Sunday, March 8, 2009

darkness and light

There's something powerful about darkness.  Darkness can provide a cover for dangerous or forbidden things.  Darkness can provide a blanket.  Darkness can be scary.  People do things in the darkness they won't do in the light.  Darkness can be overwhelming.  

After my dark and depressing post yesterday, I decided to see some sunshine today and tomorrow, even if it screws up my sleep schedule a bit.  I need to be awake during the day for once.  And the truth is, for whatever reason, I do feel better having spent sometime in the light.  

To touch on a comment by the wonderful cb I realize that what I'm facing right now isn't just normal winter blues.  I may sometimes want to deny it, or a rationalize it, but I know that it's not "normal".  Looking at myself as if I was a client again, because that often helps me figure things out, let's do an assessment. 

I'm a 22 year old female with a history of anxiety, depressive episodes, mild-moderate self harm (in my later teenaged years), and a family history of depression/anxiety.  
I work the night shift and so my circadian rythms are totally screwy which has also screwed with my period a bit.  It also means, I don't see the sun a lot. 
I have a history of having trouble when the seasons change.  
I have little family contact/support, but some, and probably more if I asked. 
I have a huge support network with my church, if I reached out to them
I have a stressful job, but good coworkers who for the most part support me
History of contact with the mental health system is 2 years of therapy during year 2 and 3 of my degree. 
Stable of 150mg of Effexor for past 2 years.  Have available clonazepam prn for anxiety, zopiclone prn for sleeping, but I rarely take them.  
No past history of suicide attempts, no current thoughts/plans of suicide. 

So, was I to provide "advice" (oh yes, that dreaded word) to my client (or well, if I was to help them discover ways they could help themselves), things that might come up include:

Reaching out my support systems (half check, i emailed bestest bud, and set up a get together with another friend)
Changing my meds (no check, I'm not interested, but, maybe I'll try and take more clonazepam and/or zopiclone instead of letting things get REALLY bad first)
Changing shifts (I'm working on it!)
Writing more (working on it, it's helped in the past!)
Self Care (I will be going back to yoga, buying some raw food, hanging out with friends and reading fiction)

And that, is the current care plan for the dreamer.  Because you know something?  I can get through this! And seriously, I'm feeling better today, just making some plans, and talking to a few people and getting OUT of my house.  awesome.  


talesofacrazypsychmajor said...

Have you tried a sun lamp? I have one of them, while It's not as good as the real sun, it's nice. On those weeks where the sun is hidden by clouds I find it helpful.
Hope you feel better.

cb said...

I am quite affected by the levels of sunshine and have worked through many years of shift work and night work and it really can mess with all sorts of things. Take care of yourself - although it looks like you are on the right path.

antiSWer said...

I liked the stepping outside yourself and looking at things from a different angle.

It's wonderful that you have the self-awareness to do this for yourself. :)


Hi Dreamer,

I think you would benefit from briefly checking out http//

Take it easy babe


Still Dreaming said...

I'm actually thinking of getting a sun lamp when I get my tax refund. I was originally going to buy a new bed, but one of my friends is moving and selling me hers for cheap, so maybe this is a good time.

I love stepping outside myself to see situations, it works for me really well and gives me SO much better perspective. I like using it in therapy too, to help clients see another point of view "what would you tell your friend if she came to you with this problem" and or "what do you think your friend would say". Or of course you can always role play so the therapist plays the client and discusses the c/n's problems and the client tries to counsel them and gets to hear their own voice doing it.

Herman said...

Hope you fell better. Snuggle with Sophie cat

Anonymous said...

Bestest Bud says: its me. Call me RE: sunlamp and I can tell you all sorts of stuff. I had one for 6 months, it helped but not enough, and they figured out I didn't have Seasonal Affected Disorder.

Anonymous said...

It's like I wrote it---if you can figure out what makes you happy, please let me know! I'll try anything...