunately that was the second person gone, and we couldn't find anyone to come in, so we were REALLY short staffed.  I called our manager on call... twice and got no response.  When they finally called back it was "what do you want me to do?" what did I want?  I wanted them to tell me what I was supposed to be doing with that few staff.  But no, they just authorized some overtime and went to bed.  We did awesome.  The people working were great, and it was really quiet.  I was, to be honest, rather pleased with myself for keeping the situation under control and not getting worked up about stuff.  

Then after shift change, the day staff let me have it.  Man, according to them I was pretty much the worst person ever.  I guess it's against the union policy to have that few people in the building or something, and it's a huge deal (even though I know we've done it on nights before when the enforcers been in charge).  It all has to do with liability and while I totally get it, in a practical sense, what was I supposed to do.  According to the person reaming me out, I needed to call the day staff at 2AM and get one of them to come in at 3:30AM, four hours before their scheduled shift... I'm sure this would have gone over REALLY well had I done this (and let me tell you, if it ever happens again I know EXACTLY who I'll be calling).  

There were many other things that I was apparently wrong about, athough this was the big one, and to be brutally honest I got in the car and sobbed my way home.  I tried so hard to do everything right, and somehow it just wasn't good enough.  But as I pondered things I realized a few things.  For starters, it's important to remember where this all was coming from.  This is a person who tells me off a lot (like a daytime enforcer sort of) and talks down to many people, not just me.  Secondly, I did do many things right, nothing went wrong, and there were no emergencies, fights or issues.  While this may not be the case every time something like this were to happen, it was this time, and that's the important thing.  

The biggest thing I have to remember is that I am definitely the least experienced shift manager we have, by a lot.  All the other shifts have tons of waaaaaaaaaay more experienced people, but since most people don't want to work nights as soon as they have some seniority they swtich to a "better" shift.  Thus, the night shift has tends to have the newest people (except of course for the enforcer), even our alternate coordinator has less experience then like the 4rth alternate for days (wait, it's actually the 6th alternate...I just counted).  SO it's natural that I wouldn't know all the policies or what to do in all contingencies.  I've recieved no extra training to do this.  No one has ever sat down and said "this is what you do to be a shift manager" or "this is what to do when..."  As far as I can tell, there isn't even a book about it.  I mean, there's our general policies, half of which are still under review, but there's no specific section to go to.  I don't even have a job description for it because I'm not "the" coordinator.  

I coordinated the next day and even though I had almost full staff the day staff still found many things that I did "wrong".  This time though, I looked at things more critically and realized that in many cases it wasn't about "me" at all, it's more of a general frustration with the organization, the lack of communication and the lack of funding.  

This is one thing I honestly never dreamed I'd be doing... 

Finding Balance

Balance is not the easiest thing in life to achieve. I realized yesterday, after I spent the majority of my morning crying (and eating most of a frozen pizza) that my life was out of balance. I continued on my way, upset, but glad for a night off and bible study with a group of close friends. I continued to think about balance. I had a nap last night, and wound up waking up before 5AM. I decided I'd go to morning yoga.

This morning's yoga was what is referred to as a "flow" class, meaning it's more fast paced and a lot of things are joined together, and of course, being a hot yoga studio, it's in a hot room. So I went, and I sweat, and a tried to just let go. Not only is my life out of balance, but my body seemed completely out of balance too, I couldn't stand on one leg no matter how hard I tried. After yoga I decided I wanted to go to Starbucks, and walking there in back in the crisp air, the sun beginning to rise, I had a revelation.

My life doesn't have to be out of balance, and I am NOT falling apart. Things are bad at work right now, but that is just one aspect of my life and a very small part of my journey. Besides that, things are not always bad at work, and I am the only one who can change my reactions to things. Other parts of my life are going well, sometimes it seems overwhelming, but everything will get done. I will keep an eye out for new jobs (I applied for one yesterday), but it's not a rush, it doesn't have to happened today, tomorrow, or even next week.

The enforcer keeps his life in balance by dictating order and having discipline. He needs a hierarchy, chain of command and things to be exactly right in order for him to feel balanced. I need something different. My life seems more balanced when all my relationships and human interactions are going well, including my relationships with my coworkers. The enforcer has a hard time with me because I sway his balance. I want to be inclusive, to share work around, and he feels he needs to tell everyone exactly what they need to do. He sways my balance because he takes all my power away, and this leads me to feel at odds with him.

I like my job. I like the people in the shelter, and for the most part I like my coworkers. That being said, I have absolutely no intention of trusting any of them for a while. Which is hard. But, I have to remember also that there are different kinds and levels of trust, and while I may trust them to have my back, I don't have to trust them with information about this situation. It's going to be hard, but I am going to work on shutting my mouth and simply letting the enforcer make all the decisions when he is coordinating. No more will I say to ccf "do you want to do trip A or trip B, because the enforcer will simply tell us who has to do what. As I've said before though, he is not always the coordinator when I am on, and I think I am just going to have to deal with our different work styles when he is. Since he said very plainly he's not going to change, I am going to have to adjust my style if I want to keep doing my job.

And so, life will continue, and so will homelessness. I'm sure I will move on from this job far before the enforcer will, and so, when it comes to retirement and I look back on my life, he will only be a small blip on my radar, a lesson learned, a story to tell my students and a distant memory.

bad bad bad

The meeting this morning did not go well... and while I don't think the enforcer will actually try and sue me for slander and libel, well, he did put it out there. He says I'm trying to be the coordinator and tries to claim the incident never happened, that I've constructed a giant plot against him and that his gut, which has never been wrong, is telling him I have ulterior motives and a huge plan. Besides that, at least two of the people I trusted to talk this situation out with told the enforcer exactly what I said. And I can't for the life of me figure out which ones. Basically, I'm looking for a new job. We'll see... we'll see.

sometimes we get what we want (and realize we're not sure we want it)

So after a lot of heart searching a consulting with a couple colleagues I trust, I decided I would talk to my boss about what happened, and what's been going with, the enforcer. It was hard, harder then I thought it would be. I discovered there's a blank space in my memory of the event, which kind of freaks me out. I don't remember how it ended. I remember being in the corner being yelled at, and I remember being on the phone, getting ready to pick up donations. I don't remember getting up, or the argument stopping.

Anyway, my boss says we have to all get together and talk. Which is of course, what I expected. However, now that it's happening, I'm less then enthused. It doesn't help that I'm hearing from other staff that they've tried to deal with the enforcer and nothing has changed. All that will happen is my boss is going to try and make him listen to my side of things, and then make me listen to his. And I need to of course try and get through this without crying.

My boss basically said well, this is what the enforcer is like. Well, you know what, that doesn't make it right! I don't care if it's him being him. That's like when I got told "boys will be boys" when I was being bullied in middle school. The bullies aren't supposed to win. You know what it is though, is seniority with the union, management can't touch him unless they have an incredibly good reason. And if anything happens, it's going to be me who winds up having to change shifts, something I don't want to have to do.

I think the worst part of this is, we're not going to meet until next Tuesday morning (because of the weekend and the fact that the enforcer and I have only 3 days on together not 5 (I work his days off and he works mine). But, my boss is phoning him today to give him notice for the meeting. That means i have minimum three shifts (probably four) during which I have to work with him, knowing we have to do this later.

I'm going to be honest right now, I mean if I can't be honest in my blog, where can I be honest, and say that this is really upsetting me. And honestly, I'm upset and embarrassed that it's getting to me. I'm crying more, about other things too, I'm grumpy and cranky, I'm tired all the time, and going to work just isn't good anymore when I know he's going to be there. I have to deal with this one way or another, and I'm glad I spoke up, but wow, I feel like total crap. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of feeling like crap. I thought once all the changes in my life were done things would level off for me, but then this happens and things seem to get even worse. I will get through this, but what will it cost me verses what will I gain!?

confidentiality

Confidentiality. All through school I've had it drilled into me. Confidentiality, confidentiality, confidentiality. And when are the times you can break confidentiality?

- Threat of harm to self
- Threat of harm to others
- Abuse of a child

And that's it. You can't just go around breaking people's confidentiality for other reasons. This is where the enforcer and I disagree.

The situation is this. We have someone in detox who may know some more details about how a woman died (I wrote about her a few entries ago, she was found on the street, gone). It may be that someone pushed her down the steps. During his detox intake he disclosed it to the worker (we're called "crisis workers") who shared it in shift change.

Now the enforcer seems to think that we have a duty to report this to the police and I disagree. I say we have to respect people's confidentiality and that all we can do is encourage this person to report it.

Unfortunately, that is not what came out of my mouth though, and here's where I created my entire problem which lead to our entire fight, and I should have known better. I said something like, "as I social worker the only time I can break confidentiality is - see above". This is when the lecture started. The lecture about how I'm not a social worker I'm a crisis worker, and I can't say I'm a social worker while I'm working because I'm not. I say I'm I social worker wherever I am. That I am a registered social worker and breaking people's confidentiality like that could make me lose my registration with my professional institute.

The enforcer starts getting really mad, tells me that it doesn't matter. That I have to follow agency policy, which is to report things (since when?), and that I'll be prosecuted if I don't. He has me cornered, yelling at me, and my supervisor (who I love) jumps into it too, telling me I'm not a social worker there and I have to follow policy. The enforcer won't let me speak, keeps telling me I'm interrupting, so I let him have his thing. Then when I want to have a turn, he won't let me speak, and goes on about how hard I am to work with. This is when I exit to go the bathroom and cry.

When I'm semi calmed down, I go back upstairs and say "Okay, I'm taking into consideration what you said, I'll talk to our boss and my professional institute and work this out. I'm new at this whole social work thing, and still have a lot to work out". I go about my work, getting on my knees to fill up some sugar. The enforcer stands over and yells some more. I keep crying and remind him "I don't want to talk about it". "Why would you want to talk to our boss, don't talk to him". I tell the enforcer that if that's the policy I'll quit, because one job is not worth losing my registration over, and then the enforcer, my supervisor and I get into it again. I'm basically ready to quit my job on the spot, except it still seems like a really far fetched policy, and well, I like my job. a lot. So I leave. But just to go pick up some donations. It takes me an hour of driving, a clonazepam (klonopin) and some yoga breathing in a random parking lot, but by the time I come back, I'm actually mostly calmed down.

In the morning, I talk to my boss about it, first thing. Not the fight exactly, just what the policy is. Turns out, the policy is exactly what I wrote at the very beginning. My boss says "we're not the justice system, we'll never have any trust with these clients if we tried to be". So I was right, but it really doesn't feel very good at all, and I'm not planning on telling the enforcer that, why bother. I want to sit down with him and talk it out, but I don't think it's going to happen, at least not yet.

A collegue got to work the next day and already knew about our fight, how, they'd run into each other and the enforcer mentioned "I made still dreaming cry last night". Oh, so this is a point of bragging now? If I didn't love my job...

oh to be a social worker

I am SO sick of the staff at work hating me because I'm a social worker and trying to convince me that I'm horrible because of it. YES, I am a young, white, female social worker! I accept that! But, that's the way things are, and it's not going to change just because you spend a morning arguing about it with me!

I can very much understand the clients dislike of social workers and I rarely share my educational background with them, why bother. I do in some cases, cases in which I feel it would be of benefit to them or to the profession itself (and won't hurt the relationship with the client), but just in general, no. So many of my clients have been SO hurt by social workers in the past. While it's great for them to know that not all social workers are evil, I also do not want to create barriers where there don't have to be any. In some cases, I have to use my education in order to create an atmosphere in which people are willing to talk to me (I look, well, young, like, high school young). People feel more comfortable knowing I'm not just some kid. In some cases, when people know me quite well, it's good to share that to help build their opinion of social workers.

The staff though, the staff seem to have a VERY hard time with the social worker thing. I get it. I really do, but still, it drives me crazy. Many of them have been hurt by social workers in the past as well, and watched the clients get hurt by social workers over and over again. But nothing is that simple and in many cases we personify systemic failure and social worker seems to get the blame. Bah, I say, BAH!

I worked over time yesterday (or was it today?) morning, staying for 4 extra hours because three people called in sick. I was run off my feet. The person I was working with, whose butt I was saving(she was coordinating) spent time trying to convince me about why social workers are horrible. How she knows LOTS of social workers and they're all cold hearted bitches who don't know what they're doing and don't understand where the clients are coming from. How education means absolutely nothing. It got to the point she basically told me that since I hadn't lived on the streets or had an addiction I had no business going into social services. Excuse me?

I may not have lived on the streets, but that's where empathy comes in. I may not have had an addiction to an illicit substance, but that doesn't mean i can't empathize with them! I happen to be quite addicted to caffeine and to my anti-anxiety medication (oh gosh, the withdrawls). I may not have got myself thrown in the drunk tank, but I've done some pretty stupid things in my time. Just because I'm a white female doesn't mean I haven't experienced challenges in my life I've had to overcome, and I would like people to stop assuming that.

I think the opinion of the staff matters to me so much because they are my peers. I want my peers to respect my work, and to relate on a professional level with me. Instead, there is a huge deal of recentment, as many of them are uneducation and have been hurt by social workers and here comes young me with my education, and idealism, and energy (I'm hyper, okay), and management and the clients seem to really like me. I have ideas and theories about things which are new and different...that's not bad, but it's change. And they forget that I already knew many of the clients before I started. I'm not meeting them for the first time.

And that rather awkwardly concludes this rant.

office politics

I find that picture incredibly amusing, although I'm not sure it completely relates to what I want to write about.

My favourite supervisor is leaving the night shift. My awesome, yet very old and very in need of moving to days supervisor, is moving to days. It is a very good thing, for him, and for the day shift. For me however, it sucks, because the enforcer is likely going to be in charge five nights a week from now on. This does not exactly make me "happy". In fact, it scares me, but I'm trying to go into things with an open mind. If I expect it to be bad, it will be bad, so I'm going to try and make the best of it. I may eventually have to sit down and try to talk things out with him though. The guy's been at the shelter longer then I've been alive though, so he is "always right".

There are so many politics at play in my workplace. For example, the job I wanted, the social work position? The manager of that department also applied, she wants to work directly with clients again. Of course she got it, I had no chance. My union pointed out to me that I can file a grievence because as management she wasn't in the union and I was... as if I'm going to do that. I might get the job, but the whole place would hate me. And then there's the whole senority thing. It really doesn't matter how good a person is at anything, it's all about seniority. From what I can see, all the union does is make things confusing. But, I don't know enough about unions to make a lot of comments about ours.

I need to eat something, and get ready for work. I'm fairly sure the enforcer is off tonight, so I'm feeling like tonight is going to be great. In fact, no matter what, I am going to have a great night, and then go to yoga in the morning. And when I come home, the newest Grey's Anatomy (my guilty girly pleasure) had better be ready for download... i'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting... sigh.

less then healed but definitely better

I'm finally almost better! Actually, I've gotten over whatever this was very quickly, and today I'm not even taking decongestants. As long as it doesn't settle in my chest I'm free! Considering it was just three days ago I was lying across three chairs in the emergency room crying, I've made an incredible recovery (I will give complete credit to the 2 liter bottle of ginger ail I drank).

Work yesterday was the pits though. I had a couple really great conversations with clients, but it was marred by staffing issues and the fact I felt feverish. I will be SO glad when I don't have to work the evening shift any more. We had 20+ people in detox, which is a lot. It also means a lot more laundry and a lot more dishes. We also did two intakes. Fine. Problem is, my supervisor left me basically on my own for the second half of my shift (there's supposed to be always two staff back there when we're more then 10 clients. On a day where I was healthy I could have done it no problem, but because I was feeling crappy, I just wasn't in the mood.

Mr. nice guy tried to help, which was sweet, but he was training a new staff at the front, so really couldn't. Best quote ever though. I answered the phone in detox to record a new intake from the front and he says "what's wrong with you?". Because I know him, I knew what he meant and answer "I have a flu/cold thing which is screwing up my voice", but I found his bluntness and choice of words amusing.

I'm sure today will be equally "pleasing". I'm hoping for a good partner, cause I'm sure I will be working detox again. It should be nice, as I'll get some good client time in which I always appreciate, and since it seems like everyone got their "one load of laundry while in detox" laundry done yesterday and there were only a couple scheduled discharges there shouldn't be too too much laundry!

freaky

I had a kind of freaky day at work today. I really wish we had proper debrief! It just seems sort of...expected... that we won't have issues with the stuff that happens there, and I just don't get that. However, with some of the newer staff, I'm feeling able to form a bond so that maybe some of that debrief can take place, just informally, amongst ourselves. Because, maybe it takes place informally amongst the others, and I just don't fit in yet.

Anyway, not long before shift change one of my detox clients had a really bad seizure. At first I didn't know what was going on, I thought she was just joking around. She started gasping for air and stiffening and falling over. One of the other clients caught her. Mr. nice guy and I ran over to her and the three of us lowered her to the ground where she continued to seize. She started vomit a little, so we quickly got her on her side. Not a long seizure, but then a long period of unconsciousness with no rousability and odd twitches/eye movements. As she started coming out of it, Mr. nice guy left to check on the status of the ambulance and I stayed with her.

The client started coming around, but was behaving oddly. After getting no verbal response, I took her hands and asked her to squeeze them. The client squeezed, but instead of just squeezing she kept trying to put them in her mouth, and she was STRONG. I called for Mr. nice guy and he helped me wrestle myself away from her. Anyway, first response took a looooong time to get there, and my client was freakishly altered. No sense of where she was, how she got there, and asking very strange questions. Her voice was different and so were her mannerisms. Firefighters arrived, and did all her vitals and stuff, and then we waited, and waited, and waited for the paramedics. A consious female, even a very altered one, just doesn't take priority.

My client was SO altered though. And just odd. Every time a guy walked near us, she FREAKED out. She grabbed me really hard one time and freaked me out too. And she was freaking out all the other clients, because they wanted reassurance she was okay, and she didn't know who they were. She told me that the one man "had beat everyone up" (nope) and another had been kicking her purse (nope). She still didn't know where she lived, or where she was or anything like that. Strong denial about having a seizure.

Finally paramedics came and she was able to walk out with them. She wanted me to go the hospital with her, and I was quite sad that I couldn't. It's hard when you're with someone through something like that, and even though they have no clue who you are, they realize that you're someone safe and then you have to leave them. She'll be okay though. The paramedics were nice, and she's a white well groomed female.

But yeah, after that, shift change was over and it was time to go home. I thanked mr. nice guy for saving me from being eaten, but that was it, he didn't seem to want to talk, and one of my favourite staff just said, yeah, people have a post seizure period of alterdness. But, it freaked me out! I'm okay now, but yeah, it would have been really nice for someone to acknowledge that it had been a bit traumatic for me! Maybe I need to speak up more. Or maybe everyone at work is just so used to it now they don't even thinking about it. I mean, I've seen a few seizures already and I've only been there 3 months.

grumpy tuesday

I had a grumpy Tuesday morning which started with a bad Monday night. It made me more aware then ever about how my mood affects clients. Interesting...

Anyway, Monday started off well, woke up at six, went to a friend's house for a youth retreat planning meeting, went out for ice cream! Went to work... Basically as soon as I got to work I felt sick. But, I went out on van patrol anyway. Half way through I stopped for some advil. By the end though I was just like "crap", how am I going to survive the night. I was soooo nauseous. One of our staff went home sick Sunday night, so I'm thinking "crap" maybe I have what she has/had.

I go down to IPDA (and I eat something, in case it's a "i had ice cream for breakfast" thing). Things are going fine down there, I do a discharge, and then I get five intakes in a row. Five. and not just in a row. I did five intakes in 25 minutes. Which is a lot. I was also interupted by some cops in police windbreakers looking for some guy who we haven't had contact with in four years. They told the other cops they "took priority". Maybe they did, but it meant I had to close everything I was doing and access a different part of the badly set up computer database. I didn't do any paper work till I was done with the intakes. Which has it's ups and it's downs. I almost passed out - I was dizzy, and begged one of the other staff to clean my cell from my discharge (yay for teamwork).

So I finish my turn in IPDA. Great. I tell my supervisor how sick I'm feeling and he orders me to take a break. I get distracted. I get reordered to take a break. So I sit down and eat and drink. One of the shelter cleaners (client) comes and asks for garbage bags, there's two other staff by the garbage bags. Neither of them do anything, but niether do I. SO one of our other staff comes in, client asks for garbage bags again. Staff get them, he thanks him, looks directly at me and says "cause all some staff do around here is sit on their arses". So I tell him he can't talk to me like that and he ignores me.

Fine, whatever. I'm annoyed, because this guy is well educated and not intoxicated, and he meant what he said. Some of our clients would say it in fun, or while drunk, I can deal with that, but not this. Especially when he has no idea that I'm dizzy or that i've been forced to sit down by my supervisor. So I mention it to my supervisor. He gets all defensive of me, and takes the client into the office for a little "chat". The client tells my supervisor that I'm the most patronizing staff member ever. Interesting. I'm not patronizing, I'm NICE. There is a BIG difference, and most people really appreciate it. I will have to watch myself though.

But, I was definitely in a bad mood, sick, tired, insulted, and now concerned about being called patronizing and a little annoyed that my supervisor did that. Oh, and I got reminded that people are only allowed one cup of coffee, so I had to work hard to enforce that. Everybody was swearing at me. It was a bad day. Oh, and it was raining. But I can't help wondering if the fact that I was in a bad mood to start with contributed to everyone's being mad at me. I mean, normally the clients in the coffee line do not swear at me. It just doesn't happen. I know my mood rubs off on clients, and so does my attitude. That happens with all the staff, and I see it on a regular basis. Even while intoxicated, people generally tend to respond better to people who treat them with respect (although it's a lot harder then).

When I was doing practicum only 2 days a week, it was a lot easier to curb my emotions while I was there and be happy all the time. Now that I'm working five days a week it's very different. I find that I'm having to work harder at it, and that I experience a greater range of moods over that time in general anyway. It's something I'm going to watch, reflect on, and see what happens.

happy :)

I had a great day at work last night (or is that a great night at work this morning), I never know. There were some hard parts, and a scary part, but really it was great.

I love working the night shift. The staff on nights are fun to be around, and they get their work done without taking things to over seriously. We laugh and joke and interact as a team - so important, and so different then some of the other shifts. It was also a quiet night for the most part, so we were able to have time to get things done well without feeling rushed.

It was also a good night because I saw a client that I hadn't seen in probably 6 months. She's someone I've known since my first summer job when I was 16. At that time she had custody of her kids, lived with her husband, and while she wasn't doing amazing, she was doing okay. Since then, things have gone down hill. Lost her kids, had her next child apprehended at birth, was using all sorts of drugs, prostituting, keeping odd company who was likely prostituting her, sniffing etc... I'd see her when I was out doing street patrols, or at street ministry, and she just looked like death. She's HIV positive, probably not on meds, not taking care of herself etc...

I really though she was dead. I really did. And then today she randomly walks into the drop in for soup at 7AM...sniff rag in hand, hand infront of nose, but in she walked. And she's ALIVE, and she's looking better then she has in forever. I told her about the street ministry bbq tonight (which reminds me, I have to post about my ethical issues), and I'm hoping she comes so that we'll have the chance to talk. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Van patrol was also good tonight. We didn't have too much people interaction, but we saw a raccoon, I've never seen one before, we watched it for a little bit. I was surprised to see one in city center. I had a really great talk with the other staff I was with, which was really nice. Plus, I decided that since the raccoon was the highlight of the night, I would write it on our trip log. So at 01:48 we had contact with "raccoon" on "a street" and provided the service "observation". Whoever codes that for stats should have a good laugh!

I love going to sleep with a smile on my face!

guess what, it's another post about...sleep!!!

I'm exhausted. work today was CRAZY. It showed me why social workers burn out. Because honestly, if it was like that every single day, I would burn out very quickly. Work yesterday was very busy too. Silly Canada Day making people drink! There is also the fact that I worked days both those days... I hate working days. They're completely and totally evil. My body just does not work in the right way for me to actively participate in a job that starts at 7:30 in the morning.

I can't even begin to explain how frustrated I am with one of the staff at work. She told me off in front of a client and a trainee today. She was right, but it wasn't something that was that desperately important that she didn't to stop what she was doing and get mad at me. And I didn't respond. I should have. I should have told her later. That if she had an issue with my work she needed to talk to me in private. Really though, it was just that what I was doing was bothering her, because she's a control freak. Then she was really rude to a client, and that bugged me waaaaaaaay more (I think). Part of me is still really just plain made at her for being a jerk to me.

I dunno. Being over tired today certainly did not help the situation any. Last night, because of Canada Day, there were lots of people partying and my neighbourhood was really loud. It kept me up waaaaay past when I needed to be asleep. And so, I was sleepy. And that, is my story.


p.s. My registration came through and I am now officially a Registered Social Worker!!!