darkness and light

There's something powerful about darkness.  Darkness can provide a cover for dangerous or forbidden things.  Darkness can provide a blanket.  Darkness can be scary.  People do things in the darkness they won't do in the light.  Darkness can be overwhelming.  

After my dark and depressing post yesterday, I decided to see some sunshine today and tomorrow, even if it screws up my sleep schedule a bit.  I need to be awake during the day for once.  And the truth is, for whatever reason, I do feel better having spent sometime in the light.  

To touch on a comment by the wonderful cb I realize that what I'm facing right now isn't just normal winter blues.  I may sometimes want to deny it, or a rationalize it, but I know that it's not "normal".  Looking at myself as if I was a client again, because that often helps me figure things out, let's do an assessment. 

I'm a 22 year old female with a history of anxiety, depressive episodes, mild-moderate self harm (in my later teenaged years), and a family history of depression/anxiety.  

I work the night shift and so my circadian rythms are totally screwy which has also screwed with my period a bit.  It also means, I don't see the sun a lot. 

I have a history of having trouble when the seasons change.  

I have little family contact/support, but some, and probably more if I asked. 

I have a huge support network with my church, if I reached out to them

I have a stressful job, but good coworkers who for the most part support me

History of contact with the mental health system is 2 years of therapy during year 2 and 3 of my degree. 

Stable of 150mg of Effexor for past 2 years.  Have available clonazepam prn for anxiety, zopiclone prn for sleeping, but I rarely take them.  

No past history of suicide attempts, no current thoughts/plans of suicide. 

So, was I to provide "advice" (oh yes, that dreaded word) to my client (or well, if I was to help them discover ways they could help themselves), things that might come up include:

Reaching out my support systems (half check, i emailed bestest bud, and set up a get together with another friend)

Changing my meds (no check, I'm not interested, but, maybe I'll try and take more clonazepam and/or zopiclone instead of letting things get REALLY bad first)

Changing shifts (I'm working on it!)

Writing more (working on it, it's helped in the past!)

Self Care (I will be going back to yoga, buying some raw food, hanging out with friends and reading fiction)

And that, is the current care plan for the dreamer.  Because you know something?  I can get through this! And seriously, I'm feeling better today, just making some plans, and talking to a few people and getting OUT of my house.  awesome.