Detox Day 12

Today is Day 12 of my detox. That means only three days left after today! Starting Tuesday morning I get to slowly start adding foods back in and readjusting my body to a wide range of foods. 4 more yoga classes and I'm taking a day off from going to the studio. I will likely do something at home, but definitely not heading to the hot room. It's wonderful and lovely, but it'll be nice to have a break.

Yesterday was a not great day. I've been really tired throughout this and yesterday just seemed like a very grumpy day. I was not in the mood to head to the yoga studio, but off I went. I was somewhat dreading my flow class, but felt like once I was in the room I would feel better, and I did, and then our teacher started talking about Agni Namaskar - a salute to the Hindu fire God, 108 prostrations (push-ups) in one yoga class. And so that's what we did. I've done it before, and I'll probably do it again at some point, but wow, that's a lot of push-ups, and it didn't exactly help my bad mood.

I looked back though, and I realized that this is the point in the 30 day challenge I did during which I started to have a really hard time and get really emotional. If experience is my guide, then I know that once I get through the next couple of days, things will be better. We'll see how it goes though, right now I'm feeling pretty much totally exhausted.

blogging

I've been horrible about blogging this past while. I've been anemic, had bronchitis that wouldn't go away, an ear infection that made me not hear and well just felt generally crappy. Sleep continually won over blogging.

I'm better now though! So hopefully, more blog soon!

sleeeeep

Volunteering tonight was exhausting. We had a great youth group in from out of town to help us, but they of course needed direction. One semi good conversation with a guest though.

Also, Olay Daily Facials Express are great for "sponge" baths.

tired but good

This is Sophie cat when I thought she was sick, wrapped up and getting eaten by my giant Tigger (thanks to bestest bud).  She's all back to her normal self now despite conning hummus, cool whip, and assorted other foods out of me the past couple days.  

My new job is going really well.  I'll post pictures of my office soon (I'm waaay too excited about having my own office, and I also realized it won't happen in many of my future jobs, and I do believe in open office concepts, it's just FUN!  I'm slightly worried the job will be too boring, and while it's good, I'm definitely not used to people actually caring about what I do and how I'm doing.  Things are going to take a little getting used to.  No more having down days where I get to read fiction all night!  The sleep thing is difficulty, especially the waking up part, but I'll survive, I always do! 

Thanks for all the supportive comments on the last post.  You guys are awesome! 

nightmares...

I said earlier this week that I was feeling this need to purge myself of bad stories as my job was coming to an end.  Well, Saturday night was the last night of my fulltime job, and I spun in circles on the pavement outside.  I was exhausted, and had one of my epic 18 hour sleeps when I got home.  This was good, because it put me back on a sleep/wake schedule that matches up with the majority of people, but the dreams, the dreams were horrible. 

While I worked at the shelter, I rarely dreamed about it.  Every now and again I would ahve this recuring nightmare about the drunk tank, but although it was always the same, it didn't happen too often.  Last night I dreamed about the horrible things.  I dreamed that I was the one sleeping in a bus shelter, I dreamed that I was the one sleeping in a shelter, I dreamed that I was the one picking bed bugs off the beds at the other shelter.  It was awful.  It was like now that it was over, now that I wasn't really working there anymore I was finally free to dream about it.  Label me NOT impressed! 

I'm hoping tonight goes better.  I had a semi active yet VERY stressfree day, so I'm hoping sleeping goes well.  I'm not even going to write about anything sad or frustrating or anything in the hopes of having a good sleep.  I'm going to read fluff before I go to bed.  Hopefully, this was just a one time occurance! 

it shouldn't have to happen...but what to do?

One of the things that has puzzled me in my job is knowing that there are many homeless who don't sleep in shelters, and yet not knowing where they are sleeping.  As I've gotten to know more and more people I've been able to gain insight into this, and some of the stories simply blow me away.  While some of those who sleep in the "great outdoors" do so by choice, others have simply burnt all their bridges, this is a story about one who burnt his bridges time and time again, and also, a story of survival.  

Devon was one of those kids who never quite fit in.  Like so many others in the homeless community, he comes from a broken home and his addictions began at an early age.  Inside Devon there is A LOT of rage.  He's angry about his circumstances, and while he tends to be in control of his impulses while sober, when he drinks, he's a very scary individual.  Devon managed to make his way to a permanent restriction from our services, and had to spend a very cold winter living outside and trying to keep from dying.  

During the summer Devon would find spots by the river or hidden away in back alleys.  As long as he could stay off the radar, he was able to go about his life in relative piece.  When winter came however, it was too cold to sleep in the open.  Devon, like many others before him, and I'm sure many to come, moved into new accomadations...dumpsters. Packed full of garbage and rotting food, these metal conainters make a good place to curl up.  Unfortunately, the garbage bags can act like quick sand, dragging someone to the bottom where it's hard to get out in a hurry.  

One of the other tricks to staying, or at least feeling, warm in the winter is to drink large amounts of alcohol.  As the alcohol runs through the blood you feel warm making it easier to fall asleep and easier to bear the cold.  So, one night, as Devon slept drunkenly in a dumpster, he didn't wake up when the garbage truck came, instead, he woke up as he landed inside the garbage truck.  The details of how he survived are a bit of a mystery, but he did, and realized he needed to change his living arrangements.  

Devon moved from the hidden away dumpsters to a prominent heated bus shelter.  Here we covered him with blankets many a night on van patrol, waking him up to make sure he hadn't gone into an advanced state of hypothermia.  As Devon was brought to the drunk tank more and more often it became clear that the police, like us, felt sorry for him and wanted to protect him from freezing to death on the coldest nights of the year.  Despite the horrible things he had done in the past, staff advocated for him and Devon is now allowed to use our services, and to this point, he's shown a lot of respect and thanks.  

In talking to Devon, it's hard to imagine him as a horrible monster.  To me, he is kind and gentle.  I think perhaps the dumpster was a life changing experience for him.  While he hasn't stopped drinking, I haven't seen him in a drunken rage in ages, and he's connecting with the people around him in the community and with the staff at the shelter.  They say everyone has to hit a rock bottom before they change, I wonder if this will be his rock bottom, even though he hasn't decided to abstain.  Maybe he's already started making the changes needed for survival... 

getting out and doing things...update on my "care plan"

This past two weeks I've been focusing on getting out and doing things.  It's been hard, but worth it.  I've managed to spend time with most of my good friends (although best friend and I have played quite a bit of telephone tag...maybe I'll use my daytime minutes today and give her a call).  I even managed to go out with a brand new friend, something that can be incredibly hard for me.  I'm rather pleased with myself.  

Something which I think has been of incredible value to me is recognizing that even though I'm trying to get out and see people, I can't see everyone, and I can't do something every day.  As I'm sure many of you have figured out, I can be kind of an all or nothing person (interestingly, mostly in my personal life, not in my professional life).  For example, since I haven't been sleeping well, I've been trying not to push myself to do too much on a day I haven't slept.  Tuesday I went to a recorder group practice for church (oh yes, I'm in a recorder ensemble) but then left before Bible study.  I skipped choir practice, but went to the church potluck and annual meeting.  Picking and choosing, so I don't get overwhelmed.  

My sleep and my anxiety are still not exactly where I'd like them to be, and my house is messier then usual, BUT I did all the filing I'd been building up for the past four years.  Of course, that was just cause I couldn't find my BSW which I needed for my new job, but, it got done, which is a huge thing for me.  I had to bail on something with bestest bud yesterday which I felt really bad about, but I just couldn't do it, I just haven't been sleeping enough, and not at the right times.  But, one step at a time, one day at a time.  I can do this... 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (I just hope it isn't a train).  

it's almost spring

I can't believe I haven't posted in a week.  Things are not going well in dreamerville, and writing just seems like too much, that and I just haven't seemed to find anything I really want to write about, I know I'll feel better if I write, and yet I can't.  I once said I'd never make this blog "emo" and depressing like, but it's a blog about social work, and social work has it's moments.  While I don't have the stats right at hand, I know that social work is an extremely challenging profession in terms of burnout and emotional stress.  Beyond that, many people are drawn to the helping professions because of difficult experiences in their own lives which of course come along for the ride.  

My strep throat seems to be making a resurgance despite the antibiotics, I'm worried that once they're gone in three days it will come back with a vengance, requiring another doctor trip and another round of antibiotics, stronger ones, which will likely make me sick.  On top of the strep, I got a super bad cold, or perhaps a flu.  The kind where you just cry because your sinus and your eyes and your everything is running.  So I sat in the car place waiting for my oil change and car check up crying.  I'm sure I looked absolutely stunning.  I called in sick again that night.  

My roof is leaking.  Nothing like coming home from work to discover your bed is wet because you didn't move the furniture because the roof wasn't leaking when you left.  Fortunately the roofer called proactively, he's determined to fix it for me, but still... wet bed, not fun.  So, I decided to try and share my somewhat broken futon with the Sophie cat.  Her "day bed" is on one end, in the sunshine, so I put my head at the other end... and wound up getting my foot bit when I invaded her space... 

Work has been challenging.  I saved another guy last night...maybe.  Same coworker as before and I busted into this guys cell in the drunk tank after he made his shirt into a rope, knotted it, and tightened it till he passed out.  After he got some more air he became super violent, like beyond violent and I had to BEG my coworker to close the door, I don't know what he was trying to do.  Anyway, it took six police officers to wrestle him into cuffs and shackles, there were only four, and they were losing till two more showed up on the scene.  After he got checked at the hospital they brought him back, more sober, he said he just wanted out and he was "pretty hammered".  Just watch him not remember this by morning.  

I need a new job.  It's scary though.  My job right now is a permanent position.  Most openings, the few there are, are for term positions.  I know that's how you start, but the idea of so little  permancy scares me.  And, I only just got benifits March 1st.  Not as big a deal in Canada, but still...I like clean teeth.  The things is though, I don't want to work in the drunk tank anymore.  I'm tired of locking people up.  Really sick of it.  I'm tired of being threatened constantly and the constant berating and abuse.  I like my shelter clients, I like them a lot.  If I could just work with them, I'd be happier, but you rotate areas at work, and so I can't just work shelter and detox.  I also really want a social work position.  I want to use more of my skills on a regular basis.  Right now a lot of my conversations go like this "I can't let you out, go to sleep".  That, and, "I need your cell, you have to get out now, it's busy tonight... GET UP".  

I'm having nightmares, especially the past couple days.  Just really bad ones.  I have a recurring one about the drunk tank, but I've had that for ages.  Now I'm just having so many.  Yesterday's was so bad I wound up just getting up, and then I went to work tired.  

I suppose I'm a bit lonely too.  But that's mostly my own doing, and definitely at least partly to do with working nights.  Best friend is have a country a way, bestest bud is in third year university and it's march, and she has a boyfriend.  There are people around, I just never seem to make the effort.  I'll have to start.  Mostly, my life seems to consist of feeling tired, dragging myself up or staying up at weird times to go to church or church meetings and working... oh, and my daily cup of coffee... i love it.  That's how I knew I was really sick, when I didn't go out and get my coffee.  I think working a day job would be good for me.  Maybe I just need to see more sunshine!  I need to go to yoga too, the exercise and breathing and sweating and high heartrate really, really help.  I've been too sick though, last time I had strep I went back to yoga a bit too soon and thought I was going to pass out right in the middle of class.  

So onward I go.  There's one job I might just apply for I found in the classifieds today, and I do have an interview on Tuesday.  I'd really love to find a job before the enforcer comes back from holidays at the end of the month.  I had a horrible nightmare about him a few nights ago.  

posts about my clients will follow... as soon as I can work up the energy... 

crazy dream

 I have always had really vivid dreams.  It sort of goes in cycles for me.  I'll have crazy dreams for a few weeks and then not remember a thing for months, then come to a dream cycle again.  I also have dreams when I hit the snooze button, and that's where this crazy dream came from.  

I walk into church late.  The theater is quite full (my church actually does meet in a movie theater).  I have to go quite near the front, and I discover that my friends did not save a place for me to sit.  I got to sit down infront of them when I realize the roof is leaking, drip, drip, drip.  So I sit down a little ways over.  

As I try and join in the singing I notice that we have a whole new sound system set up and our projection is really quite intense.  Instead of just having the words to the songs on the screen there are people or cartoons doing what the congregation is supposed to be doing.  Unfortunately, the people on the screen are not clapping at the same beat as the song and it is driving me CRAZY!

The next thing you know, someone says my name "Still Dreaming"!  I can't figure out what they want, but it's obviously urgent.  Next thing you know everyone is screaming my name, urgently, as if they want help, or want to alert me to something.  I can't figure it out.  Then people start pouring out of the doors at the top, running from the theater.  I finally realize that there must be a fire, and shout "fire".  I try and evacuate the first three rows of the theater as well as the worship team at the front.  We can leave through the door at the front.  But, the worship team doesn't want to go.  Our drummer doesn't want to leave his drums and everyone else is wandering around in a fog.  

The movie theater people come in with a big vaccum which somehow ends the crisis and people come in again.  I say to my friend "was I on fire"?  Is that why you were screaming my name?  They have no answer for me.  Then there's some other stuff involving a video and some random people I know, but it wasn't freaky.  No, the freaking thing was every screaming at me and wanting something.  

Oh, and in my dream, after I hit snooze one more time I started interpreting it as a giant metaphor that I had to tell my pastor about.  Still asleep and dreaming, I figured out that the people screaming at me, instead of yelling "fire" is supposed to represent people coming to him with concerns and questions and without being specific wanting him to fix things.  My pastor thinks it's about how I'm going to be a minister later in life and it's actually about baptism by water and fire (which does actually make sense).  

So anyway, that's my crazy dream.  Just thought I'd share, for something different from all this healthcare stuff!  

Quick Update

This is how we play cards at my work... wearing nitrile gloves; who knows what's on those cards!  This was one booooooring night in the drunk tank.  On the left you can see our "ghetto" crib board - a plank of wood, holes pounded with a nail and lines drawn in permanent marker, oh and don't forget the qtip pegs!  

Thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post.  My eight days are over and I told my boss I am NEVER doing that again.  I actually had two decent nights and only one fight with the enforcer (which warrants it's own post).  I had some really good van patrols though and that always makes me happy.  I LOVE going out in van.  Also, noone died, which is especially nice given that I haven't caught up on all the tragedy I want to blog about. 

I was hoping to sleep for forever today, but unfortunatly that didn't happen.  I am however taking today for ME, no pressure on myself to do anything.  Well, except feed the Sophie cat, but she makes it perfectly clear that it is not an option.  Of course, because I decided to devote this day to myself I got a horrible headache and spent much of this evening with an icepack on my forhead as the painkillers don't seem to be working.  I also went out and got coffee to feed my addiction and some gravol as that seems to help my headaches.  Actually though, I think what helped the most was getting out in the cold and having something else to think about then how much it hurt.  

I'm hoping to get a longer sleep today, whenever I decide to go to bed, or when my body conks out and decides it for me.  I have tomorrow off too, and I really need to get some laundry done!  I'd also love to go to yoga, as I've been so busy that it's been really hard to get there.  

Oh, and I changed the blog links in my side bar... I know I forgot some.  So if you think you (or someone else) should be there, comment and I'll add you  in.  

yikes... too much.

 Maybe it's stupid, but I always feel bad posting rants on my blog about how tired I am.  I always vowed I'd never be on of those "emo" bloggers who just complains about how much life stucks and how the world is out to get them.  Especially, when my life doesn't suck and the world is not out to get me.  There's just so much right now... except not.  

What happened (as the Sophie cat reaches her paw across the key board getting in the way) is that I got scheduled to work eight shifts in a row.  That's eight nights of homelessness, addictions and intoxication..in a row.  It was a scheduling "error", sort of, but it couldn't be fixed easily, and I got stuck doing it.  Worst of all, because it occurs over two pay periods it's not overtime.  Today is shift seven, I left after only three hours yesterday on shift six because I couldn't handle it anymore.  That and I choked on a pretzel and basically stopped breathing for a couple seconds and then puked and coughed and hacked and puked and cried infront of my coworkers.  Mostly though I was just so exhausted, and my headached, and people were fighting in the shelter.  I just could not stand the thought of having to go down into the drunk tank later that I went home.  Plus the enforcer was upset with me about something I chuckled at during shift change and was trying to pull some sort of explanation out of me, looking for my secret plot I guess, but I don't have one, REALLY, no secret plot.  

Anyway, I can already feel the tension building up in me, and I'm on the verge of tears, less then an hour till work.  I do NOT want to have take drugs to go to work, but one of those clonazepam I have sure seems like a good idea.  My doctor always says "take them, it's better to take them then not", but to tell you the truth I've taken maybe 7 since May when she prescribed them - up to two a day.  I like my Effexor, but for the most part clonazepam seems like a cop out.  The enforcer always goes on a rant about how people with mental health issues shouldn't work at our job, he's wrong, but if only he knew about my anxiety, what would he think of me then!?  

Giving myself some persective on the situation and looking at the big picture helps.  I only have two more days of this and in just over 3 weeks I'm going to visit best friend for a whole WEEK!  My job can be made hard by having something which is probably GAD but it's under control and I've worked hard at that, I CAN do my job, and I AM good at it.  While tonight seems hopeless there's a possibility of getting a better job on the other side of our building doing actual social work (not that what I do isn't social work, but it's more...traditional then watching drunk people sleep).  I'm going to apply for it as soon as it's posted, and since I know I was close last time, hopefully I get it this time!  Otherwise, I am probably leaving this job and this organization for somewhere more professional anyway.  

The truth is, I have it pretty good, but feeling crappy is okay.  I have a hard two nights ahead of me, and I'm tired.  It's okay to be tired.  I will do the best that I can do tonight and that's all that I can do.  I also won't eat pretzels, lol.  I'm going to put on clothes, start the car, gather my stuff, and I am going to go to work.  I am going to try and pay attention to the good things, and I am going to do this, one way or another, I'm going to do this.  

oh...and I'll have to feed the cat of course, not that she'd let me forget, she's staring at me as I type just waiting... 

just a little sleep

It's amazing how much of a difference sleep makes in a persons life. I haven't posted this week because I've been exhausted. I had something every single day this week including a doctors appointment at which I discovered I'm anemic. Joy. Of course it does explain some of my extremely excessive sleeping, and my incredibly pale face (actual quote "you're too pale, even for a white girl").

This week seemed like it would never end. I trained, I shift managed, I dealt with the enforcer being rude to and about everyone but me (he's scared of my grand scheme after all). I was called every name in the book, and I just didn't seem to have enough time to sleep. Then when I was sleeping I just didn't seem to be able to sleep well. I dunno. In any case though, I had last night off and was able to get some sleep then, and I'm about to go back to sleep for a nap before work. Happiness.

Anyway, the point is, sleep makes a huge difference, so do friends. All week I sort of felt like I was hovering on the edge and didn't really know which way I was going to fall. Work was pissing me off and tiring me out, and yet when I took time to think about the good things, it really didn't seem so bad anymore. Then I slept. And I woke up feeling SO much better about everything. Bestest bud and I raked the Sophie cat which took quite awhile but resulted in a much sleeker looking cat and fur floating EVERYWHERE. Then best friend and I talked on the phone for an hour and half, and while I did get a bit teary eyed thinking about how far away she is, it was totally worth it.

and now, for some fantasy fiction and my bed.

it's almost over

Well, Christmas is over now, and my five in a row work week is almost over. That may sound pretty normal to most people, but because of the nature of my job, we almost never work more then four in a row. I can't remember the last time I worked a five actually. And of course it's just been a little crazy, being Christmas and all.

I'm tired, just plain tired, and can't wait to go to sleep. After this, I get five days off, and I'm quite excited. The drunk tank has been hoping, and due to short staff I've had to be shift manager twice (well, one is tonight, so it hasn't happened yet). Apparently, I have seniority, what that gives me is a whole ton of responsibility and almost no extra money. Oh well, there are good people working tonight.

The drunk tank has been filling up every single night as people drink their way through the holiday season. Detox is surprisingly full, I had predicted it would empty out during the holidays, but it hasn't seemed to. The shelter's been full every night too, but i certainly wouldn't call that unexpected. It sucks having to turn people away on Christmas though.

I have so many stories and have had NO time to write, with church and family stuff I've been super busy for the past two weeks. They're coming though! Really!

sleepy day off

This is not my cat. However, my cat also does not come with a snooze button; she is getting better though. It used to be when my alarm when off, the Sophie cat was right up on top of me, headbutting me and making sure I got out of bed. It was annoying, but also very useful, given my sleep habits.

Speaking of sleep, I'm still getting too much of it... or not enough of it, or just having a really screwed up body working the night shift I guess. This is my "weekend" right now, and somehow, and I'm really not sure how, I managed to sleep all night. That was not a good plan (well, it wasn't a plan at all really). I mean, I slept for more then 8 hours straight, which is something I didn't even know I was capable of doing. Woke up at 7AM this morning, still planning on going to 6AM yoga. Needless to say, that didn't happen.

My ceiling in my bedroom has been leaking (there was a guy up on the roof trying to fix it today actually) and so I've been sleeping on the futon in the living room. I think I've actually been getting better sleep out here despite the fact that it has an uncomfortable metal frame. Me thinks it's time for a new mattress... unfortunately I just randomly bought a new computer, so that's not really in my budget right now.

And so that's me. I'm doing okay right now. Things with the enforcer have sort of calmed down. ccf got in a big fight with him this week, which was kind of freaky, but he's laid off me for the time being. I'm a little upset that he thinks I have some sort of evil plan, but whatever, at least we're being civil to each other. I will never be liked by everyone.

Sophie cat has to go for a weigh in today. She does not know this yet. If she did, she would be hidden so well I could not find her. I think today I am simply going to pick her up and drop her in an upended cage. It may be the only way to get her in. I'll apologize later and give her a whole can of wet food for dinner or something. She's sleeping at my feet right now, looking all innocent, but let me tell you, when she sees that cage, it will be a different story!

update on the dreamer

Time for an update on me, my life, and my cat. In brief, things are going well, however, that's not a real update, so I will elaborate slightly.

I haven't decided what to do about the enforcer. Thank you all for your supportive comments and thoughts. I looked into our respectful workplace policy, and our harassment policies, and talked to some coworkers. For now, I think I'm going to document, and hold my tongue. I've been the type to rush into things, and this, I want to do properly, and without haste. If I make a complaint, I want it to be for the right reasons and have enough documentation to show a pattern of behaviour.

Yoga is going very well. I feel SO awesome. I'm starting to notice myself doing things like standing up straighter and slouching less. Sometimes it's REALLY hard to make myself stay awake and go, but it really is worth it. I've set some goals, but only in terms of class attendance, once I'm there, I let my body be the guide.

The Sophie Cat is just amazing. Right now she's lying beside me being a "purry motor". She's lost over 10% of her body weight and it's made a huge difference. When bestest bud brings her camera over I'll take some pictures for the blog, or maybe I'll just buy a camera. Either way, pictures will happen soon. She's started running around, and playing with me and by herself. She no longer lives in my closet and under the couch, I'll come home and find her sitting on her pillow in the sun, or waiting for me on the mat by the door. She sleeps with me everyday, managing to hog most of the bed. I love her!

Church is going well too. I've been looking after an 11 month old every other week during the service, and she's so cute! She's my little dose of innocence. We walk, and play, and cuddle, and it reminds me of all the good in the world and how awesome God is. I've also been going to a really great Bible study, which has been really helpful in getting me out of the house and focusing on God.

So that's my life in a nutshell. Nothing too exciting, but not too boring either! Time for Sophie and I to curl up in a sunbeam and go to sleep!

Namaste

over confidence

Okay, so I just slept from 4PM to 8AM with only minimal interruptions. That is so, so, not healthy. Neither, apparently, is my over confidence.

I've noticed at work, that my favourite supervisor has been really laying into me about putting myself in unsafe situations. Part of this it turns out is that management has been spying on us through the camera system and he got a lecture about us, but part of this is very directed at me.

At first, I was mad. I thought, what the heck, I know what I'm doing. I have experience, blah, blah, blah, I'm right, he's wrong. I was taking it as a personal insult, and I was FRUSTRATED! Because it kept happening though, I realized I should probably take a look at my behaviour and figure out what exactly was going on.

I've always thought of myself as having a healthy fear level, especially recently. Having struggled greatly with anxiety in the past, feeling confident is something relatively new for me. I tend to be more fearful them some staff members and less fearful then others.

The biggest issue seems to be in the drunk tank. As staff, we have the option of giving detainees water, or not. I rarely, rarely do, this is not my issue. The first issue seems to come in the way we wake people up. Generally, we're supposed to bang on people's doors and scream. I have a hard time with this, because sometimes everyone else is FINALLY quiet, I don't want to set it all off. I'd rather open the door, lean in, and speak loudly. If they don't wake up, then I have to "kick" them (shake gently with foot while holding door). I NEVER let go of the door, I never bend over and use a hand unless someone else is present. I'm CAREFUL.

My biggest issue seems to be however, when a client is having a medical or psychological emergency. I like to right in there with them. If the person is having a hard time breathing, I want to be in there rubbing their back and monitoring breathing. I want to be ready to perform CPR if necessary. If a client is having a panic attack, I want to be in there, looking into their eyes helping them ground themselves and breath through it. I've had panic attacks, and they're freaking scary. This, is where I get myself in trouble though. My instinct is to reassure and protect, and I tend to forget about MY safety.

Unfortunately, my supervisor's right. I need to be more careful, and I'm glad he's willing to reprimand me. See the thing is, I trust him, and I trust his judgment, he's very discerning and perceptive, and he really is trying to help me. He doesn't want to see me hurt, or on leave for PTSD. He's been there WAY longer then me, longer in fact then I've been alive. Of course he knows. He's seen it all before.

And so, goal of the week. Watch myself, and discuss. I love having a supervisor I can actually talk to, even if he's not a social worker. This week I am going to pay attention to my confidence levels, the risks I take, the risks I don't take, and the feedback I get from other staff. It sucks to be wrong, and told you need to change your actions/attitudes, but it's important, and I'm glad I have a supervisor willing to do that.

sleepy social worker

i.am.so.tired. The VBS has been okay, except for the part where it happens in the morning. Work was decent the past couple days. But right now, all I can think about is sleep. And how much I haven't gotten. So I will write about homelessness, and needle exchanges and all those fun things later.

the end.

vacation bible school

This morning I'm off to my church's vacation bible school. Two and a half hours of children and singing and games and such. I really do like children... but I'm not sure a week of this is quite my thing. My job at the church is over in two weeks though! And I have to admit, I did know about this in May, so it's not like I wasn't prepared. Still, I can't exactly say that I was excited to get up this morning!

I'm coming off nights, had one day off, and now I'm evenings. Which is fine, except that I had to be up sooooooo early this morning for the VBS. I'm hoping to nap before work this afternoon. I hope, I hope, I hope!

Yaaaay sleep!



edit: Okay, so it really wasn't all that bad. In fact, I kind of enjoyed it. The kids were soooo happy, and the youth group did all the work, so all I had to do was watch, smile and serve snack!

Lazy Sunday

I'm having an awesome lazy Sunday. Or well, I suppose it's not so much lazy as just very pressure free. I don't work tonight, so I have no agenda - well, i want to stay up late, but that's not the point...

Church went really well this morning. I still wasn't convinced my sermon was all there, but it was definitely better then last week. It also felt a lot better only working 8 hours before church as opposed to 16.

Tonight, when I'm trying to stay up all night even though I'm not at work, I'm going to work on packing, but for now, I'm relaxing. I had a good nap this afternoon, not waking up till roommate got home from work. I'll probably go back to sleep for a while in a couple hours... we'll see. I still have to work on figuring out this whole staying awake all night when not working thing. Cause I really feel like I'll need to do that. Not sure how I can maintain a schedule if I don't.

Work was not exciting yesterday. There was nothing wrong with it, just nothing out of the ordinary. Had another experience where I released people from IPDA who seemed totally sober and nice and then were jerks when they got out. Also had a woman trying to make love to her cell door...

one more post before "bed time"

Sleep and I are having another battle. Unfortunately, I seem to be losing. I finally have time to sleep. My schedule has evened out, even before my permanent position starts. A week and a half of evenings, and then nights for all eternity. So anyway, you'd think this would be awesome for my sleep patterns. No, instead, I'm not sleeping! This from the girl who has basically spent the last three months asleep.

I'm quite frustrated about it, but trying not to be because I know that will only make my sleep worse. It's a falling asleep thing, but it's also a staying asleep thing, and a nightmare thing. Yesterday I had a dream about Brittney Spears, how freaky is that! Especially considering I don't listen to her music, or really give a care. I also dreamed Kiwi were on sale for 23 cents each... that wasn't a nightmare though! But, that is not that point.

The point is. I'm scared to turn off the computer and go to sleep tonight. Last night I probably read for two hours, even though I yawned my way through work, was too tired to blog, too tired to shower, too tired to eat etc... I got into bed, and then just couldn't sleep. The night before that was worse, and I didn't get to sleep till sunrise. I was lucky enough to catch a nap after church/before work. Day before that I'm convinced I only slept for an hour or two total, it was our girls night, but still, I'm usually a good sleeper! It's sleeping too much that's my problem!

But, alas, I know how I can help myself, I should probably just get off my butt and do it. More exercise, less coffee, and taking those little blue pills (that aren't Viagra) when I'm having a hard time with sleep. I really will write a post about sleeping pills one of these days! Just not tonight.

the end.