Well, it's the end of day 21 now...

I'm not sure what to write. Things just keep going. I've done 21 out of 30 days now, which is wonderful. My elbow hurts, my thumb hurts and my ankle hurts, but I'm seeing the phsyiotherapist on Wednesday so we'll see what she says. We brainstormed about my elbow already and somehow I managed to fix one side but not the other... random.

I've had at least one more day of tearful yoga, but yesterday and today were both nice and calm. I'm skipping all sun salutations and vinyasa flows to give my elbow a break, and I think that might actually be why. Less heart opening for starters. Yoga has felt very good the past two days. I've been doing the Moksha series, as opposed to Hot Flow which is different every time, and it's nice to fall into familiar patterns and know what's coming next. If I could drag myself out of bed at 6AM I'd love to go to the Silent class on Tuesday and be able to really sink into things. It's just not happening though.

So yoga = good. My body = sore. Life = well, life?

Sophie Cat

This is how Sophie Cat greets me every day when I come home from work. If I come home at the wrong time however, no greeting for me.

Day 12, 13, 14

Remember how on Day 11 I wound up in tears by the end of yoga class? Day 12 I had to stop myself from giggling, which was super nice, and a totally different reaction to a totally different kind of yoga. I went with a friend and we went out for dinner and talked afterwards. Wonderfulness :)

Day 13, yoga in the park. 600+ people all doing yoga, as a fundraiser, outside in the sunshine. I loved the feeling of yoga in the grass, lying in savasana with my whole body truly sinking into the ground. More wonderfulness.

Day 14. That's today. Today I did two classes, a more intense one and a very restorative one. I'm fairly sure I'll be sore tomorrow, but you never know. It felt good to spend that time in the hot room. To just breathe. (And work my butt off) But especially to just breathe. Even more wonderfulness.

Day 11 - Cultivating Peace

By the end of yoga today I was crying. Not because of physical pain, although both my ankle and my elbow were hurting, and not because I was particularly exhausted, but just because I was crying. I'm not sure what triggered exactly, perhaps simply that my body doesn't always move the way I'd like it to, but I really think it was more than that. There's a lot of stress in my life right now, and stress tends to come out in our bodies. I don't know if yoga released some of that, or brought it to the surface or what, but there was something going on there. Tomorrow I'm doing some nice, basic, hatha yoga. Stretching in the hot room, but not Sun Salutations, no Flows and no rushing.

I sent this as an email update to friends, so perhaps I'll add it here as well.

I know I haven't been the most talkative this week, but I wanted to update you all on what's going on (for some of you you're jumping in in the middle here because I've been bad with updates, but here's what's going on).

My grandma (my father's mother) has pneumonia. As I last heard she is still conscious and eating (as long as it's pureed, she is no longer able to chew or to swallow hard foods) and is taking antibiotics. She is on oxygen and she is not expected to be able to beat the pneumonia and has been moved to palliative care.

My father is going out to see my grandma (across the country) and say goodbye. I am driving him to the airport tomorrow morning. Although he initially wanted me to come, we decided it would be better if I stayed here to look after my mother and came out for her funeral, either this trip, or a trip in the future. He is planning on returning on Wednesday.

We found out on Tuesday that my mother's chemotherapy did not work and her tumor has grown. The tumor coats many of the major organs in her abdomen including her intestines, lungs, and liver. They have decided to try my mother on a different kind of chemotherapy, however there are potentially lethal side effects associated with it and she has to be very careful. At this point the chemotherapy is simple to extend her life, there is no hope of a cure.

In addition to the cancer my mother has developed a blood clot in her leg which runs from her groin down into her calf. She was on injectable blood thinners at the hospital all last week but seems to have been stabilized on warfarin for now. I am taking her to the hospital tomorrow where they will check her levels and do care of the pic line she has in her arm for chemo.

In summary, at this point, I'm staying in the city and my father's going away. But, I'm also back to that uncertain place of not knowing when I might be flying across the country.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. In particular my father who is leaving his very sick wife to say goodbye to his dying mother. Please also pray for my mother as she will spending a lot of time on her own in the upcoming days. And of course please pray for my sister has she is placed into the role of primary house keeper. And me, as I try and make sure that everything comes together, is taken care of, and everyones needs are met.

Day 10

My.body.hurts. I'm not sure what it is about today, but my body hurts. A lot. Maybe it's the fact that I did a 90 minute class today as opposed to my usual 60, but I'm definitely rather sore. Then again, my body hurt somewhat before yoga as well...so I suppose it's probably cumulative.

I don't have any amazing reflections about patience or learning today. Mostly, I'm just at a point where I need to push through. Maybe I'll be deeper tomorrow. So instead, here's pictures of my cats.

Day 9

Today was the hardest day of the challenge yet for me. It was seriously hard to motivate myself to get to yoga. I felt horrible today, emotionally as well as somewhat physically, and I left work early cause I didn't feel like bursting into tears at my desk. I came home, climbed into bed, and fell asleep. Then of course I had to get up for yoga. Which really was a good thing, because it meant I couldn't completely screw up my sleep schedule.

At yoga, there was a new teacher, which is fine, if we hadn't also had 3 new staff start at work (two today, one last Wednesday). I can only deal with so much change and I feel like my life is in a state of constant flux. I had a bit of a hard time letting go of the teaching/teacher and sinking into my yoga. She did things a bit differently, and it just, wasn't working for me... or something. I dunno.

So, things I learned today: Sometimes it's okay to just give up, go home and take a nap. It really was what I needed. I really did need to not be at work for a while (despite just coming off a long weekend). Not knowing if I'm flying half way across the country to go see my grandma, is kind of getting to me. And mom's chemo isn't working...which I'd already guessed, but still.

Day 7 and 8

I've now passed the one week mark on my 30 day journey and have spent more than 7 hours in hot room this week. Naturally, it's summer and rather hot outside, making me question why on earth I didn't choose to do this in the winter.

The first week has been great. It's been hard to fit the yoga in everyday and I often find my thoughts wandering to what I have on my mental to do list, what I'm going to have for dinner, or where I'm supposed to be next. Instead of getting angry with myself, I'm trying to let those things go and concentrate on breathing in the moment. Just paying attention to that moment, to that place and to the calmness of the yoga room; whatever's outside the room has to wait. In that hour I practice freeing myself from the stresses of life, the realities of my family dynamics and the frustrations of my job and concentrate only on my breathing and my body. The mental benefits are great.

In terms of physical benefits, I'm not so sure. It has only been a week. I'm doing this at the same time as physio and between the two I have days on which I'm pretty sore. That being said, I've been able to jump back into my practice at a place similar to where I left it before July 1st without too many negative consequences. While I'm still modifying/skipping some poses, for the most part, I'm right where I want to be. I've even noticed a bit of an increased range of motion in my ankle, despite the fact that I still can't kneel or sit cross legged.

All in all so far this has been a great experience. We'll see how the next 3 weeks go though, I've got lots going on so it'll be interesting to try and fit everything in.

Day 5 and 6

Day five and six get only one post because I was waaaaaaaaaaaay too tired last night to write anything coherent.

Yesterday was crazy. I had to get up an hour early to drive to the cat to the vet for his teeth cleaning. Then work, then physio (which was seriously a killer) and then back to the vet and then home with the cat, then yoga. I did have a smoothie in between physio and the vet thank goodness. My physiotherapist has me doing all these squats and lunches and this morning my butt is SO sore!

After yoga I stopped off at the grocery store and picked up a chicken and a salad as well as a couple other things and came home for what I thought was going to be a relaxing evening. It wasn't. Instead, before I'd even gotten into the shower my dad phoned to let me know that my grandmother has been made palliative and is going to die very soon...four provinces away. This of course throws my family into crisis since with mom so sick...

Today was a hard day for yoga. It was hard to get up, hard to get motivated and hard to stay motivated. It's almost as hot outside as it is in the hot room. However, I did it, and now I'm off to work at the shelter this evening. Perhaps more reflections will come later.

Day 4

It's day four, and I'm sore. Not horribly sore, but it's also not morning yet and I've done 3 hot flow classes in a row. Perhaps I'll take in a hatha class tomorrow, we shall see.

My first victory of the day was seeing how despite my ankle, my arm strength has really improved and I was able to hold crow pose (in the picture) for at least 5 seconds before I fell over. This is huge for me, because if you'd asked me two months ago if a 200+ lb girl would ever be able to hold an arm balance I probably would have said no. Yoga has been going well, despite the challenges I'm having fitting it into my day.

My other victory of the day was being able to tell my counsellor that since going back to yoga my mental health has been WAY better. I mean, I totally still have my moments (today I cried because I realized my mom would never knit my baby mittens) but things are going way better. She suggested that we not meet for a while, since I only get 12 sessions a year with her, and that I work on maintaining things on my own, using yoga for my healthy coping. So we'll see how it goes.

Day 3

Warrior pose. Today I am a warrior. Yesterday we found out that mom has a blood clot in her leg. It runs from her groin all the way to her calf and has slowly been growing. This is obviously not a good thing, and rather concerning. Mom's now receiving injectable blood thinners at the hospital everyday and taking Warfarin in the evenings. Chemo is bumped another week back. I have many thoughts about the chemo, but not today.

Today was a good yoga day. Much as there was some anxiety about fitting everything in and having to miss Wednesday church so that I could both do yoga AND work late (I've been missing a lot of time for physio) yoga went super well. I really surprised myself with my endurance and with the strength in my ankle. I mean, it's certainly not perfect, and the range of motion isn't there, but in terms of strength, not so bad.

What I learned today is patience. Patience with my body. Patience to say it's okay to do modifications on all my sun salutations because I just don't have the range of motion in my ankle to do an upward dog with both feet on the ground. Patience to know that I can't do a "proper" child's pose because I can't put that kind of weight on it. So, today I am a not just a warrior, I am a patient warrior.