Christmas Thoughts

I am not sure if I have thoughts this Christmas or not. In fact, in some ways, I'm really just kind of numb. I'm plugging along though, one day at a time, I just wonder if I'm being true to myself and letting myself grieve, or if I'm living in a state of constant denial. In some ways, I feel kind of blocked, like there are parts of myself that need to open, and face the feelings, face the emotions, face the realities.

Last night I went to Christmas Eve service at my dad and sister's church. I haven't been in that church since the funeral, and the time before that was also not the most pleasant experience. I was confronted with so many people who knew my mother, so many more then were at the funeral, and I left as soon as I possible good. I played the piano for the 11 PM service at my church, it felt good to be there, even if I did continually psych myself out on nearly every introduction. I wish it had been the whole worship team rather then just me up there.

This morning it was off to my dad and sister's house for awkward good times of my sister acting like a child, me defending my dad from her and dad and I planning our September vacation to the place where my parent's honeymooned. Then Christmas dinner at a family friend's, where I met a nice single man who seemed to meet most of my "criteria". My poor father was incredibly hung up on the fact that he was of a different skin colour and couldn't stop asking about his culture even though he was born and raised in Canada. My sister kept bringing up my cats, revealing just how crazy a cat person I was, which is NOT something I generally do when I'm trying to "flirt", or even just appear normal.

Then it was home to listen to my dad and sister wrap their presents, because apparently they don't plan ahead. Then opening presents, including some presents from mom which she bought before she died. That was hard. I left soon after, before 5:30 and then realized I had an entire evening to myself and NOTHING was open and NO-ONE was around to hang out with. I tried to drive and look at some Christmas lights, but I couldn't remember where we used to drive and didn't see many good ones before giving up and going home.

I went for a walk later, too cold to be out for too long though. Sophie Cat and I had snuggles, as did Ollie and I, and now, now it's bedtime I guess.

The first Christmas is over.

Stressed?

I have this neck issue going on, which may very well be a physical manifestation of my inner pain. In any case, my massage therapist asked me if I was "stressed" today. And for some reason, that question made me SO angry. AM I STRESSED? You think? It's only like 7 weeks since my mother died, and it's almost Christmas. And he knows that stuff, he was at my mom's funeral for goodness sakes. I'm not sure why I'm so angry about it, but I am SO angry.

the end.

To my mother - may she rest in peace

My mother died on Tuesday November 2, 2010 at the age of 54. She had a somewhat mysterious cancer they believe started in her small intestine or appendix. No treatment they tried made any difference and it spread throughout her entire abdomen, unstoppable.

Mom made the decision to die just over two weeks before her death. She stopped eating and drinking, and for awhile, until her month got just too dry, even stopped the ice chips. She refused IV feeding receiving only the fluids deemed necessary to keep her PICC line open. Eventually as a family we made a decision to stop those too. For the last 4 days of mom's life she was not with us, even a little bit. She could not speak and did not show any recognition of anything but pain.

Tuesday, I came to the hospital on the 15th day of the 10 days they gave her to live. Within 30 minutes of my arrival she stopped breathing and finished her transition from the living to the dead, a 70 pound shell of the woman she once was. Dad and I were with her and my sister came later that hour (let me tell you it's awkward sitting in a room with a dead body...) We had dinner, then I went to yoga with a friend, and the grocery store. As soon as I got home from the grocery store I started sneezing, the cold which had been holding off til I was free from the hospital hit with a vengeance. I slept for at least 11 hours. Solid sleep with no ear open for the phone to ring.

Wednesday was a day of funeral home arrangements, church arrangements, nose blowing, and decongestant popping. Fortunately, my slightly obsessive mother had planned her entire funeral (and prepaid), written her obituary and done countless other things which made this process easier. My sister looked horrible, but dad and I got things done which basically consisted of signing some forms, agreeing to pay the INSANELY high cost of getting her obituary printed, and picking the flowers. Then a friend and I ran random errands and I moaned about my sinus. Then slept for 12 hours (Oh how I love sleep).

Thursday was a day of "rest" meaning I got up at noon and went to starbucks and then didn't do anything til yoga at 4. Then I hung out at home til I hung out with my best friend in the evening. It was wonderful.

Friday was, well, a day. A long, long, long day. Friday mom's ashes were interred in the morning. I, as the oldest daughter, got the honour(?) of placing her ashes in the hole in the memorial wall thing. Though we have a VERY small family, both my mom's brother and my dad's brother came, as well as my mom's cousin and my great aunt and uncle (I have no aunts and no cousins). The afternoon was the memorial service which was...packed. I am fairly sure I'll get six colds and two flus all at the same time from the number of hands I shook. Thankfully my friends eventually rescued me from the line I was suck in and we hid out in the church sanctuary. I was getting emotional simply because of all the raw emotion in the room. It's hard to explain. It was very difficult for me to meet all these people who were connected to my mom in some way and who knew, in many cases, a very different side of her.

Friday night, to distract myself from everything and get back into my routine, I went to volunteering and fed dinner to 200. (Or well, greeted 200 people at the door). I hadn't been in a month, and it often feels like coming home. I love it. Oh, and Saturday was inconsequential.

Which brings me to today. This is the first Sunday in probably a year where I haven't had to go to my parents house or a hospital. I love it. I absolutely love it. However, I didn't love the totally aimless feeling it left me with. Thankfully some libraries here are open Sundays and I went for a nice walk to get books. I also have wonderful friends and was able to get out for dinner with them.

I'm not quite sure what it is about being alone which scares me so much, and I really don't even think I'm scared of being alone, I'm quite happy/content right now, it's more the idea of not having anything to do/no where to be. I have another week off work (I was off the last two weeks as well), and there's a big push and pull going on in my brain about filling it or not filling it with social activities. Part of me craves time alone and part of me is so scared of having nothing to do and not getting out of the house. I now have something every day but Saturday, and it's only Sunday night... And of course I'll probably do yoga every day too. And maybe, just maybe, I'll take some time to write some of this out.

Well, it's the end of day 21 now...

I'm not sure what to write. Things just keep going. I've done 21 out of 30 days now, which is wonderful. My elbow hurts, my thumb hurts and my ankle hurts, but I'm seeing the phsyiotherapist on Wednesday so we'll see what she says. We brainstormed about my elbow already and somehow I managed to fix one side but not the other... random.

I've had at least one more day of tearful yoga, but yesterday and today were both nice and calm. I'm skipping all sun salutations and vinyasa flows to give my elbow a break, and I think that might actually be why. Less heart opening for starters. Yoga has felt very good the past two days. I've been doing the Moksha series, as opposed to Hot Flow which is different every time, and it's nice to fall into familiar patterns and know what's coming next. If I could drag myself out of bed at 6AM I'd love to go to the Silent class on Tuesday and be able to really sink into things. It's just not happening though.

So yoga = good. My body = sore. Life = well, life?

Sophie Cat

This is how Sophie Cat greets me every day when I come home from work. If I come home at the wrong time however, no greeting for me.

Day 12, 13, 14

Remember how on Day 11 I wound up in tears by the end of yoga class? Day 12 I had to stop myself from giggling, which was super nice, and a totally different reaction to a totally different kind of yoga. I went with a friend and we went out for dinner and talked afterwards. Wonderfulness :)

Day 13, yoga in the park. 600+ people all doing yoga, as a fundraiser, outside in the sunshine. I loved the feeling of yoga in the grass, lying in savasana with my whole body truly sinking into the ground. More wonderfulness.

Day 14. That's today. Today I did two classes, a more intense one and a very restorative one. I'm fairly sure I'll be sore tomorrow, but you never know. It felt good to spend that time in the hot room. To just breathe. (And work my butt off) But especially to just breathe. Even more wonderfulness.

Day 11 - Cultivating Peace

By the end of yoga today I was crying. Not because of physical pain, although both my ankle and my elbow were hurting, and not because I was particularly exhausted, but just because I was crying. I'm not sure what triggered exactly, perhaps simply that my body doesn't always move the way I'd like it to, but I really think it was more than that. There's a lot of stress in my life right now, and stress tends to come out in our bodies. I don't know if yoga released some of that, or brought it to the surface or what, but there was something going on there. Tomorrow I'm doing some nice, basic, hatha yoga. Stretching in the hot room, but not Sun Salutations, no Flows and no rushing.

I sent this as an email update to friends, so perhaps I'll add it here as well.

I know I haven't been the most talkative this week, but I wanted to update you all on what's going on (for some of you you're jumping in in the middle here because I've been bad with updates, but here's what's going on).

My grandma (my father's mother) has pneumonia. As I last heard she is still conscious and eating (as long as it's pureed, she is no longer able to chew or to swallow hard foods) and is taking antibiotics. She is on oxygen and she is not expected to be able to beat the pneumonia and has been moved to palliative care.

My father is going out to see my grandma (across the country) and say goodbye. I am driving him to the airport tomorrow morning. Although he initially wanted me to come, we decided it would be better if I stayed here to look after my mother and came out for her funeral, either this trip, or a trip in the future. He is planning on returning on Wednesday.

We found out on Tuesday that my mother's chemotherapy did not work and her tumor has grown. The tumor coats many of the major organs in her abdomen including her intestines, lungs, and liver. They have decided to try my mother on a different kind of chemotherapy, however there are potentially lethal side effects associated with it and she has to be very careful. At this point the chemotherapy is simple to extend her life, there is no hope of a cure.

In addition to the cancer my mother has developed a blood clot in her leg which runs from her groin down into her calf. She was on injectable blood thinners at the hospital all last week but seems to have been stabilized on warfarin for now. I am taking her to the hospital tomorrow where they will check her levels and do care of the pic line she has in her arm for chemo.

In summary, at this point, I'm staying in the city and my father's going away. But, I'm also back to that uncertain place of not knowing when I might be flying across the country.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. In particular my father who is leaving his very sick wife to say goodbye to his dying mother. Please also pray for my mother as she will spending a lot of time on her own in the upcoming days. And of course please pray for my sister has she is placed into the role of primary house keeper. And me, as I try and make sure that everything comes together, is taken care of, and everyones needs are met.

Day 10

My.body.hurts. I'm not sure what it is about today, but my body hurts. A lot. Maybe it's the fact that I did a 90 minute class today as opposed to my usual 60, but I'm definitely rather sore. Then again, my body hurt somewhat before yoga as well...so I suppose it's probably cumulative.

I don't have any amazing reflections about patience or learning today. Mostly, I'm just at a point where I need to push through. Maybe I'll be deeper tomorrow. So instead, here's pictures of my cats.

Day 9

Today was the hardest day of the challenge yet for me. It was seriously hard to motivate myself to get to yoga. I felt horrible today, emotionally as well as somewhat physically, and I left work early cause I didn't feel like bursting into tears at my desk. I came home, climbed into bed, and fell asleep. Then of course I had to get up for yoga. Which really was a good thing, because it meant I couldn't completely screw up my sleep schedule.

At yoga, there was a new teacher, which is fine, if we hadn't also had 3 new staff start at work (two today, one last Wednesday). I can only deal with so much change and I feel like my life is in a state of constant flux. I had a bit of a hard time letting go of the teaching/teacher and sinking into my yoga. She did things a bit differently, and it just, wasn't working for me... or something. I dunno.

So, things I learned today: Sometimes it's okay to just give up, go home and take a nap. It really was what I needed. I really did need to not be at work for a while (despite just coming off a long weekend). Not knowing if I'm flying half way across the country to go see my grandma, is kind of getting to me. And mom's chemo isn't working...which I'd already guessed, but still.

Day 7 and 8

I've now passed the one week mark on my 30 day journey and have spent more than 7 hours in hot room this week. Naturally, it's summer and rather hot outside, making me question why on earth I didn't choose to do this in the winter.

The first week has been great. It's been hard to fit the yoga in everyday and I often find my thoughts wandering to what I have on my mental to do list, what I'm going to have for dinner, or where I'm supposed to be next. Instead of getting angry with myself, I'm trying to let those things go and concentrate on breathing in the moment. Just paying attention to that moment, to that place and to the calmness of the yoga room; whatever's outside the room has to wait. In that hour I practice freeing myself from the stresses of life, the realities of my family dynamics and the frustrations of my job and concentrate only on my breathing and my body. The mental benefits are great.

In terms of physical benefits, I'm not so sure. It has only been a week. I'm doing this at the same time as physio and between the two I have days on which I'm pretty sore. That being said, I've been able to jump back into my practice at a place similar to where I left it before July 1st without too many negative consequences. While I'm still modifying/skipping some poses, for the most part, I'm right where I want to be. I've even noticed a bit of an increased range of motion in my ankle, despite the fact that I still can't kneel or sit cross legged.

All in all so far this has been a great experience. We'll see how the next 3 weeks go though, I've got lots going on so it'll be interesting to try and fit everything in.