awkward questions/compliments

Something I talk about in the classes I teach on Assertiveness, Self Esteem and Criticism, is that a lot of people have a hard time accepting compliments. So often in life, we are unable to take compliments at face value, and we have a hard time accepting them as positive. Sometimes it is because we are wondering about a hidden motive, what does this person want? Why are they being nice to me? Other times, it is because we don't believe it ourselves, when we feel badly about ourselves, it's hard to imagine that others don't feel similarly. I'm sure the following conversation is fairly normal in your life as well.

"Nice outfit today!"

"Oh, this old thing, I found it in the back of my closet"

"You did a good job on that project!"

"(list of all the things that went wrong on the project)"

Because I am constantly teaching this, I've tried really hard to work on it myself, and I really think I've improved at taking compliments, except about one issue. See, here's the thing, in January, I did a detox at yoga, and after that, my naturopath put me on an asthma nutrition plan which cut out eggs, wheat, dairy, chocolate, wine and beer. So, since January, I've lost more than 40lbs. I am still not even half way to being a "healthy" weight for my height, but it's a big change, and it's quite noticeable now. I have a really hard time with this. Part of the problem is that I was happy with my body the way it was before, and I'm happy with my body the way it is now. I'm enjoying the weight loss because it's been good for my yoga practice, and I'm almost out of plus sizes so the thrift store will have more clothes that fit me... oh, and towels wrap around me better! I am not, however, obsessed with the weight loss. I stick with the eating plan because it has helped my asthma A LOT. I've cut back a huge amount on the inhaled steroids, from two puffs, twice a day to one, once a day, and the only time I have asthma symptoms is when I eat things that aren't on the plan, (like the s'mores last weekend!)

How does this relate to compliments? Well, I've started getting a lot of "compliments" on my weight loss. And I'm really having a hard time with it. I've been trying to get to the root of why, but I'm having a difficult time analyzing it. Part of it, I think, is that it seems too personal, but my body is something the world sees everyday, of course my coworkers and friends will notice the change in size. If I get a new hair cut, or new makeup, they notice, why wouldn't they notice this. Then there is a part of me that feels that I don't deserve the compliment, that I haven't done this to lose weight, that I'm not cutting calories that much (I eat a lot of tortilla chips and jelly bellies). The simple fact is, that with cutting out eggs, wheat and dairy, and continuing with my yoga classes, I must be eating less than I put out. I've had to eliminate frozen pizza and ice cream and lean cusine frozen dinners from my daily eating, and it makes a big difference. I also had to stop eating most desserts and snack food. So, I feel like I'm not putting nearly as much effort into this, in a direct way, as all the times I did try and lose weight and failed.

So really, I think the issues comes down to the weight. I don't like that the focus is on weight. I don't like that it's something we compliment people on, and yet in some ways, I think we should? I have a lot of thoughts about it, and I'm having a hard time getting them out. On the no side, as in no, we shouldn't compliment people about their weight loss, my thoughts are as follows.

- Self Esteem and Self Worth should not come from physical image or outside things. Giving compliments about this does not promote internal factors.

- My sister has an eating disorder, as do many, many others, and this is a huge trigger thing.

Then there's my thoughts on the we should compliment people side of things.

- Science has shown us over and over that obesity is rampant, and a huge cause of health programs, should we not applaud people's efforts to be healthy?

- (This goes with the one above, I suppose) if someone were to quit smoking, we would applaud it, if they were to quit drinking, we'd compliment them, why wouldn't we do the same to weight loss?

I think what it comes down to, is who the compliments come from, and how their phrased, at least in my book. For example, when my supervisor compliments me, she says things like "you've really changed a lot of your habits" and she encourages me in my healthy eating. When her supervisor compliments me, she says things like "you're a lot smaller, have you lost weight?" I find the questions harder than the compliments, I suppose. People telling me I look good, I don't seem to mind nearly as much as people telling me I look good I because I've lost weight, or that the weight loss looks good. I have a really hard time with those, and I question, did I look that bad before? I was okay how I looked then to! (I also really hate it when anyone calls me a skinny minny, or really, when anyone uses the word "skinny".

I suppose, this has no conclusion. I haven't answered any of my questions. I still don't know whether it's good or bad to compliment someone on their weight loss (thankfully I'm so oblivious I never notice when someone loses or gains weight, so that part of things is not an issue for me), and I still don't know why it bothers me so much when people compliment me on my weight loss. Thoughts for another day, I suppose.

The frustrations of a time limited program

I work in a program which is supposed to be a one year employment program for adults with mental health concerns. It's a great program and I have a great job. The one thing that frustrates me is that because of the way we're funded, it's only supposed to be a year.

In one sense, the limited nature of the funding means that we are constantly pushing ourselves to work hard as our contract gets renewed at the end of each year based on the fact that a certain percentage of our clients find employment. Unfortunately, our funding is not based on a percentage of our clients maintaining employment or finding the job that works for them.

Our program starts with four weeks of preemployment workshops/groups/classes, whatever you want to call them. They're half day and are supposed to help people get back in the routine of working. They're quite structured and we take attendance and have small homework expectations, mostly reflections. We cover things like stress management, assertiveness, problem solving, cover letters, interviews etc... It's great. The problem is though, that sometimes after the workshops there's a big let down and/or clients discover they aren't quite ready to commit to looking for work. They need more TIME.

Then there's the mental illness factor. I don't know about most people, but at least with my anxiety, while there are some patterns to it, there are also times I really don't see it coming. The same is true for my clients, and often what is needed is more TIME to stabilize. Unfortunately, the lack of stability often sees us discharging clients when perhaps the routine and support of our program is what they need the most.

And finally, for today at least. There's the employment support factor. We provide people with an employment support counsellor to help them keep their jobs. But lots of times issues don't surface in the first three or six months of a job, they come a bit later. Or people lose one job, get another, and don't have much time to work with employment support to plan how to not lose their current job.

This isn't the world's most coherent post, but I really wanted to get back to posting about social work, and this is a start!

dumped on the door step

The other night a taxi stopped in front of the shelter.  This isn't all that unusual as people are always calling to get picked up from the drunk tank.  In this case though, the taxi was dropping someone off... I guessed almost immediatly what had happened, and I was right on the mark. 

We have a relationship with the downtown hospitals.  They'll call us and we'll send someone out in the van to pick up clients and drive them home or to the shelter.  They understand, for the most part, that we fill up, and with the exception of the brand new staff, understand that the shelter does not have any reserved beds even if a patient has given us as their address.  We will work with the hospital to try and find that person a place to go, and if worst comes to worst, they'll let the client spend the rest of the night in their waiting room and we'll pick them up in the morning in time for coffee.  It's not an ideal arrangement, but it works for the most part.  

Unfortunately, because of the way the hospital is divided, our shelter actually falls in the catchment zone for one of the suburban hospitals...how, I don't know, but it does.  This means, that when an ambulance picks up one of our clients from the shelter or surronding area, they generally wind up almost on the edge of the city, outside of our driving boundaries, and if the buses have stopped running for the night, with no way to get back downtown.  This particular hospital has somewhat of a relationship with us, simply by default, but not in the same way as the others.  And so, when that cab pulled up, I just knew it was going to be a person dump.  

And so, an old lady wound up on my steps, in the winter, with no jacket, no way to get anywhere, and our shelter was full.  Even though I'd turned away numerous people that night, I let her in, because really, what was I to do, the cab had driven away, and she wasn't one of our regulars who I knew could be "street smart".  It turned out, she had a house, but didn't have keys and so had no way to get in.  The hospital had given her a cab voucher to get to us, and assumed that we'd take care of the situation for them...how nice of them.  

I was pissed off.  SO, I did something I rarely do, I called up the hospital, and politely, gave them a piece of my mind...I think may have scared the poor girl in the ER, not something I'm proud of.  See the thing is, I can totally empathize with them.  This woman is a frequent flier, and there was nothing medically wrong with her.  Brought in by ambulance, she presented without her jacket and keys.  The hospital would have given her cab fare home, but despite repeated calls to her land lord, she had no way to get inside, and they were unable to reach anyone else for her to stay with.  They then sent her to the homeless shelter, thinking we could give her a place and help her out in the morning.  She also contributed to the situation by lying and saying she was a regular of ours when in truth, she was brand new and had no idea what she was getting herself into.  

I explained to the hospital that we need them to PHONE first before sending us something.  That maybe together we could work out a plan.  I explained that we fill up quickly at night and so unless they call first there is no gaurantee that a person is going to get in.  I talked to two different people, and I think I got my point across.  What I really wanted to say though was "dumping people on the doorstep of a shelter is NOT okay".  I really felt for this woman even though her lifestyle is likely what caused this situation in the first place.  And despite being medically cleared, she really did not look healthy.  

The thing is, hospitals are not homeless shelters.  They aren't set up to house clients because they have no place else to go.  The emergency room is not set up, nor should it have to be, to deal with people like this woman who present over and over and over and over and over.  I'm not sure what the answer is though.  Obviously we need some sort of a different system.  Personally, I think perhaps a lock smith might be a good assest to our emergency system.  I can't tell you how many people we house when they get locked out for the night.  Makes me double check my spare set of house keys everytime.  

Situational Ethics: A Case Study

Jared is a man whose burned a lot of bridges, and when I say a lot of bridges, I mean it.  Jared is not welcome, ever, at any of the other shelters in town, and has been permanently restricted from many of the hotels, medical clinics and rooming houses along the strip.  There are not a lot of places left where Jared is able to go.  He’s been given a lot of chances, but this physically disabled man has done A LOT of horrible things in his life, and he’s not even all that old.  I mean, it takes soooo much to get yourself a lifetime ban from our services, and he did it. 

 

Of course, it is always possible to appeal your ban, and so with the help of a hospital social worker, he did just that.  See the thing is, when Jared isn’t drinking, or sniffing, or smoking crack or taking whatever the substance of the day is, he’s a nice guy!  However, he’s one of the very few clients I am actually afraid of, very afraid of.  See the thing is, staff have seen Jared sexually assault another client...but, since she didn’t press charges...

So, Jared’s back in.  He uses our services just like any other client and gets the same punishments for drinking/using in the shelter as every other client, 24 hrs out.  What happens when Jared sexually assaults another client, this time in the shelter, in front of witnesses and under a camera?  What happens when the police say there’s not enough evidence despite the camera?  There’s no charges, what do we do with Jared then? 

 

Personally, I want to see Jared out.  Out. Out. Out. Out. Out.  But, as I said before, I’m scared of him, and I like to defend the little guy.  Management doesn’t agree with me.  Management wants him to sober up.  See, the night of the assault, Jared spent the night on the street in frigid temperatures.  He begged ambulances to take him to the hospital, he tried to assault police so that he could get thrown in jail.  But no one would do anything for him.  By morning, Jared was a freezing cold, sober, sad person who begged my coworker to let him back in, just to warm up... and how could we not?  And then, then he said he didn’t remember a thing.  He claimed to have to memory at all of anything until sometime in the middle of the night when we wouldn’t let him in (looking at this, even my language shows my bias). 

 

So, what do you do in a situation like this?  Because it is situational... if it was summer, or if he wasn’t disabled, or if he wasn’t kicked out of everywhere else, or if he acknowledged wrong doing, or if there was better evidence, or if there were charges, or if, or if, or if...

 

Living on the streets is not easy, it’s really not... 

what you do unto the least of these

There's a verse in the Bible which has been on my mind a lot lately. Jesus is telling a parable about the Kingdom of God and what things are going to be like in the end times. Jesus tells his followers, as recorded in the book of Matthew. In the story, the righteous are puzzled because Jesus thanks them for feeding him, clothing him, and taking care of him and they say they have never done this for him. He answers, "Truly I tell you, just as you did to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me".

I am so blessed to have a job in which I am able to provide things for people. I able to feed the hungry, give clothes to those who have none, shelter to those who are cold and give hope to those in pain. My job is awesome. The problem, of course, is that I cannot do this for everyone who needs it, or who wants it.

Saturday night I was shift manager which meant I had to spend the whole night in the shelter as well as answering phones and the window and such (no escaping to the drunk tank for me!) Thankfully I didn't have to kick anyone out, unfortunately I had to turn 20 people away at the door. That is the most people I have ever had to turn away in one night, and to say they were unhappy about it would be a HUGE understatement. I had to get the police to remove one of them because they were banging so hard on the window.

I found out that the shelter across the street was referring people to us even though I had told them already that we were full. I called and got lectured by them about how they don't accept intoxicated people so what else were they supposed to do (we accept people in any state of intoxication as long as they're not disruptive). I told them I didn't know, but they asked them to please stop sending us people we couldn't take. They called the police about a client, so then I had the police inside the shelter looking suspiciously at the empty mat of someone in the bathroom, so that they could put someone there the other shelter had kicked out. I had the hospital phoning getting upset when I couldn't take someone who was done in emergency - note, just because they use us as a mailing address does not mean there is a guaranteed mat for them, we are an emergency shelter.

I was able to get one person a ride home, and someone else a cab. Why would you want to sleep in a shelter if you have a home? In this case, they were too tired and drunk to want to walk there so thought they'd sleep it off on the province (we get some government funding for the shelter). So that's 2 out of 20, the police took the 1, and 2 others wound up in the drunk tank after they went back to the shelter who referred them to us and got annoying. So 5 out of 20. I have no idea what happened to the other 15.

We started taking turns turning people away, I couldn't take it anymore and neither could anyone else, because the same people kept coming back and just begging me to let them in, and I couldn't. We were already five over. And they screamed and pleaded as they stood outside shivering. Imagine being at the point where you have to beg and plead to come into a homeless shelter. If these aren't the least of these, I don't know who is.

Now rationally, I know that we have to set limits. I know that it would have been impossible for us to be 25 people over and that it would have created fights, chaos, and a standard we couldn't live up to in the future (people need to know that the full sign means full). I know that homelessness is a far larger systemic issue then I can tackle alone or quickly. I know that other people's housing crisis are not my crisis and I don't make them that no matter the guilt trips they use. I am not responsible for their shelter. They had plenty of time to look for a place to stay, it's been cold for months, 2AM is not the time to scream at me.

But then, as I stood in church singing Christmas carols it was like that verse was haunting me and I started cry. I really couldn't handle crying right then, so I bit my lips and quit the tears, but the verse was still there. "What you did for the least of these..." What did I do for the least of these? I turned them away to freeze in the snow. I shut the blinds so I didn't have to look them in the eye as they screamed at me and pounded on the window (this is a last resort for us, we really like to treat people as people, but once the screaming starts...) I told the least of these to go away, even though I used much nicer words.

I came home and cried. I think it's a good thing I have five days off.

when bennie won't bathe

I’m getting sick of smelly people, and especially sick of the smell of urine soaked people after they’ve been drinking mouthwash (but that’s just a personal thing). In the spirit of change however, I’ve decided that instead of just whining about it, I need to do something about it. Whether or not my approach has been empowering however is up for debate.

In example one is the story of Adam who we met last entry. We gave him a wash cloth to sponge off and some clean clothes. While his clothes were no longer smelly, he really hadn’t got all that clean.

The next example is Ben. Ben also left the drunk tank covered in urine. In his case, I decided to point this out to him. We have a good relationship, so a gentle, "Ben, you're starting to smell, if I find you some clean clothes will you have a shower"? seemed like a good approach. And it was... in some ways. Ben and I spent time talking about how his life had gone down hill with is recent episodes of binge drinking and how he used to be so well dressed all the time. I consulted with him about the clothes I was picking and even found him a nice new winter jacket. Ben promised me that when he came inside for coffee he would collect his stuff and have a shower. The problem is, Ben never followed through, and he's out their somewhere, likely in the same dirty clothes.

And then, there's Chris. Chris is my one "success" story. With Chris, I was simply very directive. We again have a good relationship built and it's okay for me to do this. Besides that, I would listen if the client said absolutely not. Basically, when I opened his drunk tank cell I had already gathered all the shower stuff needed and simply walked him upstairs and into the shower. "Chris, it's time for a shower, I've got some clean clothes for you, just follow me upstairs and I'll open it for you". Once at the shower, I gave instructions to wash hair and body, brush teeth and comb hair, as well as to throw out the old clothes as they smelled. Chris, had a shower (Chris also invited me to come have a shower with him).

See the thing is though, I'm not usually so directive, but sometimes it gets to a point... Further, there's the fact that enforcer was totally on board with my plan which makes me wonder, just cause we don't normally agree... I guess it's not something I would do often, but I think almost all of us at work have done it. Sometimes people just really need a bath... or do they?

sometimes we get what we want (and realize we're not sure we want it)

So after a lot of heart searching a consulting with a couple colleagues I trust, I decided I would talk to my boss about what happened, and what's been going with, the enforcer. It was hard, harder then I thought it would be. I discovered there's a blank space in my memory of the event, which kind of freaks me out. I don't remember how it ended. I remember being in the corner being yelled at, and I remember being on the phone, getting ready to pick up donations. I don't remember getting up, or the argument stopping.

Anyway, my boss says we have to all get together and talk. Which is of course, what I expected. However, now that it's happening, I'm less then enthused. It doesn't help that I'm hearing from other staff that they've tried to deal with the enforcer and nothing has changed. All that will happen is my boss is going to try and make him listen to my side of things, and then make me listen to his. And I need to of course try and get through this without crying.

My boss basically said well, this is what the enforcer is like. Well, you know what, that doesn't make it right! I don't care if it's him being him. That's like when I got told "boys will be boys" when I was being bullied in middle school. The bullies aren't supposed to win. You know what it is though, is seniority with the union, management can't touch him unless they have an incredibly good reason. And if anything happens, it's going to be me who winds up having to change shifts, something I don't want to have to do.

I think the worst part of this is, we're not going to meet until next Tuesday morning (because of the weekend and the fact that the enforcer and I have only 3 days on together not 5 (I work his days off and he works mine). But, my boss is phoning him today to give him notice for the meeting. That means i have minimum three shifts (probably four) during which I have to work with him, knowing we have to do this later.

I'm going to be honest right now, I mean if I can't be honest in my blog, where can I be honest, and say that this is really upsetting me. And honestly, I'm upset and embarrassed that it's getting to me. I'm crying more, about other things too, I'm grumpy and cranky, I'm tired all the time, and going to work just isn't good anymore when I know he's going to be there. I have to deal with this one way or another, and I'm glad I spoke up, but wow, I feel like total crap. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of feeling like crap. I thought once all the changes in my life were done things would level off for me, but then this happens and things seem to get even worse. I will get through this, but what will it cost me verses what will I gain!?

purging - the good kind

Along with packing, comes purging; it's awesome. I'm getting rid of SO MUCH STUFF. Because I'm not in a huge hurry, I'm being picky about what goes where, but I'm definitely, definitely cutting back. I can't even begin to explain how good it feels. You probably don't care about this, but it's my life right now.

For starters, there's the stuff I'm giving to work. That's old summer clothes, some winter jackets for the basement, a bunch of socks (more on that later), practical stuff. Then, there's the stuff for the thrift store. Things: spare christmas stocking, cassette tapes etc... I'm also giving them some of my less practical clothes like a fancy dress I wore to my grade 10 Christmas banquet back when I still did gymnastics and was about 10 sizes smaller. Then there's the recycling, and finally, the garbage. And it's sickening how much garbage roommate and I are finding. She's contributing to all the other piles too of course.

Our caretaker informed me today that as our "decision" to move out or not must be made tomorrow, she is starting showing our apartment on Friday. Thankfully roommate and I had today off (a rare thing to occur at the same time) and were already cleaning when I found this news out. We are SO not impressed. Our apartment = disaster zone. Seriously, it's like something exploded. The purging helps with the cleaning. If it's gone, I don't have to clean it, pack it, or find a place for it. And it just feels SO good.

I even managed to get rid of a garbage bag and a half of stuffed animals. Half are going to the thrift store, the other half to the garbage can. This was a big step for me. I've sort of been clinging to those. Of course, I still have quite a few, but it's a start.

The plan for tomorrow is that I'm going to sleep ALL day (I start nights tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!). Roommate will wake me up when she comes home, and we'll get chinese food and CLEAN! Half the thrift store stuff is already in the car, and she can help me car the rest of the work and thrift store stuff. Even if I don't drop it off till Friday, at least it won't be in the house anymore!!!

I haven't even started on the storage locker yet....

i love to do the dishes, now that spring is here

I'm not sure where to start, I've had a busy three days. Friday's season finale watching seems very long away.

Street Ministry Friday night was very tiring. I found out someone I love is sick, and that's a bad way to start off any night.

It was a very busy night. One of the other places in the area has stopped serving Friday dinner and so we are busier then usual. We also didn't have a youth group or anyone in, so we had to do it all ourselves. That being said, we had some GREAT volunteers.

One of the participants in the adult day program for adults with mental disabilities came in to help wash dishes. It was interesting for me to work to find a balance between empowerment and practicality. I was sick, and so I volunteered to only touch dirty dishes...nothing clean. And we had two hundred people's worth of dirty dishes for me to touch!!!

The person washing dishes was awesome but slow. They're great at washing dishes, they know how, they understand how to work our awesome conveyor belt dishwasher. They're also not used to the complete and totally chaos that Friday nights can be...and I'm bad at letting things pile up. But, we slogged through it and finished just in the time for the coffee shops to be closed so I couldn't buy coffee before work. Oh well. Such is life!

I didn't really talk to any guests Friday night because of the infection. I figured it was probably better to stay away from them as much as possible and save my voice for work that night anyway. It was kind of sad, but again, such is life. I really don't mind being in the kitchen even though I was COMPLETELY covered in crap and water. Sigh...scraping dishes with my hands...the things I do.

necessary evils

This afternoon I took a trip to the dentist, or well, to the hygienist at least, I just needed a cleaning, not a check up.

While I'm not afraid of dentists, and generally value keeping my teeth in good health, I still don't find the dentist a pleasant experience. No matter how gentle they are, it HURTS! I really don't like having my gums poked at with sharp, pointy, little objects! And today, my hygienist decided it would be a good day to measure my gums. She used something she claimed was a round ruler...I think however that basically what she did was poke my gums and then check for bleeding. Apparently this shows if I have gum disease or not. A great thing to know, but apparently painful to find out.

Then of course came the necessary does of fluoride. This time round I choose vanilla-orange. It's supposed to taste like a creamsicle. Honestly, it wasn't bad though, so I shouldn't complain. My teeth still feel all grainy from the polishing though. I hate that feeling...it makes me gag.

End whine... I'm going back to sleep.