Sunday, November 9, 2008

remembering




It's amazing how the things we did in our past can begin to invade our futures no matter how much we try to ignore them, forget them, or pretend they never happened. Nobody likes to remember their mistakes, especially the ones that affected us in a deep and painful way. While looking back and learning is good, sometimes the pain, just seems like too much.

There's a part of my life I rarely talk about, a part of my life that changed me and influenced the social worker I am today. Interestingly enough, it was a job I had, and organization I worked for, and the people I met there, people who were supposed to be professionals, and that I looked to for guidance, support, and professional example. A lot of things happened at this place, a lot of things I don't ever want to remember. And right now, a little piece of that, a piece in which I had a very non professional relationship with a client (though not sexual, don't worry) has come back to haunt me.

I no longer blame myself for everything that happened there. I was only 18 (well, 17-19 technically) and the people in charge were horrible examples, however it cannot be forgotten. Because now, this client, who called me her best friend, and whose kids I once "hid" from family services (looooong story), is now using our services. And that brings a piece of my past I'd like to erase slamming right back into my face whether I like it or not.

So far I've managed to avoid all contact, and I think I'll be able to continue doing so. We haven't talked in years (3?) and her children are in custody, I have no idea what a conversation would look like. Her presence however, brings up feelings in me I thought were gone, thoughts I considered dealt with, and new challenges to overcome in terms of being a professional.

Because, what's important to realize, is even though we change, our past is still there, and we have to learn to deal with it's consequences in the present.

2 comments:

cb said...

That sounds really tough. I guess the situation will present itself in time. And you are right about confronting it. You can run but you can't hide.. so to speak. Hope it all works out ok.

Caroline said...

Hard situation, but harder for you because you are a harsh critic of yourself..whatever you did was done from kindness, and maybe ignorance, but not from malice...hope things work out ok