Day 9

Today was the hardest day of the challenge yet for me. It was seriously hard to motivate myself to get to yoga. I felt horrible today, emotionally as well as somewhat physically, and I left work early cause I didn't feel like bursting into tears at my desk. I came home, climbed into bed, and fell asleep. Then of course I had to get up for yoga. Which really was a good thing, because it meant I couldn't completely screw up my sleep schedule.

At yoga, there was a new teacher, which is fine, if we hadn't also had 3 new staff start at work (two today, one last Wednesday). I can only deal with so much change and I feel like my life is in a state of constant flux. I had a bit of a hard time letting go of the teaching/teacher and sinking into my yoga. She did things a bit differently, and it just, wasn't working for me... or something. I dunno.

So, things I learned today: Sometimes it's okay to just give up, go home and take a nap. It really was what I needed. I really did need to not be at work for a while (despite just coming off a long weekend). Not knowing if I'm flying half way across the country to go see my grandma, is kind of getting to me. And mom's chemo isn't working...which I'd already guessed, but still.

blogging

I've been horrible about blogging this past while. I've been anemic, had bronchitis that wouldn't go away, an ear infection that made me not hear and well just felt generally crappy. Sleep continually won over blogging.

I'm better now though! So hopefully, more blog soon!

Vacation

I'm on vacation right now and it's wonderful! I took that picture on Friday. My friend and I sat on some rocks and just "were". It was amazing. I am soooo relaxed, and I'm finally getting healthy too. It turned out I was quite anemic, which was definitely the cause of my lack of energy and depression. I've been taking double the usual amount of iron and despite the stomach ache, I feel SO much better. Vacation is wonderful. Friends are wonderful. Walking on hills, definitely not so wonderful, but still, in this gorgeous place, it's okay.

Health Day

So, today I took a "health day" not a "sick" day, but a health day. In other words, I took a day off before I got sick, hopefully to prevent said sickness. Working a job by myself which is supposed to have to people has been wearing on me, and so a couple weeks ago I decided I would plan a day to call in sick. Then after last weeks craziness it became even more necessary. The beauty of planning a sick day, is you can plan to have no appointments that day. That way it doesn't screw up things for your clients or your team members and there's no catch up when you get back.

So what did I do for said "health day"? Well it wasn't maybe the most relaxing day ever or anything, but I did get some things accomplished that needed doing, which make me feel like my life is more under control. I got the oil changed on my car, got groceries, did laundry, washed dishes, had a nap (wonderfulness), saw best friend, snuggled with the cats and read an entire book. It was great. Now I'm just hoping I can sleep tonight despite the napping.

I wish workplaces could me more accepting of the need for such "health days". My supervisor was awesome about it. I actually told her what I was doing, so she knew ahead of time we'd be down staff. She's always saying we don't do enough self care, so it seemed like a safe bet she'd be okay with it. At my old job however, at the shelter, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this. They were a lot stricter about needing doctor's notes and such. Then again, it's a lot easier for my program to run with less staff then it is for the shelter.

So, what's your workplace policy on taking a mental health day or a personal day. Is it an unofficial policy? Or is it totally frowned upon when employees take time off when they're not physically sick to the point of being completely unable to work?

dreamer takes a sick day

If you've been following this blog for a while, you'll have noticed a trend, for a relatively healthy 22 year old, I'm really not all that healthy.  I'd given up posting about my sinuses, but in the past eight weeks, I've been to urgent care twice and my family doctor twice, taken three rounds of anti biotics, used nasal irigation, had decogestants react with my effexor, taken decogestants anyway and hoped for the best, and spent WAY too much time whining about my sinuses.  

My second urgent care visit was today.  It took six hours, but I think it was worth it.  I saw this awesome nurse practitioner student (I love nurse practitioners by the way).  He took the time to really figure out what was going on with me.  I got poked and proded, x-rayed and stuck for blood.  And this nurse practioner student figured out what the doctors didn't.  I don't have a bacterial infection.  That would be why the drugs didn't work!  Now I have some nasal steroids and the joyous diagnosis of "chronic sinusitis".  Colour me not impressed.  

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say about my sinuses, other then THEY HURT!  Last night I dreamed about having a whole drilled in my forehead to drain them.  I was sad when I woke up and it wasn't real.  

gotta love it when they're out before they're in

So I had my first counseling session with a client today.  I felt like we moved waaaaaaaaaay too fast, but this guy was just eager to get things rolling and underway.  The thing of it was, he really wanted legal advice more then counseling, and so he wasn't really in the mood to slow things down.  

I have another client tomorrow who might come in.  She was kind of non-committal.  She's one of those clients who has seen just about everyone on our team and had some sort of falling out or failing with just about everyone.  Being the new girl, it's now my turn.  My supervisor thinks she's like me.  Who knows.  

Speaking of which, I had supervision today, which was nice.  I really like my supervisor.  I'm still kind of intimidated by her, but I think that's normal.  She seems to really care about the clients and about the staff, which is sooooooooo nice.  She said she was surprised I hadn't come and asked her more questions, but I really didn't have any for her.  I've sorted things out, and the other staff have been SO good about telling me stuff and helping me figure things out!  

My sinuses are still sore.  My ears were a bit better today though, instead it's my frontal sinuses giving me problems.  I've done the neti pot thing twice now.  It's a bit weird, but we'll see if it helps!  

antibiotics and yuck

I don't like antibiotics.  I think they're a wonderful invention, I totally agree that their lifesaving.  I also think they're over prescribed, and generally, they don't make me the world's healthiest person (I tend to get stomach side effects of varying forms and severity).  That all said, I've now been on antibiotics for 17 days straight, and I'M STILL NOT BETTER!  

You've probably noticed that I've got down on my blogging, and it's because I've just been too sick.  What I initially thought was going to be strep throat again turned out to be a sinus infection...or shall I say, assumed sinus infection, because the doctors haven't x-rayed my head to look for it, just treated me based on my symptoms.  Which is fine and dandy considering I've had them before.  BUT, I should be better.  I'm on my second round of antibiotics, and I really don't feel much better.  Yes, the fever's gone, but seriously, my ears hurt SO much.  After some research, I've discovered that it's the tubes in my ears, reacting to the pressure in my sinuses.  Basically, it's like I'm on an airplane which is taking off and taking off and taking off with no escape.  I catch myself sitting at my desk and pulling at my ears like a little kid with an earache.  Bah. Humbug. 

Not all is bad though.  My new job is going well.  I'm still kind of bored, but more stuff will come.  I'm co-facilitating two groups/classes next week, and I did my first solo intake on Friday.  I have supervision Monday (yes, that's right, we actually meet with our supervisor on a regular basis, as a requirement).  And, I get to take a workshop in June which work is paying for!!  It's going to be SO much easier to get my continuing ed hours when work actually lets me take work time for it!  Besides all that, my coworkers like Sushi, which just makes the whole world better for me!  

EDIT:  So, I tried the neti pot.  Interesting, interesting, interesting.  I'm not sure I did it for long enough on each side, but I'm going to try again tomorrow.  Anything to get rid of the ear aches, and I'm all about the more natural and tried and true ways (as in, neti pots were used for hundreds of years before the invention of antibiotics). 

update on me

I've been off most of this week in between my two jobs, so naturally, I didn't bother to use any of my free time to write.  So, I'll try and make up for that with an update about how things are going. 

1. The Sophie cat seems just fine.  I have come to realize that I've never spent any time with her during the day (I've worked nights the whole time I've had her) and it's just how she is.  Plus, that day the caretaker was in to test my smoke detector while I was out and that probably scared her. 

2. Investigation at work.  This probably deserves it's own post, but in short, it's over.  I get to come in for a meeting to recieve my official letter of instruction...apparently it's not disciplinary though?  Anyway, I'm just a little mad, but at least it'll be over and done with (and I have A LOT to say about the difference between empowerment and clients having too much power). 

3. New job.  I went and had lunch with my new team this week.  They seem really nice, and I went to school with one of them, so at least I know her.  It was a welcome change to have them say how much I would like working there and that it was a good workplace as opposed to when I had my orientation at the shelter and was warned about particular staff members and particular shifts first thing. 

4. My emotional health.  I feel SO much better this week.  Definitely was good to have some time off.  I also spent time with friends and went out for coffee with someone I really respect.  She suggested going for spiritual direction, and I think I will.  I'm looking into it.  

5. My physical health.  If you look back at my blog, all year I've gotten sick every three months.  This pattern actually continues from before the start of the blog, it's just me.  The pattern failed, and only one month after the last occurance of strep throat, I am sick again.  After three days of having a low grade fever I finally dragged myself into Urgent Care last night and discovered that I have the dreaded "sinus infection"... ick.  Much as I don't want surgery, it'd be nice if I could just drill some holes in there so I could drain them and not waste 10 more days of my life on antibiotics.  SUPERGERMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ahh run for your life). 

And so, that's me in a nutshell.  My new job starts Monday.  I now own a professional wardrobe, including high heeled shoes (if you can call an inch high, the point is, I have heels).  I'll post pictures of my cast once I break an ankle (shouldn't be long).  I also own makeup.  Now I just have to put in on... I was going to practice this week, but well, it never happened, so we'll just hope for the best Monday morning and I'll wind up at work looking like a drunk clown.  But I'm not sarcastic at all!

Happy Saturday!!!

it's almost spring

I can't believe I haven't posted in a week.  Things are not going well in dreamerville, and writing just seems like too much, that and I just haven't seemed to find anything I really want to write about, I know I'll feel better if I write, and yet I can't.  I once said I'd never make this blog "emo" and depressing like, but it's a blog about social work, and social work has it's moments.  While I don't have the stats right at hand, I know that social work is an extremely challenging profession in terms of burnout and emotional stress.  Beyond that, many people are drawn to the helping professions because of difficult experiences in their own lives which of course come along for the ride.  

My strep throat seems to be making a resurgance despite the antibiotics, I'm worried that once they're gone in three days it will come back with a vengance, requiring another doctor trip and another round of antibiotics, stronger ones, which will likely make me sick.  On top of the strep, I got a super bad cold, or perhaps a flu.  The kind where you just cry because your sinus and your eyes and your everything is running.  So I sat in the car place waiting for my oil change and car check up crying.  I'm sure I looked absolutely stunning.  I called in sick again that night.  

My roof is leaking.  Nothing like coming home from work to discover your bed is wet because you didn't move the furniture because the roof wasn't leaking when you left.  Fortunately the roofer called proactively, he's determined to fix it for me, but still... wet bed, not fun.  So, I decided to try and share my somewhat broken futon with the Sophie cat.  Her "day bed" is on one end, in the sunshine, so I put my head at the other end... and wound up getting my foot bit when I invaded her space... 

Work has been challenging.  I saved another guy last night...maybe.  Same coworker as before and I busted into this guys cell in the drunk tank after he made his shirt into a rope, knotted it, and tightened it till he passed out.  After he got some more air he became super violent, like beyond violent and I had to BEG my coworker to close the door, I don't know what he was trying to do.  Anyway, it took six police officers to wrestle him into cuffs and shackles, there were only four, and they were losing till two more showed up on the scene.  After he got checked at the hospital they brought him back, more sober, he said he just wanted out and he was "pretty hammered".  Just watch him not remember this by morning.  

I need a new job.  It's scary though.  My job right now is a permanent position.  Most openings, the few there are, are for term positions.  I know that's how you start, but the idea of so little  permancy scares me.  And, I only just got benifits March 1st.  Not as big a deal in Canada, but still...I like clean teeth.  The things is though, I don't want to work in the drunk tank anymore.  I'm tired of locking people up.  Really sick of it.  I'm tired of being threatened constantly and the constant berating and abuse.  I like my shelter clients, I like them a lot.  If I could just work with them, I'd be happier, but you rotate areas at work, and so I can't just work shelter and detox.  I also really want a social work position.  I want to use more of my skills on a regular basis.  Right now a lot of my conversations go like this "I can't let you out, go to sleep".  That, and, "I need your cell, you have to get out now, it's busy tonight... GET UP".  

I'm having nightmares, especially the past couple days.  Just really bad ones.  I have a recurring one about the drunk tank, but I've had that for ages.  Now I'm just having so many.  Yesterday's was so bad I wound up just getting up, and then I went to work tired.  

I suppose I'm a bit lonely too.  But that's mostly my own doing, and definitely at least partly to do with working nights.  Best friend is have a country a way, bestest bud is in third year university and it's march, and she has a boyfriend.  There are people around, I just never seem to make the effort.  I'll have to start.  Mostly, my life seems to consist of feeling tired, dragging myself up or staying up at weird times to go to church or church meetings and working... oh, and my daily cup of coffee... i love it.  That's how I knew I was really sick, when I didn't go out and get my coffee.  I think working a day job would be good for me.  Maybe I just need to see more sunshine!  I need to go to yoga too, the exercise and breathing and sweating and high heartrate really, really help.  I've been too sick though, last time I had strep I went back to yoga a bit too soon and thought I was going to pass out right in the middle of class.  

So onward I go.  There's one job I might just apply for I found in the classifieds today, and I do have an interview on Tuesday.  I'd really love to find a job before the enforcer comes back from holidays at the end of the month.  I had a horrible nightmare about him a few nights ago.  

posts about my clients will follow... as soon as I can work up the energy... 

Strep Throat...again (sigh)

Sorry for the lack of posts since vacation.  As I'm sure you can tell by the title of this, I've been sick.  I went to the doctor after church yesterday, because for the second time in three months, I've got strep throat.  Ick.  That chemical in the picture is pencillian, which I'm taking, again, to try and get over this.  So far it seems to be working.  

I'm feeling better emotionally since I last posted, which likely has something to do with the fact that I'm feeling better physically (or the fact that the enforcer is on vacation for the entire month).  I'm still not up to blogging though (and yet as always, I have so much to say).  

I hope you are all surviving winter as well (at least those of us in the Northern Hemisphere that is).  

just a little sleep

It's amazing how much of a difference sleep makes in a persons life. I haven't posted this week because I've been exhausted. I had something every single day this week including a doctors appointment at which I discovered I'm anemic. Joy. Of course it does explain some of my extremely excessive sleeping, and my incredibly pale face (actual quote "you're too pale, even for a white girl").

This week seemed like it would never end. I trained, I shift managed, I dealt with the enforcer being rude to and about everyone but me (he's scared of my grand scheme after all). I was called every name in the book, and I just didn't seem to have enough time to sleep. Then when I was sleeping I just didn't seem to be able to sleep well. I dunno. In any case though, I had last night off and was able to get some sleep then, and I'm about to go back to sleep for a nap before work. Happiness.

Anyway, the point is, sleep makes a huge difference, so do friends. All week I sort of felt like I was hovering on the edge and didn't really know which way I was going to fall. Work was pissing me off and tiring me out, and yet when I took time to think about the good things, it really didn't seem so bad anymore. Then I slept. And I woke up feeling SO much better about everything. Bestest bud and I raked the Sophie cat which took quite awhile but resulted in a much sleeker looking cat and fur floating EVERYWHERE. Then best friend and I talked on the phone for an hour and half, and while I did get a bit teary eyed thinking about how far away she is, it was totally worth it.

and now, for some fantasy fiction and my bed.

the pressures of sick days

I'm feeling MUCH better today, certainly not 100%, but the antibiotics have really done their job, and it no longer feels like daggers are stabbing me in the throat each time I swallow. Hurray for that! I work tonight, and then I have two days off, so I figure I might as well go in to work tonight even though I probably should still be staying home.

See the thing is, we work on quite a small staff at our organization, and when a person calls in sick, it sucks for everyone. What's really bad though, is when two people call in sick, because when two people call in sick we are technically supposed to close an area of the building. Since the drunk tank is a government thing, and detox is a program, we can't close either of them of course, so, we're left with the only option being to close the shelter at 3AM when our "overlap" shift person goes home. This of course is not a pleasant thing, and something none of us really want to have to do.

We've been one staff short on nights almost every day this month. Some people have very valid reasons for calling in sick (I had a heart attack is definitely a good excuse). Ccf however makes some of the stupidest call ins ever, and he does it on a very regular basis. Drives me crazy, drives everyone crazy. And yet, because we're perpetually short staffed, he still has a job. Bah.

What I'm saying however, is that for me at least, there's a certain pressure to come in beyond the fact that I haven't earned very many sick days yet (which is of course also a pressure). There's the pressure of knowing that my not coming in could potentially lead to 75ish people being outside cold in the middle of the night with absolutely no place to go. That idea really doesn't thrill me. There aren't many aspects of my job I take home with me, but that one I do. It's different then one client guilting me for not letting them in, it's a whole lot larger then that. It comes down to when do the needs of seventy-five people outweigh my need for sleep. I mean, obviously I have to take care of myself and yada yada, but it just seems a little overwhelming sometimes knowing that so much can hinge on my showing up for work.

But enough of this, there are plenty of good debates which can be had on the issue, and the bottom line is that I stayed home last night when I really needed to, but tonight, I'm going to go.

the end.

the germs, they is attacking me!

I am a very whiny social worker right now. After a night of a throat so sore I could barely swallow I dragged myself into the walk in clinic after work and discovered I have strep throat. SO not impressed. But, now I have penicillin, and bestest bud came over and made me some chicken soup. I actually called in sick for work tonight. For starters I'm contagious, but for seconds, my throat hurts so much (despite the advil) that I can't sleep. Oh, and the whole having a fever thing pretty much sucks too. Hot then cold then HOT then COLD, and so it goes on and on.

when everyone else takes a sick day

Everyone but me called in sick the other night. I got to work only to discover that none of the other scheduled staff were coming in. I was not impressed. I did however know that there was a stomach virus going around, and I was actually sort of expecting it. This meant, that as the only regular staff around, I got to be the shift coordinator! It is SO not as exciting as it sounds.

I had two relief staff (one of whom was working a double) and the girl I was supposed to be training. I had to get her to actually work, because there was definitely no way we could train her with that few staff. We did it though. The clients in detox seemed to smell our new girls newness, and acted up a bit, but they settled down after lights out and things seemed to go okay from then in. IPDA was quiiiiet, which was SO good, and the shelter was full, so no intakes needed to be done; also good.

I have to admit, suddenly being in charge of the entire show was kind of nerve racking. I'm SO glad nothing happened. I'm sure I could deal with stuff, but it was really, really nice not to have to find out for sure. Being in charge means being responsible for over 100 people in various states of intoxication and ill health. The homeless are certainly not the world's most stable cohort. It means the buck stops with me. But am I ready for that? Put it this way, I could do this once in a while, but I definitely don't want to do it more often then that!

Client Counting aka the awkwardness of the er.

So, one of the annoying things about hanging out in the emergency room of my nearest hospital happens to be the number of clients I see there. I decided to play the client counting game, but really, I was too tired. I saw at least two that I know quite well though, and then a bunch who I know, but don't really know and hopefully wouldn't recognize me. Fine, whatever.

The awkwardness though. I'm sitting in the er by myself crying because I felt so sick (note, I feel MUCH better now, it's 4AM and I'm awake, but I've slept for like 14 hours). One of my higher functioning clients comes over and tries to comfort me. This is definitely an awkward situation. I mean, I like the guy, and if it wasn't for the fact that he was my client (addiction related) I could totally be friends with him, he's my age, and quite nice. But still. Here's me, sitting in the er, crying and sick with said client, whose just in for some tests or something, comforting me.

I suppose next time I should probably go to a different er if I want to avoid situations like this. I knew which one I was choosing, but it was the closest and since I was so nauseous I didn't want to go for a long drive. In retrospect, I don't think it will hurt my professional relationship too greatly with this particular client because we don't have a lot to do with each other now that he's in transitional housing, but yeah, it just felt kind of awkward, but I was so sick, that I couldn't do anything about it.

on going chronicles of my life

I am SO sick right now, I can't even begin to describe it. I had to call in sick to work, which I've never done... in my life. It looks really bad too, because I just had the weekend off, and I have tomorrow off, and it was my birthday yesterday. Everyone probably thinks I was hung over, but I didn't even drink!

My city has this number where you can phone and talk to a nurse and then they'll help you decide if you should wait, see a doctor, go to the hospital or call an ambulance. I had a really good experience with them, so I decided I'd call again this morning.

On top of the flu symptoms, my neck is really sore, so she sent me off to ER at a trot. Don't drive yourself, get in right away, don't go to urgent care, hospital! So I called my pastor, who drove me over and hung out for a while wilst I felt sorry for myself and sick. All I wanted to do was LIE DOWN, and you can't do that. I've never been to a hospital before, except to pick up/drop off people. Then I'm there all the time.

After three hours (which is quite short all things considered) I saw the nurse practitioner for three minutes. I have the flu, and probably slept funny on my neck, and who knows why I was throwing up. In any case, I'm "fine" and I just need to take some gravol and some pain killers and try and sleep it off. Right now I'm trying to drink lots of fluids and take it easy. We'll see how it goes. At this moment I have no energy or motivation to do anything anyway. I'm not even bored, and I'm so sick I can't read.

I'm sure I'll be over it soon, but until then, yaaaaay for the awesome nurses and nurse practitioner who took time to calm me down while I was freaking out about meningitus. I cried the whole was through triage, but the nurse was really good. yay!

silly bacteria! stay out of my body! (at least the bad ones that is)

I went to the doctor today after I woke up coughing up blood. I figured that probably wasn't a good thing. He listened to my lungs, and I have a chest infection. joy. So now I have some lovely azithromycin that makes me sick. But, it also works...who can complain.

The funny thing is this though. At reception they told me if I needed a sick note for work it was going to cost me. They also wanted to know ahead of time if I needed one. I said it depends what's wrong with me. I asked the doctor if I could work and explained my job. He was very non specific. Wouldn't give me a good answer. So I left with no doctors note, and I'm going to work today. I can't afford to pay for a note and then not go to work. Because I'm casual, I don't get sick days!