Projection aka The Sophie Cat WILL be lonely for me while I'm away

According to wikipedia (such a reliable source I know) Freud says that "projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one 'projects' one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires and feelings onto someone else". In my work, I see projection a lot, however I haven't really been thinking about it a lot in terms of myself, and certainly not in terms of my relationship with Sophie Cat! Today I went to see my counsellor, who I see about once every five weeks or so, just to check in, and she pointed out to me that I seemed to be placing a lot of care and concern on what Sophie Cat might be feeling about life events worry about how they might affect her, without really being able to clearly articulate that I might be having similar feelings.

Monday, I got the keys to my new house. My new roommate and her cat move in on Thursday, and the cats and I move in next Wednesday. Then the last two weeks of September, I am going on a vacation with my dad and leaving my cats with my roommate to look after. Naturally, I expect that Sophie Cat is going to hate this. That she's going to have anxiety, that's she's going to be stressed, that she's going to pine for me. I worry that she'll get sick, or stop eating, or go back to her old evil, angry and hissing self. I worry that she'll hate the new cat and that things won't work out. I worry that she'll miss me terribly. And while these concerns are semi realistic (cats don't like change, especially Sophie Cat, there may also be some projection going on here).

Perhaps, I'm a bit nervous about not liking my roommate, just as I'm worried that Sophie will hate the new cat. Perhaps I'm a lot worried about getting homesick for my house and my cats, just like I'm worried Sophie won't like the new set up. Perhaps I'm worried that with my limited diet I won't be able to find food I can eat. And I'm sure there's some part of me that worries about what it will be like spending two weeks with my father. (I probably won't start hissing any more than I already do though...)

So these week, I plan to spend more time paying attention to projection. Not just what I'm projecting onto the cat, but what I'm projecting on to other people. I think it's an important thing to look at, particularly with clients, but in my personal life as well. It will be interesting to look at, and see if I notice anything. Also, I think I'll pay a little extra attention to my Sophie Cat. For both ours sakes!

on disclosure and/or did I tell you that?

That's a picture of her highness madam Sophie Cat licking out the inside of an empty cat food bag. I always give them the bag to play with, but I've never seen her disappear completely into it until tonight. The picture reminds me of being a counsellor in some ways, because for the most part, we stick a lot of our personal lives away in back corner and we don't talk about them with clients; they only see a little piece of us, like the tail sticking out of the bag. It's not a perfect metaphor, but the picture works for today's topic.

As a counsellor, I try to be quite "real" with clients. I share perhaps slightly more about my personal life than some, but I think for the most part, I really am quite guarded. All of my clients know I like cats, of course, they can't help but know as soon as they set foot in my office. Many of them also know that I have a second job and where it is, and I'm okay with that. For the most part though, that's it. I see know point in giving out information about my personal life unless it's relevant to the client and in their best interests. The point of counselling is certainly not for me to tell MY story. When I do groups I think I tend to share more of myself, simply because I am constantly having to come up with examples. Even then, they mostly revolve around fairly generic things, such as the fact that I have friends, and a family, nothing very specific.

Because of the above, it surprised me, when a client recently commented not just on me moving into my house, but on me getting a roommate. You see, I very much do NOT remember telling her this, and I'm really not sure why I would have. I might have shared with the group she was in that I was moving (and honestly it was probably in the context of cats, and how they don't like change, and how people don't either), but I have no idea why I would talk about the roommate thing. I didn't tell my family till yesterday. I mentioned the situation to a couple people on my team and the best we can figure is that the client must have over heard me talking to my coworkers at some point, listened, and remembered. Either that or I'm really not paying attention to what I'm saying.

I think, regardless of how the client found out about the details of my life, it's a reminder to watch what I say at work. I need to be more mindful about disclosure and make sure I am keeping the focus on the client, including the small talk we make. It also means that I probably need to watch my volume and watch where I am talking to coworkers, especially remembering that the room we eat lunch in has vents which carry sound quite far. There are definitely some things I share with coworkers, particularly over lunch, that I wouldn't want my clients to know about.

As professionals, there is so much power in what we say, and I think it's good to remind myself o this more often than I do. Words have power, and clients pay attention to what we say. Time to start paying closer attention to my words.

days of non appearances

Today I had one of those days where no one wants to see or talk to their counsellor. My intake didn't show up, my appointment after that cancelled. World's quickest phone calls with a couple other clients. I used the time to attempt to clean my desk and run over to the pest control place with our latest trapped beg bug, but still, it would be nice to see clients once in a while...

Day 3 of Homeopathy - Why it sucks when you're the "expert"

So, two different subjects, one post, because it all ties together. Subject one, suicide, subject two, Ignatia Amara. Let's begin with subject two.

So the homeopathic remedy my naturopath has me on is called Ignatia, and it's for grief and balancing emotions and stuff. It can make things worse before it makes things better. It's definitely made things worse, or at least psychosomatically so, I'm not sure. Nausea. Ick. Bleck. Nausea. And lack of appetite, but the nausea feels better when I eat. random. Lack of interest. Yup, I've got that. It goes along with the "lump" in my throat. Exhaustion, oh yeah. I've slept eight and a half hours two nights in a row and still been tired, despite my b12 shot on Monday. Hopefully things get better soon!

Subject 1, suicide. Without going into too much detail, there's this girl I know, younger than me, but still over 18, and she's quite depressed. I've been a non-professional support for her for four or five years now, and I know her quite well (far better then she knows me). Here's the thing though, right now she's quite suicidal from what I can ascertain and really not doing well. We both think she needs to go to hospital, but she is scared of going and keeps putting up barriers. I offered to take her tonight, but no go, barriers put up. So we're at a stand still.

Now here's the thing, if she was a client, instead of a friend, I could leave this at work. I could leave this in the client's hands, provide them with resources, write a safety plan, and I could go home. But as a friend, she has my cell phone number, and that's how we've been talking, text messages. It's harder for me to set aside, because I care about her a lot (not that I don't care about my clients and worry about them as well, but it's a different kind of relationship). But I'm stuck. She's not actively suicidal, or if she is, she's not telling me, so I really can't call the police. I've had to call the police for people before, and it's not fun, even when they're standing in front of you telling you that they're going to walk out the door and hang themselves, and they've got the rope already. The police would not be interested in this. I also don't have enough "evidence" to go to the magistrate and try and get a "form" so that she's forced to be assessed in hospital. I have given her all the crisis resources, I have been through safety planning with her, I've done all the "right" things, and now it's time to let go.

Here's how this all ties together though. Among other people who are friends with this person, I am "the expert". I'm not an expert in this at all, but I'm the one they all turn to when things aren't going well for this friend. There is no one else for me to call, they could call me, but that's where it stops. This friend has a counsellor, but I'm not in contact with them, because I'm not a professional in this case as I've told her many times. I'm not at my best right now, I'm really not. But there's no one to pass this responsibility off on. I just don't seem to have it in me to tell my suicidal friend with very little support, yeah, I'm feeling "off" today, can you feel like dieing another day? I have of course set some limits and boundaries, and I definitely took some me time for self care today where I completely ignored the phone, but it's still hard. I guess it's never going to be "easy" though, when a friend is feeling suicidal, no matter how good a place I'm in. I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings!

Day 4

It's day four, and I'm sore. Not horribly sore, but it's also not morning yet and I've done 3 hot flow classes in a row. Perhaps I'll take in a hatha class tomorrow, we shall see.

My first victory of the day was seeing how despite my ankle, my arm strength has really improved and I was able to hold crow pose (in the picture) for at least 5 seconds before I fell over. This is huge for me, because if you'd asked me two months ago if a 200+ lb girl would ever be able to hold an arm balance I probably would have said no. Yoga has been going well, despite the challenges I'm having fitting it into my day.

My other victory of the day was being able to tell my counsellor that since going back to yoga my mental health has been WAY better. I mean, I totally still have my moments (today I cried because I realized my mom would never knit my baby mittens) but things are going way better. She suggested that we not meet for a while, since I only get 12 sessions a year with her, and that I work on maintaining things on my own, using yoga for my healthy coping. So we'll see how it goes.

The counsellor goes for counselling (aka I'm a bad client...)

I am fairly sure that on some level I drive my counsellor crazy. I honestly don't remember exactly what prompted me to email the Employee Assistance Program about counselling or how long ago it was. I suppose I could look in my calendar, but my calender is in the living room and I'm in the bedroom with my foot iced and elevated. They had me set up for an appointment in less than a week. The for profit world boggles my mind. I know they said it was fast service, but I was thinking at least a month. In any case, I digress.

I am not sure how I feel about this whole "going to counselling thing". I mean, I've done it before and had a really good experience, but I'm having a lot of ambiguity about it now. The goal was to deal with my mom's impending death and I was very clear that I did not want to change ANYTHING about myself... now I'm not so sure. My therapist seems to have a hard time with my ambiguity. Whenever I mention I'm not sure I should be in counselling she seems to get rather defensive. Sometimes she just calls me on my bullshit though, which is a much better approach. I think it is hard for me to accept that I'm back in this place. That there's still stuff I need to work on. That there's unfinished business in my life (of course I say all this at the wise old age of 23...)

This post isn't really making sense, and for that I apologize. I guess I'm just really not sure how I feel about counselling, and I'm having a hard time talking that out with my counsellor. On the other hand, she pointed out I haven't been writing and perhaps that is another reason I haven't been processing. So I'm trying to write.

quick update

I want to start writing more. I think it will be good for me. Life has been rather...overwhelming lately and it's been rather hard to get started.

My mother is so very sick right now and there's really no hope for her to get better. I've been stressed about work, lots of internal drama more so than client issues. To top everything off I sprained my ankle on Canada Day (July 1) and did quite a good job of it. It's really well sprained. I'm still using my crutches quite a bit and start physio for it on Monday.

I've been seeing a counsellor through Employee Assistance, which has been...interesting. Certainly not the easiest thing I've done recently and I'm still not sure it's the right thing, but I think so?

Cats are good. Oliver Lockhart has been literally in my face all evening. Right now he's got all four of his paws touching my arm which is making typing very difficult. I'm also trying to ice/elevate my ankle and so I'm at a rather awkward angle.

I have lots to say, particularly about counselling, but for tonight this will have to suffice.

It's been awhile, so I thought I'd post another update. Life continues. Mom is having surgery on Monday which will hopefully be reaaaaally good for her. I've been working on using up my holiday days (which have to be gone by March 31st) as well as my sick days (same deal) while earning extra money working at the shelter. Over all, I'm actually doing quite well and I'm feeling like things have worked themselves into a new balance.

I worked at the shelter two days this weekend. There is something SO freeing about not having a caseload and something incredibly freeing about not having voice-mail. I am in LOVE with not having voice-mail! Seriously, I too Thursday off and I came back to EIGHT new voice-mails. Seriously people, if you leave ONE voice-mail, I promise I will get back to you. When you leave me THREE, it makes me not want to call you. (That being said, I'll still call you).

I love working at the shelter. I love my counselling job too, but I really really like hanging out with the homeless. As my long time readers will remember there are a lot of good reasons why I don't work at the shelter full time, but every now and then I get nostalgic for it. There's just something so very real about it, and I feel like I am really able to impact people. That being said, in terms of measurable change, I make a far greater difference at my other job. But, measurements, smeasurements.

chronic suicide ideation

As most of you know, I work in a program for adults with mental illness who want to reenter the workforce. One of the main criteria for program admission is current stability. In other words, you have to be emotionally ready to work and have enough control over your symptoms to function in a work environment. We'll support you, we'll advocate for you, we'll work with your employer, we'll help you, etc, but we aren't a placement agency, we help people find jobs in main stream employment. Of course, because no one is perfect and mental illness can be unpredictable, not all over our clients are able to find employment, and they don't all remain stable. Right now, I'm working with a client who is very not stable, and it's a little bit outside my comfort zone.

Said client is chronically suicidal. Suicide ideation is part of her daily life. However, since entering our program she has attempted suicide on three different occasions. She was not stable enough to maintain employment. So, it came time to discharge her and refer her to more appropriate services. So I did... refer her that is. She and her doctor decided that a hospital day program was a good option for her, it offers DBT and CBT skills training and would provide her with tools and a lot more support then our program can. So the client and I agreed that I would discharge her as soon as she started the program...

The program kept bumping her date of admission back, and so, two and a half months later, here we are. We meet for counselling, but I feel like we're getting no where. Every session is potentially our second last session (we'll do a last one for closing once she starts) and because her suicide ideation is so prevalent it's almost all we talk about. We have safety planned so many times that both of us could probably recite the whole thing backwards, forwards and upside down. The crisis lines have heard from her day in and day out for months. The mobile team won't see her right now because it's a "long standing issue". I was out of ideas.

So, when I saw her for the second time this week, an extra session, just to get her through till her day program starts Monday (we hope, we hope, we hope) I took a totally different approach. Rather then doing the whole ASIST thing where you explore reasons for death, reasons for life, align yourself with the side that wants to live, safety plan and contract (which I don't do anyway), I thought, we'll, this isn't changing anything, screw this. So, we talked about death. We talked about who finds her body, we talked about how long it stays in her apartment, we talked about who feeds her gerbil, we talked about her funeral, her ashes, the affect on different people in her life, and you know what, our session went a whole lot better. I wasn't frustrated (something my student noticed in our last session) and I left more room for silence and thinking. She wasn't forced to answer the same questions (with the same answer "I don't know") as usual. It certainly wasn't the answer, and it certainly didn't fix her suicide ideation, but it seemed to be a better approach.

In April I'm going to a two day workshop about working with chronic suicide ideation and it's connection to trauma. I'm super excited. I felt very unequipped in this situation, and while I did make all sorts of appropriate community referrals, the person she felt comfortable talking to was me. So I did research, I consulted coworkers and my supervisor and I kept in mind that not only do I not know everything, but I don't have to know everything.

there's a cat on my head.

My orange cat is on my head right now. NOT impressed. Oh well.

So, big revelation of the week. I need to SLOW DOWN! Yesterday I came into the office and got right down to business. Things with the student and with new staff had left me kind of overwhelmed, but I came into the office ready to get back on top of the pile and jump start my week.

Well, I not only got on top of the pile, but I just kept climbing. See, I have a habit of being very intense. It's a really ADHD thing (which I've never formally been diagnosed with, but well, I fit all the symptoms...) Anyway, it's that ADHD thing where you can focus really intently on something you're interested in and you just zone right in, but then in other scenarios you're just bored out of your mind and can't focus at all. SO, what I'm trying to say is that I did a TON of work yesterday and really didn't leave a lot for the rest of the week. Or maybe it's that I did all the "interesting" work yesterday, and have boring stuff left for the rest of the week.

See the thing is, yesterday I went through my case load and checked up on them all. Hadn't heard from them? Gave them a call. Missing information? Tracked it down. Needed a letter sent? Wrote the letter and sent it etc... Did I do any class prep or group development? Nope. Now, maybe this is good, but guess which part of being a social worker I like best, class development or dealing with clients...

I'm still working on finding that balance in my day. Finding the time and the pattern so that I spend a good amount of time on my various tasks. Fridays are almost always saved for catching up on my documentation/administration stuff, and since my clients never show up on Fridays I've basically stopped booking their appointments for then. I tend to have most of my clients on Wednesday when we have our job search group, and the rest fall in on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. I lead class/group on a completely irregular schedule. And I usually see evening clients on Wednesdays.

Basically, what I'm saying is that for me, as it is with a lot of people, it's a lot easier for me to do the counselling/advocacy part of my job then it is to do all the paperwork that comes with it.

learning contract

So I haven't given you guys an update on my social work student since my panic earlier this month. I had NO idea having a student would be this much work. Or well, I sort of did, but really, it's A LOT of work! I think I'm settling into a routine with her now though, which is really helpful. There was one week when I came into work an hour early on the days she was there as well as leaving late so that I could get all my work done while still spending time with her. Of course, I also had to work on training our new counsellor, so I was trying to do a crazy amount of work...

So, things I've learned so far (some of which I was warned about, some of which I'm figuring out on my own).

1. Having a student makes you hyper aware of what you are doing. I haven't had someone observe one of my counselling session since I did a video session in third year university. Now I have someone observing and critiquing my counselling. I also have to pay a lot more attention to how I spend my time because two days a week, there's someone watching everything I do.

2. I need to slow down. I always need to slow down, so this isn't actually new, however, having a student forces me to take the time to slow down and really think about what I am doing and why.

3. Shoes are an important thing. I have a habit of not wearing shoes while at work. I wear them when I see clients, but other then that... It drives my boss crazy, and if she "made" me wear them, I would make more of an effort, but mostly she just shakes her head. However, now that I have a student, I've started thinking about what kind of an example I'm setting as a professional, and realizing... hmmm shoes... probably a good thing.

4. Having a student makes me go back to basics. I found her my "basic counselling responses" text book and took a good look at it myself. It made me think about some of those basic things which have in a way become second nature to me.

5. Having a student also brings me back to some of that "impostor syndrome" I've felt in the past. That whole, I can't do this, who am I to be calling me a social worker type thing. Only in this case, it's all about not screwing the poor girl up or having her expose me as a fake.

On the whole, I really like having a student. I think she's going to bring a lot to our organization. Having a student means we all act a little "sharper", but it also means we get a new perspective, someone who is right now reading the most current up to the date stuff and learning lots of great things in school. I enjoy helping some one else learn about their passions, about social work and about being a professional. I love reading her reflections and trying to challenge her thinking and get her to explore some of her own strengths and weaknesses. I hopefully will get to keep doing this, because I think it is such a wonderful thing.

falling

So get this. I fell down my apartment stairs this morning on my way to work. I've complained on here before about feeling like I have ear problems, well, this doesn't make me feel any better. Thankfully, I caught myself, and my coffee mug fell much further then I did. I have a sore ankle and shin, but other then that, I seem to be okay. I was able to shake it off, put on different (safer) shoes and go to work a few minutes late. I am WAY to young to feel this old though. At 23 I should not be worrying about falling down the stairs, constant ear aches, sinus pain and well, feeling completely crappy all the time. I see my doctor next week though and I plan on be very assertive.

Work was okay today. Nothing all that exciting, well, one of my clients got a job, that was exciting. I'm so happy for her! However, as I mentioned previously, it's a lot easier for our job developers to know that they did a good intervention then it is to evaluate all the work the two of us did in counselling, the advocacy pieces I did with her and the community referrals, all of which helped get her to the point where she was confident enough to interview well.

decisions, decisions.

My thought for today is that I either need to go back to Yoga or back to therapy. Maybe both. I'm not making a decision till after my holiday though.

stay tuned tomorrow for why I'm pissed off about the material I learned in my food handlers course and how it relates to societies treatment of some of our most vulnerable citizens.

counselling

I had a super intense session with someone today. We had a really intense one last week too. I don't know if the client finds things as intense as I do, but I feel like we're really hitting the root of some incredibly deep pain.

I've been thinking about how to assess the effectiveness of what I do. For our job developers it's a lot easier. Either people get jobs, or they don't. Plain and simple. They can count the number of people they help find employment each month. It's A LOT harder for the counsellors. I mean, I can count the time I spend in sessions with people, and in fact, I'm required to. But how do I judge whether what I do has a positive affect on people?

One thing that helps is when clients volunteer that feedback, but it doesn't always happen. For example, I wonder if I'm actually helping the client I saw today. They're dealing with some very intense stuff, and I have no idea whether our work together is helping, but there doesn't seem to be an appropriate way to ask... Counselling is a very abstract thing to measure.

In other thoughts, I wonder if an empty chair exercise would be helpful or hurtful to someone with schizophrenia. I mean, of course it depends on the person, but in general... There's a client I think it would really benifit, but I don't want to play into anything they may have going on for them... I need to do some research on Gestalt Therapy and Psychotic Disorders...

rant around the clock

I'm having an issue at work that I'm kind of getting sick of. My clients seem to have a VERY difficult time keeping their appointments. Now, I don't mind the occasional missed appointment that was forgotten about, and I of course don't mind rescheduling with notice, but this is getting ridiculous. It bothers me on a number of levels, and I'm not really sure what the reason behind things is.

Now it is true that my client population is dealing with mental heath concerns, this can definitely affect memory and sense of time. However, everyone who gets into my program has to be fairly stable. We're not usually working with people who are actively psychotic (although of course it happens every now and again). So this could be one reason.

Now the other reason that my coworkers and I have discussed is that we are a free center and there is no consequence for missed appointments. If a client misses an appointment, nothing bad happens. We reschedule. That's it. It's not something they're paying for, and maybe that gives it less value? Perhaps because there are no consequences when something else comes up or they don't feel like coming in, they don't.

My program still uses the Psychosocial Recovery Model (PSR Model) which, although old, has some value. There is a huge emphasis on client responsibility and client decision making and empowerment (which are great) but it also means that we don't chase after our clients as a general rule. We don't require them to come to appointments, it's their choice.

I think what frustrates me, is that I put aside time in my day for a client, that I could give to another client or use for my never ending pile of documentation. Instead, I'm left wondering whether they'll come in or not. For many clients, I do prep work and it's frustrating when they're a no show. It also bugs me on a personal level (as opposed to professional) that I managed to show up for all my therapy session when I was in therapy, why can't they, but that's not something that's all that relevant really.

So that's my rant for the day. I'm SICK of it. But, life will go on, mine, and theirs.

The Sophie Cat's day as a Social Work Cat

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my job? Well, it turns out that Sophie Cat doesn't mind it either. I brought her to work today, this is a picture of the last time she came to work, but I didn't think to take any today. My workplace is super great about pets. My boss has brought her puppy a couple times, and as long as no one on the floor minds, we're free to do whatever. I mean, within reason.

I only brought Soph's because they're were cleaning the ducts in my apartment and I did not think she would like to be home for strange men trapsing through here. She HATED the day they tested the smoke detectors. I swear she didn't come out from under the couch all day!

Anyway, Sophie got along quite well. She came out of her carrier right when we got there and settled in on a blanket under the desk. I left her off the leash this time and she was very well behaved. At first she stayed in the office, but as she got braver, she came with me to the file room and we went to visit a couple other staff. I took her to meet the students in the employment class, because I talk about her pretty much every time I teach, but that was just too many people for her. And being a cat, she hid under the chair of the one person in the class who doesn't like cats.

I'm thinking about bringing her more often. Some of the clients just lit up. It's times like this I wish I had a dog, dogs are such good therapy animals, or well, some dogs/owners are. One of my friends online and her dog just became a therapy team. Anyway though, Sophie Cat would be horrible at it, as she's still very shy, and she is NOT a lap cat. But, I just think she adds something to my office. On the other hand, SO many people are allergic to cats, that it would just be a bad idea all around.

The cutest moment of the day, was when at almost exactly 4PM she hoped in her carrier and looked at me like "okay, time to go!" I had to break it to her that I don't get off until 4:30 and she still had some time to kill!

Negative Symptoms of Schizophrenia

I had one of those eye opening moments the other day.  We had a client present with all the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, and virtually no positive ones.  Actually, rather then realizing that she had gone off her meds, we assumed she was on too many meds.  I would totally have bet on her anti psychotics being too high.  

When she came for her intake, she seemed like your average young adult female.  By the time she started her first class session she was freakishly unmoving, unspeaking, and seemingly uninterested.  When I say unmoving, I mean it was as if she became a part of the chair.  Always sitting perfectly straight though, never slouching.  Her eyes would choose a point, be it the front, the back, or the desk, and they would never move.  Her "creepy" coloured contacts, gave her an even more frightening look.  Her answers were all in yes or no form, with the most common one being "no".  Being her counselor, it fell to me to confront her.  

The first time I tried, I got no where.  She gave me some "nos" and then walked out.  So then two of us sat her down a different day.  At this point, she informed us she had stopped taking her medications after having a "bad" time with them.  We let her go without pushing her too hard, as she was honestly scaring both of us.  Our supervisor met with her and her father today... we'll see what happens.  

The point is though, assumptions are bad.  We all assumed she was over medicated and totally missed the fact that she was in fact off her meds.  Even though I knew she had a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and I know about negative symptoms, it didn't occur to me till yesterday that what we were seeing were symptoms not med reactions.  

Schizophrenia isn't just voices! 

The Service Eater

Most social workers have dealt with these clients.  The clients who have been to every program under the sun and hope that yours will give them that something they need, that one extra push etc…  The question is, what do you do with them? 

Something I’ve noticed, is that many of these clients have a very negative mental filter.  Despite the positive things which may be going on in their lives, they focus exclusively on the negative and seem unable to take the positive into account.  They often seem very genuine and earnest, often citing the bad experiences they’ve had with other social workers/programs.  And yet for some reason, they keep trying again. 

While some of them have tried and quit every program, there are some that are still IN every program.  I recently had a client who was seeing something like six different counselors at once, and wanted to join our program on top of that.  Despite all the counseling, he was definitely not mentally stable and I recommended we put a hold on his admittance.  I don’t think adding a seventh (or however many) service is actually going to do the client any good. 

The thing is though, no one program is going to be right for everyone, and sometimes what people need isn’t so much a program but someone who will stick with them no matter how many times they quit.  For example, if a client has a counselor who is willing to take them back no matter how many times they storm out and find a new counselor, maybe that continuity will help them to make progress.  It’s hard to know though.  Sometimes the thirtieth program is the answer, it’s the one that clicks, the one that works.

Maybe this thought doesn’t have a point? 

Spiritual Direction

So this evening, I went for my first session of spiritual direction.  Or maybe that's too clinical.  Perhaps I'll say, this evening I met with a spiritual director for the first time.  It's something a mentor of mine suggested to me when I was so depressed a couple months ago, and that I took some time to read about, think about, talk about, and pray about.  Eventually, I decided to go for it.  I really do want to feel connected with God and to nurture the spirtual side of myself.  

Basically, Spiritual Direction, or at least the kind I'm participating in, is a conversation between two people where the focus is God.  It's comparable to a counseling relationship, but it's far less clinical.  Further, counseling most often has specific goals and such.  Spiritual direction is all about the journey.  If the goal is to feel closer to God, you don't have to know what that will look like, or how you'll know when you're there.  Spiritual direction can go on for years and years.  The director listens, there is prayer, and perhaps you focus on a certain spiritual discipline together.  The two listen for the Holy Spirit and focus on what God is doing in the directee's life.  Often it invovles talking about daily life and recoginzing where God is, being more attunded to the working of the Holy in the ordinary.  

Tonight's meeting was a good experience for me.  I feel comfortable with the woman I found, and comfortable with her background.  She also felt comfortable working with me, and thinks that I'm in a very good place in my life for this journey together to begin.  

So we'll see where things go.  Generally you meet with a spiritual director about once a month or once every 6-8 weeks, however for the first couple months we'll be meeting every two weeks as we get to know each other and I get to be comfortable in her presence.  Spirituality has been a part of my life for a long time, but is something I often don't articulate very well.  Hopefully, I'll be able to articulate some of it here as well as other places. 

this is not a post about Yoga Therapy

This is not a post about yoga therapy, although I've seen quite a few of those in my rss feed lately.  This is a post about why I think yoga can be good therapy, an adjunct to therapy, or simply an alternative to therapy.  Now, as a social worker I'm biased, and after class yesterday I made my facebook status "Still Dreaming thinks that sometimes yoga is better than therapy" (note the sometimes).  I firmly believe in the importance of talking things out.  Of course, I'm also a big talker, so it makes sense.  

I went to yoga Saturday for the first time in a month (I've been too sick) and while I was thinking of nothing but my breath, I had quite a few thoughts and made some interesting connections.  

For starters, at Yoga, the teacher always says that they are "guiding us through the practice".  I love that line, they're not teaching, they're guiding, we're the ones doing the work.  That's how I've thought of therapy both as client, and counselor.  The therapist is the guide.  They help the client do the hard work.  

Yoga is about where you are at in the moment.  It's not about the future, it's not about the past.  It's about accepting where you're at that day and that time.  It's about pushing yourself, yes, but it's also about listening and connecting with your body and only doing as much as you are able on any given day.  This is an important life lesson, one that can certainly be learned through therapy as well.  

Yoga is about centering yourself and finding those connections.  Therapy too can teach centering, connection, calmness etc.  In yoga we breath deeply and together, it's like the relaxation exercises learned in therapy, combined with the cardio that's recommended to destress and boost seratonin.  

Finally, practice improves things, and creates body memory.  Moksha Yoga, the kind of yoga I go to right now, is a set series of asanas, so things are almost always in the same order.  Even though I hadn't been in a month, my body knew.  It knew what was next, it knew where my hands went, it knew what to do.  The same thing can be true with the skills a person learns in therapy.  You practice and practice, you might not use them for a while, but then when you need them, they're still there.  I'm a little sore today, after yesterday's class, and the same way, it might be a bit hard when you have to pull them out again, but it is so, so worth it.