a less whiny post about bachelorette parties

So, I've had a lot more time to calm down and think seriously about this whole Bachelorette party thing from both a personal and more general perspective and I thought I'd share some of my thoughts.

For starters, my friend's bachelorette party is not going to be totally crazy or horribly sexual or anything like that. Some wine, appetizers, and conversation, perhaps with a few games at one of the bridesmaid's places, and then off to the bar for some dancing. Now personally, I hate the bar, I've locked up a few too many drunk people in my day (working in the drunk tank) to enjoy being around a whole bunch of drunk people, however, it's her day, so I suppose I will go.

In theory, I like the idea of a bachelorette party. It's a nice way for the girls to get together and celebrate the bride and mark the change that is about to occur in her life. You get to play fun games, maybe be a little bit "kinky" and let loose a bit. I'm all about that. I see absolutely nothing wrong with drinking a bit, eating a bit, and laughing a lot. I think it's great. For me, where it becomes a problem is when it becomes more than that, when it turns into something degrading, cruel and dangerous.

First of all, there's the degradation of both males and females. The male part is easy, we put up plastic penises (and by we, I simply mean females), we scour the bars looking for them in order to exploit them for drinks and/or money and we mock them. One might say that a bachelorette party is a way of expressing ones feminism and celebrate being female, however, I tend to disagree. I read about one game in which the bride to be has lifesavers pinned all over her shirt and men pay her in order to suck on her shirt, degrading to both parties if you ask me. The same goes for getting points for getting a man to buy you a drink, let you sit on his lap, or let you kiss him. Degrading for both parties. The entire idea of a bachelorette "gone wild" shows women to be drunk sex objects, rather than human beings.

Then there's the sex thing. These type of parties turn sex into a commodity, human sexuality into something to be bought and sold, won and lost, a subject to be joked about, trivialized and made into a show. And here's the thing, if you ask me, sex isn't those things. Sex is something precious and personal that happens between two (or I suppose more) people. Our culture says that sex is nothing, that it's just something that happens, that it's casual, that it's "no big deal", but I really don't agree with that. I think sex is something much deeper, much more meaningful, and leaves a deeper impression on people than our society would like us to believe.

Old fashioned as this idea may be, I believe that anything that happens at a bachelorette should be something that the groom to be would not be hurt, disappointed, or disgusted to find out about. That's not to say that there shouldn't be girly sharing, laughing, and giggling, and that some things should never leave the room, just as a general principle, if you wouldn't do it around your husband, you probably shouldn't be doing it at your party.

So, for any of you reading this who may at some point plan be a bachelorette party, take note. I don't want to go to a bar, I don't want there to be giant plastic penises everywhere, and I don't want to go trolling for men. What I want, is to spend some quality time with my girlfriends, have a lot of laughs, eat some food (cheesecake anyone?) and drink some wine.

(maybe some day I'll get around to talking about bachelor parties, although really, I have pretty much the same views on them too).

The homelessness problem...

I took this picture a couple years ago of an empty "camp out" under a bridge where someone had been sleeping. I worked at the shelter last night, in the actual shelter not the drunk tank or detox and had some interesting conversations with a coworker about how, in a nation as rich as Canada, people could live like this. We of course didn't come to any conclusions, but I realized how much my perspective has shifted in the past few years.

Something I have been reminded about time and time again over the past year is choices. We all make choices, each and every day, and the choices we make have a HUGE outcome on our lives. It is fine and well for us to say that homelessness is horrible, and it is, but yesterday I spoke with someone who despite having been given a house, chose to stay at the shelter because that is where he felt connection and a sense of "home". Choices.

Last night I had multiple people beg me for food. See here's the thing though, we give out food right when the shelter opens, if you come later then that, no food, because once it's gone, it's gone. So, if you have spent the day/evening drinking rather than taking advantage of the abundance of free food in the city, I don't necessarily feel sorry for you. Choices.

Now, the above being said, I also recognize that once you're on the street, the choices aren't that easy. Addictions aren't exactly easy to break. To use an example from my life, the fact that I'm overweight didn't stop me from eating cookies yesterday, even though I know I probably didn't need to. And that's cookies. I can't even imagine trying to come off years of hard drinking. Then of course, there's the added challenge of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. In some cases, people's brains simply don't allow them to learn from their mistakes, so they make the same "poor" choices again and again. Mental Illness figures in, blackouts from substance use, peer pressure and involvement, low self esteem, self efficacy and little motivation for change.

So, while I will continue to advocate for funding and services for the homeless and near homeless, there is no way I can believe that is 100% someone else's fault. There are resources out there for those who seek them, there is food out there for the hungry homeless, and there are places of safety for those who need a break from life. I do truly believe there is more we can do, that the are clinical best practices we are most certainly not following, however I think I believe that there will always be homelessness, no matter what social net we put in place.

not a very happy holiday post.

decisions, decisions.

My thought for today is that I either need to go back to Yoga or back to therapy. Maybe both. I'm not making a decision till after my holiday though.

stay tuned tomorrow for why I'm pissed off about the material I learned in my food handlers course and how it relates to societies treatment of some of our most vulnerable citizens.

the investigation is over!

I wish I could do this to Mr. boss man at the shelter, unfortunatly, that would definitly get me in worse trouble then I was in.  Some of you may recall that I was being formally investigated for unprofessional conduct...two months ago.  Well, I finally got my sit down meeting with the executive director as well as my supervisor.  Joy. of. joys.  The only thing I was looking forward to about this was that once it was over, it would be OVER.  It was hard for them to find a time to meet with me as they didn't want to break out of their presious 8-4 days, but it eventually happened.  

So Mr. boss man sat down and told me how wrong I was, and how I'd been unprofessional.  He then gave me a chance to speak.  I did not deny the accusations.  I agree, that wasn't the best I've ever done, and there were certainly better ways to handle the situation.  I learned a lot from it.  What I asked, when he said I could speak to it, was what was happening to the clients after their brutal verbal abuse and discrimination of another client.  The answer, nothing.  And no matter how hard I tried to acknowledge that I wasn't disputing the fact that I was wrong, our ED refused to acknowledge that there was even the slightest possibility that the clients had done anything wrong.  Heck, I wasn't even saying that the clients had done something wrong to ME, which I still believe they did, but it was the things they said about another client that really, really got to me, which I tried to express.  However, I was not heard.  I mean, really, it makes sense, Mr. Boss Guy has no idea who I am, he didn't even know I had been a permanent employee of the shelter.  At one point, and i counted, he had introduced himself to me four times thinking I was a new staff person each time... and he has NO idea what goes one with the clients...because he's never there to talk to them, and NEVER there at night.  

But enough's enough.  By the time I left his office, I was tearing a bit.  I wanted to just run out, but my supervisor stopped me and pulled me into his office.  And I'm glad he did.  He told me that he knew that what happened wasn't representative of me, and he knows and respects the way I treat the clients and the respect I have for them.  After getting beat down so much at that place, it was nice to hear.  I still left and cried my way home though.  

It occured to me, as I got out of the car, that my neighbours, if they see me, must think I'm crazy for all the times I've come home crying.  Then it further occured to me, that with only one exception it's all been related to the job at the shelter... can you say "unhealthy work environment"?  (interestingly enough, the other time was related to volunteering at Street Ministry and an incident with one of my shelter clients).  I started to have a panic attack when I walked in the door, which totally surprised me, and, here's where I'm proud of myself, I said to myself "no, you're not having a panic attack, there are better ways to deal", and I took some deep breaths and chilled out and was fine.  YAY!  

Now for the funny story!  So, when I work at the shelter, I generally wear jeans, a hoody, and skate shoes with my hair in a pony tail.  Now that I'm working with the work placement team I have to look professional, so today I was wearing black pants, a button down shirt, a jacket, and heels, my hair was up nicely in a clip.  When I walked through the drop in to get to the office, the entire room went silent as my clients just staaaared at me walking through.  I HAVE to remember that if I know I'm going there after work to bring a hoody or something, at least, and some flat shoes.  

So that's my today.  I'm feeling okay now, and I'm glad it's all over.  I am still not impressed, but hey, philosophies and policies like that are why I got another job. I really miss the shelter clients, but I'll still see them sometimes, I'm not dropping off the face of the planet.  And as my supervisor said today, my professional career is on it's way!  Hopefully I can go to sleep early tonight, and when I wake up it will all just be a memory long forgotten...well, except for the letter on my file for the next two years (assuming of course I stay casual for that long).  

just an all around sad story

This is a story about death.  This is a story about everyday life.  This is a story about the poor and the middle class.  This is a story about people struggling to get by.  This is the story of inequality, unfairness and injustice.  This is truth.  

Everyday in our society people work towards earning money to acquire things.  The nature of the earning and things varies, but in Canada at least, it's neccessary.  Even those who have no official earnings, the kind declared to the government, are generally working to gain income, small though it might be.  While many people think of the homeless as being beggars, theives and panhandlers, there is an entire underground trade system, a black market, which trades not just in weapons and drugs (as many people believe) but in the items of everyday life.  

The poorest area of my city is void of the big box stores one finds in the suburbs.  Most of the stores are tiny corners stores, almost all which are run by imigrant families.  In order for these stores to exist they have to charge more for their items and put in long hard hours just to eek out a living.  Unfortunately, some of these stores turn to less honest ways of gaining money preying on those even less fortunate then them.  

One store in particular, was famous for this, they were known on the street as being willing to buy just about anything from a person in exchange for money, mouthwash or hairspray (to drink).  When we gave out brand new winter jackets this Christmas we found out quickly the owner was buying them from the homeless and reselling them for a higher price... once we started cutting the tags off this petered out, but it continues to happen with a variety of other things.  Because it's not a pawn shop, the police don't run the same checks for stolen property and it's less regulated... and besides, it all happens under the table anyway.  

For whatever reason, the owner of this particular store couldn't handle life anymore, and so, he hung himself, in the back of his store, in the middle of the work day.  My clients were there when his wife found him, my clients cut him down, my clients comforted his wife, my clients called for help, and my clients were there when there was nothing left that could be done.  And it hit them hard.  Staff from one of the other organizations in the area came and did CPR while they waited for the ambulance.  They got a whole debrief session.  The clients who cut the rope, got nothing.  

One of my clients hasn't been the same since then.  Sober for almost three months he's started drinking again, and is now using injectable drugs.  He's in horrible shape.  He talks about the wife of the owner, how she just cried, and cried, and cried.  He was planning to draw her a picture, I don't know if he ever did though... why are there no services for him?  Why is it that staff are more important then clients.  And for the clients, this wasn't just some stranger, this man was a part of their community, someone they knew and interacted with on a daily basis.  Do people assume that these clients have seen so much that it just doesn't effect them anymore?  Because that's just not true... Why is it that we forget about the clients in the midst of a crisis?  

I've had a few conversations with the clients about this.  But my time and resources are so limited.  It's hard to have a deep conversation about death in the middle of a shelter full of people while the phones ring, the intoxicated scream and people are constantly interupting.  I've mentioned it to my boss... but still... just a sad story all around.  

standing up for yourself

Something I've been trying to encourage my clients to do lately is to speak out.  It seems like every day I'm hearing another story of injustice, and the abuse of my clients.  It bugs me, and while I can, and do, speak out about it, I think they need to as well.  I think not only is it more powerful coming from them, but I also think it can be very empowering.  

The thing is though, the group of people I work with tend to feel very powerless.  The most common thing I hear when I suggest "saying something" is "they won't believe me" and/or "no one will believe me".  And the thing is, they might just be right, infact, I can almost guarantee it.  However, I don't believe it always has to be this way.  

One of my clients this week came in with a black eye and a swollen hand.  When asked what happened, he said the police picked him up at a bar fight, and instead of charging him or hauling him off to the drunk tank they took him to a field at the edge of the city, beat him, and left him.  It's hard for us to believe stories like that.  The police are authority figures and this man is a homeless drug user.  However, I know this man, and he's very open about getting into fights.  He fully admits to the bar fight.  He states he was defending an old man the security guard through into the street, and this is the kind of man who would do that.  I don't see why he would make up the story about the police when he'll admit any other time that it was just a fight.  Anyway, he won't report it because they police involved would "just make it worse and beat him harder" and no one would listen anyway.  

Another client was groped by a security guard in a department store.  He tried to get her into a bathroom and called her many things I don't want to publish.  The usual things one says to females.  Her male partner (who also abuses her) "rescued" her and now wants to beat the security guard up.  He won't, because he fears reprecussions due to the guards status as an authority figure, but neither of them will report it because they feel no one will listen.  

I've been trying to help these people, and others see the bigger picture.  They're right, no one might listen.  Not the first time.  But what happens if every one this is happening to starts coming forward.  It might not make a difference, but it might, and then at least people could begin to feel like they are standing up for themselves.  As I've pointed out to them, nothing might change if you report it, but if 25 of you report it, over time, things may begin to change.  

I don't think we'll ever stop police from taking things into their own hands, men from assaulting women, and authority figures from abusing their power, at least not in my lifetime, but I think that standing up for truth and for justice can make a big difference.  

Actions and Consequences

When I was a child, my parents taught me that there was a consequence to each of my actions, good or bad, and often, if I did the wrong thing, they were the ones to enforce the consequence.  For example, leaving my room in a mess despite repeated warnings to clean it up might result in not being allowed to watch TV until it was clean.  And more serious for me, my mom almost took my entire collection of books away because she caught me reading after lights out one too many times.  As adults, there’s no parent standing over us handing down consequences, but that doesn’t mean they are no longer there.  Bestest bud, for example, expected the house to be clean when she house sat this week and so because I hadn’t cleaned in ages I had to spend the two days leading up to my vacation cleaning like mad trying to make a dent in months of clutter. 

 

Many people believe that the homeless are simply living out the consequences of their actions and because of that they do not need our help.  Rather, they simply need to take new actions which will have more positive consequences.  If unemployment led to loss of housing, finding yourself employment will then lead to housing.  This way of looking at things looks at things on a more macro level and is easily generalized to many different situations. 

On a micro level however we look at individuals, their situations, their actions and what the consequences of those actions are.  It can become easy for my coworkers and I to take on a parental role (often quite unintentionally) and become the one who hands out consequences.  A client does something wrong, we punish them.  Sniff in the shelter, kicked out for 24 hours for example.  One would expect this to be a deterrent, but if losing housing wasn’t enough to force someone to find employment will 24 hours outside force someone to stop sniffing?  I think that’s what gets to a lot of us.  We kick people out over and over and over and over again, and they’re mad, really mad, and yet month, or a week or even the next day, they’re doing it again. 

 

One reason for this is addiction.  Addiction is very powerful.  I didn’t really just how powerful until I started working in detox.  I hear people whose hearts are just breaking because of the horrible consequences of their addictions, who want more than anything to stop, and yet are somehow still held captive by their substance of choice.  Further, after you use drugs/alcohol for a while your brain starts to go.  You actually kill brain cells and damage parts of your brain, including your memory.  Further you may not remember what happened as you “blacked out” from drinking. 

 

Another reason is FASD and/or other brain damage.  One of the frustrating things about working with children with FASD is their inability to understand the consequences of their actions.  This is true for adults with FASD as well, only we expect adults to have mastered this concept.  No matter how many times we tell someone, they may simply not get it (one of the reasons we tend not to use sliding punishment scales in which the punishment increases each time the action occurs).

A third reason people do not seem to learn from their consequences as we expect them to is mental illness, bet that depression, anxiety, schizophrenia or anything else along the spectrum.  It’s hard to care about the consequences when you don’t exist in the same reality as the one who makes the rules.  Sometimes a person can be so depressed they just don’t care, don’t care at all.  Watching that can be scary, people with zero regard for their own lives are not only a danger to themselves but to those around them as well. 

 

So, how then do we create a safe environment for all people?  

Situational Ethics: A Case Study

Jared is a man whose burned a lot of bridges, and when I say a lot of bridges, I mean it.  Jared is not welcome, ever, at any of the other shelters in town, and has been permanently restricted from many of the hotels, medical clinics and rooming houses along the strip.  There are not a lot of places left where Jared is able to go.  He’s been given a lot of chances, but this physically disabled man has done A LOT of horrible things in his life, and he’s not even all that old.  I mean, it takes soooo much to get yourself a lifetime ban from our services, and he did it. 

 

Of course, it is always possible to appeal your ban, and so with the help of a hospital social worker, he did just that.  See the thing is, when Jared isn’t drinking, or sniffing, or smoking crack or taking whatever the substance of the day is, he’s a nice guy!  However, he’s one of the very few clients I am actually afraid of, very afraid of.  See the thing is, staff have seen Jared sexually assault another client...but, since she didn’t press charges...

So, Jared’s back in.  He uses our services just like any other client and gets the same punishments for drinking/using in the shelter as every other client, 24 hrs out.  What happens when Jared sexually assaults another client, this time in the shelter, in front of witnesses and under a camera?  What happens when the police say there’s not enough evidence despite the camera?  There’s no charges, what do we do with Jared then? 

 

Personally, I want to see Jared out.  Out. Out. Out. Out. Out.  But, as I said before, I’m scared of him, and I like to defend the little guy.  Management doesn’t agree with me.  Management wants him to sober up.  See, the night of the assault, Jared spent the night on the street in frigid temperatures.  He begged ambulances to take him to the hospital, he tried to assault police so that he could get thrown in jail.  But no one would do anything for him.  By morning, Jared was a freezing cold, sober, sad person who begged my coworker to let him back in, just to warm up... and how could we not?  And then, then he said he didn’t remember a thing.  He claimed to have to memory at all of anything until sometime in the middle of the night when we wouldn’t let him in (looking at this, even my language shows my bias). 

 

So, what do you do in a situation like this?  Because it is situational... if it was summer, or if he wasn’t disabled, or if he wasn’t kicked out of everywhere else, or if he acknowledged wrong doing, or if there was better evidence, or if there were charges, or if, or if, or if...

 

Living on the streets is not easy, it’s really not... 

Situational Reactions (ethics)

One of the convenient things about having the drunk tank located half a flight of stairs away from the shelter is that when clients are intoxicated and behaving badly it’s very easy to have police or downtown watch who are dropping someone else of put them in there.  For the most part they’re fine to do it and don’t ask a lot of questions, they simply trust us that they’re being disruptive and need some time to sober up.  The thing is, that we of course do not have all clients who are not following the rules thrown in the drunk tank, and I was thinking about how the situation really determines our course of action rather than a set policy.  Some people might even call this situational ethics...

The last person I had put in the drunk tank was not so much being loud as just unable to settle down.  They were up and down (and all around) and despite repeated warnings, had not laid down to go to sleep.  This person was just stupid drunk, not particularly violent or insulting, but I have to admit, they were just plain annoying.  Factors which led me to ask the police to put them in there:  It was a quiet night so the drunk tank was not anywhere near full, it was really cold out so I didn’t want to throw them out in the snow, they were keeping other people from sleeping, I thought it would be really good for them to have a chance to become fully sober before using again (see and that, is where my bias comes in, what I think).  Another shift manager in my same situation might have simply thrown the person out, or, being more patient then me might have just allowed them to continue and given them some more chances until they sobered up enough to calm down.  

So, what’s the right answer?  When does having the drunk tank give us inappropriate power?  As usual, I’m not sure there is an answer.  I truly believe it all comes down to the situation.  Other people might disagree with me, looking instead for a black and white answer, but I really don’t think there is a check list of things that mean someone gets kicked out, locked up, or allowed to sleep.  That’s where experience comes in, and I often don’t feel like I have enough of it to be left in charge.  

self determination

I've noticed an interesting trend since I started working at the shelter.  I suppose in reality I understood the theory of this, but I never really understood just how true it can be until I started working.  

People need to make their own decisions.  

That sounds like such a simple thing, but it is HARD when you're watching people circling the drain, so to speak.  We can encourage, provide, talk etc... but when people are ready to change, they're going to do it.  

It's like this.  We have a detox program.  Many of our regular shelter clients have gone through it time and time again.  It's easy for them to get into, and because it's in the building it's not necessarily a step out of their comfort zone.  They come in, take a break from using, sleeping in a bed and eat real food for a while and then after their ten days are up it's back to the street and the substances.  This can be a good thing, and it's an important part of harm reduction, but it can be frustrating to watch.  

The thing is though, when the clients really want to change, when they want to stop, they do.  Without any detox at all!  Yesterday one of my clients was very excited to show me that he had tremors, this showed he was in withdrawl, and he did it all on his own.  

Another example is housing.  We try very hard to encourage people to find housing, we have a special staff person who'll help them find it, we have housing resources etc...  when people want a place, they find it.  If they don't, nothing we do will help.  I think people are generally a lot more resourceful then we want to give them credit for!  

So, the lesson to be learned?  Don't beat yourself up when people won't change the way we want them to.  If it's right for them, they'll get there. 

frequent caller

  One of the things we try and work on at the shelter is cutting back on the number of 911 calls and wasted emergency room visits among the homeless.  Studies of my city have shown that there is a group of homeless/mentally ill/both citizens make up an average of 1 in 7 visits to the downtown hospital and each one comes in an average of once a week; mostly for non-emergency situations.  We try and help people find other ways to deal with their situations.  

Right now though we have a client who is seriously abusing the 911 system which is of course a strain of resources and costs the public a whole ton of money.  It's one thing to call 911 because you have a real emergency, that's a good thing, that's what it's there for.  Then there are the people who call 911 for non emergencies because they have no transport to get to the hospital or don't really comprehend the non-severity of the situation.  Then there's calling 911 and making up complaints for an unknown reason, that's what this client is doing.  

The most likely reason the client is doing this, is that they need something.  The thing is, calling 911 telling them you can't breath and getting an ambulance to the hospital doesn't provide anything in the long term.  When you're hurting, and lonely, and lacking personal attention this works really well, in the short term.  You get paramedics, nurses and a doctor (or probably nurse practitioner) looking after you.  In the short term you probably get at least a bit of TLC.  Although, if this is the 5th time this week tempers may be getting shorter.  We're trying to work with the emergency call center to cut down on unnecessary ambulances, but then this client just goes to another drop in, and there are many in the area.  So what can be done?  

There's no easy answer in a situation like this.  Obviously the 911/hospital system is not the place for this client to have her needs addressed, but I'm not sure that such a place currently exists.  If group homes were actually group homes that might work, but warehousing her somewhere else really won't do any good.  I think maybe we should give her the number of a crisis line and see if she can call that sometimes instead of 911, and we should also try and pay a little attention to her.  

What will happen, is that social assistance will stop paying her ambulance bills, she'll wind up with a huge amount of debt and start getting less and less on her welfare cheque.  As this will give her less money to fund her substance abuse this may actually get her attention.  However, there are other ways of getting alcohol and again, it really doesn't address the route of her problem.  The hospital staff will get sick of her, and she may resort to more extreme measures to get the attention (or whatever it is) she needs.  

This post has no answers, only more questions... 

Leaving the Shelter

I really want to be sarcastic about this picture.  I really, really do, but I'm not going to be, because finding a picture of "empowerment" is hard.  It really is.  

I mentioned earlier that the enforcer and I got in a fight, it was about empowerment, although that word never came up.  See, we have this problem at our "emergency" shelter - some people have slept there for years.  This causes us to turn away the people in need who are having a more isolated emergency and makes me feel like we're just warehousing.  

The way I see things, the situation sucks and we need to do something to empower people to find other options for their lives.  The way the enforcer sees it, we need to kick their butts out the door into housing and forget what they want.  I only wish I was exaggerating.  He actually said that they'll come back later, thank us, and tell us that they wish we'd done it years ago.  Now, while this may be the case, maybe, it does not change the fact that people are their own individual people and I don't think we have the right to decide things for them...except that I do, and I don't.  

It's sort of like this.  It frustrates me that there are people who live in the shelter day in and day out, it frustrates me that this is their life and I feel like we're doing nothing.  However, I'm not quite sure what we should be doing.  I initially thought of a time limit to shelter stays (ie 3 months) but then what do we do, turn the chronically homeless away?  I sometimes think it does take a kick in the butt to get people moving, but will it change anything?  Many people who do find housing get evicted very quickly and wind up back in the shelter by the end of the month.  

There's this new school of thought though called "housing first".  The point of this is to get people into safe housing and then work with them on all the other stuff (addiction, mental illness, disability, life skills etc...) and it apparently has really good results, and I agree.  I think for quite a few of my clients if they were housed other aspects of their life would begin to change as well.  

But, because there's always a but, it's not so easy living on your own after having been in the shelter along time, especially if you grew up in foster care, group homes, residential school etc... many people do not have some of the basic life skills that the majority of us take for granted.  For example, my house is messy, but I do know how to clean it.  I know which cleaning products to use, what all needs doing etc...  I know as well how to boil water, how to read the directions on a recipe and how deal with my caretaker and landlord.  

I'm definitely going to write more about this, my eyelids are sinking lower and lower right now and I'm rambling so I'm ending this entry, but there will be more.  

Could some of my clients really make it on their own?  

and sometimes it's so so so worth it

There are definitely moments during which I hate my job, moments when I question everything I'm doing, and not doing, and of course, there are moments when I'm simply so overwhelmed I feeling like quiting.  Then there are the things that make everything so so worth it.  The moments that help me see that I am making a difference, even if it's small, and that the work we do does matter.  

A prime of example of this is our van patrol.  Some nights we patrol the street and don't talk to a single person.  Other nights all we do is ferry people to and from the hospitals feeling like a taxi service.  Some nights we give out more condoms then I can count, and I begin to question the principles of harm reduction.  And then some nights, I know that we did something good, and occasionally I know that we may have, or did, save someone's life.  While it feels good, this particular story also makes me really mad as well as making me question my self, good stories do that though.  

It's a cold Canadian night and I'm cruising back from picking up donations at a convinence store with the new guy watching for girls working the street along the way.  Suddenly I notice something on the curb "did you see that?" I say to the new guy as I make a u-turn in the middle of a somewhat major street pulling up along side the object of my interest.  Only it's not just an object, it's a person.  A person lying in the snow dressed only in jeans and I t-shirt.  "What do we do?" asks the new guy, "we start with the basics" I answer, and so we do.  

The new guy and I put on gloves and jump out of the van to try and rouse the person.  It takes awhile, but we're able to get them to come around a little "what's your name?, what's your name?"  Nothing.  We are however able to get him sitting up on a planter out of the snow.  Of course, our normal van is broken and the one we're using doesn't have blankets in it... so for the second time this winter I take off my jacket and remove my sweater (thank goodness for layers) put my jacket back on and wrap my hoody around this freezing person.  As I'm doing all this I am also calling an ambulance/police/help from my cell phone while new guy looks after our frozen victim.  

The paramedic response time is surprisingly fast, the last time I called about a person passed out in the snow it took 20 minutes, this took about 3.  "What's the story?" they ask.  "I'm not sure, we couldn't get anything out of them at all, not a word".  The paramedics try also, but to no avail and they take them off into the nice warm ambulance while I quickly steal back my sweater.  Talking with one paramedic, the new guy asserts that "it looks like the person was pushed out of a car and left here".  It could be very true, the positioning was right, and the lack of clothing fits that story.  But that's all we know about this mystery person, we don't get follow up on these calls, especially when we have no names, and we drive off to continue our patrol.  

Here's what makes me mad.  This person was on a busy street for who knows how long and nobody did anything.  On the other hand, new guy didn't see them whereas I was looking for things, many drivers probably didn't see a thing.  Of the people who did see them we have to remember that concept I learned about in Social Psych but can't remember the name of.  Basically that we all assume someone else will do something.  There's also the whole "not wanting to get invovled thing".  I can't say I blame them.  It's interesting however that once we stopped, someone else stopped to make sure that we were okay.  I'm not sure what I would have done if I was alone driving past a person on this particular street.  I'm not sure I would have felt safe getting out of my car, and calling 911 is so ANNOYING if you're not up close and personal with the situation.  Something to think about.  

I guess every situation's different... 

digging deeper - treating people as people

I'm not entirely sure why, but this photo evokes really powerful emotions in me. Tonight was my night off, and I spent some time working on a project for church. I was looking for photos which so a variety of different people from a variety of different walks of life and cultures. Seeing all the people reminded me that one of my intentions for the year was to see people as people and that got me thinking about my job.

It's all fine and well for me to say I want to remember that people are people, but I realized, when thinking about things, is that part of the way I cope with my job is to forget that, it makes things easier. Maybe that's good though, and maybe that's bad.

For example, when I have someone screaming and calling me unspeakable things (or at least things I won't publish here) it is much easier to think of them as "that intoxicated person" rather then give them a name. In fact, I generally refer to them as their cell number (interestingly enough though, i tend not to do that with clients I know well). Then there's example two, again, working the drunk tank. A girl sobbing, crying, begging me to help her, telling me of her horrible life, about the abusive relationship which wound her up here. So much easier to give quick reassurances and move on. Experience and practical reasoning has taught me that there's no use arguing or doing interventions with intoxicated people. In these situations, it's fairly easy to justify, whether that's good or not, I'm not sure.

Then though are the turn aways. It's really, really hard, to look someone in the eye, call them by name, and tell them they can't come inside the warm shelter when it's -30 outside. Exposed skin can freeze in less then 10 minutes, and what do I say? "I'm sorry sir, we're full, you have to get here early, we're usually full by 9PM". "I'm sorry, all the shelter beds in the city are full, you'll have to figure this out for yourself". Those, and other things, but generally those. Nothing can prepare you for that, and it's so much easier for them to remain Jane and John Doe then to dig deeper and ask their names, and how they wound up at your door that night. For some, especially the 2:45 crowd, it's simply that the bars don't close till 2:30, but for others, there are most deeper issues and we're their last hope.

So what I need to work on finding, as I've said many times before, is balance. A little pain keeps us moving, it's what keeps us fighting for change. Making things too black and white, and blocking out the suffering of people hardens us, and getting harden to far makes us, well, hard. I don't want to be like that. I also don't want to be the girl who runs to the bathroom and cries after each turn away (for the record, we don't have one, I just don't want to become one).

something to ponder as I fall asleep, what is it that dehumanizes people, is it our actions or our attidudes, must it be one, the other, or both?

examining evil aka examining my biases

There's one client who for a long time I was scared of, petrified of even. Ever since I started working on the side of the tracks where he makes his home, I've been scared of him. He's the kind of person who has a reputation in the neighbourhood. He's the kind of guy who throws rocks at cars during rush hour on busy streets. He's the kind of guy who rapes intoxicated women; where people can see him. I could go on for hours, but I think it's sufficient to say he's the kind of guy who just inspires fear in those around him.

So how does this relate to me. Well, a month or so back I was cruising around in the van with a coworker and we were talking about said client, Gavin, and I mentioned that I felt like he represented pure evil. My coworker agreed and from then on that's how I thought of him. Over time I've defended him to other coworkers saying he must have a lot of hurt in his life to have so much anger which comes out in so many ways, but still, this guy to me just seems so... horrible.

Of course I continued thinking, and I got curious and one quiet night I sat down and read through his entire file. It took quite a while, but as I read through the short entries over the course of ten years I began to piece together pieces of his recent history as well as get a sense of what made him into the angry adult he became. This man has had horrible things happen to him, things that shouldn't have to happen to anyone. He was born into a bad situation to start with, and history took a tole upon his future. His life was rampant with drugs and addiction, things he still struggles with today.

And see that's the thing. Gavin is the most scary when he's been using. When he's sober, it turns out he's a pretty nice guy. It kind of freaks me out, the juxtaposition of the two characters. And who knows, there very likely could be some kind of dissociation going on, the two people are just so different. One is this screaming person who throws tables and the other a nice, quiet, polite man who has serious health problems he is quite conscientious about taking care of. It's hard to evaluate someone abusing multiple substances for dissociation, and that's if anyone would even care to try.

So what I realized, is that you can't put people into boxes. I've always known this, I'm not a black and white person, but in this case, I was very black. Evil. Plain and simple. But the thing is, life is never that simple.

when bennie won't bathe

I’m getting sick of smelly people, and especially sick of the smell of urine soaked people after they’ve been drinking mouthwash (but that’s just a personal thing). In the spirit of change however, I’ve decided that instead of just whining about it, I need to do something about it. Whether or not my approach has been empowering however is up for debate.

In example one is the story of Adam who we met last entry. We gave him a wash cloth to sponge off and some clean clothes. While his clothes were no longer smelly, he really hadn’t got all that clean.

The next example is Ben. Ben also left the drunk tank covered in urine. In his case, I decided to point this out to him. We have a good relationship, so a gentle, "Ben, you're starting to smell, if I find you some clean clothes will you have a shower"? seemed like a good approach. And it was... in some ways. Ben and I spent time talking about how his life had gone down hill with is recent episodes of binge drinking and how he used to be so well dressed all the time. I consulted with him about the clothes I was picking and even found him a nice new winter jacket. Ben promised me that when he came inside for coffee he would collect his stuff and have a shower. The problem is, Ben never followed through, and he's out their somewhere, likely in the same dirty clothes.

And then, there's Chris. Chris is my one "success" story. With Chris, I was simply very directive. We again have a good relationship built and it's okay for me to do this. Besides that, I would listen if the client said absolutely not. Basically, when I opened his drunk tank cell I had already gathered all the shower stuff needed and simply walked him upstairs and into the shower. "Chris, it's time for a shower, I've got some clean clothes for you, just follow me upstairs and I'll open it for you". Once at the shower, I gave instructions to wash hair and body, brush teeth and comb hair, as well as to throw out the old clothes as they smelled. Chris, had a shower (Chris also invited me to come have a shower with him).

See the thing is though, I'm not usually so directive, but sometimes it gets to a point... Further, there's the fact that enforcer was totally on board with my plan which makes me wonder, just cause we don't normally agree... I guess it's not something I would do often, but I think almost all of us at work have done it. Sometimes people just really need a bath... or do they?

non sensical ramblings about homelessness (part 6)

It's interesting not being in school. I no longer am forced to really examine my thoughts, feelings and biases about things on a regular basis. In some ways that feels really nice, but in other ways I feel like I'm kind of losing out. I've been thinking a lot lately, and it's interesting some of the assumptions I make, even though I "know" better. And it's interesting how in some situations I can be very black and white, where in others I'll bend the rules no problem.

One of the things I feel very strongly about is that when the shelter is full, the shelter is full. I do not feel like we should be squeezing extra people in to sleep on the floors and under the sinks and stuff. Besides, somehow, no matter how careful we are, there always seems to be extra people in the shelter who are not entered in the computer. Therefore, when we're full, we're probably already at least 5-7% over capacity. Letting in another 10% more people means we may be operating at almost 20% over capacity which if you asks me is a huge safety risk and health hazard. We tell late comers that they need to come earlier; over and over and over again. Some of the staff will let them in to squish (the enforcer being one of them, interestingly enough) where as I will make them stay outside in the cold. We're full, we're full. Often the enforcer lets them in as soon as I turn around, which also bugs me.

One of the assumptions that I make though is about actions and consequences. For me, it seems like getting locked out of the shelter is the natural consequence of coming too late. But are people understanding that? Because they do it time and time again. Or to people see it as me being cruel? That's the other thing, if you ask me, I'd say that shelter is a basic human right. At the same time, in society we live with a capitalist world view, and some would say that these people are not entitled to shelter. It's horrible, but sometimes I just feel like screaming "go get a freaking job"! Today when two people were guilt tripping me at the window and said "well then find us a place to stay". I said "if you're interested in looking for more permanent housing, like a house or something, you can talk to one of the staff in the morning"... they were speechless, they looked at me like I was crazy, and then turned and walked away.

But the thing is, some of our clients do find housing, and what boggles my mind, is that almost all of them do it by themselves, without our help. One day they're with us, next day their gone, and we find out that they've gotten themselves a place. Often they get evicted and are back in a couple months, but at least for those two months they have something that's "theirs". Another thing that is a huge value statement. In society, we value what belongs to us, we value possessions and individual ownership, who am I to say that housing is the "right" answers to the homelessness "problem". In my city, social assistance gives funding to people for housing, and per diem rates to our shelter. It's the same person paying no matter which place they stay.

Another thing we really value is personal responsibility. One of the other feelings I hide, is the feeling that many of our clients are simply not taking responsibility for their lives and actions. It makes me really mad, when they drink, and use drugs all day (evening) and then expect us to come up behind them, give them a place to sleep it off, give them food, and in general, care for them. And yet, I also feel like that's what we should be doing, giving people unconditional positive regard. Giving people a chance, and accepting them for who they are. That's basically why I became a social worker in the first place.

Like I said, I'm quite mixed up right now about things. Every now and then I think we all have those moments where everything we believed in and everything we think we know falls apart before our eyes and we have to pick up the pieces and put it all back together again.

feeling safe

We're trying really hard this month to help people find accommodations outside of the shelter system. We've been filling up every single night and turning away more and more people as the weather gets colder. What's the problem? People don't seem to want to find housing, they call the shelter their home, and have absolutely no desire to leave it. The number one reason? Safety. And it's very understandable.

For most of us, it's hard to picture why anyone would want to live in a homeless shelter, especially one like the one I work at. It's not exactly the nicest place to spend the night. A mat on the floor, right next to the people on either side of you, bathrooms with no locks, people drinking mouthwash in the backroom (yet we never seem to catch them in the act), scabies, lice, urine, feces, tb, hiv, dirt, crumbs, yuckiness, and yet, this is home.

The thing is though, many of the people have lived through hell all ready. They've been in residential schools, abusive alcoholic homes, foster care group homes, nights spent literally on the street. We have a safe, loving environment, we're consistent, we have clear rules and expectations, there's always food and water, someone to talk to, friends nearby and a ride to the hospital when they need that extra bit of caring we can't provide.

Low income housing can be scary, dangerous, and well, a lot dirtier then the shelter which gets disinfected twice a day. The going rate for housing on welfare is laughable. There is NO way to get anything for that amount of money other then a monthly rate in a hotel room where you have to share a bathroom and have no kitchen. These hotels survive entirely on welfare customers who have no where else to turn and get away with A LOT. And they can evict a person with no ramifications because there are always more where that person came from!

The other kind of housing which can be found are rooming houses and apartments run by slum lords. To live in one of these kind of places, a person either has to be part of a couple, or take from other parts of the welfare budge to make the rent, and on a small budget, 75 dollars taken away from food is a lot of money. These rooming houses are often crack dens, a crash spots for people sleeping off their night of partying. Again, there are shared bathrooms and either a shared kitchen or no kitchen at all. In some of them, you actually have to share a room. Apartments are often poorly or not heated, have no functioning appliances, roaches, bedbugs, mice, rats, and filth.

So, when a person says they feel safer and better sleeping at the shelter, I really can't blame them. It's hard, but I don't think in my city we'll be able to get people off the streets until we create somewhere better for them to go to. Finding a "place" is one thing, finding somewhere to call home is very different.

macaroni and cheese

I fully intend this post to be (at least slightly) more coherent then the last one!

This week when I was volunteering we had a really great group in helping us, so I took the time to actually eat with one of our guests, someone who also stays regularly at the shelter. It was great to actually be able to sit down and spend time with him, to just listen, and to share a meal together. I learned A LOT about him, far more then I would have in a month of just seeing him in the morning for coffee at work. This is one of the advantages to volunteering with the same population I work with (of course there are many disadvantages too).

It was a good meal, but what I found interesting was his attitude towards the food. When we were done eating, he wanted to wrap up his leftovers (pretty normal) and mine (okay, well, makes sense). What was odd though, was his reason why, or at least I thought so. Rather then sighting the fact that he was hungry, and might be hungry later, he had a strong belief that he needed to eat everything on his plate because there were children starving in Africa. This is an elderly homeless man, and he was quite worried because of the commercials he saw on TV about children starving far away.

It makes me wonder where he developed that view. Because honestly, I don't think he was watching TV one day and was like "oh, they're hungry, I should eat everything on my plate". I think it's far more likely he learned it in residential school. It was in these schools that Canada's aboriginal people were forced to learn white/european values, and quite effectively stripped of their culture. It's interesting also, because in the midst of his extreme poverty, this man is able to look beyond himself and realize that there are other people in just as bad if not worse circumstances, something which a lot of my clients cannot do.

All in all, it was a good meal, and the macaroni and cheese did taste very good. Eating it with my client/our guest just made it taste all the better.

confidentiality

Confidentiality. All through school I've had it drilled into me. Confidentiality, confidentiality, confidentiality. And when are the times you can break confidentiality?

- Threat of harm to self
- Threat of harm to others
- Abuse of a child

And that's it. You can't just go around breaking people's confidentiality for other reasons. This is where the enforcer and I disagree.

The situation is this. We have someone in detox who may know some more details about how a woman died (I wrote about her a few entries ago, she was found on the street, gone). It may be that someone pushed her down the steps. During his detox intake he disclosed it to the worker (we're called "crisis workers") who shared it in shift change.

Now the enforcer seems to think that we have a duty to report this to the police and I disagree. I say we have to respect people's confidentiality and that all we can do is encourage this person to report it.

Unfortunately, that is not what came out of my mouth though, and here's where I created my entire problem which lead to our entire fight, and I should have known better. I said something like, "as I social worker the only time I can break confidentiality is - see above". This is when the lecture started. The lecture about how I'm not a social worker I'm a crisis worker, and I can't say I'm a social worker while I'm working because I'm not. I say I'm I social worker wherever I am. That I am a registered social worker and breaking people's confidentiality like that could make me lose my registration with my professional institute.

The enforcer starts getting really mad, tells me that it doesn't matter. That I have to follow agency policy, which is to report things (since when?), and that I'll be prosecuted if I don't. He has me cornered, yelling at me, and my supervisor (who I love) jumps into it too, telling me I'm not a social worker there and I have to follow policy. The enforcer won't let me speak, keeps telling me I'm interrupting, so I let him have his thing. Then when I want to have a turn, he won't let me speak, and goes on about how hard I am to work with. This is when I exit to go the bathroom and cry.

When I'm semi calmed down, I go back upstairs and say "Okay, I'm taking into consideration what you said, I'll talk to our boss and my professional institute and work this out. I'm new at this whole social work thing, and still have a lot to work out". I go about my work, getting on my knees to fill up some sugar. The enforcer stands over and yells some more. I keep crying and remind him "I don't want to talk about it". "Why would you want to talk to our boss, don't talk to him". I tell the enforcer that if that's the policy I'll quit, because one job is not worth losing my registration over, and then the enforcer, my supervisor and I get into it again. I'm basically ready to quit my job on the spot, except it still seems like a really far fetched policy, and well, I like my job. a lot. So I leave. But just to go pick up some donations. It takes me an hour of driving, a clonazepam (klonopin) and some yoga breathing in a random parking lot, but by the time I come back, I'm actually mostly calmed down.

In the morning, I talk to my boss about it, first thing. Not the fight exactly, just what the policy is. Turns out, the policy is exactly what I wrote at the very beginning. My boss says "we're not the justice system, we'll never have any trust with these clients if we tried to be". So I was right, but it really doesn't feel very good at all, and I'm not planning on telling the enforcer that, why bother. I want to sit down with him and talk it out, but I don't think it's going to happen, at least not yet.

A collegue got to work the next day and already knew about our fight, how, they'd run into each other and the enforcer mentioned "I made still dreaming cry last night". Oh, so this is a point of bragging now? If I didn't love my job...