Spring is Here!

Yesterday I did 108 Sun Salutations. Spring is here!

It’s not the first time I’ve done 108 Sun Salutations, 108 Vinyasas or 108 prostrations, but it was the first time I haven’t counted. Yesterday I let go, and had faith in my teacher to do the counting for me. I tried to breathe through each salute as if it was the first, or the last, and let go of my need for control. It sort of worked.

Doing 108 Sun Salutations is as much an exercise of the mind as it is of your physical body and your breath, and boy did my mind try to play games with me. In the past I’ve done them in sets of 12, so you know that there are nine sets and you get a break after every 12. Yesterday, I just breathed. Without my glasses on, I counted even see the 108 flowers on the mirror, one of which was taken down after each flow, no way of knowing how far I’d come, or how far I had to go.

It’s interesting to observe where my mind goes, when my body is pushed, there’s sweat pouring from me, and I’m in a room with forty two other dripping people. I thought about work, I thought about my past, I thought about my future, I let the thoughts come, and I let the thoughts go, trying to come back to my breath, and only my breath.

There was also a constant battle going on between my mind and my body, as I worked to find the balance between pushing myself, and killing myself. After five years of yoga I usually know the difference. 

It started with my feet, they hurt, they felt crampy, “maybe you should just take a break”, said a part of my mind. Then it was my calves, and my hamstrings, aching, and a part of my mind saying “maybe you should just give up”. Other parts of my mind fought back, I knew I could do this, I’d done it before, I deepened my breath, deepened my resolve, and my teacher put on the Spice Girls. Definitely not the most reverent or bliss inducing choice, but the absolute perfect thing to give me the energy to keep going.

I danced my way through the next three songs.

Then it got hotter, or it felt like it was. I began to modify my Sun Salutations, proud of myself for getting through so many, as I’ve always modified all of them in the past.

My body is amazing.

I started to shiver despite how hot I was, and started wondering if this was a symptom of heat stroke, even though I know it isn’t, and besides, I was still dripping away. And all of a sudden in amongst the aches, the shivers, the sweat, and the back and forth in my mind, we were down to our last 12. Deep breaths. Jump Backs. Counting out loud. Rihanna. Gaga.

It was over.

I lay in savasana and decided not to move. I was overwhelmed with the heat, and the physical effort and the emotional battle. But, there was a smile on my face, and there is now as I write this. We do this all so that we can come back to savasana. How amazing does savasana feel after a practice like this.

The final mind battle was the urge to flee from the room. In the wise part of my mind I know that the longer the savasana the better, after all that exertion and all that breathing. Other parts of me though just wanted out, to be cool, to have salt, to have sugar, to have anything that wasn’t savasana in a hot room. And I breathed, and I waited, until  I slowly left the room and joined some of my Sangha as we sat and shared our joy.

Things I learned this month

So here we are at the beginning of another month. At the end of group on Thursday I got them to write about ten things they learned this month and as is my new habit I did the same. Unfortunately, I lost my list, so I have to try and make it up again so I can share it. So, here it goes, hopefully.

1. If you can't find the crawl space in your new house, look under the sink.

2. Always know the name of your lawyer

3. When you're doing headstands, the pinky fingers don't interlace

4. When you're going from a headstand, through scorpion, to a half wheel, go SLOWLY (actually that applies to most of my yoga and perhaps to most of my life)

5. Some things you've come to accept as normal, are actually harassment

6. Living on the ground floor of a house (well, it's a single story house) means you can no longer just randomly change, you have to think about whether your blinds are open.

7. Living with a roommate means you can't just randomly change, you need to make sure your door is closed.

8. I talk to my cats A LOT and have entire conversations with them. While I knew this was true, I didn't realize how extreme it was till I had the roommate comment on said conversations.

9. You CAN fit a one bedroom apartment inside a 1 ton u-haul (my father didn't believe it could be done).

10. I have awesome friends (but I already knew this)

So there you have it, ten things of August!

Birthday Number 25

I wanted to do a birthday post, of some sort, a sort of recap of my twenty fifth year on the earth, but I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to post, so you get a mix of things.

For starters, you get to read about what I did today, because today was awesome. I decided to make the best of the whole not being allowed to/give the opportunity to not work today (I pouted and cried yesterday, today was for celebration). I was up early anyway, seeing as best friend texted me at 707 to wish me a happy birthday, and the cats were up and meowing. Dad and I met with the lawyer's office to sign all the papers for my house, then hit the Starbucks. I took him to my church's garden (which I'll DEFINITELY have to write about sometime) and we drove past my house. Then I did a flow class at yoga. Came home, ate lunch, watched tv yada yada, then off to my doctor for a quick check up and med refill and it was time for the second Starbucks visit of the day! (It's my birthday, why not). After that it was time for my flow II class at yoga then birthday dinner with my dad and sister at my favourite vegan burger place! They even have dairy free soft serve with gluten free cones, so I can EAT it! And that was my birthday :) A very good day if I do say so myself!

Now, for my reminiscing part. Things that have happened since I turned 24 last year.... hmmm

-Well, there's the obvious ones. My grandmother died, and then my mom died, right close together, so this has been a sad year in many ways.

-I decided to house hunt and bought a house!

-I became senior staff on my team and we had almost a complete staff turn over

-I became president of our union

-I deepened some friendships, let go of some others

-I learned a TON about yoga and how my body works

-I went back to counselling (and still go, on and off)

-I started seeing my naturopath

-I started getting massages

-I cut way back on my inhalers (I also stopped taking them completely for a bit, before the asthma nutrition plan, and couldn't breath deeply enough to do a sun salutation)

-I started playing Ultimate Frisbee (which is aweomse!)

-I went to Ottawa, Washington State, Washington D.C. and Richmond Hill Ontario (and got to do Moksha yoga in Ottawa and Richmond Hill)

-I broke my caffeine addiction but discovered that I still really like coffee

-I taught Sunday School, which I always said I'd never do again, and wound up liking it

-I said no to more things then I've ever said no to before (and the world didn't end)

-I decided to go to Malawi

-I began to enjoy wine only do have it disappear due to the asthma plan

-I learned more about motivational interviewing and am getting better at putting it into practice

-I came more to terms with my ethical and moral beliefs about suicidal clients

And well, I'm sure a lot more! I bet that didn't even touch most of what I did this year or what I learned, but I'm falling asleep as I type, so the list is as good as it gets!

awkward questions/compliments

Something I talk about in the classes I teach on Assertiveness, Self Esteem and Criticism, is that a lot of people have a hard time accepting compliments. So often in life, we are unable to take compliments at face value, and we have a hard time accepting them as positive. Sometimes it is because we are wondering about a hidden motive, what does this person want? Why are they being nice to me? Other times, it is because we don't believe it ourselves, when we feel badly about ourselves, it's hard to imagine that others don't feel similarly. I'm sure the following conversation is fairly normal in your life as well.

"Nice outfit today!"

"Oh, this old thing, I found it in the back of my closet"

"You did a good job on that project!"

"(list of all the things that went wrong on the project)"

Because I am constantly teaching this, I've tried really hard to work on it myself, and I really think I've improved at taking compliments, except about one issue. See, here's the thing, in January, I did a detox at yoga, and after that, my naturopath put me on an asthma nutrition plan which cut out eggs, wheat, dairy, chocolate, wine and beer. So, since January, I've lost more than 40lbs. I am still not even half way to being a "healthy" weight for my height, but it's a big change, and it's quite noticeable now. I have a really hard time with this. Part of the problem is that I was happy with my body the way it was before, and I'm happy with my body the way it is now. I'm enjoying the weight loss because it's been good for my yoga practice, and I'm almost out of plus sizes so the thrift store will have more clothes that fit me... oh, and towels wrap around me better! I am not, however, obsessed with the weight loss. I stick with the eating plan because it has helped my asthma A LOT. I've cut back a huge amount on the inhaled steroids, from two puffs, twice a day to one, once a day, and the only time I have asthma symptoms is when I eat things that aren't on the plan, (like the s'mores last weekend!)

How does this relate to compliments? Well, I've started getting a lot of "compliments" on my weight loss. And I'm really having a hard time with it. I've been trying to get to the root of why, but I'm having a difficult time analyzing it. Part of it, I think, is that it seems too personal, but my body is something the world sees everyday, of course my coworkers and friends will notice the change in size. If I get a new hair cut, or new makeup, they notice, why wouldn't they notice this. Then there is a part of me that feels that I don't deserve the compliment, that I haven't done this to lose weight, that I'm not cutting calories that much (I eat a lot of tortilla chips and jelly bellies). The simple fact is, that with cutting out eggs, wheat and dairy, and continuing with my yoga classes, I must be eating less than I put out. I've had to eliminate frozen pizza and ice cream and lean cusine frozen dinners from my daily eating, and it makes a big difference. I also had to stop eating most desserts and snack food. So, I feel like I'm not putting nearly as much effort into this, in a direct way, as all the times I did try and lose weight and failed.

So really, I think the issues comes down to the weight. I don't like that the focus is on weight. I don't like that it's something we compliment people on, and yet in some ways, I think we should? I have a lot of thoughts about it, and I'm having a hard time getting them out. On the no side, as in no, we shouldn't compliment people about their weight loss, my thoughts are as follows.

- Self Esteem and Self Worth should not come from physical image or outside things. Giving compliments about this does not promote internal factors.

- My sister has an eating disorder, as do many, many others, and this is a huge trigger thing.

Then there's my thoughts on the we should compliment people side of things.

- Science has shown us over and over that obesity is rampant, and a huge cause of health programs, should we not applaud people's efforts to be healthy?

- (This goes with the one above, I suppose) if someone were to quit smoking, we would applaud it, if they were to quit drinking, we'd compliment them, why wouldn't we do the same to weight loss?

I think what it comes down to, is who the compliments come from, and how their phrased, at least in my book. For example, when my supervisor compliments me, she says things like "you've really changed a lot of your habits" and she encourages me in my healthy eating. When her supervisor compliments me, she says things like "you're a lot smaller, have you lost weight?" I find the questions harder than the compliments, I suppose. People telling me I look good, I don't seem to mind nearly as much as people telling me I look good I because I've lost weight, or that the weight loss looks good. I have a really hard time with those, and I question, did I look that bad before? I was okay how I looked then to! (I also really hate it when anyone calls me a skinny minny, or really, when anyone uses the word "skinny".

I suppose, this has no conclusion. I haven't answered any of my questions. I still don't know whether it's good or bad to compliment someone on their weight loss (thankfully I'm so oblivious I never notice when someone loses or gains weight, so that part of things is not an issue for me), and I still don't know why it bothers me so much when people compliment me on my weight loss. Thoughts for another day, I suppose.

Things I've Learned

Today I got the clients to do an exercise for the last day of group in which they had to think of ten things they'd learned. Either things about employment, or coping skills, or job searching, or themselves, and so I figured that while they were working on it, I'd try and come up with ten things I'd learned in the past four weeks as well. I came up with 14 and thought I'd share them.

1. I am an adult... for real (I think I learn this one at least once a month though)

2. B12 shots rock my world

3. I don't want fixing, I want support (again, I learn this one a lot)

4. Half moon pose needs to be done from my finger tips

5. How to do a proper headstand the "yoga way"

6. How to stake peas and beans

7. It might not happen even when it feels right

8. Don't drink drinks made by a certain friend

9. How to be a better "mark" in ultimate frisbee

10. Gluten free buns are kind of gross (but they're buns I can eat so I eat them anyway)

11. Your SIN card no longer counts as ID for criminal record checks

12. Republic of Doyle is a great Canadian show

13. Cats at the office are good, transporting said cats to/from the office is not

14. Sophie Cat is a good judge of character (or at least dislikes the same people I do).

Day 9

Today was the hardest day of the challenge yet for me. It was seriously hard to motivate myself to get to yoga. I felt horrible today, emotionally as well as somewhat physically, and I left work early cause I didn't feel like bursting into tears at my desk. I came home, climbed into bed, and fell asleep. Then of course I had to get up for yoga. Which really was a good thing, because it meant I couldn't completely screw up my sleep schedule.

At yoga, there was a new teacher, which is fine, if we hadn't also had 3 new staff start at work (two today, one last Wednesday). I can only deal with so much change and I feel like my life is in a state of constant flux. I had a bit of a hard time letting go of the teaching/teacher and sinking into my yoga. She did things a bit differently, and it just, wasn't working for me... or something. I dunno.

So, things I learned today: Sometimes it's okay to just give up, go home and take a nap. It really was what I needed. I really did need to not be at work for a while (despite just coming off a long weekend). Not knowing if I'm flying half way across the country to go see my grandma, is kind of getting to me. And mom's chemo isn't working...which I'd already guessed, but still.

back to the grind

So I'm back at the main job tomorrow morning. Full time counsellor once again. I look forward to the stress relief as long as my boss is off my case. I don't even truly remember what she was on my case about though so hopefully she's forgotten as well.

I held my mothers hand today as she screamed in pain while they took our her chest tube drain. The doctor told her it would "pinch a little". His version of "a little" is apparently quite different than hers. Poor woman. The good news is that the drain is out! Hopefully that means she's home tomorrow!

I am tired. And the thing is, I can't decide if it's harder to tell the truth, or to just pretend that everything is fine. It depends on the situation, I guess, but yeah...

I hope to get back to posting about social work tomorrow after I actually do some. All I've done this week is feel sorry for myself, wonder if I should be feeling sorry for myself or if I should get over it, and then wonder if in fact I should be feeling sorrier for myself. It's a never ending cycle...

Finding balance. It's all about finding balance. And so, I'll keep plugging away at this, one day at a time. One. day. at. a. time. And if I can't do one day then we'll break the day into sections and go from there.

As Dory would say, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!"

it's a lot easier

Lesson of the week: Sometimes it is WAY easier to be a social worker than a friend.

One of dearest and most beloved friends is currently dealing with extremely debilitating anxiety. If she was a client, I would know what to do, but it's so much harder to be a friend. That comes across sounding wrong somehow. I'm not sure it expresses what I'm truly trying to say. Let me try again.

I'm not trying to say that I want to be my friend's social worker, because I very much do not. What I am trying to say is that as a social worker, I have techniques and boundaries, and coworkers to debrief with, and time limited situations etc... Very rarely, does the emotional pain of my clients deeply hurt my heart. This is a good thing. It's what keeps me sane, and what enables me to be good at my job.

When my bestest bud is hurting, it breaks my heart. I hurt with her, and I hurt for her. I want to make all her pain go away. I certainly don't want to throw the responsibility back on her, I just want to fix the situation, so she doesn't have to deal with it. And I know she feels the same way, when I'm in the depths of depression (we've talked about it). Friendship is so deep on such a mutual level.

As social workers, we are able to make amazing differences in people's lives, we connect with people on a deep emotional level, but it's their emotional level, most of the time. We still have that inner running social worker dialogue going on in our heads. When it's our friends that are hurting, there's something else there.

This seems to be one of my more rambling posts, I haven't slept the greatest the past two nights, and I'm trying to express so much in this, and it's just not working.

On a positive note, because I like to end on a positive note, I got a BIKE! My last two were stolen, but hopefully this years bike, complete with even BIGGER lock, will last longer. That's the goal at least... In anycase, I'm riding to work tomorrow, and I'm very happy about that. SO glad to leave the car behind! Oh, and I made a pasta salad for lunch tomorrow, I'm very proud of myself.

and that folks, is a rare picture of the mess inside the dreamers house.

Negative Symptoms of Schizophrenia

I had one of those eye opening moments the other day.  We had a client present with all the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, and virtually no positive ones.  Actually, rather then realizing that she had gone off her meds, we assumed she was on too many meds.  I would totally have bet on her anti psychotics being too high.  

When she came for her intake, she seemed like your average young adult female.  By the time she started her first class session she was freakishly unmoving, unspeaking, and seemingly uninterested.  When I say unmoving, I mean it was as if she became a part of the chair.  Always sitting perfectly straight though, never slouching.  Her eyes would choose a point, be it the front, the back, or the desk, and they would never move.  Her "creepy" coloured contacts, gave her an even more frightening look.  Her answers were all in yes or no form, with the most common one being "no".  Being her counselor, it fell to me to confront her.  

The first time I tried, I got no where.  She gave me some "nos" and then walked out.  So then two of us sat her down a different day.  At this point, she informed us she had stopped taking her medications after having a "bad" time with them.  We let her go without pushing her too hard, as she was honestly scaring both of us.  Our supervisor met with her and her father today... we'll see what happens.  

The point is though, assumptions are bad.  We all assumed she was over medicated and totally missed the fact that she was in fact off her meds.  Even though I knew she had a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and I know about negative symptoms, it didn't occur to me till yesterday that what we were seeing were symptoms not med reactions.  

Schizophrenia isn't just voices! 

tired but good

This is Sophie cat when I thought she was sick, wrapped up and getting eaten by my giant Tigger (thanks to bestest bud).  She's all back to her normal self now despite conning hummus, cool whip, and assorted other foods out of me the past couple days.  

My new job is going really well.  I'll post pictures of my office soon (I'm waaay too excited about having my own office, and I also realized it won't happen in many of my future jobs, and I do believe in open office concepts, it's just FUN!  I'm slightly worried the job will be too boring, and while it's good, I'm definitely not used to people actually caring about what I do and how I'm doing.  Things are going to take a little getting used to.  No more having down days where I get to read fiction all night!  The sleep thing is difficulty, especially the waking up part, but I'll survive, I always do! 

Thanks for all the supportive comments on the last post.  You guys are awesome! 

laughable

When I interviewed for my job at the work placement team (yay for new job) I really did NOT think I had done well.  I knew I had gotten some of the questions bang on, some of them half on, and only completely made up one answer (oh how I wished I'd actually done some research).  There was one question though, a very serious questions that I grinned and started laughing at...I thought it was definitely worth sharing, although I do realize that it is kind of morbid, and it shows me just how calloused my job has made me.  

So, the interviewer asked me to desribe a time when I'd intervened with someone who was suicidal.  Now, she wanted a professional answer of course, so I could use anything to do with my sister and her multiple issues (which reminds me of another post I want to make) but in my head I was thinking that I've dealt with enough suicidal people to think of something!  And that's when I started laughing, see this is what came to mind.  

A while back, I wrote about a man who tried to strangle himself in the drunk tank.  In this case, he was extremely drunk and high on an unknown substance(s).  Talking, as it often does in cases of intoxication, did me no good and right infront of me he took he shirt, wrapped it around his neck and began to pull tighter, and tighter and tighter.  I ran for a coworker and by the time we got back he was unconcious.  We opened the door and untied the knot.  When he realized he wasn't dead, he went nuts and it took six police officers to carry him out and take him to the hospital to get checked.  

But that's just one story, if it was just that, maybe I wouldn't have laughed.  When the police who apprehended him came back the officer looked at me and said "weren't you here last week when we took someone out who tried to kill themselves" and I had to ask "which one/which time".  Because it happens SO often.  I mean, people are really creative.  I've dealt with more then one hanging, more the one strangulation, attempted wrist/throat slashing, and of course, the good old bang head into wall until you pass out.  One of those ones fought the cops for a good long time begging them to just let him kill himself.  This was all I could think about.  All the lives I've potential saved with "suicide intervention", and I laughed, because I knew this was not at all what they were asking for, but it was all I could think of.  

Finally, I smiled, and said something like "I spend a lot of time with intoxicated people and their situations can be kind of exreme, let me tell you about a time I dealt with someone sober..." I based my answer on a client experience, but in truth, I just walked through the steps of a suicide intervention and ended with a likely outcome.  One of the reason I want this job, is so that I can have those experiences.  Right now, if someone's suicidal, once their sober, we pawn them off on the crisis team, we don't have the time to deal with them, I'm too busy watching out for the one in the cell beside them ripping his mat into ropes or watchign 71 other people in the shelter making sure they don't kill each other after a percieved sock theft.  

Suicide is not a laughing matter... just one of the reasons I got a new job.  

why phillip can't talk

Phillip, and his friends, reminded me of a very important lesson, one that we social workers learn right from the beginning.  Client's are the experts in their own lives, and don't make assumptions.  

Phillip has never been "right".  The general assumption was the Phillip had sniffed a little too much solvent, causing him to lose fine motor control, and drank a lot too much mouth wash and possibly hair spray (and yes, people drink hairspray...bleck).  Phillip is very childlike in his speech, his actions and his understanding of things.  We thought that maybe he was born with a disability, possible FASD or something else.  

One day though, I was talking to one of his friends about his ongoing struggle with sniffing.  A coworker piped in "yeah, you don't want to end up like Phillip".  The friend turned back to me and said "Phillip used to be fine, he walked and talked like the rest of us, then, his girlfriend left him and he tried to hang himself... it didn't work, and he came through it like this".  

In the end, it really doesn't matter now why Phillip is the way he is.  What matters now is helping him live with this and supporting him where he is at.  In some way though, it fills in that missing piece of the puzzle, it answers that fabulous question "why".  

darkness and light

There's something powerful about darkness.  Darkness can provide a cover for dangerous or forbidden things.  Darkness can provide a blanket.  Darkness can be scary.  People do things in the darkness they won't do in the light.  Darkness can be overwhelming.  

After my dark and depressing post yesterday, I decided to see some sunshine today and tomorrow, even if it screws up my sleep schedule a bit.  I need to be awake during the day for once.  And the truth is, for whatever reason, I do feel better having spent sometime in the light.  

To touch on a comment by the wonderful cb I realize that what I'm facing right now isn't just normal winter blues.  I may sometimes want to deny it, or a rationalize it, but I know that it's not "normal".  Looking at myself as if I was a client again, because that often helps me figure things out, let's do an assessment. 

I'm a 22 year old female with a history of anxiety, depressive episodes, mild-moderate self harm (in my later teenaged years), and a family history of depression/anxiety.  

I work the night shift and so my circadian rythms are totally screwy which has also screwed with my period a bit.  It also means, I don't see the sun a lot. 

I have a history of having trouble when the seasons change.  

I have little family contact/support, but some, and probably more if I asked. 

I have a huge support network with my church, if I reached out to them

I have a stressful job, but good coworkers who for the most part support me

History of contact with the mental health system is 2 years of therapy during year 2 and 3 of my degree. 

Stable of 150mg of Effexor for past 2 years.  Have available clonazepam prn for anxiety, zopiclone prn for sleeping, but I rarely take them.  

No past history of suicide attempts, no current thoughts/plans of suicide. 

So, was I to provide "advice" (oh yes, that dreaded word) to my client (or well, if I was to help them discover ways they could help themselves), things that might come up include:

Reaching out my support systems (half check, i emailed bestest bud, and set up a get together with another friend)

Changing my meds (no check, I'm not interested, but, maybe I'll try and take more clonazepam and/or zopiclone instead of letting things get REALLY bad first)

Changing shifts (I'm working on it!)

Writing more (working on it, it's helped in the past!)

Self Care (I will be going back to yoga, buying some raw food, hanging out with friends and reading fiction)

And that, is the current care plan for the dreamer.  Because you know something?  I can get through this! And seriously, I'm feeling better today, just making some plans, and talking to a few people and getting OUT of my house.  awesome.  

Oh how I miss Social Work supervision aka all the things I wish there’d been time to say

For the most part, I’ve been doing pretty well working without any proper supervision.  As I’ve said before, it’s nice not to have to over analyze every single little thing I do.  Most of the people I work with are completely uninterested in debrief and reflection and are simply there to do their job and go home again.  I really wish there was something more though.  After the whole CPR thing my boss got me to come “check in” with him about how I was doing, but it just felt, empty... So now, you get to hear all the things I wish I could have said to my boss or supervisor (oh wait, I was the supervisor that night... well, to my boss anyway). 

 

For starters, I feel like I handled the whole situation really well.  I’m quite proud of myself actually.  I’ve been put in this position of authority with no extra training, no extra feedback, no nothing, only “seniority” which really isn’t very much.  It’s just been expected of me that I’d be in charge, because I’ve been there longer than other people.  This particular night showed me that I can be a good leader, but that there are also areas that I need to work on.  Yes, the CPR/live saving/hero thing was a part of that night, but it wasn’t the only part of that night, and it was actually one of the least frustrating parts, if I was honest. 

 

I am not pleased with the way I treated one of my coworkers.  I’m not upset with what I did persay, because I think it was necessary, but I still wish I’d been able to do things differently.  Asking me about letting the drop in clients in for coffee when I’m literally in the middle of doing chest compressions just doesn’t sit well with me.  I’m sorry, it doesn’t.  And while I’m not a rude person generally, it’s hard for me to be polite when I have a guy with no heartbeat on the floor beneath me.  So, yes, I snapped at you, but seriously, can you say bad timing?? 

 

I’d love to talk about whether that was where I should have been.  I have a tendency to insert myself into situations, although I’m really trying to work on that.  As the shift manager, should I have been down in a drunk tank cell doing CPR when there was still the rest of the building to worry about.  If I’d been upstairs and sent this co-worker down, there wouldn’t have been any questions to snap at, but is it right to ask someone to do CPR? I mean, it’s part of our job, but I also know they’ve been a bit lax on that lately, and I remember him saying recently that he was “about” to take his training... I am confident in my CPR abilities (and managed to remember lots of important stuff – even head tilt/chin lifts).  So I felt like I needed to be there.  Plus, I sort of stumbled on it when I went to check on what was happening.  So, what exactly should the role of the shift manager be, or is it again situational, as I wrote about a few days ago. 

 

Finally, there’s the fact that only 1 in 7 people whose hearts have stopped and CPR is performed on will live.  So realistically, if this happens again, and if I stay at my job, it will, the person probably won’t live to try and assault the paramedics. 

 

Things to ponder, things to ponder...

Actions and Consequences

When I was a child, my parents taught me that there was a consequence to each of my actions, good or bad, and often, if I did the wrong thing, they were the ones to enforce the consequence.  For example, leaving my room in a mess despite repeated warnings to clean it up might result in not being allowed to watch TV until it was clean.  And more serious for me, my mom almost took my entire collection of books away because she caught me reading after lights out one too many times.  As adults, there’s no parent standing over us handing down consequences, but that doesn’t mean they are no longer there.  Bestest bud, for example, expected the house to be clean when she house sat this week and so because I hadn’t cleaned in ages I had to spend the two days leading up to my vacation cleaning like mad trying to make a dent in months of clutter. 

 

Many people believe that the homeless are simply living out the consequences of their actions and because of that they do not need our help.  Rather, they simply need to take new actions which will have more positive consequences.  If unemployment led to loss of housing, finding yourself employment will then lead to housing.  This way of looking at things looks at things on a more macro level and is easily generalized to many different situations. 

On a micro level however we look at individuals, their situations, their actions and what the consequences of those actions are.  It can become easy for my coworkers and I to take on a parental role (often quite unintentionally) and become the one who hands out consequences.  A client does something wrong, we punish them.  Sniff in the shelter, kicked out for 24 hours for example.  One would expect this to be a deterrent, but if losing housing wasn’t enough to force someone to find employment will 24 hours outside force someone to stop sniffing?  I think that’s what gets to a lot of us.  We kick people out over and over and over and over again, and they’re mad, really mad, and yet month, or a week or even the next day, they’re doing it again. 

 

One reason for this is addiction.  Addiction is very powerful.  I didn’t really just how powerful until I started working in detox.  I hear people whose hearts are just breaking because of the horrible consequences of their addictions, who want more than anything to stop, and yet are somehow still held captive by their substance of choice.  Further, after you use drugs/alcohol for a while your brain starts to go.  You actually kill brain cells and damage parts of your brain, including your memory.  Further you may not remember what happened as you “blacked out” from drinking. 

 

Another reason is FASD and/or other brain damage.  One of the frustrating things about working with children with FASD is their inability to understand the consequences of their actions.  This is true for adults with FASD as well, only we expect adults to have mastered this concept.  No matter how many times we tell someone, they may simply not get it (one of the reasons we tend not to use sliding punishment scales in which the punishment increases each time the action occurs).

A third reason people do not seem to learn from their consequences as we expect them to is mental illness, bet that depression, anxiety, schizophrenia or anything else along the spectrum.  It’s hard to care about the consequences when you don’t exist in the same reality as the one who makes the rules.  Sometimes a person can be so depressed they just don’t care, don’t care at all.  Watching that can be scary, people with zero regard for their own lives are not only a danger to themselves but to those around them as well. 

 

So, how then do we create a safe environment for all people?  

unexpected lessons

I have this thing when I'm shift manager.  I won't ask someone to do something that I'm unwilling to do myself.  That means that when it comes to the things I don't want to do most, unless there's someone else who wants to do them, I have to do them myself (except of course that time with the sour milk, but I just can't do sour milk, i can't, can't, can't).  Therefore when the person in detox called me and asked for a female to come unplug the girls toilet, off I went.  I really couldn't pawn that off on the other girl there... 

See the problem however, was that I've never unplugged a toilet in my life... I used a plunger, once, on a sink... I think?  So realistically, I had no idea what I was doing.  My coworker informed that I just needed to "stick it in there and push it up and down"... I tried, but I couldn't even make it move.  Thankfully, one of the female clients knew just what to do.  She came in and somehow it magically worked.  The plunger went up and down, then she flushed, and just like that, the toilet was working again.  I thanked her profusely.  

And so, thanks to work, I now know how to unclog a toilet.  I'm thinking of buying a plunger.  I'm not sure how I've been blessed with clog free plumbing for so long, but the luck will run out some time, and I'd like to be prepared, because somehow I don't think the Sophie cat will be much help.  

sometimes life lessons come in the strangest forms at the strangest times... 

Quick Update

This is how we play cards at my work... wearing nitrile gloves; who knows what's on those cards!  This was one booooooring night in the drunk tank.  On the left you can see our "ghetto" crib board - a plank of wood, holes pounded with a nail and lines drawn in permanent marker, oh and don't forget the qtip pegs!  

Thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post.  My eight days are over and I told my boss I am NEVER doing that again.  I actually had two decent nights and only one fight with the enforcer (which warrants it's own post).  I had some really good van patrols though and that always makes me happy.  I LOVE going out in van.  Also, noone died, which is especially nice given that I haven't caught up on all the tragedy I want to blog about. 

I was hoping to sleep for forever today, but unfortunatly that didn't happen.  I am however taking today for ME, no pressure on myself to do anything.  Well, except feed the Sophie cat, but she makes it perfectly clear that it is not an option.  Of course, because I decided to devote this day to myself I got a horrible headache and spent much of this evening with an icepack on my forhead as the painkillers don't seem to be working.  I also went out and got coffee to feed my addiction and some gravol as that seems to help my headaches.  Actually though, I think what helped the most was getting out in the cold and having something else to think about then how much it hurt.  

I'm hoping to get a longer sleep today, whenever I decide to go to bed, or when my body conks out and decides it for me.  I have tomorrow off too, and I really need to get some laundry done!  I'd also love to go to yoga, as I've been so busy that it's been really hard to get there.  

Oh, and I changed the blog links in my side bar... I know I forgot some.  So if you think you (or someone else) should be there, comment and I'll add you  in.  

"holiday's" over

My holiday is almost over. I go back to work tomorrow night (or well, I guess it's tonight seeing as I'm writing this after midnight). I'm in the process of staying up late so that I can sleep all day. For some reason, it's working! Having five days off has been AMAZING! And just the right length too. I'm missing work. I'm missing being around my coworkers and I'm missing my clients as well. I also just miss being around people, but that's what happens when you're an extrovert.

My holiday however has been productive. I've managed to hang out with most of the people I wanted to hang out with, including all three members of my immediate family (and not even all at once). I had a good friend over to watch girly movies and eat pizza on new years eve, and bestest bud came over today to watch another movie and drink hot chocolate. I've gone to yoga, gone on a swing, had lots of starbucks, and cleaned my house (with the exception of my bedroom). I washed all the dishes and did most of the laundry. I snuggled with the sophie cat and read books I wanted to read. I hung out with roommate, who's back from grad school and went out for cofee with a girl from the church. To put it quickly. It's been fun. The one thing I miss is best friend, and I'm really hoping I'll get to fly across the country and visit her soon.

I'm actually rather proud of myself. I'm not good at holidays. I am always happy for about the first day. Sometimes not even that long, and then I start going CRAZY! One thing that really helped was having a car, because it gave me an easy way to go places in the cold, cold, snowy weather and enabled me to pick up people to hang out with. Another thing that helped was yoga, because it gave me a reason to get out of the house, it took up time, and it tired me out (and of course yoga just feels awesome anyway). I still had my moments where things just seemed impossible, but I got through it. I also think this is a sign that I'm more okay with being with myself then I would have been even at the start of the summer or when I first moved into my very own place. That makes me happy too.

In conclusion, it's back to the drunk tank tomorrow! Back to the death threats, back to the name calling, back to the fake requests for medical attention and the vomit. It's back to the shelter! Back to the fighting over mats, the secret mouthwash drinking, and the inevitable turnaways (it's the weekend after all, always more people looking for shelter on the weekends). But, it's back to the smiles, back to being able to do those little things that make a difference, back to being part of the solution, back to making those little prodding comments that encourage change. I love my job. I truly do.

stairs

Trauma can take many forms, something important to remember as social workers and other professionals. Sometimes, things can even be more traumatic for the person who witnessed the event then the one who experienced it. People deal with trauma in different ways, and there's no one right way to deal with it. I, like to write, and so, I'm going to write, even though what happened turned out to be okay.

So I have this guy I'm discharging from the drunk tank. He's taking FOREVER on the phone. Everyone gets a phone call, but seriously, somethings are just ridiculous. So after 10 minutes, he's STILL on the phone, and I need to move on to the next discharge.

So my supervisor, my favourite one starts down the stairs. He's 64, and has a lot of problems with his ankles, pain, swelling, trouble walking sometimes. Lots of things. He's on the side by the wall. It's a half flight of stairs, but as he takes his second step, his ankle buckles and he starts to fall, and there's nothing I can do but watch. It was like it happened in slow motion, as his body hit the safe, breaking the key off in the lock, as his head smacked into the hard metal lockers and his side struck the metal grips on the steps. And the IPDA just kept on talking, as if nothing was going on.

I say his name, as my coworker runs from upstairs, it was a loud crash. I tell him not to move, that I need to stabalize his neck and spine. He's at a funny angle, but consious. And what does he do, he moves, heavy breathing, gasping, asking me to help him get his shoe back on. Don't move I say, we need to stabalize your spine, you fell at a funny angle. And what does he do? He yells at the IDPA who says "what, it's not my fault" and just keeps on talking. My other coworker comes from detox. He helps me kick out the IDPA, and then turns his attention to my supervisor who will NOT stay still, let alone let me stabalize him. He wants up, so we help him sit up, encourage ice, and try to assess the situation. As if he'll let us put an ice pack anywhere, despite the fact that it hurts. He's a bit disoriented too.

We help him up the stairs, call an ambulance, and then wait. We call the manager on call. Get the lecture "don't move anything" (as in the scene, so we can "investigate"), and then we wait. I run back and forth between doing checks in IPDA, and watching my supervisor. We're short staffed, and there just aren't enough of us. I want to clean his cut, but I have police downstairs, work must go on, and so thankfully, the ambulance comes. As the sole witness, I have to talk to them, and then the three of us staff, and the two paramedics have to convince him to go to the hospital. Easier said then done. My supervisor is STUBORN!

Ambulance leaves, I realize that if I'm not careful, I'll have a bad adrenaline crash. I don't know what it is about me, but I have horrible adrenaline reactions, and I know it, so I start chugging water, it's supposed to help. Then the manager calls again, I start my incident report, we start our "investigation", all the while, I have to make sure the 14 people in IPDA stay alive. But, drinking water, and going to the bathroom every ten minutes, I make it to the end of my shift.

Of course, it's not over, because I still have to have a discussion with my manager about an incident report I filed the day before about a sexual harrasment issue presented to me by a client. Then I wander home, eat something, and fall asleep. I'm okay. No made adrenaline come down. The water and the walk did their trick. Besides, my supervisor is fine, and threatening to walk home from the hospital if we don't get over there and pick him up. I'm proud of myself and the staff, as we compitently dealt with a potentially critical situtation.

Then my afternoon nap, the dreams start. I can still seem him falling, like it's in slow motion, one bit at a time. I dream about him, about others, about stairs, lots of stairs. People stop breathing, there's too many people who all need my help, and I don't have my radio on to call for someone else. How can I leave one person, to go yell for help, when my coworkers already with someone. What do I choose to do? What's the best solution?

I'm sure I'll be fine. I always have incredibely vivid dreams, so that's really not a new thing for me. It's only natural I'd dream about something like this. The fact I didn't have an adreneline crash was also really good. And I'll talk about it, and write about it. I'm an extrovert, it's good for me. I can feel whatever I feel, and that's okay.

transition

The majority of my friends started back to school this week, and for the first time since I was five, I didn't. It feels REALLY weird. I have to say, I am glad that I don't have any homework. It's SO nice to come home after work and not have to worry about doing extensive research (not that I didn't enjoy it) or putting together a twenty page paper. It's also REALLY nice to not have to reflect in writing on every single interaction I have. Practicum logs were useful, but they were also A LOT of work, and kind of frustrating.

On the other hand, it occurred to me last night, that I may work in the job I have now for quite awhile. Not forever, but probably longer then I've ever had any other job. While everyone else is going back to school, I'm just carrying on with my "summer" job. It's not a bad feeling necessarily, just, as I said, different.

All that being said, the rest of my life is crazy, so it's really nice that I don't have to be worrying about school. I'm moving on Saturday, and I'm SO not ready. I think some of it will just have to happen on Saturday, but there is a lot more that I could be doing. First it seemed to soon, and now all of a sudden I'm behind. I got internet hooked up in my new place today, and slept all day on the floor in my new bedroom (waiting for the internet company, waiting for the cleaning people etc...). I guess I was tired, because I let the cleaning company in, told them not to worry about the bedroom and to let themselves out, and was probably back to sleep five minutes later. Apparently though they spent two hours in the place, and it is nice and clean! I didn't hear a thing.

If you don't see any posts from me for a couple days, it's because I'm busy moving, and working, and packing and cleaning. I'm bringing my adopted cat home on Monday, so I'll be busy with her as well. We have our very first vet appointment Wednesday. I also think I'm going to buy a car next week.

And so, that's the life of this dreamer... I only wish I had more time to dream.