Day 3 of Homeopathy - Why it sucks when you're the "expert"

So, two different subjects, one post, because it all ties together. Subject one, suicide, subject two, Ignatia Amara. Let's begin with subject two.

So the homeopathic remedy my naturopath has me on is called Ignatia, and it's for grief and balancing emotions and stuff. It can make things worse before it makes things better. It's definitely made things worse, or at least psychosomatically so, I'm not sure. Nausea. Ick. Bleck. Nausea. And lack of appetite, but the nausea feels better when I eat. random. Lack of interest. Yup, I've got that. It goes along with the "lump" in my throat. Exhaustion, oh yeah. I've slept eight and a half hours two nights in a row and still been tired, despite my b12 shot on Monday. Hopefully things get better soon!

Subject 1, suicide. Without going into too much detail, there's this girl I know, younger than me, but still over 18, and she's quite depressed. I've been a non-professional support for her for four or five years now, and I know her quite well (far better then she knows me). Here's the thing though, right now she's quite suicidal from what I can ascertain and really not doing well. We both think she needs to go to hospital, but she is scared of going and keeps putting up barriers. I offered to take her tonight, but no go, barriers put up. So we're at a stand still.

Now here's the thing, if she was a client, instead of a friend, I could leave this at work. I could leave this in the client's hands, provide them with resources, write a safety plan, and I could go home. But as a friend, she has my cell phone number, and that's how we've been talking, text messages. It's harder for me to set aside, because I care about her a lot (not that I don't care about my clients and worry about them as well, but it's a different kind of relationship). But I'm stuck. She's not actively suicidal, or if she is, she's not telling me, so I really can't call the police. I've had to call the police for people before, and it's not fun, even when they're standing in front of you telling you that they're going to walk out the door and hang themselves, and they've got the rope already. The police would not be interested in this. I also don't have enough "evidence" to go to the magistrate and try and get a "form" so that she's forced to be assessed in hospital. I have given her all the crisis resources, I have been through safety planning with her, I've done all the "right" things, and now it's time to let go.

Here's how this all ties together though. Among other people who are friends with this person, I am "the expert". I'm not an expert in this at all, but I'm the one they all turn to when things aren't going well for this friend. There is no one else for me to call, they could call me, but that's where it stops. This friend has a counsellor, but I'm not in contact with them, because I'm not a professional in this case as I've told her many times. I'm not at my best right now, I'm really not. But there's no one to pass this responsibility off on. I just don't seem to have it in me to tell my suicidal friend with very little support, yeah, I'm feeling "off" today, can you feel like dieing another day? I have of course set some limits and boundaries, and I definitely took some me time for self care today where I completely ignored the phone, but it's still hard. I guess it's never going to be "easy" though, when a friend is feeling suicidal, no matter how good a place I'm in. I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings!

My Naturopath

It's been a while since I blogged and I wanted to share something that I've done that seems to be making a really big difference in my life and encompasses a lot of things that I try and incorporate in my social work practice.

I started seeing a Naturopath after my massage therapist referred me to one. He thought they might be able to help with my body's seeming inability to maintain healthy iron levels. Well so far it hasn't helped with that, but it's helped with a lot of other stuff!

My naturopath is great. Costly, but great. She works as part of a group of naturopaths practicing family medicine in my city. Our first meeting was almost entirely talking, for an hour and a half. She really took the time to listen to me and get a very thorough medical history from me, plus a brief physical exam. She ran some blood tests as well, gave me a b12 shot, and started me on some higher quality vitamins then what I was already on.

Since I started seeing her, I've lost 22 pounds my body was carrying around, and really, I just feel quite a bit better (except of course for this depression type thing). She discovered I had a bit of a sluggish thyroid, not low enough for my doctor to have noticed I guess, but she put me on some herbs for it, and it really helped perk me up a bit. We're also doing an asthma diet, so I'm not eating eggs, wheat or dairy (not as bad as it sounds).

The really good thing about her though is that she listens, and she remembers. So if I tell her about something, three weeks later she'll be able to ask me about it and check in with me about how it's going. Although I'm still not 100% certain she "gets" me, I did somehow find it in me to open up a bit about how numb I've been feeling. She had lots of ideas of things to put me on (she's always full of ideas), but we're starting with a homeopathic remedy for grief and emotional balancing. And more accupuncture.

Another thing I like about my naturopath is that she is continually doing research and finding out about new things to try. She often has textbooks out when I come in, and she'll say things like "I've been reading about this... that we can try". For me that shows that while she sees me for 45 minutes every few weeks, she is still thinking about and working on my issues while I'm not there.

Final cool thing for this post, and I think the thing that connects it with my practice as a social worker. I went to my Naturopath for a very physical thing, my anemia. That was really my only goal. I'm still stuck on 3 iron pills a day to maintain my iron levels, BUT I have more energy, I've lost weight, my body/stomach are happier with me, and I'm starting work on this emotion business of mine. It reminds me of how my clients come to our program for help finding and keeping a job, but often we work on SO much more then that. People are integrated, they're not just one issue, work is just a piece of the puzzle. A big important piece perhaps, but just a piece none the less.

I wish I still had bad coping skills?

So here's the thing. I'm house hunting, and the market where I live is completely a sellers market. I was out bid on a house 2 weeks ago, that went for 20000 over the asking price, and then yesterday I lost a house I REALLY wanted because it went for 30000 over the asking price.

To say I was upset, would be an understatement. I don't know if it was the new homeopathy, the massage I got that day, being depressed, or something, but man I lost it. I cried for like 2 hours straight, just couldn't stop. I sat on the floor of my shower with hot, hot water pounding down on me and just sobbed. This was arguably a good experience for me, as it helped me release some of the pent up emotion inside me, that was sort of the goal of this whole journaling and opening up thing after all!

The amusing (now) part of this all was the conversation I was having with myself while sitting on the floor of the shower. Basically, one part of my mind was thinking of every unhealthy coping skill it could and the other half of my brain was shooting it down. One part of my brain was being incredibly black and white, and the other half was adding shades of grey. And let me tell you, I feel like in the moment it would have been SO much easier to be in the black and white negative side. Why? Perhaps a few examples.

1. A: You should cut yourself, cutting yourself would help you feel better. B: Yeah, but then I'd have scars and I'd be mad at myself, and even though it would feel good in the moment, it would hurt later. A: Well, you need to shave your legs anyway, and if the razor just, slipped... B: So, not shaving my legs tonight then, razor gets nowhere near me. A: then how are we going to make the feelings stop? B: I don't know...

2. A: Well, why don't we have a drink. I know you have some Kahlua kicking around. B: Yeah, that sounds good, wait, no, not only do I not want to do something stupid while intoxicated, knowing my luck, I'll find up sick and/or hungover.

3. A: Well, you're never going to get a house at this rate. You can't afford one, you might as well give up, it's impossible. B: I've only seen SIX houses and offered on two. I know the market sucks, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. A: Yeah, but you're never going to find another house that's just right for you. B: That's what I thought after the first house two, and then I saw the second house...

And so things went on from there, and the font on this blog entry decided it didn't want to be straight forward either. In anycase, I just so badly wanted to be able to yell and scream and do something destructive or give up, or quite, or something, anything, to make it all go away. But, the rational, self aware part of my brain that teaches CBT skills just wouldn't let me. Which is good to know, but is SO FRUSTRATING in the moment.

I don't know if this entry makes any sense. I'm getting sleepy, but I really wanted to try and get some of this out there.

To sum up, although my life is SO much better with all the coping skills I've learned, it also makes things more complicated, and at times I really do miss some of those negative options.

Look at me, writing an entry

My naturopath seems to think I should start writing again. She's probably right. Now granted, she meant journaling, but I think this is actually more therapeutic for me, and it's certainly "easier". Slightly less deep then what journaling could turn into.

Experiencing multiple loses in a short period of time, as well as having an emotionally intense job, a busy schedule, and friends who are having difficulties of there own, has in my case, led to a bit of emotional numbness. I get to try some homeopathy, which could make me worse before it helps, and I'm supposed to journal every day. We'll see.

In truth, except for my flat affect, life is pretty good. I've been looking at houses, which shoudl be more exciting than it is. I put an offer on one, didn't get it, and am putting an offer on another one tomorrow. I really like the one I'm offering on tomorrow and am praying very hard that I get it. Then of course comes packing, and moving...

Still president of our union local at work. Went to a good workshop on bargaining as we're renegotiating our collective agreement in April. I'm not quite sure when I'm going to find the time for bargaining, but here's hoping it doesn't take long. It's hard, because much as I stand in solidarity with my coworkers, I want to make sure I don't leave my clients at the wayside as they're the reason all of us got into this in the first place.

Perhaps that's enough writing for today. I'll be back tomorrow! Hopefully with more social work excitement as opposed to my dysthimic ramblings.

Detox Day 12

Today is Day 12 of my detox. That means only three days left after today! Starting Tuesday morning I get to slowly start adding foods back in and readjusting my body to a wide range of foods. 4 more yoga classes and I'm taking a day off from going to the studio. I will likely do something at home, but definitely not heading to the hot room. It's wonderful and lovely, but it'll be nice to have a break.

Yesterday was a not great day. I've been really tired throughout this and yesterday just seemed like a very grumpy day. I was not in the mood to head to the yoga studio, but off I went. I was somewhat dreading my flow class, but felt like once I was in the room I would feel better, and I did, and then our teacher started talking about Agni Namaskar - a salute to the Hindu fire God, 108 prostrations (push-ups) in one yoga class. And so that's what we did. I've done it before, and I'll probably do it again at some point, but wow, that's a lot of push-ups, and it didn't exactly help my bad mood.

I looked back though, and I realized that this is the point in the 30 day challenge I did during which I started to have a really hard time and get really emotional. If experience is my guide, then I know that once I get through the next couple of days, things will be better. We'll see how it goes though, right now I'm feeling pretty much totally exhausted.

Detox Day Nine

I am more than halfway done my detox, thank goodness. The first week was rough, and at times I REALLY felt like quiting. It's never good when I start falling asleep during counselling sessions. I feel horrible because I actually cut one short simply because I could not keep my eyes open and I thought it would be better if we had a short session rather than me fall asleep. I don't know if it was from caffeine withdrawal, lack of gluten, or just overall exhaustion from all the yoga, but it was pretty rough. This week I started with a B12 shot at the naturopath though, so hopefully that makes a difference as well.

Looking at this week, things seem to be going pretty well. I did a good grocery shop (complete with a grocery list!) on Saturday, so that I had the food I would need for the week. On Sunday afternoon I sat down and cut up a whole bunch of vegetables so it would be easy to put them into things - I also boiled some beets so they would be ready to eat. After yoga Sunday night I cooked a big pot of lemon/chili soup with lentils, brown rice and a whole bunch of vegetables. Despite the fact that lentils are NOT my favourite food, it's actually pretty good.

In terms of yoga, I did a restorative practice on Sunday, and yesterday's flow class felt AMAZING. I really feel as though I do have more energy and that my body has gotten stronger, which I find pretty wonderful. When I did my 30 day challenge I was having to modify a lot because my ankle was still quite injured and my elbow was bothering me. This time my body seems fairly free of aches and pains. In fact, I find myself pushing myself fairly hard in yoga and not having the sore muscles the next day I might have in the past. Now this could be because I'm in better shape, or, as I suspect, it might have something to do with the difference in my eating. It will be interesting to see as I add foods back in what kind of a difference things make.

Speaking on adding foods back in, Tuesday I get to add my first food back in and I have yet to decide what it will be. Most people expect me to pick coffee as number one, but I'm not sure. While I really like coffee and I miss it, it might be good to be coffee free for a while. It's certainly cheaper and it makes life easier not having to think about fitting coffee into my life. Gluten will be nice to add back in as well, but finding gluten that doesn't contain eggs, milk etc... will make it harder. I'll add dairy back in as well, but I know you have to do that slowly or it can really upset your stomach. SO, I'm thinking the first thing I add back will be tomatoes!!! I really, really, miss tomatoes. I can't wait to have tomato sauce, tomatoes, salsa etc...

The trauma of buying a bridesmaid dress

So, I am in the wedding of one of my very good friends and favourite yoga buddy. This of course means wearing a dress. Now to give my friend credit, she picked very wonderful dresses, in fact, I really like my dress! It's even my favourite colour. That does not however lessen the trauma of buying said dress.

See, the thing is, this whole experience could have been very NON traumatic. The attitude of the sales staff resulted in that not being the case. I'm a larger person, I know I'm larger, and for the most part, I'm okay with that! I'm fully aware that I'm not a size 6 or something like that. So when I tried on the sample dress, in a plus size, I was most definitely not offended when she suggested that I go up a size. I figure, hey, I want the dress to fit, does it matter what the number says? I certainly don't want to look like a sausage at the wedding. Anyway, when I had on the sample dress she got all whispery and made it seem like it would be horribly awful if I got the bigger size even though it would fit better. She kept stressing how it was my decision, but did I want to ask my mom, or my sisters, or get more opinions or whatever. She did this to all of us. Not impressed.

So, even though I went in there with healthy self esteem and body image, I left feeling kind of dirty and gross about myself. For the bridesmaids who went in with a not so good body image, well, it left one of them almost in tears. And so, once again, I reiterate, people, it's JUST a number. Focus on being healthy and happy not on what size your dress is!

Yoga Detox Challenge

Monday, I began a new challenge. I thought it would be a fairly simple challenge. 15 days of being a vegan, 15 days of hot yoga; at the same time of course. However, it turns out to be a full naturopathic liver detox. That looks basically like this...

I CAN eat Beans of all types. I CAN'T eat meat, eggs, fish, soy

I CAN eat Brown Rice, Brown Rice Pasta, Quinoa etc... I CAN'T eat Wheat, Rye, Barley, Oats, Spelt, Kamut, White or Whole Wheat Flour

I CAN eat Most Vegetables. I CAN'T eat tomatoes, eggplant, white potatoes, corn, mushrooms

I CAN eat Most Fruits. I CAN'T eat oranges, bananas, melons, dried fruit, fruit juices

I CAN eat Most Nuts and Nut butters. I CAN'T eat peanuts, corn oil, canola oil, vegetable oil, butter, margarine

I CAN eat Rice milk, Almond Milk, Herbal Tea, Green and White and Red tea, seat salt, herbs and spices. I CAN'T eat Alcohol, Coffee, Sugar, Vinegar, Dairy, MSG, Preservatives, Sulphates

In other words, it's crazy intense. So far the hardest thing has been that I can't have gluten. Well, and the intense caffeine withdrawal. More then one person in chemical withdrawal has told me that coming off coffee is harder than coming off cocaine. It definitely was not easy, especially because unlike someone in a detox unit, I went to work and couldn't sleep through the pain. My head hurt, I was sweating, confused, and just plain unable to concentrate. Yoga felt kind of like death. I spent the last 30 minutes just lying on the ground feeling like I was going to pass out.

Another thing about this detox is that I have to actually cook. They don't make processed foods without all that stuff in them. This created a lot of anxiety for me, not so much around the actual cooking, but around finding the time to actually cook. That and some of the money I had to spend on buying better food. I'm sure it'll all pay off, it's just slightly frustrating in the here and now.

Oh, and there's the emotions. It seems to kind of be creating an emotional out pouring which I'm not so used to. I'm sure it's good, but it's hard.

So detox, so far, so good?

The homelessness problem...

I took this picture a couple years ago of an empty "camp out" under a bridge where someone had been sleeping. I worked at the shelter last night, in the actual shelter not the drunk tank or detox and had some interesting conversations with a coworker about how, in a nation as rich as Canada, people could live like this. We of course didn't come to any conclusions, but I realized how much my perspective has shifted in the past few years.

Something I have been reminded about time and time again over the past year is choices. We all make choices, each and every day, and the choices we make have a HUGE outcome on our lives. It is fine and well for us to say that homelessness is horrible, and it is, but yesterday I spoke with someone who despite having been given a house, chose to stay at the shelter because that is where he felt connection and a sense of "home". Choices.

Last night I had multiple people beg me for food. See here's the thing though, we give out food right when the shelter opens, if you come later then that, no food, because once it's gone, it's gone. So, if you have spent the day/evening drinking rather than taking advantage of the abundance of free food in the city, I don't necessarily feel sorry for you. Choices.

Now, the above being said, I also recognize that once you're on the street, the choices aren't that easy. Addictions aren't exactly easy to break. To use an example from my life, the fact that I'm overweight didn't stop me from eating cookies yesterday, even though I know I probably didn't need to. And that's cookies. I can't even imagine trying to come off years of hard drinking. Then of course, there's the added challenge of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. In some cases, people's brains simply don't allow them to learn from their mistakes, so they make the same "poor" choices again and again. Mental Illness figures in, blackouts from substance use, peer pressure and involvement, low self esteem, self efficacy and little motivation for change.

So, while I will continue to advocate for funding and services for the homeless and near homeless, there is no way I can believe that is 100% someone else's fault. There are resources out there for those who seek them, there is food out there for the hungry homeless, and there are places of safety for those who need a break from life. I do truly believe there is more we can do, that the are clinical best practices we are most certainly not following, however I think I believe that there will always be homelessness, no matter what social net we put in place.

not a very happy holiday post.

Christmas Thoughts

I am not sure if I have thoughts this Christmas or not. In fact, in some ways, I'm really just kind of numb. I'm plugging along though, one day at a time, I just wonder if I'm being true to myself and letting myself grieve, or if I'm living in a state of constant denial. In some ways, I feel kind of blocked, like there are parts of myself that need to open, and face the feelings, face the emotions, face the realities.

Last night I went to Christmas Eve service at my dad and sister's church. I haven't been in that church since the funeral, and the time before that was also not the most pleasant experience. I was confronted with so many people who knew my mother, so many more then were at the funeral, and I left as soon as I possible good. I played the piano for the 11 PM service at my church, it felt good to be there, even if I did continually psych myself out on nearly every introduction. I wish it had been the whole worship team rather then just me up there.

This morning it was off to my dad and sister's house for awkward good times of my sister acting like a child, me defending my dad from her and dad and I planning our September vacation to the place where my parent's honeymooned. Then Christmas dinner at a family friend's, where I met a nice single man who seemed to meet most of my "criteria". My poor father was incredibly hung up on the fact that he was of a different skin colour and couldn't stop asking about his culture even though he was born and raised in Canada. My sister kept bringing up my cats, revealing just how crazy a cat person I was, which is NOT something I generally do when I'm trying to "flirt", or even just appear normal.

Then it was home to listen to my dad and sister wrap their presents, because apparently they don't plan ahead. Then opening presents, including some presents from mom which she bought before she died. That was hard. I left soon after, before 5:30 and then realized I had an entire evening to myself and NOTHING was open and NO-ONE was around to hang out with. I tried to drive and look at some Christmas lights, but I couldn't remember where we used to drive and didn't see many good ones before giving up and going home.

I went for a walk later, too cold to be out for too long though. Sophie Cat and I had snuggles, as did Ollie and I, and now, now it's bedtime I guess.

The first Christmas is over.