What happened (as the Sophie cat reaches her paw across the key board getting in the way) is that I got scheduled to work eight shifts in a row. That's eight nights of homelessness, addictions and intoxication..in a row. It was a scheduling "error", sort of, but it couldn't be fixed easily, and I got stuck doing it. Worst of all, because it occurs over two pay periods it's not overtime. Today is shift seven, I left after only three hours yesterday on shift six because I couldn't handle it anymore. That and I choked on a pretzel and basically stopped breathing for a couple seconds and then puked and coughed and hacked and puked and cried infront of my coworkers. Mostly though I was just so exhausted, and my headached, and people were fighting in the shelter. I just could not stand the thought of having to go down into the drunk tank later that I went home. Plus the enforcer was upset with me about something I chuckled at during shift change and was trying to pull some sort of explanation out of me, looking for my secret plot I guess, but I don't have one, REALLY, no secret plot.
Anyway, I can already feel the tension building up in me, and I'm on the verge of tears, less then an hour till work. I do NOT want to have take drugs to go to work, but one of those clonazepam I have sure seems like a good idea. My doctor always says "take them, it's better to take them then not", but to tell you the truth I've taken maybe 7 since May when she prescribed them - up to two a day. I like my Effexor, but for the most part clonazepam seems like a cop out. The enforcer always goes on a rant about how people with mental health issues shouldn't work at our job, he's wrong, but if only he knew about my anxiety, what would he think of me then!?
Giving myself some persective on the situation and looking at the big picture helps. I only have two more days of this and in just over 3 weeks I'm going to visit best friend for a whole WEEK! My job can be made hard by having something which is probably GAD but it's under control and I've worked hard at that, I CAN do my job, and I AM good at it. While tonight seems hopeless there's a possibility of getting a better job on the other side of our building doing actual social work (not that what I do isn't social work, but it's more...traditional then watching drunk people sleep). I'm going to apply for it as soon as it's posted, and since I know I was close last time, hopefully I get it this time! Otherwise, I am probably leaving this job and this organization for somewhere more professional anyway.
The truth is, I have it pretty good, but feeling crappy is okay. I have a hard two nights ahead of me, and I'm tired. It's okay to be tired. I will do the best that I can do tonight and that's all that I can do. I also won't eat pretzels, lol. I'm going to put on clothes, start the car, gather my stuff, and I am going to go to work. I am going to try and pay attention to the good things, and I am going to do this, one way or another, I'm going to do this.
oh...and I'll have to feed the cat of course, not that she'd let me forget, she's staring at me as I type just waiting...