Projection aka The Sophie Cat WILL be lonely for me while I'm away

According to wikipedia (such a reliable source I know) Freud says that "projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one 'projects' one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires and feelings onto someone else". In my work, I see projection a lot, however I haven't really been thinking about it a lot in terms of myself, and certainly not in terms of my relationship with Sophie Cat! Today I went to see my counsellor, who I see about once every five weeks or so, just to check in, and she pointed out to me that I seemed to be placing a lot of care and concern on what Sophie Cat might be feeling about life events worry about how they might affect her, without really being able to clearly articulate that I might be having similar feelings.

Monday, I got the keys to my new house. My new roommate and her cat move in on Thursday, and the cats and I move in next Wednesday. Then the last two weeks of September, I am going on a vacation with my dad and leaving my cats with my roommate to look after. Naturally, I expect that Sophie Cat is going to hate this. That she's going to have anxiety, that's she's going to be stressed, that she's going to pine for me. I worry that she'll get sick, or stop eating, or go back to her old evil, angry and hissing self. I worry that she'll hate the new cat and that things won't work out. I worry that she'll miss me terribly. And while these concerns are semi realistic (cats don't like change, especially Sophie Cat, there may also be some projection going on here).

Perhaps, I'm a bit nervous about not liking my roommate, just as I'm worried that Sophie will hate the new cat. Perhaps I'm a lot worried about getting homesick for my house and my cats, just like I'm worried Sophie won't like the new set up. Perhaps I'm worried that with my limited diet I won't be able to find food I can eat. And I'm sure there's some part of me that worries about what it will be like spending two weeks with my father. (I probably won't start hissing any more than I already do though...)

So these week, I plan to spend more time paying attention to projection. Not just what I'm projecting onto the cat, but what I'm projecting on to other people. I think it's an important thing to look at, particularly with clients, but in my personal life as well. It will be interesting to look at, and see if I notice anything. Also, I think I'll pay a little extra attention to my Sophie Cat. For both ours sakes!

last day of holiday

I feel like I need another holiday. I feel like I need a holiday where mom is NOT in the hospital for all but one day of it. I need a holiday where I can do yoga twice a day instead of managing to squeeze in a class almost every day, but it was tight.

Mom is in the hospital till at least Monday. They still do not know where the fluid in her chest is coming from, and they do not feel that she is responding to the chemo the way she should be...at all. In fact, they feel she really isn't responding.

On the good side of things though, because I do like to find that balance, I've had some good hangouts with friends this week. I got a queen sized bed for the cats and I. SO much more room then my twin/single bed. SO much less cat in my space! I did do yoga almost every other day and had some really good practices. AND, I fixed/repotted all my plants today.

holiday day three

So, I've been on holidays for three days now. Well, holidays from my day job, I'm still picking up shifts at the shelter. Monday I worked at the shelter, did yoga, slept. Tuesday I did yoga, drove the United States to shop, slept. Today I visited mom in the hospital, will do yoga, will sleep. Hopefully I'll see a friend sometime because tomorrow is hospital, yoga, work at the shelter, sleep.

Mom is back in the hospital again, this time with a pleural effusion (fluid in the cavity around her lungs). They've already taken off two litres of it and hope to pull more of this afternoon. We don't know when she'll get out yet, maybe not till Saturday but maybe as soon as tomorrow afternoon.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how much I should visit. I suppose the easiest answer would be to ask my mom, but I'm not so sure I'd like the answer. I don't want to hear something like "as much as you can". That being said, I also don't want to hear something like "well, i know you're busy, so don't worry if you're not here a lot". I'd love to hear something simple like, "well, if you could come an hour each day that would be lovely". However, this is her cancer, not mine and I need to remember that.

I also need to figure out how to better communicate with my dad and my sister but that's a different post.

Vacation is going amazingly well. I'm hanging out with this fine canine named Apocalypse. He's pretty awesome, but VERY hard to get a picture of as he doesn't hold still long enough.

As I mentioned in a previous post a couple months ago, my vacation is with someone I met on the internet, a fact which concerned some of my friends, but it's turned out wonderfully. At least for me, I hope she feels the same way! I've known my movie loving friend online for 5 years now and I've been planning this trip for many of them. It feels so great to finally just get to hang out in the same room, even if all we're doing is reading/reading the internet.

Vacation has been so relaxing, and I still have 2 full days left! Today we went to take in some tourist sites, but for the most part we haven't been doing much of anything, something I've been greatly enjoying. We've been to mass, church, small group and movie discussion group. Watched movies and played boardgames with her roommates. I lost horribly at the game of life tonight, but really had quite a good time of it. If you ask me, I should have won, however the money didn't agree.

I hope all of you are doing well and have fun vacations to look back on/look forward too!

Vacation

I'm on vacation right now and it's wonderful! I took that picture on Friday. My friend and I sat on some rocks and just "were". It was amazing. I am soooo relaxed, and I'm finally getting healthy too. It turned out I was quite anemic, which was definitely the cause of my lack of energy and depression. I've been taking double the usual amount of iron and despite the stomach ache, I feel SO much better. Vacation is wonderful. Friends are wonderful. Walking on hills, definitely not so wonderful, but still, in this gorgeous place, it's okay.

mindlessness perhaps the opposite of mindfullness

I had an awesome day today.

Starbucks, pick up people for church.

I lead the service a church this morning (sermon and all) and I didn't die during the children's story. Children's stories are NOT my forte.

After church I drove people home and then began watching Grey's Anatomy.

Lunch with bestest bud at Olive Garden (Soup, Salad, and Bread sticks).

The a quick bit of shopping with bestest bud including a pair of yoga pants to wear during movie watching marathons while on vacation, which coincidently, commences in 11 days.

The home to watch the rest of Grey's, hug the cats, check out this new NCIS: Los Angelos thing and start to get caught up on my CSI:NY watching. I haven't finished last season on that one yet.

And so, now I'm heading to be early. all in all. a wonderful day.

duldrums

If you ask me, there's always a let down when you come back from vacation.  Sometimes I'm home sick, but not this time.  This time I just wanted my holiday to go on forever.  I missed Sophie cat, and my church, but really, I was soooooo happy to be away from everything.  

I'm full of feelings today.  I go back to work in 12 minutes or so, or well, that's when I need to get off the couch and start the car, but I'm just not sure I'm ready.  I feel like I could sit here, on this couch, for a few days longer and be quite content.  The thing about being full of feelings, is that I'm having a hard time naming them/identifying them.  I just feel... heavy.  

My therapist used to try and get me to figure out where I was feeling things in my body, we did tons of Internal Family Systems work (IFS) and it was incredibly frustrating to me.  I just was NOT that in touch with myself.  The rest of IFS was awesome and really changed me, but finding things in my body... well, if I had to find things in my body today, I'd say I felt all this in my head.  Maybe it's a sign I'm getting a sinus infection or ear infections, but I don't know.  I just know that I feel heavy and my head feels heavy and full.  

I kind of feel like this is a time when I should be reaching out to my support systems, but I'm not sure what I would say.  There's nothing actually wrong, I just know something's not right.  I think part of me is also hoping that once I get back to work and see my clients and catch up on things it will be better as well.  Maybe once I have a cup of coffee??  

(ps. that's me up there)

update

I'm tired.  I'm going on vacation in two (2) count them TWO days!!!  I can't wait.  I also have good library books, and new shoes.  Things are looking up.  I have many real things to post about, but right now the idea of actually writing something seems rather daunting.  Instead, I'm trying to get my house cleaned up for bestest bud who'll be looking after the grumpy mass of fat and fur pictured above and get packed for my visit to best friend.  Just two more shifts and I'm THERE!!!  

I'll fly away

I need a holiday SO badly. I need to see best friend. I need to get away from this city, this snow and all the homelessness. I just need a break. A break where I don't have to clean my house, drive my car and worry about stuff. I've requested a week off, between banked stats, banked over time and my normal days off I should be able to make it work and off I'll fly! There are snow plows on my front street right now. They are LOUD, but it's okay, because I'm off today... thank goodness.

I just haven't been feeling my best lately, although I certainly have my good times. Things at work are frustrating, but I'm doing my best. My words just don't seem to be coming out properly (thus the lack of blog posts). I've been to a lot of yoga though, which has definitely been good. And hot yoga is just so WARM in this deep freeze! Today I went for a walk in the SUN which I'm sure was amazing for my health as well as just cheering me up in general. I of course ran into clients, as I walked to the library downtown, but they were nice clients so it was all good.

I went to a really great Bible study tonight. We're looking at the book of Revelation, which is of course a really hard book with many many opinions and interpretations, but the first one was definitely good. Last time we did the book of John which was a lot more straightforward, and that's saying something as John is probably the least straightforward of the gospels.

I also went grocery shopping tonight (you know when I started this blog I vowed I'd write about more interesting stuff then my grocery shopping). I tried to buy lots of iron rich foods, but it would be so much easier if I LIKED red meat instead of having to force myself to eat it. It's really nice having food in the freezer though, comforting.

Tonight I plan on blogging and reading fiction. It's going to be awesome!

"holiday's" over

My holiday is almost over. I go back to work tomorrow night (or well, I guess it's tonight seeing as I'm writing this after midnight). I'm in the process of staying up late so that I can sleep all day. For some reason, it's working! Having five days off has been AMAZING! And just the right length too. I'm missing work. I'm missing being around my coworkers and I'm missing my clients as well. I also just miss being around people, but that's what happens when you're an extrovert.

My holiday however has been productive. I've managed to hang out with most of the people I wanted to hang out with, including all three members of my immediate family (and not even all at once). I had a good friend over to watch girly movies and eat pizza on new years eve, and bestest bud came over today to watch another movie and drink hot chocolate. I've gone to yoga, gone on a swing, had lots of starbucks, and cleaned my house (with the exception of my bedroom). I washed all the dishes and did most of the laundry. I snuggled with the sophie cat and read books I wanted to read. I hung out with roommate, who's back from grad school and went out for cofee with a girl from the church. To put it quickly. It's been fun. The one thing I miss is best friend, and I'm really hoping I'll get to fly across the country and visit her soon.

I'm actually rather proud of myself. I'm not good at holidays. I am always happy for about the first day. Sometimes not even that long, and then I start going CRAZY! One thing that really helped was having a car, because it gave me an easy way to go places in the cold, cold, snowy weather and enabled me to pick up people to hang out with. Another thing that helped was yoga, because it gave me a reason to get out of the house, it took up time, and it tired me out (and of course yoga just feels awesome anyway). I still had my moments where things just seemed impossible, but I got through it. I also think this is a sign that I'm more okay with being with myself then I would have been even at the start of the summer or when I first moved into my very own place. That makes me happy too.

In conclusion, it's back to the drunk tank tomorrow! Back to the death threats, back to the name calling, back to the fake requests for medical attention and the vomit. It's back to the shelter! Back to the fighting over mats, the secret mouthwash drinking, and the inevitable turnaways (it's the weekend after all, always more people looking for shelter on the weekends). But, it's back to the smiles, back to being able to do those little things that make a difference, back to being part of the solution, back to making those little prodding comments that encourage change. I love my job. I truly do.