I wish I still had bad coping skills?

So here's the thing. I'm house hunting, and the market where I live is completely a sellers market. I was out bid on a house 2 weeks ago, that went for 20000 over the asking price, and then yesterday I lost a house I REALLY wanted because it went for 30000 over the asking price.

To say I was upset, would be an understatement. I don't know if it was the new homeopathy, the massage I got that day, being depressed, or something, but man I lost it. I cried for like 2 hours straight, just couldn't stop. I sat on the floor of my shower with hot, hot water pounding down on me and just sobbed. This was arguably a good experience for me, as it helped me release some of the pent up emotion inside me, that was sort of the goal of this whole journaling and opening up thing after all!

The amusing (now) part of this all was the conversation I was having with myself while sitting on the floor of the shower. Basically, one part of my mind was thinking of every unhealthy coping skill it could and the other half of my brain was shooting it down. One part of my brain was being incredibly black and white, and the other half was adding shades of grey. And let me tell you, I feel like in the moment it would have been SO much easier to be in the black and white negative side. Why? Perhaps a few examples.

1. A: You should cut yourself, cutting yourself would help you feel better. B: Yeah, but then I'd have scars and I'd be mad at myself, and even though it would feel good in the moment, it would hurt later. A: Well, you need to shave your legs anyway, and if the razor just, slipped... B: So, not shaving my legs tonight then, razor gets nowhere near me. A: then how are we going to make the feelings stop? B: I don't know...

2. A: Well, why don't we have a drink. I know you have some Kahlua kicking around. B: Yeah, that sounds good, wait, no, not only do I not want to do something stupid while intoxicated, knowing my luck, I'll find up sick and/or hungover.

3. A: Well, you're never going to get a house at this rate. You can't afford one, you might as well give up, it's impossible. B: I've only seen SIX houses and offered on two. I know the market sucks, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. A: Yeah, but you're never going to find another house that's just right for you. B: That's what I thought after the first house two, and then I saw the second house...

And so things went on from there, and the font on this blog entry decided it didn't want to be straight forward either. In anycase, I just so badly wanted to be able to yell and scream and do something destructive or give up, or quite, or something, anything, to make it all go away. But, the rational, self aware part of my brain that teaches CBT skills just wouldn't let me. Which is good to know, but is SO FRUSTRATING in the moment.

I don't know if this entry makes any sense. I'm getting sleepy, but I really wanted to try and get some of this out there.

To sum up, although my life is SO much better with all the coping skills I've learned, it also makes things more complicated, and at times I really do miss some of those negative options.

Day 11 - Cultivating Peace

By the end of yoga today I was crying. Not because of physical pain, although both my ankle and my elbow were hurting, and not because I was particularly exhausted, but just because I was crying. I'm not sure what triggered exactly, perhaps simply that my body doesn't always move the way I'd like it to, but I really think it was more than that. There's a lot of stress in my life right now, and stress tends to come out in our bodies. I don't know if yoga released some of that, or brought it to the surface or what, but there was something going on there. Tomorrow I'm doing some nice, basic, hatha yoga. Stretching in the hot room, but not Sun Salutations, no Flows and no rushing.

I sent this as an email update to friends, so perhaps I'll add it here as well.

I know I haven't been the most talkative this week, but I wanted to update you all on what's going on (for some of you you're jumping in in the middle here because I've been bad with updates, but here's what's going on).

My grandma (my father's mother) has pneumonia. As I last heard she is still conscious and eating (as long as it's pureed, she is no longer able to chew or to swallow hard foods) and is taking antibiotics. She is on oxygen and she is not expected to be able to beat the pneumonia and has been moved to palliative care.

My father is going out to see my grandma (across the country) and say goodbye. I am driving him to the airport tomorrow morning. Although he initially wanted me to come, we decided it would be better if I stayed here to look after my mother and came out for her funeral, either this trip, or a trip in the future. He is planning on returning on Wednesday.

We found out on Tuesday that my mother's chemotherapy did not work and her tumor has grown. The tumor coats many of the major organs in her abdomen including her intestines, lungs, and liver. They have decided to try my mother on a different kind of chemotherapy, however there are potentially lethal side effects associated with it and she has to be very careful. At this point the chemotherapy is simple to extend her life, there is no hope of a cure.

In addition to the cancer my mother has developed a blood clot in her leg which runs from her groin down into her calf. She was on injectable blood thinners at the hospital all last week but seems to have been stabilized on warfarin for now. I am taking her to the hospital tomorrow where they will check her levels and do care of the pic line she has in her arm for chemo.

In summary, at this point, I'm staying in the city and my father's going away. But, I'm also back to that uncertain place of not knowing when I might be flying across the country.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. In particular my father who is leaving his very sick wife to say goodbye to his dying mother. Please also pray for my mother as she will spending a lot of time on her own in the upcoming days. And of course please pray for my sister has she is placed into the role of primary house keeper. And me, as I try and make sure that everything comes together, is taken care of, and everyones needs are met.

Day 4

It's day four, and I'm sore. Not horribly sore, but it's also not morning yet and I've done 3 hot flow classes in a row. Perhaps I'll take in a hatha class tomorrow, we shall see.

My first victory of the day was seeing how despite my ankle, my arm strength has really improved and I was able to hold crow pose (in the picture) for at least 5 seconds before I fell over. This is huge for me, because if you'd asked me two months ago if a 200+ lb girl would ever be able to hold an arm balance I probably would have said no. Yoga has been going well, despite the challenges I'm having fitting it into my day.

My other victory of the day was being able to tell my counsellor that since going back to yoga my mental health has been WAY better. I mean, I totally still have my moments (today I cried because I realized my mom would never knit my baby mittens) but things are going way better. She suggested that we not meet for a while, since I only get 12 sessions a year with her, and that I work on maintaining things on my own, using yoga for my healthy coping. So we'll see how it goes.

the investigation is over!

I wish I could do this to Mr. boss man at the shelter, unfortunatly, that would definitly get me in worse trouble then I was in.  Some of you may recall that I was being formally investigated for unprofessional conduct...two months ago.  Well, I finally got my sit down meeting with the executive director as well as my supervisor.  Joy. of. joys.  The only thing I was looking forward to about this was that once it was over, it would be OVER.  It was hard for them to find a time to meet with me as they didn't want to break out of their presious 8-4 days, but it eventually happened.  

So Mr. boss man sat down and told me how wrong I was, and how I'd been unprofessional.  He then gave me a chance to speak.  I did not deny the accusations.  I agree, that wasn't the best I've ever done, and there were certainly better ways to handle the situation.  I learned a lot from it.  What I asked, when he said I could speak to it, was what was happening to the clients after their brutal verbal abuse and discrimination of another client.  The answer, nothing.  And no matter how hard I tried to acknowledge that I wasn't disputing the fact that I was wrong, our ED refused to acknowledge that there was even the slightest possibility that the clients had done anything wrong.  Heck, I wasn't even saying that the clients had done something wrong to ME, which I still believe they did, but it was the things they said about another client that really, really got to me, which I tried to express.  However, I was not heard.  I mean, really, it makes sense, Mr. Boss Guy has no idea who I am, he didn't even know I had been a permanent employee of the shelter.  At one point, and i counted, he had introduced himself to me four times thinking I was a new staff person each time... and he has NO idea what goes one with the clients...because he's never there to talk to them, and NEVER there at night.  

But enough's enough.  By the time I left his office, I was tearing a bit.  I wanted to just run out, but my supervisor stopped me and pulled me into his office.  And I'm glad he did.  He told me that he knew that what happened wasn't representative of me, and he knows and respects the way I treat the clients and the respect I have for them.  After getting beat down so much at that place, it was nice to hear.  I still left and cried my way home though.  

It occured to me, as I got out of the car, that my neighbours, if they see me, must think I'm crazy for all the times I've come home crying.  Then it further occured to me, that with only one exception it's all been related to the job at the shelter... can you say "unhealthy work environment"?  (interestingly enough, the other time was related to volunteering at Street Ministry and an incident with one of my shelter clients).  I started to have a panic attack when I walked in the door, which totally surprised me, and, here's where I'm proud of myself, I said to myself "no, you're not having a panic attack, there are better ways to deal", and I took some deep breaths and chilled out and was fine.  YAY!  

Now for the funny story!  So, when I work at the shelter, I generally wear jeans, a hoody, and skate shoes with my hair in a pony tail.  Now that I'm working with the work placement team I have to look professional, so today I was wearing black pants, a button down shirt, a jacket, and heels, my hair was up nicely in a clip.  When I walked through the drop in to get to the office, the entire room went silent as my clients just staaaared at me walking through.  I HAVE to remember that if I know I'm going there after work to bring a hoody or something, at least, and some flat shoes.  

So that's my today.  I'm feeling okay now, and I'm glad it's all over.  I am still not impressed, but hey, philosophies and policies like that are why I got another job. I really miss the shelter clients, but I'll still see them sometimes, I'm not dropping off the face of the planet.  And as my supervisor said today, my professional career is on it's way!  Hopefully I can go to sleep early tonight, and when I wake up it will all just be a memory long forgotten...well, except for the letter on my file for the next two years (assuming of course I stay casual for that long).  

thank you

 Thank you guys all for your support.  It really does mean a lot to me.  I think I'm a bit calmed down now, I'm trying to see the big picture, to look at this from the outside instead of from my heart.  Watching Sophie cat drink water with her paw (dip and lick, dip and lick) always brings a smile to my face, as did watching her decide she didn't actually want to eat my strawberries!  

I'm going to get through this.  It's going to be fine.  To give it slightly more context, the accusations against me, basically have to do with words said to clients in a volatile situation and whether they were unprofessional, offensive, inappropriate etc... They have these words tape recorded, or at least some of them.  Management has thus far only heard their side of the story.  I'm not saying a word without my union rep (and to think, I used to be annoyed by the union).  For them to send all accused home from work last night would have been next to impossible.  Half the staff would have been gone and the shelter would have had to close.  I somehow doubt that would have gone over well!  

I keep reminding myself that the absolute worst thing that can happen is that they fire me.  It's okay if they fire me.  I have another job.  I haven't signed my letter of hire yet, but from what I understand from my union rep it would be absolutely not okay for the shelter to say anything to my new job.  I know I didn't do anything nearly unethical enough to lose the R off my RSW.  I need to trust that in myself and stop second guessing myself.  I have already learned from what has happened, and had learned from it before this whole thing surfaced.  Likely, what will happen is that I will get a verbal reprimand and a letter in my file, if I'm found "guilty" of whatever it is I'm accused of, which I'm not sure of.  All I've been told is that I'm "under investigation" and I've been told to "behave professionally".  

I will keep you guys updated.  It'll be interspersed with other posts that I've already got written and set to publish, so if you're wondering how it's bouncing back and forths from stories about death and prositution (thankfully not in the same story) to updates about my investigation, my sanity and my new job, that's why.  

you guys rock.  as do my friends.  I sobbed to bestest bud on the way home from choir (note to self, driving and crying isn't the best idea), and best friend and I have plans to talk.  I even mentioned it to my pastor and well, a lot of my church friends.  I was pretty upset and mad when I got to church (oh how I did not want to be there...it's good for me though, all I would have done at home is cry).  So, somehow or another I'll be okay.  I seem to be falling apart at the seams a bit, but I'll find the right needle and thread so that God and I can begin piecing me back together.  

not what I expected

I arrived at work tonight to find one of our managers waiting for a coworker and I.  Into the office we were dragged.  I am now under "formal investigation" for an incident which occured two nights ago, a third coworker is as well.  This is being taken "extremely seriously" I really can't discuss it here, but of course, I'll plead my innocence.  On the other side of things, I do see how I could have done things differently, and if I was to do it again, I would have tried a different approach... I still think this is over kill though.  The clients accusing us, video taped us on their cell phones...without our consent.  

We were not advised of our right not to say anything without a union rep present... thankfully our third coworker was and let us know that.  Our executive director will be contacting us as he's spearheading the investigation.  I did speak to one of our union reps this morning.  She told me not to say a word without one of them present.  This is serious.  I can't believe this is happening.  I'm not the kind of person who gets into trouble, and definitely not trouble like this.  

I managed to survive the night, although one client might have seen a couple tears run down my cheek, this after my supervisor told my coworker and I off for something else...he was drunk at least and probably won't remember. 

I had a panic attack when I walked through my door though.  I can't even remember the last time I had a panic attack.  But I picked up the Sophie cat and got through it, I calmed myself down pretty quickly.  I just really, really, really hope this doesn't screw up my registration as a social worker, I don't think it can screw up my new job, unless I lose registration, which I require.  This seriously cannot be that serious though, because nothing really happened!  I wish I could talk about it, but I really, really can't.  Just in case.  

I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, that I'm leaving, that if I can't stay on the casual list so be it.  It's just this horrible feeling sitting on me, telling me that I'm in trouble, just when things were looking up.  

yikes... too much.

 Maybe it's stupid, but I always feel bad posting rants on my blog about how tired I am.  I always vowed I'd never be on of those "emo" bloggers who just complains about how much life stucks and how the world is out to get them.  Especially, when my life doesn't suck and the world is not out to get me.  There's just so much right now... except not.  

What happened (as the Sophie cat reaches her paw across the key board getting in the way) is that I got scheduled to work eight shifts in a row.  That's eight nights of homelessness, addictions and intoxication..in a row.  It was a scheduling "error", sort of, but it couldn't be fixed easily, and I got stuck doing it.  Worst of all, because it occurs over two pay periods it's not overtime.  Today is shift seven, I left after only three hours yesterday on shift six because I couldn't handle it anymore.  That and I choked on a pretzel and basically stopped breathing for a couple seconds and then puked and coughed and hacked and puked and cried infront of my coworkers.  Mostly though I was just so exhausted, and my headached, and people were fighting in the shelter.  I just could not stand the thought of having to go down into the drunk tank later that I went home.  Plus the enforcer was upset with me about something I chuckled at during shift change and was trying to pull some sort of explanation out of me, looking for my secret plot I guess, but I don't have one, REALLY, no secret plot.  

Anyway, I can already feel the tension building up in me, and I'm on the verge of tears, less then an hour till work.  I do NOT want to have take drugs to go to work, but one of those clonazepam I have sure seems like a good idea.  My doctor always says "take them, it's better to take them then not", but to tell you the truth I've taken maybe 7 since May when she prescribed them - up to two a day.  I like my Effexor, but for the most part clonazepam seems like a cop out.  The enforcer always goes on a rant about how people with mental health issues shouldn't work at our job, he's wrong, but if only he knew about my anxiety, what would he think of me then!?  

Giving myself some persective on the situation and looking at the big picture helps.  I only have two more days of this and in just over 3 weeks I'm going to visit best friend for a whole WEEK!  My job can be made hard by having something which is probably GAD but it's under control and I've worked hard at that, I CAN do my job, and I AM good at it.  While tonight seems hopeless there's a possibility of getting a better job on the other side of our building doing actual social work (not that what I do isn't social work, but it's more...traditional then watching drunk people sleep).  I'm going to apply for it as soon as it's posted, and since I know I was close last time, hopefully I get it this time!  Otherwise, I am probably leaving this job and this organization for somewhere more professional anyway.  

The truth is, I have it pretty good, but feeling crappy is okay.  I have a hard two nights ahead of me, and I'm tired.  It's okay to be tired.  I will do the best that I can do tonight and that's all that I can do.  I also won't eat pretzels, lol.  I'm going to put on clothes, start the car, gather my stuff, and I am going to go to work.  I am going to try and pay attention to the good things, and I am going to do this, one way or another, I'm going to do this.  

oh...and I'll have to feed the cat of course, not that she'd let me forget, she's staring at me as I type just waiting... 

what you do unto the least of these

There's a verse in the Bible which has been on my mind a lot lately. Jesus is telling a parable about the Kingdom of God and what things are going to be like in the end times. Jesus tells his followers, as recorded in the book of Matthew. In the story, the righteous are puzzled because Jesus thanks them for feeding him, clothing him, and taking care of him and they say they have never done this for him. He answers, "Truly I tell you, just as you did to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me".

I am so blessed to have a job in which I am able to provide things for people. I able to feed the hungry, give clothes to those who have none, shelter to those who are cold and give hope to those in pain. My job is awesome. The problem, of course, is that I cannot do this for everyone who needs it, or who wants it.

Saturday night I was shift manager which meant I had to spend the whole night in the shelter as well as answering phones and the window and such (no escaping to the drunk tank for me!) Thankfully I didn't have to kick anyone out, unfortunately I had to turn 20 people away at the door. That is the most people I have ever had to turn away in one night, and to say they were unhappy about it would be a HUGE understatement. I had to get the police to remove one of them because they were banging so hard on the window.

I found out that the shelter across the street was referring people to us even though I had told them already that we were full. I called and got lectured by them about how they don't accept intoxicated people so what else were they supposed to do (we accept people in any state of intoxication as long as they're not disruptive). I told them I didn't know, but they asked them to please stop sending us people we couldn't take. They called the police about a client, so then I had the police inside the shelter looking suspiciously at the empty mat of someone in the bathroom, so that they could put someone there the other shelter had kicked out. I had the hospital phoning getting upset when I couldn't take someone who was done in emergency - note, just because they use us as a mailing address does not mean there is a guaranteed mat for them, we are an emergency shelter.

I was able to get one person a ride home, and someone else a cab. Why would you want to sleep in a shelter if you have a home? In this case, they were too tired and drunk to want to walk there so thought they'd sleep it off on the province (we get some government funding for the shelter). So that's 2 out of 20, the police took the 1, and 2 others wound up in the drunk tank after they went back to the shelter who referred them to us and got annoying. So 5 out of 20. I have no idea what happened to the other 15.

We started taking turns turning people away, I couldn't take it anymore and neither could anyone else, because the same people kept coming back and just begging me to let them in, and I couldn't. We were already five over. And they screamed and pleaded as they stood outside shivering. Imagine being at the point where you have to beg and plead to come into a homeless shelter. If these aren't the least of these, I don't know who is.

Now rationally, I know that we have to set limits. I know that it would have been impossible for us to be 25 people over and that it would have created fights, chaos, and a standard we couldn't live up to in the future (people need to know that the full sign means full). I know that homelessness is a far larger systemic issue then I can tackle alone or quickly. I know that other people's housing crisis are not my crisis and I don't make them that no matter the guilt trips they use. I am not responsible for their shelter. They had plenty of time to look for a place to stay, it's been cold for months, 2AM is not the time to scream at me.

But then, as I stood in church singing Christmas carols it was like that verse was haunting me and I started cry. I really couldn't handle crying right then, so I bit my lips and quit the tears, but the verse was still there. "What you did for the least of these..." What did I do for the least of these? I turned them away to freeze in the snow. I shut the blinds so I didn't have to look them in the eye as they screamed at me and pounded on the window (this is a last resort for us, we really like to treat people as people, but once the screaming starts...) I told the least of these to go away, even though I used much nicer words.

I came home and cried. I think it's a good thing I have five days off.

overwhelmed - or something

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed these past few days. The enormity of the problems I see on a daily basis can be kind of consuming. For the most part, I'm quite good at maintaining a healthy distance, putting things in perspective and staying positive. This past week however there have been a few situations which have been hard and the mind numbing cold just doesn't help anything.

This week for the first time I found someone sleeping under a heating vent, by choice, not because they were passed out drunk. For some reason, this really touched me. When I asked them why they made that choice, they simply said they had no place to stay. Another person, in a doorway, refused even our offers of a blanket, let alone a warm place to stay. A man what I believe was an actual heart attack. I have a lot of people with chest pains, most of the time they beg for the ambulance. This man, clutching at his chest, gasping for breath, wanted no help at all (note, we called and he was taken to hospital). An unrousable man later told us he wished we had just let him die. And of course, the girls working the streets just keep getting younger and younger.

I am sick of fighting with the other shelters. The politics of homelessness are stupid and frustrating. I'm sick of watching my mouth and having my actions be dictated by our directive not to do anything to make the clients go to the media. Why, because they are, they're making good on their threats, and we can't afford the negative publicity. I'm sick of not being able to say what's really happening because we're not allowed to say negative things about the other shelters (although I do understand this). I'm sick of not having enough space for freezing people.

Working in the drunk tank is also difficult. Until you've done something like that, it's hard to explain. It's hard to explain the death threats, the law suit threats, and the constant insults. It's also hard to explain how it can break your heart to have to lock someone up and forceably hold them. On the flip side, it's also hard to explain what it's like to have to kick people out of a safe warm place because there are drunker people coming in.

Of course, my heart is not literally breaking, and for the most part I am able to put aside all this stuff and effectively do my job. I'm able to go about my everyday life and not think about this stuff. These past couple days though, it's just seemed a little much. Someone at church said I looked sad, and i just didn't know how to explain. There's just so much, so much I see, and sometimes it just gets to you, especially as my clients start to worry about Christmas. I'll go to work tonight, and I'll do my job with a smile, just like always. But inside, inside I'm a little sad tonight. Sad because a job like mine has to exist, and sad because its just seems like we're not doing enough. Sad because people are hurting, and there's only so much we can do to change that.

maybe I just need a good cry...

sometimes we get what we want (and realize we're not sure we want it)

So after a lot of heart searching a consulting with a couple colleagues I trust, I decided I would talk to my boss about what happened, and what's been going with, the enforcer. It was hard, harder then I thought it would be. I discovered there's a blank space in my memory of the event, which kind of freaks me out. I don't remember how it ended. I remember being in the corner being yelled at, and I remember being on the phone, getting ready to pick up donations. I don't remember getting up, or the argument stopping.

Anyway, my boss says we have to all get together and talk. Which is of course, what I expected. However, now that it's happening, I'm less then enthused. It doesn't help that I'm hearing from other staff that they've tried to deal with the enforcer and nothing has changed. All that will happen is my boss is going to try and make him listen to my side of things, and then make me listen to his. And I need to of course try and get through this without crying.

My boss basically said well, this is what the enforcer is like. Well, you know what, that doesn't make it right! I don't care if it's him being him. That's like when I got told "boys will be boys" when I was being bullied in middle school. The bullies aren't supposed to win. You know what it is though, is seniority with the union, management can't touch him unless they have an incredibly good reason. And if anything happens, it's going to be me who winds up having to change shifts, something I don't want to have to do.

I think the worst part of this is, we're not going to meet until next Tuesday morning (because of the weekend and the fact that the enforcer and I have only 3 days on together not 5 (I work his days off and he works mine). But, my boss is phoning him today to give him notice for the meeting. That means i have minimum three shifts (probably four) during which I have to work with him, knowing we have to do this later.

I'm going to be honest right now, I mean if I can't be honest in my blog, where can I be honest, and say that this is really upsetting me. And honestly, I'm upset and embarrassed that it's getting to me. I'm crying more, about other things too, I'm grumpy and cranky, I'm tired all the time, and going to work just isn't good anymore when I know he's going to be there. I have to deal with this one way or another, and I'm glad I spoke up, but wow, I feel like total crap. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of feeling like crap. I thought once all the changes in my life were done things would level off for me, but then this happens and things seem to get even worse. I will get through this, but what will it cost me verses what will I gain!?

confidentiality

Confidentiality. All through school I've had it drilled into me. Confidentiality, confidentiality, confidentiality. And when are the times you can break confidentiality?

- Threat of harm to self
- Threat of harm to others
- Abuse of a child

And that's it. You can't just go around breaking people's confidentiality for other reasons. This is where the enforcer and I disagree.

The situation is this. We have someone in detox who may know some more details about how a woman died (I wrote about her a few entries ago, she was found on the street, gone). It may be that someone pushed her down the steps. During his detox intake he disclosed it to the worker (we're called "crisis workers") who shared it in shift change.

Now the enforcer seems to think that we have a duty to report this to the police and I disagree. I say we have to respect people's confidentiality and that all we can do is encourage this person to report it.

Unfortunately, that is not what came out of my mouth though, and here's where I created my entire problem which lead to our entire fight, and I should have known better. I said something like, "as I social worker the only time I can break confidentiality is - see above". This is when the lecture started. The lecture about how I'm not a social worker I'm a crisis worker, and I can't say I'm a social worker while I'm working because I'm not. I say I'm I social worker wherever I am. That I am a registered social worker and breaking people's confidentiality like that could make me lose my registration with my professional institute.

The enforcer starts getting really mad, tells me that it doesn't matter. That I have to follow agency policy, which is to report things (since when?), and that I'll be prosecuted if I don't. He has me cornered, yelling at me, and my supervisor (who I love) jumps into it too, telling me I'm not a social worker there and I have to follow policy. The enforcer won't let me speak, keeps telling me I'm interrupting, so I let him have his thing. Then when I want to have a turn, he won't let me speak, and goes on about how hard I am to work with. This is when I exit to go the bathroom and cry.

When I'm semi calmed down, I go back upstairs and say "Okay, I'm taking into consideration what you said, I'll talk to our boss and my professional institute and work this out. I'm new at this whole social work thing, and still have a lot to work out". I go about my work, getting on my knees to fill up some sugar. The enforcer stands over and yells some more. I keep crying and remind him "I don't want to talk about it". "Why would you want to talk to our boss, don't talk to him". I tell the enforcer that if that's the policy I'll quit, because one job is not worth losing my registration over, and then the enforcer, my supervisor and I get into it again. I'm basically ready to quit my job on the spot, except it still seems like a really far fetched policy, and well, I like my job. a lot. So I leave. But just to go pick up some donations. It takes me an hour of driving, a clonazepam (klonopin) and some yoga breathing in a random parking lot, but by the time I come back, I'm actually mostly calmed down.

In the morning, I talk to my boss about it, first thing. Not the fight exactly, just what the policy is. Turns out, the policy is exactly what I wrote at the very beginning. My boss says "we're not the justice system, we'll never have any trust with these clients if we tried to be". So I was right, but it really doesn't feel very good at all, and I'm not planning on telling the enforcer that, why bother. I want to sit down with him and talk it out, but I don't think it's going to happen, at least not yet.

A collegue got to work the next day and already knew about our fight, how, they'd run into each other and the enforcer mentioned "I made still dreaming cry last night". Oh, so this is a point of bragging now? If I didn't love my job...

tear off a piece of me

I got in a huge fight with the enforcer today. The kind where I wound up running to the bathroom and crying. NOT a good thing. I'm not sure I'm ready to write about it, although I will. I had so many posts planned out in my head, but now I'm just not sure. I'm not even really sure what happened, or if either of us was actually right. I'm really upset though, and really not sure how I'm going to keep working with him. Apparently I'm "hard to work with".

Client Counting aka the awkwardness of the er.

So, one of the annoying things about hanging out in the emergency room of my nearest hospital happens to be the number of clients I see there. I decided to play the client counting game, but really, I was too tired. I saw at least two that I know quite well though, and then a bunch who I know, but don't really know and hopefully wouldn't recognize me. Fine, whatever.

The awkwardness though. I'm sitting in the er by myself crying because I felt so sick (note, I feel MUCH better now, it's 4AM and I'm awake, but I've slept for like 14 hours). One of my higher functioning clients comes over and tries to comfort me. This is definitely an awkward situation. I mean, I like the guy, and if it wasn't for the fact that he was my client (addiction related) I could totally be friends with him, he's my age, and quite nice. But still. Here's me, sitting in the er, crying and sick with said client, whose just in for some tests or something, comforting me.

I suppose next time I should probably go to a different er if I want to avoid situations like this. I knew which one I was choosing, but it was the closest and since I was so nauseous I didn't want to go for a long drive. In retrospect, I don't think it will hurt my professional relationship too greatly with this particular client because we don't have a lot to do with each other now that he's in transitional housing, but yeah, it just felt kind of awkward, but I was so sick, that I couldn't do anything about it.

It starts tomorrow

Here is goes, this social worker is stepping out, jumping in and hopefully not falling to hard when I hit the real world. Tomorrow I start a job at a homeless shelter, drop in, detox and intoxicated persons detention area. While it's not a "real" social work job, it's a start, and it's where my passions are.

I'm nervous. I got in a fight with my best friend this weekend, caused mostly by me, and I feel sort of like my heart is breaking in two. I wouldn't call it the best way to graduate or enter the workforce. Words hurt, even when you realize the next day that you don't really mean them. I've been crying on and off since Friday night, so I'm really hoping I can keep it together for tomorrow.

I can do this, right?