Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Finding Balance

Balance is not the easiest thing in life to achieve. I realized yesterday, after I spent the majority of my morning crying (and eating most of a frozen pizza) that my life was out of balance. I continued on my way, upset, but glad for a night off and bible study with a group of close friends. I continued to think about balance. I had a nap last night, and wound up waking up before 5AM. I decided I'd go to morning yoga.

This morning's yoga was what is referred to as a "flow" class, meaning it's more fast paced and a lot of things are joined together, and of course, being a hot yoga studio, it's in a hot room. So I went, and I sweat, and a tried to just let go. Not only is my life out of balance, but my body seemed completely out of balance too, I couldn't stand on one leg no matter how hard I tried. After yoga I decided I wanted to go to Starbucks, and walking there in back in the crisp air, the sun beginning to rise, I had a revelation.

My life doesn't have to be out of balance, and I am NOT falling apart. Things are bad at work right now, but that is just one aspect of my life and a very small part of my journey. Besides that, things are not always bad at work, and I am the only one who can change my reactions to things. Other parts of my life are going well, sometimes it seems overwhelming, but everything will get done. I will keep an eye out for new jobs (I applied for one yesterday), but it's not a rush, it doesn't have to happened today, tomorrow, or even next week.

The enforcer keeps his life in balance by dictating order and having discipline. He needs a hierarchy, chain of command and things to be exactly right in order for him to feel balanced. I need something different. My life seems more balanced when all my relationships and human interactions are going well, including my relationships with my coworkers. The enforcer has a hard time with me because I sway his balance. I want to be inclusive, to share work around, and he feels he needs to tell everyone exactly what they need to do. He sways my balance because he takes all my power away, and this leads me to feel at odds with him.

I like my job. I like the people in the shelter, and for the most part I like my coworkers. That being said, I have absolutely no intention of trusting any of them for a while. Which is hard. But, I have to remember also that there are different kinds and levels of trust, and while I may trust them to have my back, I don't have to trust them with information about this situation. It's going to be hard, but I am going to work on shutting my mouth and simply letting the enforcer make all the decisions when he is coordinating. No more will I say to ccf "do you want to do trip A or trip B, because the enforcer will simply tell us who has to do what. As I've said before though, he is not always the coordinator when I am on, and I think I am just going to have to deal with our different work styles when he is. Since he said very plainly he's not going to change, I am going to have to adjust my style if I want to keep doing my job.

And so, life will continue, and so will homelessness. I'm sure I will move on from this job far before the enforcer will, and so, when it comes to retirement and I look back on my life, he will only be a small blip on my radar, a lesson learned, a story to tell my students and a distant memory.


antiSWer said...

It sounds like you have a good outlook on the situation. It's difficult, but you're right. He'll be one little blip on your radar.

And good for you for applying for jobs. Working in a toxic environment is horrible. I've had bad supervisors before and it's just not fun.

There's some job out there waiting for you. It's your job to find it. :)

Caroline said...

Well fair play to you girl. You have got this in perspective and you sound as if it has helped you take a look at your life - the whole damn thing from cradle to grave is a learning process and hopefully now you have sussed this one you won't have to do it again in a different guise down the line - and no matter what, you have dealt with the worst he can do whereas he will always be a power crazy paranoid individual - it may not be a competition win!

cb said...

That post really inspired me to put some of my own finicky work-related angsts to bed - so thanks for sharing it and it sounds like a good place to be in!

lcsw mom said...

I think it's so interesting that you weren't able to balance yourself in yoga while you were feeling so off balance emotionally. There is a strong mind/body connection and it's great that you listen to your body and take cues from it that something needs to change. Take care of yourself and best of luck on the job search!

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