i'm sorry I can't be perfect...or not

I've had to shift manage quite a few times lately, and twice in the last week.  I honestly don't mind, but it's also not something I want to do everyday.  Definitely not everyday.  It's really easy, until something goes wrong and then everything falls to you.  I'm just not interested in having that kind of responsibility on a regular basis, and besides, you can't do anything and it's really quite boring.  

Anyway, this week I had to do it when the person who was managing went home sick, unfortunately that was the second person gone, and we couldn't find anyone to come in, so we were REALLY short staffed.  I called our manager on call... twice and got no response.  When they finally called back it was "what do you want me to do?" what did I want?  I wanted them to tell me what I was supposed to be doing with that few staff.  But no, they just authorized some overtime and went to bed.  We did awesome.  The people working were great, and it was really quiet.  I was, to be honest, rather pleased with myself for keeping the situation under control and not getting worked up about stuff.  

Then after shift change, the day staff let me have it.  Man, according to them I was pretty much the worst person ever.  I guess it's against the union policy to have that few people in the building or something, and it's a huge deal (even though I know we've done it on nights before when the enforcers been in charge).  It all has to do with liability and while I totally get it, in a practical sense, what was I supposed to do.  According to the person reaming me out, I needed to call the day staff at 2AM and get one of them to come in at 3:30AM, four hours before their scheduled shift... I'm sure this would have gone over REALLY well had I done this (and let me tell you, if it ever happens again I know EXACTLY who I'll be calling).  

There were many other things that I was apparently wrong about, athough this was the big one, and to be brutally honest I got in the car and sobbed my way home.  I tried so hard to do everything right, and somehow it just wasn't good enough.  But as I pondered things I realized a few things.  For starters, it's important to remember where this all was coming from.  This is a person who tells me off a lot (like a daytime enforcer sort of) and talks down to many people, not just me.  Secondly, I did do many things right, nothing went wrong, and there were no emergencies, fights or issues.  While this may not be the case every time something like this were to happen, it was this time, and that's the important thing.  

The biggest thing I have to remember is that I am definitely the least experienced shift manager we have, by a lot.  All the other shifts have tons of waaaaaaaaaay more experienced people, but since most people don't want to work nights as soon as they have some seniority they swtich to a "better" shift.  Thus, the night shift has tends to have the newest people (except of course for the enforcer), even our alternate coordinator has less experience then like the 4rth alternate for days (wait, it's actually the 6th alternate...I just counted).  SO it's natural that I wouldn't know all the policies or what to do in all contingencies.  I've recieved no extra training to do this.  No one has ever sat down and said "this is what you do to be a shift manager" or "this is what to do when..."  As far as I can tell, there isn't even a book about it.  I mean, there's our general policies, half of which are still under review, but there's no specific section to go to.  I don't even have a job description for it because I'm not "the" coordinator.  

I coordinated the next day and even though I had almost full staff the day staff still found many things that I did "wrong".  This time though, I looked at things more critically and realized that in many cases it wasn't about "me" at all, it's more of a general frustration with the organization, the lack of communication and the lack of funding.  

This is one thing I honestly never dreamed I'd be doing... 

non sensical ramblings about homelessness (part 6)

It's interesting not being in school. I no longer am forced to really examine my thoughts, feelings and biases about things on a regular basis. In some ways that feels really nice, but in other ways I feel like I'm kind of losing out. I've been thinking a lot lately, and it's interesting some of the assumptions I make, even though I "know" better. And it's interesting how in some situations I can be very black and white, where in others I'll bend the rules no problem.

One of the things I feel very strongly about is that when the shelter is full, the shelter is full. I do not feel like we should be squeezing extra people in to sleep on the floors and under the sinks and stuff. Besides, somehow, no matter how careful we are, there always seems to be extra people in the shelter who are not entered in the computer. Therefore, when we're full, we're probably already at least 5-7% over capacity. Letting in another 10% more people means we may be operating at almost 20% over capacity which if you asks me is a huge safety risk and health hazard. We tell late comers that they need to come earlier; over and over and over again. Some of the staff will let them in to squish (the enforcer being one of them, interestingly enough) where as I will make them stay outside in the cold. We're full, we're full. Often the enforcer lets them in as soon as I turn around, which also bugs me.

One of the assumptions that I make though is about actions and consequences. For me, it seems like getting locked out of the shelter is the natural consequence of coming too late. But are people understanding that? Because they do it time and time again. Or to people see it as me being cruel? That's the other thing, if you ask me, I'd say that shelter is a basic human right. At the same time, in society we live with a capitalist world view, and some would say that these people are not entitled to shelter. It's horrible, but sometimes I just feel like screaming "go get a freaking job"! Today when two people were guilt tripping me at the window and said "well then find us a place to stay". I said "if you're interested in looking for more permanent housing, like a house or something, you can talk to one of the staff in the morning"... they were speechless, they looked at me like I was crazy, and then turned and walked away.

But the thing is, some of our clients do find housing, and what boggles my mind, is that almost all of them do it by themselves, without our help. One day they're with us, next day their gone, and we find out that they've gotten themselves a place. Often they get evicted and are back in a couple months, but at least for those two months they have something that's "theirs". Another thing that is a huge value statement. In society, we value what belongs to us, we value possessions and individual ownership, who am I to say that housing is the "right" answers to the homelessness "problem". In my city, social assistance gives funding to people for housing, and per diem rates to our shelter. It's the same person paying no matter which place they stay.

Another thing we really value is personal responsibility. One of the other feelings I hide, is the feeling that many of our clients are simply not taking responsibility for their lives and actions. It makes me really mad, when they drink, and use drugs all day (evening) and then expect us to come up behind them, give them a place to sleep it off, give them food, and in general, care for them. And yet, I also feel like that's what we should be doing, giving people unconditional positive regard. Giving people a chance, and accepting them for who they are. That's basically why I became a social worker in the first place.

Like I said, I'm quite mixed up right now about things. Every now and then I think we all have those moments where everything we believed in and everything we think we know falls apart before our eyes and we have to pick up the pieces and put it all back together again.

sometimes we get what we want (and realize we're not sure we want it)

So after a lot of heart searching a consulting with a couple colleagues I trust, I decided I would talk to my boss about what happened, and what's been going with, the enforcer. It was hard, harder then I thought it would be. I discovered there's a blank space in my memory of the event, which kind of freaks me out. I don't remember how it ended. I remember being in the corner being yelled at, and I remember being on the phone, getting ready to pick up donations. I don't remember getting up, or the argument stopping.

Anyway, my boss says we have to all get together and talk. Which is of course, what I expected. However, now that it's happening, I'm less then enthused. It doesn't help that I'm hearing from other staff that they've tried to deal with the enforcer and nothing has changed. All that will happen is my boss is going to try and make him listen to my side of things, and then make me listen to his. And I need to of course try and get through this without crying.

My boss basically said well, this is what the enforcer is like. Well, you know what, that doesn't make it right! I don't care if it's him being him. That's like when I got told "boys will be boys" when I was being bullied in middle school. The bullies aren't supposed to win. You know what it is though, is seniority with the union, management can't touch him unless they have an incredibly good reason. And if anything happens, it's going to be me who winds up having to change shifts, something I don't want to have to do.

I think the worst part of this is, we're not going to meet until next Tuesday morning (because of the weekend and the fact that the enforcer and I have only 3 days on together not 5 (I work his days off and he works mine). But, my boss is phoning him today to give him notice for the meeting. That means i have minimum three shifts (probably four) during which I have to work with him, knowing we have to do this later.

I'm going to be honest right now, I mean if I can't be honest in my blog, where can I be honest, and say that this is really upsetting me. And honestly, I'm upset and embarrassed that it's getting to me. I'm crying more, about other things too, I'm grumpy and cranky, I'm tired all the time, and going to work just isn't good anymore when I know he's going to be there. I have to deal with this one way or another, and I'm glad I spoke up, but wow, I feel like total crap. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of feeling like crap. I thought once all the changes in my life were done things would level off for me, but then this happens and things seem to get even worse. I will get through this, but what will it cost me verses what will I gain!?

update on the dreamer

Time for an update on me, my life, and my cat. In brief, things are going well, however, that's not a real update, so I will elaborate slightly.

I haven't decided what to do about the enforcer. Thank you all for your supportive comments and thoughts. I looked into our respectful workplace policy, and our harassment policies, and talked to some coworkers. For now, I think I'm going to document, and hold my tongue. I've been the type to rush into things, and this, I want to do properly, and without haste. If I make a complaint, I want it to be for the right reasons and have enough documentation to show a pattern of behaviour.

Yoga is going very well. I feel SO awesome. I'm starting to notice myself doing things like standing up straighter and slouching less. Sometimes it's REALLY hard to make myself stay awake and go, but it really is worth it. I've set some goals, but only in terms of class attendance, once I'm there, I let my body be the guide.

The Sophie Cat is just amazing. Right now she's lying beside me being a "purry motor". She's lost over 10% of her body weight and it's made a huge difference. When bestest bud brings her camera over I'll take some pictures for the blog, or maybe I'll just buy a camera. Either way, pictures will happen soon. She's started running around, and playing with me and by herself. She no longer lives in my closet and under the couch, I'll come home and find her sitting on her pillow in the sun, or waiting for me on the mat by the door. She sleeps with me everyday, managing to hog most of the bed. I love her!

Church is going well too. I've been looking after an 11 month old every other week during the service, and she's so cute! She's my little dose of innocence. We walk, and play, and cuddle, and it reminds me of all the good in the world and how awesome God is. I've also been going to a really great Bible study, which has been really helpful in getting me out of the house and focusing on God.

So that's my life in a nutshell. Nothing too exciting, but not too boring either! Time for Sophie and I to curl up in a sunbeam and go to sleep!

Namaste

confidentiality

Confidentiality. All through school I've had it drilled into me. Confidentiality, confidentiality, confidentiality. And when are the times you can break confidentiality?

- Threat of harm to self
- Threat of harm to others
- Abuse of a child

And that's it. You can't just go around breaking people's confidentiality for other reasons. This is where the enforcer and I disagree.

The situation is this. We have someone in detox who may know some more details about how a woman died (I wrote about her a few entries ago, she was found on the street, gone). It may be that someone pushed her down the steps. During his detox intake he disclosed it to the worker (we're called "crisis workers") who shared it in shift change.

Now the enforcer seems to think that we have a duty to report this to the police and I disagree. I say we have to respect people's confidentiality and that all we can do is encourage this person to report it.

Unfortunately, that is not what came out of my mouth though, and here's where I created my entire problem which lead to our entire fight, and I should have known better. I said something like, "as I social worker the only time I can break confidentiality is - see above". This is when the lecture started. The lecture about how I'm not a social worker I'm a crisis worker, and I can't say I'm a social worker while I'm working because I'm not. I say I'm I social worker wherever I am. That I am a registered social worker and breaking people's confidentiality like that could make me lose my registration with my professional institute.

The enforcer starts getting really mad, tells me that it doesn't matter. That I have to follow agency policy, which is to report things (since when?), and that I'll be prosecuted if I don't. He has me cornered, yelling at me, and my supervisor (who I love) jumps into it too, telling me I'm not a social worker there and I have to follow policy. The enforcer won't let me speak, keeps telling me I'm interrupting, so I let him have his thing. Then when I want to have a turn, he won't let me speak, and goes on about how hard I am to work with. This is when I exit to go the bathroom and cry.

When I'm semi calmed down, I go back upstairs and say "Okay, I'm taking into consideration what you said, I'll talk to our boss and my professional institute and work this out. I'm new at this whole social work thing, and still have a lot to work out". I go about my work, getting on my knees to fill up some sugar. The enforcer stands over and yells some more. I keep crying and remind him "I don't want to talk about it". "Why would you want to talk to our boss, don't talk to him". I tell the enforcer that if that's the policy I'll quit, because one job is not worth losing my registration over, and then the enforcer, my supervisor and I get into it again. I'm basically ready to quit my job on the spot, except it still seems like a really far fetched policy, and well, I like my job. a lot. So I leave. But just to go pick up some donations. It takes me an hour of driving, a clonazepam (klonopin) and some yoga breathing in a random parking lot, but by the time I come back, I'm actually mostly calmed down.

In the morning, I talk to my boss about it, first thing. Not the fight exactly, just what the policy is. Turns out, the policy is exactly what I wrote at the very beginning. My boss says "we're not the justice system, we'll never have any trust with these clients if we tried to be". So I was right, but it really doesn't feel very good at all, and I'm not planning on telling the enforcer that, why bother. I want to sit down with him and talk it out, but I don't think it's going to happen, at least not yet.

A collegue got to work the next day and already knew about our fight, how, they'd run into each other and the enforcer mentioned "I made still dreaming cry last night". Oh, so this is a point of bragging now? If I didn't love my job...

sexual harassment and me...sigh

I'm mad enough right now that I'm going to post a fairly real story. As usual, details and stuff have been changed, but really, I don't know how I could even begin to make this up. Did you now I have "buffalo breasts"? Because I didn't!

So I have this IDPA. He's crazy. And by that, I mean he's intoxicated and has a severe and persistent mental illness. I'm not one to use the word crazy, but in this instance, it seemed fitting. The police who gave him to me apologized for doing so. I said, oh, I'm sure it'll be fine, little did I know.

Stuck him in a cameraed cell...mistake (or well, actually a good thing). Guy gets naked and starts masturbating. Guy is very harassing towards me when I'm doing checks, but whatever, I'm ignoring him for the most part. This guy is very creative when it comes to finding ways to please himself, which is hard when all you have is a mat. I am trying very hard not to watch, but when he's not busy with himself, he's doing stuff like throwing himself against cement walls at high speed or shreding his mat into tiny pieces.

I have never been talked to the way this guy talked to me. Asking me to come "suck his dick" and offering me sex even though I'm "ugly". I won't get into it, but it was incredibely vulgar, and I had no choice but to ignore it, or argue, and I don't argue with intoxicated people. My supervisor came and told him to put "it" away and all he said was "isn't it big". So fine. I'm busy ignoring him. Then the police come to drop off another IPDA, and this, is why I'm mad. And, I don't have to protect their privacy, only my IPDA's.

So anyway, one of the cops sees my IPDA who by now has semen all over his cell and window. Cop tells IPDA that I'm at the front laughing at him masturbating for the camera (yes, he was totally thinking of me, and looking right at the camera). So then the police officer comes over, around the counter to my side, and tells me what he told the IPDA (i couldn't hear because it was the other end). Then he says "so are you watching" I said "no, actually I'm trying not to, he's been harassing me all night". Then the officer says "I so caught you, you like it, I know you liked it, I'm just going to go tell him how much you like it", and then he takes off down the hall, again, I couldn't hear what he said. There was more to the conversation, but yeah. The freaking cops are egging the guy on, and harassing me. BAH!

So, I talked to my supervisor, who got me to file an incident report. Talked with my boss this morning, who's never dealt with this before, but is glad I reported it and is going to talk to our executive director about it... he also lost the incident report in the 24 hours between me reading it and talking to him... i should have photocopied it... oops. I hope he finds it, because it has the best description of the incident. Also the car number of jerk face. Sigh. We'll see what happens, hopefully something. I mean, i'm not a big whiner, and I can deal with intoxicated people being jerks, but the police, they're supposed to be professionals.

false promises

I'm getting sick of the police telling our IPDA's things they know aren't true. It makes dealing with them a lot harder, because they blame us when their expectations aren't met.

For example: Blankets. We do no provide blankets for our shelter let alone our IPDAs. Even if we don't talk about how much extra laundry that would be and the time and expense associated with that, we can't give them blankets. We need to be able to check if they're breathing every 15 minutes. If they were covered with a blanket, that would be pretty hard. Plus, many of our IPDA's try to hurt/kill themselves. We can't give them another tool. They already have to have all strings, belts, hairties, earings etc removed.

Next example: You'll be in out in time for work. Well no, you probably won't be. Especially if you work at 6AM and you were brought in at 3PM. Policy (it might even be law) specifies you must be kept for 4 hours unless you're transfered to ambulance, police or a responsible adult, and we do that very rarely. Even then, if you're not sober after 4 hours we're not releasing you. We have the right to keep you up to 24. We wouldn't do that, but we could. If you're still drunk after 12 hours we're probably calling non emerg ambulance to assess you and transport you because there's probably something else going on. One time, a guy went balistic on me and threw the phone across the room when he found out he was 3 hours late for work. I only kept him 6 hours, and he was sober when I let him out, but WOW.

Last example (for today): Water. I hate it when the police people that we'll bring them water. Because we might, but we definitely don't have to, and it's our judgement, not the cop's that matters. If my IPDA ss freaking out, I'm not opening the door to give them water! One of my coworkers got bowled over by an IPDA when he did that, and I'm just not comfortable with that. I will give water to the regulars, or quiet, well behaved IPDA's. I will also give water closer to the end of their time. NOT in the first hour or two. I just don't feel it's safe. I also give water to people who've taken E, they're usually all lovey dovey anyway, and that stuff dehydrates you like crazy - so I read, I've never tried it. I also only give out water when there's time. If I'm really busy, too bad. People complain that it's a basic human right, and it is. But, so is safety. If we had more staff, maybe. And I ALWAYS give water on discharge.

We had a rookie cop in this week. I told him what's what. It was funny. He looked younger then me, and trust me, I look YOUNG. I told him a bunch of stuff he shouldn't do, and I definitely told him not to make false promises!

No room at the inn

Last night it was cold and rainy. Obviously the shelter filled up quickly. We only have room for 60 people, and having 60 people is really really pushing it. It means that every single mat is full and so people are squished side by side each other.

The shelter closes as 6AM, at which time we kick people out. There are other places starting to open up, and we let people back in for 7AM soup anyway. We need that hour to get everything clean and sanitary. So, naturally, there's a time where we stop letting people in for the night, especially if we're almost full (and by that I mean 58-59 people). At 5AM it's just not a great idea to let someone in to sleep, and so we have policy around that.

Yesterday a woman came to the door around 5AM soaking wet from the rain. Our closed sign was prominently displayed, but she was banging on the window. I had to talk to her and tell her that we were closed and full. She argued that she was freezing, but my hands were "tied". I turned down the microphone, and turned away, I had to leave her standing there. We don't give away blankets, so I couldn't even do that for her.

How hardened am I, that I could just turn away and continue my work with barely a second thought? How hardened am I, that I could come home, eat a bagel and sleep for 18 hours not thinking of her once? Or, have a simply learned the good and healthy boundaries that will keep me from going insane and burning out in this job.

let me pee in peace!

Yesterday at work I discovered that our (client) bathroom doors do not have locks. To be honest, I was appalled. I mean, really. I find that in humane. But of course, like with most things, I've discovered there's a reason. People sniff/use other drugs in our bathrooms all the time. People have seizures in our building; often. Basically, we need to be able to access the bathrooms at all times. On the other hand though, especially as a woman, I just wouldn't feel safe with that. As a man too though. Yesterday a guy opened the door without knocking, closed it when he realized there was someone in their, and then opened it and started talking to the person. The guy came out fighting mad! Granted, the man doing the talking has some mental health issues, but it was still inappropriate. And, it wouldn't have happened if the bathroom locked. I think there should be a way we can get doors that lock from the inside but open with a key from the outside. Then staff could get in if there was a problem, but clients could have a little privacy, in the midst of lives with almost none.

First Day of Training

My orientation went well enough yesterday...kind of boring, lots of PHIA stuff I already knew. I started training today. Seriously, whose idea was it to start shift at 7:30. I realize that's common, but argh, I am just so not good with mornings. Tomorrow I'm on evenings and the back on days for Saturday. We'll see how things go I guess.

I spent all of today in the Intoxicated Persons Detention Area (IPDA) aka the city's "drunk tank". IPDA was...interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It raises some ethical issues for me in a way, but not. I understand the reason for it and seeing the people that were brought in today I totally understand the way it is the way it is. It is just hard to see in someways.

Basically my role in IPDA is to process intakes and discharges and make sure no one dies. The intake process is far too complex and sure there are many ways it could be made more efficient, but alas, who has time for that? This is generally how it works, except when we get behind.

1. The police or downtown watch (BIZ) bring in an intoxicated person picked up for causing a disturbance or being a danger to self/others (ie blindly stumbling across the road). They bring this person to us.

2. While the officers strip the person of all possessions and everything but one layer of clothes, I try to establish their name, medical conditions, medications and current intoxicant. Sometimes this is aided by police or they're frequent customers. Once I have their name I can search them in the data base and get some of the medical stuff as well.

3. I choose a cell. Some have cameras and some don't. We save the cameras for people with seizures, other severe medical issues or who are especially upset or combative. The officers pat down the client and make sure they have nothing, and then escort them to the cell which automatically locks.

4. I make an itemized list of all their possessions and count the money etc... we make note of every last scrap of paper "personal papers". I also get the details of the incident, where they were picked up, the unit numbers of the officers and the incident number. Then the officers have to sign off. They get a receipt for the client they brought in.

5. I fill out the rest of this form which indicates all the medical details, birthday, condition on arrival etc... Then I enter it all into the computer as well.

6. I fill out a form for "punches" (not nearly as physical as it sounds).

7. Then I fill out the log which basically repeats information I've already put in two or three places. There is nothing new on it.

8. Then I add the client to my cell map so I know what time they were in and who is where so I can easily tell the officers where to put new people.

9. Somewhere in this process I store the clients stuff in a locker which corresponds to their cell number. Rubber gloves and plastic bags are of the essence. If they have more then 20$ I have to do another whole form and get the shift coordinator to sign it. The money goes in an envelope in the safe.

And that, is intake.

Now while this is all going on, I also have to be doing "punches". We have a time clock at the very back and we have to turn the key every 15 minutes. We also have to check and make sure every person is breathing. We look for chest movement or listen for breathing through the window...it's not as hard as I thought it would be. Then we have to fill in their form with whether they're awake or sleeping, if there's any movement and our employee number. Every two hours we have to wake them up...bang on the door, shout, whatever it takes.

And lastly, we have to keep discharging people when they sober up. The minimum stay is 4 hours and the max is 24. Most people are in for 8 or less. It can depend what they're on though, and today we had a guy in for 12 cause he kept refusing to go...he wanted to sleep! To discharge them we just talk to them, ask them a few questions, try and figure out if they're sober enough to go. Then we have to walk them out, offer them a phone call, get them to sign a form (two if its night time) and then give them their stuff back. Then we have to fill out a bunch more paperwork in five places. PLUS a cleaning sheet.

After a person leaves, we have to clean, although it's good to let it air out for a while... Then we have to mop, refill the toilet paper, scrub the mat and prop the door open to air. And then of course, fill out some more paperwork! But, don't get too caught up in cleaning, or you'll forget to do punches! I need to buy a watch w/ timer asap, and some closed toed crocs.

So that was my first day. I had a great trainer who was easy to talk to so things weren't awkward there. I got free lunch, gotta love donations. And I got PAID! Such a differences from paying to do practicum.

Tomorrow is job interview at the church, meeting with my best friend and then working 3:30-midnight...so we'll see how things go!