dear intoxicated person

Dear Intoxicated Person,

It has come to my attention that there are some issues we need to address. You've been getting upset a lot lately, and frankly, it's starting to get to me. Here are some basic ground rules to follow during your stay in the intoxicated persons detention area while being detained under the intoxicated persons detention act.

1. You do not have the right to a phone call. You will get one, I promise you, when you are released. Your lawyer does not want to hear from you at 4AM drunk, 75 year old mother doesn't want you to wake her up, and if your wife's the phone who phoned the police, well, she probably doesn't want to hear from you either.

2. We do not give out blankets. Blankets obstruct our view, and our job is to keep you safe, we have to be able to tell if you're breathing. No matter what you tell me, I will not give you a blanket.

3. I do rounds every fifteen minutes, this is when I will talk to you. No matter how many times you kick your door I will not come any sooner. Now, If you were to yell, "I'm having chest pains" or "I can't breath", that would be a different story, then, I would come very quickly, and help you.

4. On that note, if you tell me you're having chest pains, I WILL call and ambulance, and they WILL take you to the hospital, who has the option of sending you back if you're fine. Chest pains are not a get out of a jail free card although you will get that blanket you wanted...until you get back.

5. I am not opening your door to give you water, particularly if you're angry, violent, harassing and call me a bitch (or one of those million other things I've been called). That just doesn't work for me. If I have time, you're polite, and you've been there awhile, then I will consider opening that door.

6. If the police didn't get you a mat, it was for a reason. Chances are you were violent, or you have a history of shredding our mats. Or, maybe you were just the unlucky 18th, 19th or 20th person, and have to pay for the other people who've shredded our mat's mistakes. Whatever the reason, I'm still not opening the door to give you a mat no matter how hard you kick.

7. By law, I have to hold you 4 hours, even if I think you're stone cold sober. I have the right however, to hold you up to 24, and I cannot be sued, or charged for this. IPDA is busy, with people constantly in and out. I cannot guarantee when you'll be out, and it honestly depends a lot on you anyway. I will not let you out after 4 hours if I don't think you are ready.

8. Being from the suburbs does not make you better then the other people in there, in fact, many of them are from the suburbs as well. Telling me you're "not like them" will not raise my opinion of you. And, it won't get you out.

9. Type 2 diabetes is not a free ticket out of the drunk tank. Neither is arthritis. You knew you had these conditions, and yet you chose to drink to the point of high intoxication. I don't feel sorry for you. you made your choice.

10. I will not let you kill yourself, but if you did, it is not my fault, even if you tell me it is. See the thing is, if you're trying to kill yourself, I will get the police to take away all objects in your room, including your bra, socks, and clothes if necessary.

So there you have it IPDA, behave, I see drunk people every day, I'm not making an exception for you.

Love from,

The girl who locks you up.