Things that keep me sane right now

I can't remember the last time that I didn't have something to do. I would guess that it was the summer between grade 10 and grade 11, about eleven years ago. Even then, I babysat more days than I didn't, and worked at gymnastics camp, so if we're really looking back, the last time I had this long a break would have to be when I was about twelve.

It's been two whole weeks of unemployment. It's definitely a BIG change for me.

I started school when I was five, I did the normal kindergarten to grade 12. I worked the summer between grade 12 and university, and for the next four years I worked/took classes/went to practicum and worked over the summer. I started my first "real" job the day after my graduation. Each time I've switched jobs I've taken less than a week to make the transition. Now, I'm finally having a real and true break. It's weird.

The first week was kind of nice, I babysat a couple of times, had a couple of appointments, kept myself busy. Last week was a little harder, but for the most part, I found a daily activity, something to get me out of the house, this upcoming week, who knows. But, there are some things keeping me sane, and so, in typical me fashion, I close this post with, a list.

Things that keep me sane right now:
- setting my alarm clock
- having a reason to get up each day (without one, I just don't get up)
- the alarm clock on my coffee maker
- daily yoga practice
- the gym
- my friends
- getting out EVERY day
- planning ahead, so there's always something to fill my time
- being nice to myself
- taking things slow
- daily job search
- eating
- sleeping at night

and I'm sure many other things, but that's it for now!

Projection aka The Sophie Cat WILL be lonely for me while I'm away

According to wikipedia (such a reliable source I know) Freud says that "projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one 'projects' one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires and feelings onto someone else". In my work, I see projection a lot, however I haven't really been thinking about it a lot in terms of myself, and certainly not in terms of my relationship with Sophie Cat! Today I went to see my counsellor, who I see about once every five weeks or so, just to check in, and she pointed out to me that I seemed to be placing a lot of care and concern on what Sophie Cat might be feeling about life events worry about how they might affect her, without really being able to clearly articulate that I might be having similar feelings.

Monday, I got the keys to my new house. My new roommate and her cat move in on Thursday, and the cats and I move in next Wednesday. Then the last two weeks of September, I am going on a vacation with my dad and leaving my cats with my roommate to look after. Naturally, I expect that Sophie Cat is going to hate this. That she's going to have anxiety, that's she's going to be stressed, that she's going to pine for me. I worry that she'll get sick, or stop eating, or go back to her old evil, angry and hissing self. I worry that she'll hate the new cat and that things won't work out. I worry that she'll miss me terribly. And while these concerns are semi realistic (cats don't like change, especially Sophie Cat, there may also be some projection going on here).

Perhaps, I'm a bit nervous about not liking my roommate, just as I'm worried that Sophie will hate the new cat. Perhaps I'm a lot worried about getting homesick for my house and my cats, just like I'm worried Sophie won't like the new set up. Perhaps I'm worried that with my limited diet I won't be able to find food I can eat. And I'm sure there's some part of me that worries about what it will be like spending two weeks with my father. (I probably won't start hissing any more than I already do though...)

So these week, I plan to spend more time paying attention to projection. Not just what I'm projecting onto the cat, but what I'm projecting on to other people. I think it's an important thing to look at, particularly with clients, but in my personal life as well. It will be interesting to look at, and see if I notice anything. Also, I think I'll pay a little extra attention to my Sophie Cat. For both ours sakes!

on disclosure and/or did I tell you that?

That's a picture of her highness madam Sophie Cat licking out the inside of an empty cat food bag. I always give them the bag to play with, but I've never seen her disappear completely into it until tonight. The picture reminds me of being a counsellor in some ways, because for the most part, we stick a lot of our personal lives away in back corner and we don't talk about them with clients; they only see a little piece of us, like the tail sticking out of the bag. It's not a perfect metaphor, but the picture works for today's topic.

As a counsellor, I try to be quite "real" with clients. I share perhaps slightly more about my personal life than some, but I think for the most part, I really am quite guarded. All of my clients know I like cats, of course, they can't help but know as soon as they set foot in my office. Many of them also know that I have a second job and where it is, and I'm okay with that. For the most part though, that's it. I see know point in giving out information about my personal life unless it's relevant to the client and in their best interests. The point of counselling is certainly not for me to tell MY story. When I do groups I think I tend to share more of myself, simply because I am constantly having to come up with examples. Even then, they mostly revolve around fairly generic things, such as the fact that I have friends, and a family, nothing very specific.

Because of the above, it surprised me, when a client recently commented not just on me moving into my house, but on me getting a roommate. You see, I very much do NOT remember telling her this, and I'm really not sure why I would have. I might have shared with the group she was in that I was moving (and honestly it was probably in the context of cats, and how they don't like change, and how people don't either), but I have no idea why I would talk about the roommate thing. I didn't tell my family till yesterday. I mentioned the situation to a couple people on my team and the best we can figure is that the client must have over heard me talking to my coworkers at some point, listened, and remembered. Either that or I'm really not paying attention to what I'm saying.

I think, regardless of how the client found out about the details of my life, it's a reminder to watch what I say at work. I need to be more mindful about disclosure and make sure I am keeping the focus on the client, including the small talk we make. It also means that I probably need to watch my volume and watch where I am talking to coworkers, especially remembering that the room we eat lunch in has vents which carry sound quite far. There are definitely some things I share with coworkers, particularly over lunch, that I wouldn't want my clients to know about.

As professionals, there is so much power in what we say, and I think it's good to remind myself o this more often than I do. Words have power, and clients pay attention to what we say. Time to start paying closer attention to my words.

Melancholy

Melancholy: a deep, pensive, and long lasting sadness.

I think that melancholy might be a good word to describe how I'm feeling right now. It's hard to explain really. When my naturopath asked me today, the best I could come up with was "contemplative" and that didn't quite do it, so I thought about it some more, and melancholy really seems to fit, especially the part about being pensive. I'm not sure quite what I'm thinking about, and some of it's definitely good, but I'm definitely thinking, and pondering, and just generally, pensive.

The number one thing on my mind these days is "growing up". Now, I don't mean that in the way of now I'm not a kid anymore, I've just noticed lately, that I'm more grown up and more comfortable in my roles than I used to be. I've been working with a few people at the shelter lately who've been younger than me (which is a nice change, to be honest) and it's started to really strike me just how much I've grown and changed since I started working there more than three years ago, and for the most part, in a good way. When I started working there, everything was new and exciting, and I had story after story after story to tell. I was enthusiastic, wanting to learn, and always looking for something to do. I see that a lot in our new staff, especially some of the younger ones. Now, it's not that I'm not enthusiastic, and I don't do extra stuff, and I still LOVE learning and hearing people's stories, that stuff is still all true, I guess it's just that I've settled into my role. It doesn't need to be exciting anymore though, I'm okay with quiet shifts; if there's nothing to do, I'm okay with sitting back and observing. Situations that I might have found exciting, or scary, or challenging in the past are no longer quite so extreme. I don't think I've hardened or become bitter, I just think I've adapted, gained experience and gained confidence. I've also gotten a lot more experienced in how things work in terms of policies, staff dynamics, and client dynamics, which helps A LOT when working in social services. New staff ask me questions, and now lots of times the answer is "I've stopped asking" (I haven't decided if that's good or not, one gave me a great ethical dilemma that I'm still mulling over).

And then there's my full time job. I've been working as a social worker/counsellor for more than two years now and I am now the most senior person on my team. Some days I feel like I'm really comfortable in my role, that I'm a good counsellor, other days, I feel like I'm just playing at my job and not really doing anything. I realize that's normal and I may never get over it, I've just been thinking about it a lot more lately. Counselling is such a hard thing to evaluate though, in other professions I might be able to have objective measures of how things are going, but I find it very hard to figure out this. I mean, most clients thank me and make another appointment and are hopefully moving towards there goals, but there are also a huge chunk of clients who drop off the face of the earth, or who don't move towards the program goal (employment) and I have to close their file whether they like it or not. (Someday I will work in a program that does not have a specific end result and where success is not measured by only one outcome, and my job security does not depend on the percentage of clients who meet that goal).

Finally there's me as a person. I've had a few different people lately compliment me on how friendly and how nice I am. I have a hard time with this. Not because I don't believe that I'm friendly and nice, because I am, but because I feel like I haven't been putting any effort into being friendly and nice and there is so much more I could be doing. I almost feel like I've been avoiding being friendly and nice, and yet, here I am, getting these compliments. This both confuses me and gives me hope. I'm glad that I am coming across that way, because it's the person I want to be, but I wish I could see it in myself. I guess I'll just have to watch harder!

Defining Normal

I was thinking today about what makes something "normal". What makes a behaviour normal, what pushes it over the line into abnormal? What makes a state of mind normal, and when does it become a problem? Who gets to decide what normal is?

A little background, this issue came to mind as I was thinking about my reactions to some current stresses in my life with moving, home ownership, friends, and work. I'm perhaps particularly sensitive towards my reactions in light of the negative reaction of the insurance company towards my anxiety. Either way, as I stood in my shower crying, I asked myself, "is this normal?" I decided that it was, and that I am indeed having a healthy reaction towards stressful events in my life, but it got me thinking about how often I "make" that decision for other people as well.

Working as a counsellor, I have a many, many clients who worry that they are not "normal", or in fact, label themselves as "crazy" and/or "nut jobs". As a general rule I am quick to reassure people that are "normal" and are not in fact "crazy", and I'm not sure I've ever really thought about what a enormous power that is. I tend not even to think about it, my instant reaction when someone tells me they're "crazy" is to defend them to themselves. I'm not proud of this reaction. I think perhaps a more helpful response and one I already do to some extent use, but should probably use more, is to explore what is going on for the person at that moment. What has led them to wonder if they are crazy, how might they describe similar behaviours/thoughts in someone else etc... Because really, do I know what normal is? I have a fairly good understanding that somethings are "not normal". For example, spending hours starring at a flag pole waiting to see if you can catch a glimpse of the wind is not generally considered mentally healthy, especially when the police have to remove you from said flagpole for your own safety. Spending more of your day in tears than out of tears is also not generally considered normal or healthy. The same goes for hearing voices, running through the streets naked, binge eating and then purging or a whole host of other behaviours.

The behaviours I just talked about definitely fall more on the "not normal" side of things. But what about things like being anxious about a job interview? Perfectly normal, right? But what about when that anxiety makes it impossible for you to attend the interview and leaves you shaking in your bed? Not so normal anymore, right? Crying every day for two weeks might be considered a sign of depression, or a perfectly normal response to the death of a close friend or relative.

I wonder if perhaps a better way to address the question of whether a person is "normal" or not, is to explore the issue further with them, and then to provide information. I think I do this, and maybe could do more of this. So for the person who asks me if crying every day for two weeks is normal, we would explore what had started this, what had happened before hand, what was triggering it etc... I can provide information about the symptoms of depression, or reactions to grief etc... This then could be normalizing, without coming out and using my power as the counsellor to declare someone normal or not normal. Because regardless of my intention and effort to label as a behaviour, there would always be the risk that this was taken as a judge of the whole person.

I still have SO much more to say about this, but for tonight, this is all my eyes can stay open for. Stay tuned for next time when I look at whether "we" even want to be normal!

a less whiny post about bachelorette parties

So, I've had a lot more time to calm down and think seriously about this whole Bachelorette party thing from both a personal and more general perspective and I thought I'd share some of my thoughts.

For starters, my friend's bachelorette party is not going to be totally crazy or horribly sexual or anything like that. Some wine, appetizers, and conversation, perhaps with a few games at one of the bridesmaid's places, and then off to the bar for some dancing. Now personally, I hate the bar, I've locked up a few too many drunk people in my day (working in the drunk tank) to enjoy being around a whole bunch of drunk people, however, it's her day, so I suppose I will go.

In theory, I like the idea of a bachelorette party. It's a nice way for the girls to get together and celebrate the bride and mark the change that is about to occur in her life. You get to play fun games, maybe be a little bit "kinky" and let loose a bit. I'm all about that. I see absolutely nothing wrong with drinking a bit, eating a bit, and laughing a lot. I think it's great. For me, where it becomes a problem is when it becomes more than that, when it turns into something degrading, cruel and dangerous.

First of all, there's the degradation of both males and females. The male part is easy, we put up plastic penises (and by we, I simply mean females), we scour the bars looking for them in order to exploit them for drinks and/or money and we mock them. One might say that a bachelorette party is a way of expressing ones feminism and celebrate being female, however, I tend to disagree. I read about one game in which the bride to be has lifesavers pinned all over her shirt and men pay her in order to suck on her shirt, degrading to both parties if you ask me. The same goes for getting points for getting a man to buy you a drink, let you sit on his lap, or let you kiss him. Degrading for both parties. The entire idea of a bachelorette "gone wild" shows women to be drunk sex objects, rather than human beings.

Then there's the sex thing. These type of parties turn sex into a commodity, human sexuality into something to be bought and sold, won and lost, a subject to be joked about, trivialized and made into a show. And here's the thing, if you ask me, sex isn't those things. Sex is something precious and personal that happens between two (or I suppose more) people. Our culture says that sex is nothing, that it's just something that happens, that it's casual, that it's "no big deal", but I really don't agree with that. I think sex is something much deeper, much more meaningful, and leaves a deeper impression on people than our society would like us to believe.

Old fashioned as this idea may be, I believe that anything that happens at a bachelorette should be something that the groom to be would not be hurt, disappointed, or disgusted to find out about. That's not to say that there shouldn't be girly sharing, laughing, and giggling, and that some things should never leave the room, just as a general principle, if you wouldn't do it around your husband, you probably shouldn't be doing it at your party.

So, for any of you reading this who may at some point plan be a bachelorette party, take note. I don't want to go to a bar, I don't want there to be giant plastic penises everywhere, and I don't want to go trolling for men. What I want, is to spend some quality time with my girlfriends, have a lot of laughs, eat some food (cheesecake anyone?) and drink some wine.

(maybe some day I'll get around to talking about bachelor parties, although really, I have pretty much the same views on them too).

The frustrations of a time limited program

I work in a program which is supposed to be a one year employment program for adults with mental health concerns. It's a great program and I have a great job. The one thing that frustrates me is that because of the way we're funded, it's only supposed to be a year.

In one sense, the limited nature of the funding means that we are constantly pushing ourselves to work hard as our contract gets renewed at the end of each year based on the fact that a certain percentage of our clients find employment. Unfortunately, our funding is not based on a percentage of our clients maintaining employment or finding the job that works for them.

Our program starts with four weeks of preemployment workshops/groups/classes, whatever you want to call them. They're half day and are supposed to help people get back in the routine of working. They're quite structured and we take attendance and have small homework expectations, mostly reflections. We cover things like stress management, assertiveness, problem solving, cover letters, interviews etc... It's great. The problem is though, that sometimes after the workshops there's a big let down and/or clients discover they aren't quite ready to commit to looking for work. They need more TIME.

Then there's the mental illness factor. I don't know about most people, but at least with my anxiety, while there are some patterns to it, there are also times I really don't see it coming. The same is true for my clients, and often what is needed is more TIME to stabilize. Unfortunately, the lack of stability often sees us discharging clients when perhaps the routine and support of our program is what they need the most.

And finally, for today at least. There's the employment support factor. We provide people with an employment support counsellor to help them keep their jobs. But lots of times issues don't surface in the first three or six months of a job, they come a bit later. Or people lose one job, get another, and don't have much time to work with employment support to plan how to not lose their current job.

This isn't the world's most coherent post, but I really wanted to get back to posting about social work, and this is a start!

The counsellor goes for counselling (aka I'm a bad client...)

I am fairly sure that on some level I drive my counsellor crazy. I honestly don't remember exactly what prompted me to email the Employee Assistance Program about counselling or how long ago it was. I suppose I could look in my calendar, but my calender is in the living room and I'm in the bedroom with my foot iced and elevated. They had me set up for an appointment in less than a week. The for profit world boggles my mind. I know they said it was fast service, but I was thinking at least a month. In any case, I digress.

I am not sure how I feel about this whole "going to counselling thing". I mean, I've done it before and had a really good experience, but I'm having a lot of ambiguity about it now. The goal was to deal with my mom's impending death and I was very clear that I did not want to change ANYTHING about myself... now I'm not so sure. My therapist seems to have a hard time with my ambiguity. Whenever I mention I'm not sure I should be in counselling she seems to get rather defensive. Sometimes she just calls me on my bullshit though, which is a much better approach. I think it is hard for me to accept that I'm back in this place. That there's still stuff I need to work on. That there's unfinished business in my life (of course I say all this at the wise old age of 23...)

This post isn't really making sense, and for that I apologize. I guess I'm just really not sure how I feel about counselling, and I'm having a hard time talking that out with my counsellor. On the other hand, she pointed out I haven't been writing and perhaps that is another reason I haven't been processing. So I'm trying to write.

chronic suicide ideation

As most of you know, I work in a program for adults with mental illness who want to reenter the workforce. One of the main criteria for program admission is current stability. In other words, you have to be emotionally ready to work and have enough control over your symptoms to function in a work environment. We'll support you, we'll advocate for you, we'll work with your employer, we'll help you, etc, but we aren't a placement agency, we help people find jobs in main stream employment. Of course, because no one is perfect and mental illness can be unpredictable, not all over our clients are able to find employment, and they don't all remain stable. Right now, I'm working with a client who is very not stable, and it's a little bit outside my comfort zone.

Said client is chronically suicidal. Suicide ideation is part of her daily life. However, since entering our program she has attempted suicide on three different occasions. She was not stable enough to maintain employment. So, it came time to discharge her and refer her to more appropriate services. So I did... refer her that is. She and her doctor decided that a hospital day program was a good option for her, it offers DBT and CBT skills training and would provide her with tools and a lot more support then our program can. So the client and I agreed that I would discharge her as soon as she started the program...

The program kept bumping her date of admission back, and so, two and a half months later, here we are. We meet for counselling, but I feel like we're getting no where. Every session is potentially our second last session (we'll do a last one for closing once she starts) and because her suicide ideation is so prevalent it's almost all we talk about. We have safety planned so many times that both of us could probably recite the whole thing backwards, forwards and upside down. The crisis lines have heard from her day in and day out for months. The mobile team won't see her right now because it's a "long standing issue". I was out of ideas.

So, when I saw her for the second time this week, an extra session, just to get her through till her day program starts Monday (we hope, we hope, we hope) I took a totally different approach. Rather then doing the whole ASIST thing where you explore reasons for death, reasons for life, align yourself with the side that wants to live, safety plan and contract (which I don't do anyway), I thought, we'll, this isn't changing anything, screw this. So, we talked about death. We talked about who finds her body, we talked about how long it stays in her apartment, we talked about who feeds her gerbil, we talked about her funeral, her ashes, the affect on different people in her life, and you know what, our session went a whole lot better. I wasn't frustrated (something my student noticed in our last session) and I left more room for silence and thinking. She wasn't forced to answer the same questions (with the same answer "I don't know") as usual. It certainly wasn't the answer, and it certainly didn't fix her suicide ideation, but it seemed to be a better approach.

In April I'm going to a two day workshop about working with chronic suicide ideation and it's connection to trauma. I'm super excited. I felt very unequipped in this situation, and while I did make all sorts of appropriate community referrals, the person she felt comfortable talking to was me. So I did research, I consulted coworkers and my supervisor and I kept in mind that not only do I not know everything, but I don't have to know everything.

realities of life

I haven't posted about death in quite a while. Since switching jobs, I haven't had nearly as many encounters with death, although I will say that every time I work at the shelter, one of the first things I find out is if anyone has died. So, it surprised me yesterday, when my father told me about a client from two jobs ago who died this week, a attender of the church I attended in my first couple years of university, and more recently, someone I locked up in the drunk tank at the shelter.

Anora was a broken woman, rarely have a met someone with SO much anger and pain inside, and yet, she tried to fight, as best she could. A woman, who grew up surrounded by drugs, abuse, alcohol, gangs, neglect and suffering, full of instability, it all came with her to her adult life. Trauma doesn't disappear when you turn eighteen.

Anora was found dead in a pool of her own vomit. She didn't make it through that nights drinking and drugs. We'll never know if she intended to die that night or just went a little overboard and her tired body couldn't handle anymore.

Very honestly, and this really surprised me, I hope she wanted to die. Not because I think her life was so horrible there was no help for her, but because I hope that she was ready to go. I hope this wasn't an accident and there was still some fight left in her, I hope she didn't intend to wake up the next morning full of possibilities, I hope this was on her terms, and her time. Or perhaps, she simply gave up caring, which is the most likely scenario given what I know of her.

And so today, I mourn the lose of Anora, and I pray that people will continue to make an effort for others like her, so that not every tragic story has to end in more tragedy.

mindlessness perhaps the opposite of mindfullness

I had an awesome day today.

Starbucks, pick up people for church.

I lead the service a church this morning (sermon and all) and I didn't die during the children's story. Children's stories are NOT my forte.

After church I drove people home and then began watching Grey's Anatomy.

Lunch with bestest bud at Olive Garden (Soup, Salad, and Bread sticks).

The a quick bit of shopping with bestest bud including a pair of yoga pants to wear during movie watching marathons while on vacation, which coincidently, commences in 11 days.

The home to watch the rest of Grey's, hug the cats, check out this new NCIS: Los Angelos thing and start to get caught up on my CSI:NY watching. I haven't finished last season on that one yet.

And so, now I'm heading to be early. all in all. a wonderful day.

learning contract

So I haven't given you guys an update on my social work student since my panic earlier this month. I had NO idea having a student would be this much work. Or well, I sort of did, but really, it's A LOT of work! I think I'm settling into a routine with her now though, which is really helpful. There was one week when I came into work an hour early on the days she was there as well as leaving late so that I could get all my work done while still spending time with her. Of course, I also had to work on training our new counsellor, so I was trying to do a crazy amount of work...

So, things I've learned so far (some of which I was warned about, some of which I'm figuring out on my own).

1. Having a student makes you hyper aware of what you are doing. I haven't had someone observe one of my counselling session since I did a video session in third year university. Now I have someone observing and critiquing my counselling. I also have to pay a lot more attention to how I spend my time because two days a week, there's someone watching everything I do.

2. I need to slow down. I always need to slow down, so this isn't actually new, however, having a student forces me to take the time to slow down and really think about what I am doing and why.

3. Shoes are an important thing. I have a habit of not wearing shoes while at work. I wear them when I see clients, but other then that... It drives my boss crazy, and if she "made" me wear them, I would make more of an effort, but mostly she just shakes her head. However, now that I have a student, I've started thinking about what kind of an example I'm setting as a professional, and realizing... hmmm shoes... probably a good thing.

4. Having a student makes me go back to basics. I found her my "basic counselling responses" text book and took a good look at it myself. It made me think about some of those basic things which have in a way become second nature to me.

5. Having a student also brings me back to some of that "impostor syndrome" I've felt in the past. That whole, I can't do this, who am I to be calling me a social worker type thing. Only in this case, it's all about not screwing the poor girl up or having her expose me as a fake.

On the whole, I really like having a student. I think she's going to bring a lot to our organization. Having a student means we all act a little "sharper", but it also means we get a new perspective, someone who is right now reading the most current up to the date stuff and learning lots of great things in school. I enjoy helping some one else learn about their passions, about social work and about being a professional. I love reading her reflections and trying to challenge her thinking and get her to explore some of her own strengths and weaknesses. I hopefully will get to keep doing this, because I think it is such a wonderful thing.

Health Day

So, today I took a "health day" not a "sick" day, but a health day. In other words, I took a day off before I got sick, hopefully to prevent said sickness. Working a job by myself which is supposed to have to people has been wearing on me, and so a couple weeks ago I decided I would plan a day to call in sick. Then after last weeks craziness it became even more necessary. The beauty of planning a sick day, is you can plan to have no appointments that day. That way it doesn't screw up things for your clients or your team members and there's no catch up when you get back.

So what did I do for said "health day"? Well it wasn't maybe the most relaxing day ever or anything, but I did get some things accomplished that needed doing, which make me feel like my life is more under control. I got the oil changed on my car, got groceries, did laundry, washed dishes, had a nap (wonderfulness), saw best friend, snuggled with the cats and read an entire book. It was great. Now I'm just hoping I can sleep tonight despite the napping.

I wish workplaces could me more accepting of the need for such "health days". My supervisor was awesome about it. I actually told her what I was doing, so she knew ahead of time we'd be down staff. She's always saying we don't do enough self care, so it seemed like a safe bet she'd be okay with it. At my old job however, at the shelter, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this. They were a lot stricter about needing doctor's notes and such. Then again, it's a lot easier for my program to run with less staff then it is for the shelter.

So, what's your workplace policy on taking a mental health day or a personal day. Is it an unofficial policy? Or is it totally frowned upon when employees take time off when they're not physically sick to the point of being completely unable to work?

taking a vacation

WestJet is by far my favourite airline, and in just 45 short days I will be taking a plane, just like the one pictured, to go see one of my very best friends. I can't tell you how excited I am. The catch? I've never met her before. So, how are we such good friends? Well it all started five years ago when I was young and angsty... (And now it's time for story time with Still Dreaming).

Back in first year university, my life was pretty screwed up. I was living in residence and spending much of my time with two pretty disfunctional older woman at the non-profit I was involved in. Of course, being at Bible College, things got pretty touchy feely one night and I was all like "i cut myself" and yada, yada, yada... No alcohol involved in my "confession" either. So then we made this convenant to tell people and blah, blah, blah, I told these two women (okay, this is turning into a horrible story). The point is, that since we couldn't find a face to face support group they suggested I look online. And I found this awesome support forum.

This forum was my "everything" for a really long time. I couldn't go for very long without looking at it. And as I spent more time on it, I began to make friends. Good friends. Of course then came holidays and birthdays and we would even exchange letters and cards. And some of the friendships I developed way back then I still have today. Including the friendship I have with the person I'm going to see. I seriously can't imagine my life without her. She knows just about everything there is to know about me.

What I found interesting, while reading the message boards, was the number of teenagers on it who reported that their therapists didn't want them being a part of the community. Now, I understand a therapists hesitation. The internet can be WAY out there, and I think we more commonly think of websites encouraging disordered behaviour such as "pro-ana" websites. It's important however not to put things in boxes and label them as good or bad. Some websites are good for some people and some aren't. Whatever helps the person, and finds them support should be encouraged, not restricted.

Another common assumption is that "online" relationships aren't as meaningful or valuable as "real life" relationships. This is something I both agree and disagree with. I love my "real life" friends, or perhaps I should say, the friends in my city, but I also have great relationships with friends who've moved away or I've met in other places. And very honestly, my online relationships are just as "real" to me. Maybe it's a generation thing, but it doesn't bother me that I haven't met them.

So in anycase, I'm super excited to be taking some holidays to spend with an amazing friend! I'm counting down the days :D

rant around the clock

I'm having an issue at work that I'm kind of getting sick of. My clients seem to have a VERY difficult time keeping their appointments. Now, I don't mind the occasional missed appointment that was forgotten about, and I of course don't mind rescheduling with notice, but this is getting ridiculous. It bothers me on a number of levels, and I'm not really sure what the reason behind things is.

Now it is true that my client population is dealing with mental heath concerns, this can definitely affect memory and sense of time. However, everyone who gets into my program has to be fairly stable. We're not usually working with people who are actively psychotic (although of course it happens every now and again). So this could be one reason.

Now the other reason that my coworkers and I have discussed is that we are a free center and there is no consequence for missed appointments. If a client misses an appointment, nothing bad happens. We reschedule. That's it. It's not something they're paying for, and maybe that gives it less value? Perhaps because there are no consequences when something else comes up or they don't feel like coming in, they don't.

My program still uses the Psychosocial Recovery Model (PSR Model) which, although old, has some value. There is a huge emphasis on client responsibility and client decision making and empowerment (which are great) but it also means that we don't chase after our clients as a general rule. We don't require them to come to appointments, it's their choice.

I think what frustrates me, is that I put aside time in my day for a client, that I could give to another client or use for my never ending pile of documentation. Instead, I'm left wondering whether they'll come in or not. For many clients, I do prep work and it's frustrating when they're a no show. It also bugs me on a personal level (as opposed to professional) that I managed to show up for all my therapy session when I was in therapy, why can't they, but that's not something that's all that relevant really.

So that's my rant for the day. I'm SICK of it. But, life will go on, mine, and theirs.

Social Worker...

Here we have a picture of me giving Oliver Lockhart a bath. He looks sort of like I've been feeling.

I finally feel like a social worker, for all the wrong reasons. I feel like a social worker because my case load suddenly doubled because the other counsellor is leaving. I feel like a social worker because our 8 person team only has 6 people, one of whom just got fired. I feel like a social worker because I have tension in my back. I feel like a social worker because I sometimes take at least a full day to respond to my clients phone calls, and I'm often a day behind on my documentation.

Fortuntately, the good stuff keeps me going.

I feel like a social worker because I can see that there are clients whose lives I am making a difference in. I feel like a social worker because people respect my opinion, even though I rarely give it. I feel like a social worker because I can write letters of support for people to other professionals and believe that they'll mean something. I feel like a social worker because I finally have work to do all day instead of reading "Stuff Christians Like" all morning. I feel like a social worker because I'm finally starting to understand the ins and outs of the multiple systems that make up "the system" even though I thought I knew them before. I feel like a social worker because I KNOW that I'll never learn it all.

Tomorrow I'm headed to a workshop for the morning, then a goodbye lunch for the other counsellor, and then we'll see. I have a counselling session booked and I have to fix a letter I'm writing for my supervisor/team.

My spiritual director taught me a very neat prayer that dates back over 1000 years. It is a simple reflection on that which you are most grateful for and that which you are least grateful for. Today it is as follows:

I am most grateful for an evening spent with the cats, tea and a mystery novel (as well as a couple episodes of The Simpsons). I am least grateful for the stress at work which causes me tension and for the stomach ache I've had on and off today.

Housing Part Four: Barriers to Safe Housing

So now that I’ve written about kinds of housing, reason people need housing, and what safe housing looks like, it’s only fitting to consider some of the barriers to safe housing.  Why, in an industrialized nation such as Canada doesn’t everyone have safe housing?? 

Numbers

The fact is, where I live, there number of people in need of safe housing simply outweigh the number of units available.  I live in a city with an extremely low vacancy rate, and that rate is spread through all levels of housing.  If we were to measure the number of people living in substandard, crowded and unsafe housing and compare it to the current vacancy rate the difference would be staggering.  There just isn’t enough housing. 

Money

When you rent an apartment, there is more to think about then just the cost of rent.  There’s also the damage deposit, and this is a big one.  Almost always, no damage deposit means no rental, and in some cases you are expected to put down first and last month’s rent as well.  This can be simply unreachable for people living on fixed incomes, and since you don’t get your last damage deposit back till you move out… Oh, and did I mention that it is impossible to rent an apartment one what our social assistance system pays for a single persons rent, let alone a safe one? 

Poor Rental History/Bad References

Once you develop a spotty rental history, it’s really hard to get away from it.  I actually had a client turned down as soon as the caretaker saw his name, he’d heard rumors about him in the area and wasn’t willing to risk it.  For someone trying to turn their life around, it can be really frustrating to get shot down for this reason.  Of course, looking at the landlord’s perspective, why risk it! 

Disability

When you have a disability, including mental health concerns, finding housing becomes even harder.  How do you find a place, which meets your unique needs, often on a fixed income?  With such a low vacancy rate, even less are assessable, and even less of those are affordable. 

Literacy/Language

Another barrier to finding safe housing is literacy and language.  What if you can’t read or speak English.  How do you go through ads, answer and ask questions etc… if you can’t follow the language.  Immigrants often have a very difficult time finding housing and often have little money, which adds to the problem. 

Discrimination

I’d love to say that I live in a country where no one cares about the colour of a person’s skin, or the fact that two men are renting a one-bedroom apartment.  But I don’t.  And the truth is, there are some groups of people who are going to be able to find housing a lot more easily then others.  For example, it took me a total of two apartment visits to find one I wanted this time.  And I got it.  Actually, I got both; it’s just that I only needed one, so I chose the one that best suited my needs.  Of course, I’m a white professional, and that does matter, even though it shouldn’t. 

 

Housing Part Two: Who needs housing?

I’m assuming that the majority of people reading this blog have some form of safe housing.  This is simply based on what I know about the demographics of those who comment.  However, I’m also going to make the assumption that at some point in our lives, all of us have had to, or will have to, look for housing.  Because the answer to who finds themselves in need of housing, is everyone.  It just happens that for some of us, it’s easier to find housing then for others. And so we’ll begin here, with situations that create that need.  This of course doesn’t cover all of them, but gives an example.

Apartments being turned into Condominiums

I don’t know what things are like in your part of the world, but where I live, apartment building after apartment building after apartment building is being bought, upgraded, turned into condos and it’s residents asked to vacate the premises.  While there are laws around timing of this, it is still a daily reality. 

Aging out

Perhaps it’s your parents telling you it’s time to find your own place, aging out of the foster care system or adolescent mental health system, perhaps you’re aging out of something else.  The point is an inevitability of life such as aging can play a huge impact on a persons need for housing. 

Separation, Divorce, Death of Spouse

When a family splits up a need for housing is often created for at least one of its members.  For example, a client of mine wound up homeless after he and his wife split up.  His wife and children stayed in their residence and he bounced from family member to family member until there was nowhere left for him. 

Lose or Change of employment/income

A person generally lives in housing for which the rent is paid by their income.  A change in income therefore can lead to a necessary change in housing.  Job loss by one member of the family, a decision to go back to school, the loss of benefits or other income bonuses can have a huge impact on the level of housing a family is able to afford. Income can also be lost due to disability, mental health concerns, long-term illness, addiction etc…

When everything goes wrong all at once

Maybe it starts with the car breaking down, then a family member becomes ill, rent increases, and then you lose your job.  Another client describes the lead up to being homeless as starting with one little thing and snowballing from there. 

Above Market Rent Increases

Where I live there is legislation governing how much rent can go up in a given year.  However, landlords can apply to increase rent over this if they can prove why they need to.  This can lead a person to no longer be able to afford their suite for no reason other then this, and it can happen to anyone. 

Accessibility

As people age, they develop the need for more assessable buildings.  Perhaps a building with an elevator instead of stairs.  Or maybe it’s a child who needs the assess ability.  Lots of reasons that you may need to look for a place with better access. 

 

Housing Part One: Types of Housing

CB’s recent post about housing inspired me to do a short series of my own on housing, from a few different perspectives and looking at different types of housing as well as the different problems facing those who are looking for and attempting to maintain housing.  For today, we’ll start by looking at the different types of housing available where I live. 

Private Owned Property

This is very basic.  You buy a house or a condo and you live in it.  This is perhaps the “ideal” for housing, and what many people aim for.  Buying property enables you to gain equity, rather then simply having your rent sucked away. While housing can still be in a bad neighbourhood, you are free to make improvements as necessary. 

Private Rental Property

Again, basic housing, a house or apartment you rent.  These of course vary in their quality and location from the lowest of the low to first class furnished apartments.  In a rental suite, you pay rent to the landlord or rental company and in turn they are supposed to do necessary repairs, maintain the building and treat you fairly.  Obviously, this does not always happen.  For the most part, the more you pay, the more you get. 

Subsidized Rental Property

This is a system in which the government subsidizes some suites in a variety of buildings and areas through private companies.  Basically, you pay a certain percentage of your income; the government covers the rest (and property owners may give a discount) and get to stay in a nicer place then you could afford on your own.  I personally think this a great system, although many people have a huge issue with putting “poor” people in with “normal” people.  When they move to a building they don’t want there to be welfare recipients or low-income earners there. 

Public Housing

This is housing run by the government.  It operates on a percentage of income; you don’t have to be on social assistance to live there.  Often these buildings are grouped together, or a large amount of row housing is in a common area creating a little “town”.  These places are some of the most dangerous places in the city, and many have a police office in one of the row houses, or if nothing else, reserved parking for the police.  It’s just expected that they’ll be needed.  Many of the buildings are totally overrun by bedbugs and mice and are in awful states of disrepair.  I’m not sure I could actually spend the night in one.  BUT some people really like the sense of community they feel living in these areas.  Often family is living nearby and neighbours become friends. 

Rooming Houses

Just as it sounds, a rooming house is a house in which you rent a room.  While some are okay, most are the kind of places I won’t go visit clients alone.  Shared bathroom, shared kitchen, little enforcement of rules.  Dirt, bugs, filth, rodents, drugs, prostitution, exploitation etc…  At some the conditions are inhumane with little running water, poor insulation and other structural problems.  The fire risk is huge, and when there’s fire, people often die. 

Hotels

Then there’s the hotel system.  Many hotels in the core area offer rent by the month.  These are ancient hotels in bad repair.  A lot of them don’t have separate bathrooms, or any kitchen facilities.  The most popular establishment is the bar on the main floor.  I remember when doing practicum, one of my clients would meet me at the door and walk me back out because he didn’t feel that I was safe walking down the hallway alone. 

Room and Board

I don’t know how to even begin to describe these places.  Picture a large house, a cook, and a whole bunch of people many of whom are extremely mentally ill.  For a person entire rent and food budget from social assistance, they can stay there and get their meals there.  Often these places are two to a room, and you don’t get to choose your own roommate, and all meals have to be served within the cook’s eight-hour shift.  Rice and frozen vegetables are often served at all meals.  Dinner’s at 4, and then there are no meals till morning. 

Group Homes

Housing for the mentally ill or the psychically disabled.  From what I’ve seen, people with an intellectual or physical disability are treated much better then those with mental illness.  Many group homes are run for profit, so the owner tries to do as much as they can with the least amount of money.  If they can find a staff person to live there and cook there, well, they’ve covered the requirement for 24 hour staffing.  Clients often have roommates, and once again, they eat a lot of rice.  They are certainly not anything resembling therapeutic. 

The Shelter System

No reserved beds.  No privacy.  Everything shared.  BUT, it’s often better staffed, cleaner, safer, more friendly, more homey, and has better food then a lot of the other options out there. 

 

Negative Symptoms of Schizophrenia

I had one of those eye opening moments the other day.  We had a client present with all the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, and virtually no positive ones.  Actually, rather then realizing that she had gone off her meds, we assumed she was on too many meds.  I would totally have bet on her anti psychotics being too high.  

When she came for her intake, she seemed like your average young adult female.  By the time she started her first class session she was freakishly unmoving, unspeaking, and seemingly uninterested.  When I say unmoving, I mean it was as if she became a part of the chair.  Always sitting perfectly straight though, never slouching.  Her eyes would choose a point, be it the front, the back, or the desk, and they would never move.  Her "creepy" coloured contacts, gave her an even more frightening look.  Her answers were all in yes or no form, with the most common one being "no".  Being her counselor, it fell to me to confront her.  

The first time I tried, I got no where.  She gave me some "nos" and then walked out.  So then two of us sat her down a different day.  At this point, she informed us she had stopped taking her medications after having a "bad" time with them.  We let her go without pushing her too hard, as she was honestly scaring both of us.  Our supervisor met with her and her father today... we'll see what happens.  

The point is though, assumptions are bad.  We all assumed she was over medicated and totally missed the fact that she was in fact off her meds.  Even though I knew she had a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and I know about negative symptoms, it didn't occur to me till yesterday that what we were seeing were symptoms not med reactions.  

Schizophrenia isn't just voices!