The homelessness problem...

I took this picture a couple years ago of an empty "camp out" under a bridge where someone had been sleeping. I worked at the shelter last night, in the actual shelter not the drunk tank or detox and had some interesting conversations with a coworker about how, in a nation as rich as Canada, people could live like this. We of course didn't come to any conclusions, but I realized how much my perspective has shifted in the past few years.

Something I have been reminded about time and time again over the past year is choices. We all make choices, each and every day, and the choices we make have a HUGE outcome on our lives. It is fine and well for us to say that homelessness is horrible, and it is, but yesterday I spoke with someone who despite having been given a house, chose to stay at the shelter because that is where he felt connection and a sense of "home". Choices.

Last night I had multiple people beg me for food. See here's the thing though, we give out food right when the shelter opens, if you come later then that, no food, because once it's gone, it's gone. So, if you have spent the day/evening drinking rather than taking advantage of the abundance of free food in the city, I don't necessarily feel sorry for you. Choices.

Now, the above being said, I also recognize that once you're on the street, the choices aren't that easy. Addictions aren't exactly easy to break. To use an example from my life, the fact that I'm overweight didn't stop me from eating cookies yesterday, even though I know I probably didn't need to. And that's cookies. I can't even imagine trying to come off years of hard drinking. Then of course, there's the added challenge of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. In some cases, people's brains simply don't allow them to learn from their mistakes, so they make the same "poor" choices again and again. Mental Illness figures in, blackouts from substance use, peer pressure and involvement, low self esteem, self efficacy and little motivation for change.

So, while I will continue to advocate for funding and services for the homeless and near homeless, there is no way I can believe that is 100% someone else's fault. There are resources out there for those who seek them, there is food out there for the hungry homeless, and there are places of safety for those who need a break from life. I do truly believe there is more we can do, that the are clinical best practices we are most certainly not following, however I think I believe that there will always be homelessness, no matter what social net we put in place.

not a very happy holiday post.

It's SUMMER (almost)

You know, it's a big stereotype that Canada is cold all year round. However, my city has certainly lived up to that this spring. It has been so, so, so cold. Snow in May! So not fair. Anyway though, today was gorgeous. It was our church picnic and it couldn't have been a more beautiful day.

The picnic was great fun. Worship and communion and barbecue and games and games and candy and friends and FUN! Unfortunately however despite my sunscreen efforts I "missed" a couple places and now have a rather wierd "stripy" burn. Not cool. I pride myself on not getting sun burns and the use of appropriate sun protection. I had to go out and by some after sun lotion to try and calm things down a bit where I am burnt.

In other news, the dreamer is doing okay. Worked at the shelter last evening; another detox shift. This one was MUCH better than the last one. I quite enjoyed myself in fact! I really like seeing the clients. I miss them. I popped into the shelter today to bring the leftovers from our church picnic and some of them were quite disappointed that I wasn't staying to work a shift (I actually got offered one, but there is NO way I could ahve worked tonight).

My sister is working on my house. She's done some odd things, but overall, progressing. Actually, right now my house looks worse then it did before. There is stuff everywhere which boggles my mind seeing as I feel like I've thrown out SO much stuff! But, she organized my kitchen today and is working on the linen closet now so I really have nothing to complain about.

And now, I'm going to get some ice cream :)

the night of 18 turnaways

As a write this, the Sophie cat is high on cat nip... I'm such a drug pusher, lol.  It's a lot easier to laugh at her antics though, and encourage her to "use" then it is to deal with the human consequences of drug and alochol abuse and addiction.  A perhaps little known fact is that there is that the number of people seeking shelter changes every day and there is a definite pattern to it all.  We turn away far, far more people on the weekend then we do during the week.  More homeless on the weekend?  Not exactly, a lot of it comes down to alcohol... 

It happens like this.  While there is a definitely a poorer area in my city, there are social housing developments spread out in various areas of the city.  All of these are accessible by bus...during the day, but at night, when the buses stop running, it's a lot harder to get there.  It seems, that more people drink on the weekends.  I'm sure this is true anywhere.  While the bars and hotels on the strip are full of business everyday, on the weekends they're just nuts.  And here's the thing, the bars close after the buses stop running.  SO when last call comes and everyone's leaving, suddenly there seem to be a whole lot of people who simply have no way to get home and many of them seem to wind up on the steps of the shelter.  

When we get someone come to the door who hasn't stayed with us in a long time or stays with us only sporadically we ask them some questions, for starters, "where do you live?"  Most people tend to say "nowhere", but then comes the question, well, where did you stay last night, last week, last month, because you didn't stay here.  Most of us hate doing this, but really, we're not a crash spot for people too drunk to remember to go home... we just can't be that.  We don't have the room or the funding... 

But it's hard.  I can easily turn away 15+ people, and generally they're far too intoxicated for the sober shelters.  This is one of the things which shows me just how real addiction is.  When you're so drunk that you just have no way to get home and you're down to the point of sleeping in the shelter or on the street.  When do you say to yourself "wow, I slept in a bus shelter last night, this is out of control".  People get so mad at us too, because we're supposed to be the shelter and what good are we if all we do is turn people away.  It's hard for people to see the big picture when they're caught up in addiction, there's a sense of intitlement and a need for immediate gratification.  

None of us are sure exactly what to do about this... as I've posted about many times, when does having the shelter just become enabling, when does it allow people to continue on destructive life style paths and live of the system, who gets to judge that anyway? I hate having to judge who is more and less deserving of shelter, we're supposed to do it by "level of vulnerability" but it's not like we have a formula.  It's true though, I'll squish in a regular who I know is completely falling part far sooner then I'll squish in a younger intoxicated male who doesn't stay with us... but maybe it should be the other way, we are an "emergency" shelter after all.

none of the answers are easy, not even the process is... 

Situational Ethics: A Case Study

Jared is a man whose burned a lot of bridges, and when I say a lot of bridges, I mean it.  Jared is not welcome, ever, at any of the other shelters in town, and has been permanently restricted from many of the hotels, medical clinics and rooming houses along the strip.  There are not a lot of places left where Jared is able to go.  He’s been given a lot of chances, but this physically disabled man has done A LOT of horrible things in his life, and he’s not even all that old.  I mean, it takes soooo much to get yourself a lifetime ban from our services, and he did it. 

 

Of course, it is always possible to appeal your ban, and so with the help of a hospital social worker, he did just that.  See the thing is, when Jared isn’t drinking, or sniffing, or smoking crack or taking whatever the substance of the day is, he’s a nice guy!  However, he’s one of the very few clients I am actually afraid of, very afraid of.  See the thing is, staff have seen Jared sexually assault another client...but, since she didn’t press charges...

So, Jared’s back in.  He uses our services just like any other client and gets the same punishments for drinking/using in the shelter as every other client, 24 hrs out.  What happens when Jared sexually assaults another client, this time in the shelter, in front of witnesses and under a camera?  What happens when the police say there’s not enough evidence despite the camera?  There’s no charges, what do we do with Jared then? 

 

Personally, I want to see Jared out.  Out. Out. Out. Out. Out.  But, as I said before, I’m scared of him, and I like to defend the little guy.  Management doesn’t agree with me.  Management wants him to sober up.  See, the night of the assault, Jared spent the night on the street in frigid temperatures.  He begged ambulances to take him to the hospital, he tried to assault police so that he could get thrown in jail.  But no one would do anything for him.  By morning, Jared was a freezing cold, sober, sad person who begged my coworker to let him back in, just to warm up... and how could we not?  And then, then he said he didn’t remember a thing.  He claimed to have to memory at all of anything until sometime in the middle of the night when we wouldn’t let him in (looking at this, even my language shows my bias). 

 

So, what do you do in a situation like this?  Because it is situational... if it was summer, or if he wasn’t disabled, or if he wasn’t kicked out of everywhere else, or if he acknowledged wrong doing, or if there was better evidence, or if there were charges, or if, or if, or if...

 

Living on the streets is not easy, it’s really not... 

why they stay

I tried to blog last week about how hard it is for people to leave the shelter... it didn't come across quite the way I wanted it to though.  I really shouldn't blog when I'm so tired my eyes keep closing.  So, my thoughts on why people don't leave the shelter...I'll get to empowerment later, or another day.  

1. The shelter is "safe".  

Interestingly enough, the opposite of this is why some people won't come into the shelter - they're scared and find them dangerous.  The shelter is safe because there are always people there, there are staff to take care of things and your friends are literally right beside you.  Living in a rooming house or an apartment on the other hand, who knows what's going on.  If you're lucky, there is one security guard for a building with 18 floors... most have no one.  

2. The shelter provides structure.

Again, something people don't like about shelters.  At the shelter there's a schedule and you have to follow it, you have no choice.  For people who grew up in places like residential schools and group homes, they may have always had a structured life.  Living on their own brings a lack of structure which can be overwhelming.  

3. The shelter provides. 

Most shelters provide food and clothing - at least in limited quanities.  They also provide staff who listen and pay attention (for the most part).  

4. The shelter is tolerant (at least our shelter)

This varies from place to place as every shelter has different rules.  Some shelters have little tolerance for anything, but ours tolerates pretty much anything.  While we don't allow drinking and sniffing in the building, the punishment is just a 24 hour suspension and you're allowed to come in intoxicated as long as you're quiet.  We'll put up with your unwashed body, your long hair, your talking to yourself, your parania, your lack of emotion, your mania, whatever it is, we'll deal with it.  

5.  Finding a place is hard

For me, finding an apartment is a chore, but realistically it's not that hard.  For starters, I can read, which means i can read the for rent adds.  I have ready access to a phone and voicemail so I can leave messages about viewings and have someone call me back.  I have a semi flexible budget and can afford a little leeway with my rent.  I have money in the bank for a damage deposit.  I have good references, and my parents still cosign for me if necessary.  For many people moving into lower income buildings they are required to provide first and last months rent as well as a damage deposit.  This can seem unreachable for someone on a fixed income living on the street.  Further many of the street people aren't recieving any social assistance at all and must first overcome that hurdle.  

6. Addiction

Many people on the street have serious addictions.  It's hard to give your money to rent when you know you could buy (insert your substance of choice here) with it.  Whatever we label this, it's a hard truth of a large percentage of the population in the shelter.  Further, many people get evicted time and time again for consequences of substance use making finding a place harder and harder. 

7. Mental Illness

People living on the streets have a higher then average rate of mental illness.  For those of you who've been depressed, you know how hard it is to do anything, anything at all.  Getting off your mat, going out, and looking for a place to live can seem totally unmanageable when faced with overwhelming depression or anxiety.  Then of course we have uncontroled psychotic disorders; living in another reality can mean housing doesn't figure into anything for you.  Overmedication is another problem and someone recieving large amount of Haldol (because yes, people still do take Haldol) may have trouble moving at all, let alone moving in somewhere.  

8. Family Atmosphere

Some of the people I work with have never been alone.  They've had large families, been in foster care, lived in group homes or residential schools, spent time insitutionalized and in hospitals and have never, ever, been completely alone.  It can be incredibly disconcerting to suddenly be all on your own when you've spent your entire life with other people.  However, moving in with friends can backfire too as if you've never learned to "work and play well with others" without the staff to act as referees you may find yourself in over your head. 

9. Lack of life skills

I've definitely posted about this before.  Imagine if no one ever taught you to clean a toilet, boil water, read directions, make your bed, do laundry etc... What if no one ever taught you how to mop the floor, that things need dusting, that food goes back when left on the counter.  How do you learn how to do that stuff?  And then of course there's the money thing.  When living on a fixed income budgeting and being thrifty tend to be important.  Spending all your money on the first of the month may seem like a good idea at the time, but how do you get through the rest of the month.  I definitely learned skills like this from my parents (much as I don't like to admit it) and can't imagine not having thing. 

10. Lack of decent affordable housing

Then there's this one, which becomes more political.  There is no good housing for the amount social assistance gives for rent.  Actually, there is NO housing for this, the most you can hope to get is a room in a falling down rooming house with a common bathroom, or perhaps a room in a hotel that literally holds just a bed.  Then of course there's the bed bugs, the mice etc... Many of these places are extremely dangerous besides just being completely disgusting.  I'm not sure i could walk down the hall to the bathroom in the middle of the night... There are some options in terms of government housing, but the waiting lists are 2+ years long and there are still bedbugs, and mice, and danger.  The only difference is the lone security guard sitting on a chair in the entry.  For all the shelter is gross, there are no bed bugs and it's disinfected every single day.  

and there you have it.  10 reasons that people stay in shelters, or at least in the shelter I work at.  

sick and homeless

This week seems to be healthcare week on the blog, or maybe ill health week, or something like that...  The image on the left is rhinovirus, or the common cold.  One of those things we all get, all hate, and most of us get over pretty quickly.  I've been blessed enough that I haven't had a cold yet this winter (no wait, I did, that one I had before I got strep throat...) In anycase though, whatever cold I did or didn't have is such a distant memory that I can't remember it (what a sentance).  

There are a lot of things most of us take for granted when we're sick.  Things like being able to buy ourselves some cold medicine, make some tea and curl up in a warm bed - even if we do drag ourselves to work.  We can look our symptoms up on the internet and get an idea of what's what (although this can backfire...trust me).  Most of us have friends or family who can drive us to the doctor, or the hospital if we're really sick.  People who'll help take care of us or our families if we need a little help.  Gosh, most of us know that if we've got a stomach bug we can at least have the privacy of our own bathroom to puke our guts out in.  

When your homeless, things change.  Homeless shelters are definitely NOT the place to be staying if you're sick, but for some people there are no other options.  I have a client right now who has cancer and has to have some major surgery.  She and her partner are looking for a place to live because once she gets out of the hospital recovery will take some time and she knows the shelter really isn't the best place to do it.  We try and be understanding of people's dificulties but the fact of the matter is we are only open 21 hours a day and people need to find someplace else to be during those 3 hours.  

Another thing about the shelter is how germs spread.  While we do our best to keep things clean the truth is people are still sleeping on mats side by side on the floor.  So when one person gets sick, well, everyone's getting sick.  That's one thing about the shelter, it's never quite.  There is always someone coughing, wretching, gagging etc...  One night there wasn't and I was worried and when around and checked to make sure people were breathing, fortunately it started up again.  

Recovering from being sick is a lot different when you don't have a safe comfortable place to do it and when you don't have healthy nutrious food to eat.  Illnesses seem to last longer or just never go away.  I know for some of my clients they haven't felt "healthy" in years.  

once again, a post with no answers... 

Leaving the Shelter

I really want to be sarcastic about this picture.  I really, really do, but I'm not going to be, because finding a picture of "empowerment" is hard.  It really is.  

I mentioned earlier that the enforcer and I got in a fight, it was about empowerment, although that word never came up.  See, we have this problem at our "emergency" shelter - some people have slept there for years.  This causes us to turn away the people in need who are having a more isolated emergency and makes me feel like we're just warehousing.  

The way I see things, the situation sucks and we need to do something to empower people to find other options for their lives.  The way the enforcer sees it, we need to kick their butts out the door into housing and forget what they want.  I only wish I was exaggerating.  He actually said that they'll come back later, thank us, and tell us that they wish we'd done it years ago.  Now, while this may be the case, maybe, it does not change the fact that people are their own individual people and I don't think we have the right to decide things for them...except that I do, and I don't.  

It's sort of like this.  It frustrates me that there are people who live in the shelter day in and day out, it frustrates me that this is their life and I feel like we're doing nothing.  However, I'm not quite sure what we should be doing.  I initially thought of a time limit to shelter stays (ie 3 months) but then what do we do, turn the chronically homeless away?  I sometimes think it does take a kick in the butt to get people moving, but will it change anything?  Many people who do find housing get evicted very quickly and wind up back in the shelter by the end of the month.  

There's this new school of thought though called "housing first".  The point of this is to get people into safe housing and then work with them on all the other stuff (addiction, mental illness, disability, life skills etc...) and it apparently has really good results, and I agree.  I think for quite a few of my clients if they were housed other aspects of their life would begin to change as well.  

But, because there's always a but, it's not so easy living on your own after having been in the shelter along time, especially if you grew up in foster care, group homes, residential school etc... many people do not have some of the basic life skills that the majority of us take for granted.  For example, my house is messy, but I do know how to clean it.  I know which cleaning products to use, what all needs doing etc...  I know as well how to boil water, how to read the directions on a recipe and how deal with my caretaker and landlord.  

I'm definitely going to write more about this, my eyelids are sinking lower and lower right now and I'm rambling so I'm ending this entry, but there will be more.  

Could some of my clients really make it on their own?  

yikes... too much.

 Maybe it's stupid, but I always feel bad posting rants on my blog about how tired I am.  I always vowed I'd never be on of those "emo" bloggers who just complains about how much life stucks and how the world is out to get them.  Especially, when my life doesn't suck and the world is not out to get me.  There's just so much right now... except not.  

What happened (as the Sophie cat reaches her paw across the key board getting in the way) is that I got scheduled to work eight shifts in a row.  That's eight nights of homelessness, addictions and intoxication..in a row.  It was a scheduling "error", sort of, but it couldn't be fixed easily, and I got stuck doing it.  Worst of all, because it occurs over two pay periods it's not overtime.  Today is shift seven, I left after only three hours yesterday on shift six because I couldn't handle it anymore.  That and I choked on a pretzel and basically stopped breathing for a couple seconds and then puked and coughed and hacked and puked and cried infront of my coworkers.  Mostly though I was just so exhausted, and my headached, and people were fighting in the shelter.  I just could not stand the thought of having to go down into the drunk tank later that I went home.  Plus the enforcer was upset with me about something I chuckled at during shift change and was trying to pull some sort of explanation out of me, looking for my secret plot I guess, but I don't have one, REALLY, no secret plot.  

Anyway, I can already feel the tension building up in me, and I'm on the verge of tears, less then an hour till work.  I do NOT want to have take drugs to go to work, but one of those clonazepam I have sure seems like a good idea.  My doctor always says "take them, it's better to take them then not", but to tell you the truth I've taken maybe 7 since May when she prescribed them - up to two a day.  I like my Effexor, but for the most part clonazepam seems like a cop out.  The enforcer always goes on a rant about how people with mental health issues shouldn't work at our job, he's wrong, but if only he knew about my anxiety, what would he think of me then!?  

Giving myself some persective on the situation and looking at the big picture helps.  I only have two more days of this and in just over 3 weeks I'm going to visit best friend for a whole WEEK!  My job can be made hard by having something which is probably GAD but it's under control and I've worked hard at that, I CAN do my job, and I AM good at it.  While tonight seems hopeless there's a possibility of getting a better job on the other side of our building doing actual social work (not that what I do isn't social work, but it's more...traditional then watching drunk people sleep).  I'm going to apply for it as soon as it's posted, and since I know I was close last time, hopefully I get it this time!  Otherwise, I am probably leaving this job and this organization for somewhere more professional anyway.  

The truth is, I have it pretty good, but feeling crappy is okay.  I have a hard two nights ahead of me, and I'm tired.  It's okay to be tired.  I will do the best that I can do tonight and that's all that I can do.  I also won't eat pretzels, lol.  I'm going to put on clothes, start the car, gather my stuff, and I am going to go to work.  I am going to try and pay attention to the good things, and I am going to do this, one way or another, I'm going to do this.  

oh...and I'll have to feed the cat of course, not that she'd let me forget, she's staring at me as I type just waiting... 

and this is how

Jim is sleeping at the back of the shelter. With his head under his jacket his indistinguishable from those sleeping around him. It is only once I wake him, he's the last one up, that I realize who he is.

Jim was once a very successful man. The wife, kids, dog, car in the garage type of success. Jim liked to have a few drinks after work and on the weekends, but eventually those drinks began to have him and things began to fall apart. It seems like such an easy solution, "quit drinking" but it's just not that easy. Jim tried, his wife tried, everyone tried, and things worked, for a while. Things even fell apart and Jim came to the shelter for a while, but he got himself together and went back to his suburban life, sleeping on a mat crammed in between two others only a memory.

As such things do however Jim's life, and his drinking, took another down turn. Things at home got worse and worse and Jim found himself back on the streets. That little sore on his leg turned into a major infection and his back started acting up. Jim kept drinking. Eventually we convinced him to get his leg looked at, but after the initial IV treatment he didn't follow through. And so now he's limping through life.

When I first met Jim he seemed like a person just down on his luck and struggling with his addiction. He was clean, polite, and hopeful. Not to sound crass, but Jim is now indistinguishable from the rest of the homeless he beds down with each night. He is no longer taking care of himself, and his spirit, his sense of hope, is gone, or at least taking a long vacation. I miss it. Jim now sleeps the majority of his day, always tired, depressed. He has no plans to get out of this lifestyle. No plans beyond sleeping, and drinking.

He fell apart before our eyes, and we couldn't stop him. At least we're there to break the fall, cushion the landing and provide a hand back up once the wind returns to his lungs. We can't do the breathing for him though. That's his job.

it's almost over

Well, Christmas is over now, and my five in a row work week is almost over. That may sound pretty normal to most people, but because of the nature of my job, we almost never work more then four in a row. I can't remember the last time I worked a five actually. And of course it's just been a little crazy, being Christmas and all.

I'm tired, just plain tired, and can't wait to go to sleep. After this, I get five days off, and I'm quite excited. The drunk tank has been hoping, and due to short staff I've had to be shift manager twice (well, one is tonight, so it hasn't happened yet). Apparently, I have seniority, what that gives me is a whole ton of responsibility and almost no extra money. Oh well, there are good people working tonight.

The drunk tank has been filling up every single night as people drink their way through the holiday season. Detox is surprisingly full, I had predicted it would empty out during the holidays, but it hasn't seemed to. The shelter's been full every night too, but i certainly wouldn't call that unexpected. It sucks having to turn people away on Christmas though.

I have so many stories and have had NO time to write, with church and family stuff I've been super busy for the past two weeks. They're coming though! Really!

come inside, it's cold.

It's very cold where I live. Incredible bone chilling cold. It is the kind of cold where exposed skin can freeze in minutes. I only wish I was exaggerating. And yet I know people who live outside year round. And I know people who get stuck outside, with no shelter to turn to. It's unbelievable, and yet I see it time and time again. I truly don't understand why more of the homeless aren't dead. It sounds horrible, but it truly boggles my mind.

People are very resourceful. Survival instinct is strong. The biggest danger is the wind, and so even just getting out of the wind helps somewhat. Doorways, hidyholes, tarps draped over branches, anything which blocks the wind. Then there's layering. I have seriously seen people wearing seven layers. That's just the people I see. The people who are "best" at the art of survival are the ones I don't see. Then, you need a source of heat. Heating vents and fires seem to be the best way to get this. Unfortunately both have their problems as well. Lying under a heating vent can put you in a place to get run over, and fires of course are fires and can get out of control.

The truth is, while the shelters are bursting at the seams, there is a group of people who simply have no interest in going anywhere near one. It's a fascinating concept for a person who has been raised to value shelter so dearly. At the same time though, I have my very own one bedroom apartment, something some of my clients find exsessive and unbelievable. For some people, the idea of being around so many people is just so overwhelming. At all the shelters in the city once you're in, you're in. You can't go out for fresh air or to smoke, this can be very prohibitive for some. Many of the homeless are dealing with some form of mental illness, and there are many fears associated with the shelters, not the least of these being contamination, and in many ways it's a valid fear. I'm not sure I could sleep in our shelter.

This is a world so very different then my own, a world I cannot be a part of. And yet, when you really think about it, how far away are any of us from being homeless, and what would we do to survive?

non sensical ramblings about homelessness (part 6)

It's interesting not being in school. I no longer am forced to really examine my thoughts, feelings and biases about things on a regular basis. In some ways that feels really nice, but in other ways I feel like I'm kind of losing out. I've been thinking a lot lately, and it's interesting some of the assumptions I make, even though I "know" better. And it's interesting how in some situations I can be very black and white, where in others I'll bend the rules no problem.

One of the things I feel very strongly about is that when the shelter is full, the shelter is full. I do not feel like we should be squeezing extra people in to sleep on the floors and under the sinks and stuff. Besides, somehow, no matter how careful we are, there always seems to be extra people in the shelter who are not entered in the computer. Therefore, when we're full, we're probably already at least 5-7% over capacity. Letting in another 10% more people means we may be operating at almost 20% over capacity which if you asks me is a huge safety risk and health hazard. We tell late comers that they need to come earlier; over and over and over again. Some of the staff will let them in to squish (the enforcer being one of them, interestingly enough) where as I will make them stay outside in the cold. We're full, we're full. Often the enforcer lets them in as soon as I turn around, which also bugs me.

One of the assumptions that I make though is about actions and consequences. For me, it seems like getting locked out of the shelter is the natural consequence of coming too late. But are people understanding that? Because they do it time and time again. Or to people see it as me being cruel? That's the other thing, if you ask me, I'd say that shelter is a basic human right. At the same time, in society we live with a capitalist world view, and some would say that these people are not entitled to shelter. It's horrible, but sometimes I just feel like screaming "go get a freaking job"! Today when two people were guilt tripping me at the window and said "well then find us a place to stay". I said "if you're interested in looking for more permanent housing, like a house or something, you can talk to one of the staff in the morning"... they were speechless, they looked at me like I was crazy, and then turned and walked away.

But the thing is, some of our clients do find housing, and what boggles my mind, is that almost all of them do it by themselves, without our help. One day they're with us, next day their gone, and we find out that they've gotten themselves a place. Often they get evicted and are back in a couple months, but at least for those two months they have something that's "theirs". Another thing that is a huge value statement. In society, we value what belongs to us, we value possessions and individual ownership, who am I to say that housing is the "right" answers to the homelessness "problem". In my city, social assistance gives funding to people for housing, and per diem rates to our shelter. It's the same person paying no matter which place they stay.

Another thing we really value is personal responsibility. One of the other feelings I hide, is the feeling that many of our clients are simply not taking responsibility for their lives and actions. It makes me really mad, when they drink, and use drugs all day (evening) and then expect us to come up behind them, give them a place to sleep it off, give them food, and in general, care for them. And yet, I also feel like that's what we should be doing, giving people unconditional positive regard. Giving people a chance, and accepting them for who they are. That's basically why I became a social worker in the first place.

Like I said, I'm quite mixed up right now about things. Every now and then I think we all have those moments where everything we believed in and everything we think we know falls apart before our eyes and we have to pick up the pieces and put it all back together again.

if you build it they will come

Every night we keep a record of everyone we have to turn away from the shelter. I'm a huge fan of this record, for me it serves a few purposes, but mainly, I just really appreciate the fact that the documentation records each and every person. The fact that there was 1 or 5 or 12 or 15 people that we were unable to give a warm place to sleep to. That each and everyone of them is real, and exists, and has a story. But I digress.

The thing of it is, we were averaging about 10 turn-aways each night during the beginning of the winter. This is not good, this number means that each night 10 people did not have a place to stay, because many of the people we were turning away were not our regulars, but rather people coming to us as a last resort (the people we should, as an emergency shelter, house, but again, I digress). So, seeing this trend, we tore out a wall, got ride of some storage and added 10 more mats to our shelter. This sounds awesome, right? Now we have a place for everyone!

Except, we don't. The thing of it is, we're still turning away somewhere around 10 people a night. Granted, it's gotten a little colder, but really, not much colder and the shelter is still filling up just as early. By adding more mats, we seem to have created more regulars. 10 more people are using the floor of our shelter as their home each night. It seems that if we build it, they will come.

My city has actually been surprisingly decent about adding shelter beds, although there are still not enough, but situations lie this make me wonder if there every will be. Even if we built 1000's of shelter beds, would there still be more homeless to house? Would there still be people for whom sleeping in a shelter is the safest most desirable option?

Makes you wonder, doesn't it.

false alarm

I think I've written about this before, but it happened once again. When people come into IPDA, they're supposed to be searched. This may seem rather trivial, but a bad search can lead to bad consequences, hangings, cutting, or fire. Yes, that's right, fire. See apparently, it's amusing to light one's toilet paper on fire when stuck in a small from for an unknown number of hours. Personally I can't imagine why one would do that. (Okay, so I totally can, I mean, I'd be going CRAZY, or using the time to catch up on some sleep, on the other hand though, starting something on fire when you have no access to water or say, a way OUT of the room, well, that doesn't show much common sense, of course that's why they're being held though...never piss off the cops).

So, rant aside, we have very sensitve smoke detectors. When people do things like light their toilet paper on fire they pretty much instantly go off. And being a shelter full of vulnerable people, this of course triggers a pretty giant fire alarm down at the main fire station as well as an alarm with the police. It's well, a big deal. Besides that, we have special systems in place to release all the detainees in the drunk tank, unless we put a certain key in a certain whole within 90 seconds, which means we only have 90 seconds to determine if it's a false alarm. Fortunately, we have a panel which tells us exactly where said alarm is coming from, but still. This time, and we're still not sure why, the doors all opened anyway. And one of our IPDA's escaped... I manged to run around and lock everyone else in though!

Then of course, we still have to deal with the fact a fire alarm bell is ringing throughout the entire rest of the building...loudly. So then you have to find a different key, in a different place, and open a different panel and press a button, to shut that thing up. And then you wait, and then the fire fighters come and have to inspect the scene for a fire. Then the wonderful fire fighters reset your fire alarm (in both places) and life carries on.

Except, in a shelter, with 70+ people sleeping, life doesn't just carry on. Because now instead of having 70 sleeping people you have at least 40 awake people who have been woken up rather harshly. And they want food, and drinks, and companionship and they get rowdy. And when asked to calm down, they seem to remind you that THEY WERE SLEEPING, and somehow the entire situation becomes your fault.

Yay. because really, it's always your fault.

or not.

when everyone else takes a sick day

Everyone but me called in sick the other night. I got to work only to discover that none of the other scheduled staff were coming in. I was not impressed. I did however know that there was a stomach virus going around, and I was actually sort of expecting it. This meant, that as the only regular staff around, I got to be the shift coordinator! It is SO not as exciting as it sounds.

I had two relief staff (one of whom was working a double) and the girl I was supposed to be training. I had to get her to actually work, because there was definitely no way we could train her with that few staff. We did it though. The clients in detox seemed to smell our new girls newness, and acted up a bit, but they settled down after lights out and things seemed to go okay from then in. IPDA was quiiiiet, which was SO good, and the shelter was full, so no intakes needed to be done; also good.

I have to admit, suddenly being in charge of the entire show was kind of nerve racking. I'm SO glad nothing happened. I'm sure I could deal with stuff, but it was really, really nice not to have to find out for sure. Being in charge means being responsible for over 100 people in various states of intoxication and ill health. The homeless are certainly not the world's most stable cohort. It means the buck stops with me. But am I ready for that? Put it this way, I could do this once in a while, but I definitely don't want to do it more often then that!

SNOW!

Well, it snowed here a while back and while most people are trying to dig themselves out, the homeless are trying to find a place to dig in for the winter. The first night was horrible, it was practically a blizzard. I had to psych myself up in the car before I went in for all the people I knew I would wind up turning away. Now matter how good your boundaries are, how do you not feel for the people sleeping under a blanket on the steps while the wind howls and the snow blows.

People seem to have gotten used to things though. One of my supervisors likes to remind me that these people have lived through many many winters, and this one isn't any more likely to kill them then any other. He's trying to reassure me, but still, I really wish there was enough shelter space. The only problem is, (and of course there are various schools of thought on this) that as soon as you build more shelter space it's full, so where exactly are people coming from?

In any case, I really feel that as a society in a very affluent country we should be able to provide a warm place to sleep for everyone. While I realize it is very difficult to house everyone (a lot of people don't want housing for starters) in the winter months, there should be somewhere, at least a place where people can come in and warm up for a while. People complain about the homeless on the streets but do not want to spend the money to make inside spaces possible. bah.

j

the body in the shelter

At about five to six we turn on the lights and wake everyone in the shelter up. It's early, but we open again at seven after a cleaning. If people don't wake up, we have to go around and wake them up. Saturday morning, someone didn't wake up.

A colleague of mine, my capitalist catholic friend (who shall from now on in my blog be referred to as "ccf"), called down to me in the drunk tank "there's a dead body up here". Needless to say, I didn't believe him. Ccf has a tendency to tease me, calling me the little sister he never had. Eventually though, he got me upstairs.

The body in the shelter was very dead. The man had likely died hours earlier. The body was in rigor mortise, and his skin was cold. I checked his breathing one more time, as my supervisor was on the phone with the police/ambulance. The ambulance came, but thankfully, they did not try to resuscitate him. Then the police. Then they had to wake up a medical examiner, then arrange transport. All the while our clients are stuck outside.

I've never found a body before, never been so close, never checked for life that wasn't there. I had nightmares that morning.

What shocked us all, was when we opened his client file. This was a man who had been sleeping at our shelter every night for quite some time, and we had NOTHING on him. No next of kin, no medical conditions, no identifying things at all. And as we talked, amongst ourselves, and with members of other shifts, we came to realize that no one knew him. We had all had contact with him, but none of us really knew him at all. The clients didn't seem to know him either.

Talking to the police, and my coworkers, we are all glad he had the death he did, surrounded by people in the place he spent his nights. He died before the cold of winter, he died peacefully in his sleep, he died without painful intervention, without prolonged illness.

He was only 57. Being homeless ages you like nothing else.

Warehousing the homeless part four

Can you believe I found this photo when I googled "transitional housing"? Oh well, google image search isn't perfect! Looks more like jail to me. Or I dunno...in jail you don't have quite so many roommates!

Anyway, when I was talking to mr. nice guy about the staff evaluations I also told him about how we need some structured wet housing. He was totally on board with me, which was really nice. I first brought up the fact that we really need someone whose role is to try and encourage and help people to find housing. Some might argue that this process needs to be initiated for the client, but I think for some people, they've just lost hope that it's even possible. They need a boost, and a reminder that there's help and hope before they are able to begin to grasp the possibility.

Then we talked about how valuable it is to be able to have a sense of ownership of something. To be able to have anything, even just a little space, to call your own. I place where you can store a couple things, where you can do your laundry and know that you're not saying goodbye to those clothes forever. Where it's possible to own more then one set of clothes! He agrees with me, that having a safe place to stay that's "yours" is a very, very good start.

Our detox unit might be moving, and I want to turn to the existing space into wet housing, instead of making the shelter bigger. I'm not sure exactly how that would work, but eventually (this is a long term moving plan here), I will put something in writing to our executive director, because I think it's an awesome idea, and having a place like that on site would make it quite comfortable for the clients who were likely to use it. I mean, there's a million things that would have to be considered, but, I just keep talking to people and getting them to open their minds to the possibilities.

something beautiful

We do our best to keep the drop in/shelter area clean. We close for an hour twice a day to do just that. Volunteers sweep and mop the entire area with disinfectant, clean the bathrooms and the shower, and do general tidying. Staff are responsible for keeping the offices clean. Either way, it gets dirty very quickly. We serve a lot of food, and a lot of that food winds up on the floor.

This week the cook handed out bananas to everyone sitting in the drop in. As people were peeling the bananas, a man got up and spoke to the crowd. This man is someone I've "known" for a long time. I see him every Friday night at street ministry as well as at work. He is chronically homeless. He will probably never work. He uses solvents, drugs, alcohol; whatever he can get his hands on, and he winds up in IPDA often. He is so brain damaged that he walks with an uneven gait and can be hard to understand. His message though, really touched me.

"You all know where the garbage cans are, let's keep this place clean, it's our home".

That's so special, and so humbling, because for many people, this is their home. How ironic that we call it a "homeless" shelter. This man will likely never function in an independent living setting, but here, on our floor, he has found a home. How much more is a home, then walls and a bed. How much more is a home then a personal address. How much more could I appreciate where I live.

i love my job (really)

Friday night we were short staffed...and it sucked. The clients decided to be mean, rude and obnoxious...mostly at the same time. IPDA was crazy too. And I was sick. I had been hoping to do detox, but somehow we all volunteered...brilliant of us. And since I did it the night before, I lost.

IPDA kept filling up, and so I almost felt like the police were stalking us. Just itching for more cells. The guy I was working with though really didn't seem to like releasing people. He's just more cautious then I am I guess... oh well. I understand all the points of view involved.

The police need something to do with their intoxicated people
My superiors need have a good relationship with police and keep cells open as well as a good relationship with management who doesn't think we should ever be full.
The crisis workers sign their names to the discharges... if we let people out and they get brought back, that would be BAD!
The clients... some wants OUT and some want to stay in and have a nice.long.safe.warm.sleep!

I also did some up front stuff. None of which was terribly exciting though. Had a good talking with my favourite shift coordinator. Drank some coffee. Ate some dinner. All in all, despite the total craziness, I still like my job.