just an all around sad story

This is a story about death.  This is a story about everyday life.  This is a story about the poor and the middle class.  This is a story about people struggling to get by.  This is the story of inequality, unfairness and injustice.  This is truth.  

Everyday in our society people work towards earning money to acquire things.  The nature of the earning and things varies, but in Canada at least, it's neccessary.  Even those who have no official earnings, the kind declared to the government, are generally working to gain income, small though it might be.  While many people think of the homeless as being beggars, theives and panhandlers, there is an entire underground trade system, a black market, which trades not just in weapons and drugs (as many people believe) but in the items of everyday life.  

The poorest area of my city is void of the big box stores one finds in the suburbs.  Most of the stores are tiny corners stores, almost all which are run by imigrant families.  In order for these stores to exist they have to charge more for their items and put in long hard hours just to eek out a living.  Unfortunately, some of these stores turn to less honest ways of gaining money preying on those even less fortunate then them.  

One store in particular, was famous for this, they were known on the street as being willing to buy just about anything from a person in exchange for money, mouthwash or hairspray (to drink).  When we gave out brand new winter jackets this Christmas we found out quickly the owner was buying them from the homeless and reselling them for a higher price... once we started cutting the tags off this petered out, but it continues to happen with a variety of other things.  Because it's not a pawn shop, the police don't run the same checks for stolen property and it's less regulated... and besides, it all happens under the table anyway.  

For whatever reason, the owner of this particular store couldn't handle life anymore, and so, he hung himself, in the back of his store, in the middle of the work day.  My clients were there when his wife found him, my clients cut him down, my clients comforted his wife, my clients called for help, and my clients were there when there was nothing left that could be done.  And it hit them hard.  Staff from one of the other organizations in the area came and did CPR while they waited for the ambulance.  They got a whole debrief session.  The clients who cut the rope, got nothing.  

One of my clients hasn't been the same since then.  Sober for almost three months he's started drinking again, and is now using injectable drugs.  He's in horrible shape.  He talks about the wife of the owner, how she just cried, and cried, and cried.  He was planning to draw her a picture, I don't know if he ever did though... why are there no services for him?  Why is it that staff are more important then clients.  And for the clients, this wasn't just some stranger, this man was a part of their community, someone they knew and interacted with on a daily basis.  Do people assume that these clients have seen so much that it just doesn't effect them anymore?  Because that's just not true... Why is it that we forget about the clients in the midst of a crisis?  

I've had a few conversations with the clients about this.  But my time and resources are so limited.  It's hard to have a deep conversation about death in the middle of a shelter full of people while the phones ring, the intoxicated scream and people are constantly interupting.  I've mentioned it to my boss... but still... just a sad story all around.  

getting out and doing things...update on my "care plan"

This past two weeks I've been focusing on getting out and doing things.  It's been hard, but worth it.  I've managed to spend time with most of my good friends (although best friend and I have played quite a bit of telephone tag...maybe I'll use my daytime minutes today and give her a call).  I even managed to go out with a brand new friend, something that can be incredibly hard for me.  I'm rather pleased with myself.  

Something which I think has been of incredible value to me is recognizing that even though I'm trying to get out and see people, I can't see everyone, and I can't do something every day.  As I'm sure many of you have figured out, I can be kind of an all or nothing person (interestingly, mostly in my personal life, not in my professional life).  For example, since I haven't been sleeping well, I've been trying not to push myself to do too much on a day I haven't slept.  Tuesday I went to a recorder group practice for church (oh yes, I'm in a recorder ensemble) but then left before Bible study.  I skipped choir practice, but went to the church potluck and annual meeting.  Picking and choosing, so I don't get overwhelmed.  

My sleep and my anxiety are still not exactly where I'd like them to be, and my house is messier then usual, BUT I did all the filing I'd been building up for the past four years.  Of course, that was just cause I couldn't find my BSW which I needed for my new job, but, it got done, which is a huge thing for me.  I had to bail on something with bestest bud yesterday which I felt really bad about, but I just couldn't do it, I just haven't been sleeping enough, and not at the right times.  But, one step at a time, one day at a time.  I can do this... 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (I just hope it isn't a train).  

the end of it all

I didn't post about looking/applying for a new job because I didn't want to have to write about failure.  I just find it easier not to tell people about my job prospects so I don't have to answer awkward questions later.  Of couse, these means I surprised a lot of people with my new job including you, my loyal readers... and my boss.  

I have to say, telling my boss I was going to use him as a reference wasn't exactly easy.  Especially when he wanted to know why I was leaving.  Of course, I could have declined to coment, but that just isn't my style.  So I told him... "I'm sick of being being bullied and I'm sick of locking people up".  He definitely latched onto the bullying thing.  He wanted to know why I hadn't come and talked to him further about the enforcer.  Why hadn't I said anything.  Why hadn't I just asked to change shifts etc...  My reasons, were kind of lame, and it got me thinking...and over thinking (of course). 

The truth is, in some ways, I am running away.  I'm running away from the enforcer instead of dealing with him like an adult.  It just seems so much easier.  Of course part of me believes nothing can change anyway, which is definitely part of it.  But, in so many other ways, I'm just moving on the way I always intended to.  I have ALWAYS been up front with my boss that I only intended to stay at the shelter for a year.  And while I'm a month short of a year, it just seemed like the right time, for a lot of reasons.  I got turned down, again, for a case management position at the shelter, and after that I just kind of felt like I was going nowhere there, that to stay and earn the seniority to move up to that position would just take me far too long, and after that, there was nothing.  

So what is my new job?  My title, is "Mental Health Counselor", but to tell you the truth, I'm not 100% positive exactly what I'll be doing.  I have a general idea though. Bascially, it's a work placement team for people entering/re-entering the workforce with mental illness.  People have to be somewhat stable to enter, so it's not people in the midst of horrible psychosis or anything.  So probably the most stable people I've ever worked with...  I get to be part of a multi-disiplinary team (yaaaaay) and so there are other people who concentrate more on the actual finding of employment and resumes and stuff (which is good, cause I know nothing about that).  It's a small caseload, which is good, and we spend a lot of time with each individual person.  AND I'll be working with SOCIAL WORKERS!!!  Including 2 people I went to school with, who I actually liked, but don't have any weird personal history with (although, I was a bit of a loud know it all in school, so who knows...)

I'm going for lunch with the team on April 1st, but I don't start my job till the 6th.  I like the place already.  The team leader was totally awesome about wanting to give me time to switch my body from working nights to working days and actually suggested a later starting date then I did.  I'll probably pick up a couple shifts at the shelter just so I can have SOME income during that time, but I wont' do any nights.  It'll actually help me get my schedule in order if I have to be up for something.  

In anycase, I'm excited.  I have a punch of other things to write about too (I've been making a list, lol) so you might actually get daily posts for the next week!  And then, then I'll have a whole new job to write about, new thoughts, new impressions, new staff, new clients, new everything!  To say the least, I'm excited!  

happy happy happy happy

Still Dreaming

123 Anywhere Lane

Cold Weather, CAN

A1A 1A1

 

Boss

The Homeless Shelter

321 Nowhere Grove

Cold Weather, CAN

B2B 2B2

 

Dear Boss,

 

Please accept this letter as my official communication regarding the termination of my full time employment at the homeless shelter.  As you are aware I have been offered a position as a Mental Health Counselor with the Somewhere Else Work Placement Team; I have accepted that position.  In anticipation of the beginning of that position, I would appreciate if my full time hours could be ended at the conclusion of this schedule. 

 

This letter is also a declaration of my intention to stay employed by the Homeless Shelter as a casual crisis worker.  I value the experiences I have gained and the relationships I have built with the clients here and look forward to continuing at the organization.  I will provide a calendar of my availability as required. 

 

Sincerely,

 

Still Dreaming BSW/RSW

standing up for yourself

Something I've been trying to encourage my clients to do lately is to speak out.  It seems like every day I'm hearing another story of injustice, and the abuse of my clients.  It bugs me, and while I can, and do, speak out about it, I think they need to as well.  I think not only is it more powerful coming from them, but I also think it can be very empowering.  

The thing is though, the group of people I work with tend to feel very powerless.  The most common thing I hear when I suggest "saying something" is "they won't believe me" and/or "no one will believe me".  And the thing is, they might just be right, infact, I can almost guarantee it.  However, I don't believe it always has to be this way.  

One of my clients this week came in with a black eye and a swollen hand.  When asked what happened, he said the police picked him up at a bar fight, and instead of charging him or hauling him off to the drunk tank they took him to a field at the edge of the city, beat him, and left him.  It's hard for us to believe stories like that.  The police are authority figures and this man is a homeless drug user.  However, I know this man, and he's very open about getting into fights.  He fully admits to the bar fight.  He states he was defending an old man the security guard through into the street, and this is the kind of man who would do that.  I don't see why he would make up the story about the police when he'll admit any other time that it was just a fight.  Anyway, he won't report it because they police involved would "just make it worse and beat him harder" and no one would listen anyway.  

Another client was groped by a security guard in a department store.  He tried to get her into a bathroom and called her many things I don't want to publish.  The usual things one says to females.  Her male partner (who also abuses her) "rescued" her and now wants to beat the security guard up.  He won't, because he fears reprecussions due to the guards status as an authority figure, but neither of them will report it because they feel no one will listen.  

I've been trying to help these people, and others see the bigger picture.  They're right, no one might listen.  Not the first time.  But what happens if every one this is happening to starts coming forward.  It might not make a difference, but it might, and then at least people could begin to feel like they are standing up for themselves.  As I've pointed out to them, nothing might change if you report it, but if 25 of you report it, over time, things may begin to change.  

I don't think we'll ever stop police from taking things into their own hands, men from assaulting women, and authority figures from abusing their power, at least not in my lifetime, but I think that standing up for truth and for justice can make a big difference.  

why phillip can't talk

Phillip, and his friends, reminded me of a very important lesson, one that we social workers learn right from the beginning.  Client's are the experts in their own lives, and don't make assumptions.  

Phillip has never been "right".  The general assumption was the Phillip had sniffed a little too much solvent, causing him to lose fine motor control, and drank a lot too much mouth wash and possibly hair spray (and yes, people drink hairspray...bleck).  Phillip is very childlike in his speech, his actions and his understanding of things.  We thought that maybe he was born with a disability, possible FASD or something else.  

One day though, I was talking to one of his friends about his ongoing struggle with sniffing.  A coworker piped in "yeah, you don't want to end up like Phillip".  The friend turned back to me and said "Phillip used to be fine, he walked and talked like the rest of us, then, his girlfriend left him and he tried to hang himself... it didn't work, and he came through it like this".  

In the end, it really doesn't matter now why Phillip is the way he is.  What matters now is helping him live with this and supporting him where he is at.  In some way though, it fills in that missing piece of the puzzle, it answers that fabulous question "why".  

James goes to the hospital

It's funny, some of the homeless WAY overuse the medical system, constantly presenting to emergency services and emergency rooms.  There are others though, like James who don't get medical care until it's almost too late.  Because James' drinking is a little more controled then some of the others, he doesn't wind up passed out in the street quite as much and so he doesn't have the (sometimes daily) frequent medical care of others in his cohort.  So, when James got pnemonia, it wasn't till he was passed on in a pool of his own vomit in the back of the shelter that he started his contact with the medical system.  

The paramedics, were horrible.  I seriously, have so much respect for them, they do a crazy job, but each time they insult one of my clients or talk about them like they're stupid and just a burden on society I get more and more angry.  There's some good ones, and the first responder fire fighters are usually awesome, but the paramedics... wow, they're getting to me!  Anyway, they treated him like crap even though he was super cooperative and friendly with them.  There was no rudeness on his part, just some smiling (he loves to grin) and he did his best.  

There's a funny part to this story though.  I was talking to one of this client's good friends at the shelter and asked how he was doing.  Turns out though, somehow, none of this client's friends knew what had happened to him, infact, they were all quite worried as he'd just disappeared into thin air.  So, I made an oops with client confidentiality, assuming they knew he'd been hospitalized, but I think it'll be okay.  

Anyway, the client I was talking to was super relieved and decided he'd get the whole gang together to go visit their friend in the hospital.  These particular clients are the very, very chronically homeless.  They're the ones you see passed on in doorways and on sidewalks.  They're the ones who haven't bathed in years.  One of them wears a hood all the time, dresses all in black and has ear buds, which I discovered in one of his less intoxicated moments are to keep the voices out.  They're almost always intoxicated to some degree and well, if you didn't know them, they'd look pretty scary.  

What I laugh at, is the poor staff at the hospital as these guys come through the door.  If you or I was to visit a friend it would be one thing, but these guys are something else.  I'm so glad they're going though.  It shows the strength of the community.  Hopefully these guys don't pull a fast one though... our clients have been known to bring drinks and get their friends drunk while visiting!  When you're wearing 8 layers of clothing (you only think I'm exagerating), it's pretty easy to get stuff in.  

darkness and light

There's something powerful about darkness.  Darkness can provide a cover for dangerous or forbidden things.  Darkness can provide a blanket.  Darkness can be scary.  People do things in the darkness they won't do in the light.  Darkness can be overwhelming.  

After my dark and depressing post yesterday, I decided to see some sunshine today and tomorrow, even if it screws up my sleep schedule a bit.  I need to be awake during the day for once.  And the truth is, for whatever reason, I do feel better having spent sometime in the light.  

To touch on a comment by the wonderful cb I realize that what I'm facing right now isn't just normal winter blues.  I may sometimes want to deny it, or a rationalize it, but I know that it's not "normal".  Looking at myself as if I was a client again, because that often helps me figure things out, let's do an assessment. 

I'm a 22 year old female with a history of anxiety, depressive episodes, mild-moderate self harm (in my later teenaged years), and a family history of depression/anxiety.  

I work the night shift and so my circadian rythms are totally screwy which has also screwed with my period a bit.  It also means, I don't see the sun a lot. 

I have a history of having trouble when the seasons change.  

I have little family contact/support, but some, and probably more if I asked. 

I have a huge support network with my church, if I reached out to them

I have a stressful job, but good coworkers who for the most part support me

History of contact with the mental health system is 2 years of therapy during year 2 and 3 of my degree. 

Stable of 150mg of Effexor for past 2 years.  Have available clonazepam prn for anxiety, zopiclone prn for sleeping, but I rarely take them.  

No past history of suicide attempts, no current thoughts/plans of suicide. 

So, was I to provide "advice" (oh yes, that dreaded word) to my client (or well, if I was to help them discover ways they could help themselves), things that might come up include:

Reaching out my support systems (half check, i emailed bestest bud, and set up a get together with another friend)

Changing my meds (no check, I'm not interested, but, maybe I'll try and take more clonazepam and/or zopiclone instead of letting things get REALLY bad first)

Changing shifts (I'm working on it!)

Writing more (working on it, it's helped in the past!)

Self Care (I will be going back to yoga, buying some raw food, hanging out with friends and reading fiction)

And that, is the current care plan for the dreamer.  Because you know something?  I can get through this! And seriously, I'm feeling better today, just making some plans, and talking to a few people and getting OUT of my house.  awesome.  

it's almost spring

I can't believe I haven't posted in a week.  Things are not going well in dreamerville, and writing just seems like too much, that and I just haven't seemed to find anything I really want to write about, I know I'll feel better if I write, and yet I can't.  I once said I'd never make this blog "emo" and depressing like, but it's a blog about social work, and social work has it's moments.  While I don't have the stats right at hand, I know that social work is an extremely challenging profession in terms of burnout and emotional stress.  Beyond that, many people are drawn to the helping professions because of difficult experiences in their own lives which of course come along for the ride.  

My strep throat seems to be making a resurgance despite the antibiotics, I'm worried that once they're gone in three days it will come back with a vengance, requiring another doctor trip and another round of antibiotics, stronger ones, which will likely make me sick.  On top of the strep, I got a super bad cold, or perhaps a flu.  The kind where you just cry because your sinus and your eyes and your everything is running.  So I sat in the car place waiting for my oil change and car check up crying.  I'm sure I looked absolutely stunning.  I called in sick again that night.  

My roof is leaking.  Nothing like coming home from work to discover your bed is wet because you didn't move the furniture because the roof wasn't leaking when you left.  Fortunately the roofer called proactively, he's determined to fix it for me, but still... wet bed, not fun.  So, I decided to try and share my somewhat broken futon with the Sophie cat.  Her "day bed" is on one end, in the sunshine, so I put my head at the other end... and wound up getting my foot bit when I invaded her space... 

Work has been challenging.  I saved another guy last night...maybe.  Same coworker as before and I busted into this guys cell in the drunk tank after he made his shirt into a rope, knotted it, and tightened it till he passed out.  After he got some more air he became super violent, like beyond violent and I had to BEG my coworker to close the door, I don't know what he was trying to do.  Anyway, it took six police officers to wrestle him into cuffs and shackles, there were only four, and they were losing till two more showed up on the scene.  After he got checked at the hospital they brought him back, more sober, he said he just wanted out and he was "pretty hammered".  Just watch him not remember this by morning.  

I need a new job.  It's scary though.  My job right now is a permanent position.  Most openings, the few there are, are for term positions.  I know that's how you start, but the idea of so little  permancy scares me.  And, I only just got benifits March 1st.  Not as big a deal in Canada, but still...I like clean teeth.  The things is though, I don't want to work in the drunk tank anymore.  I'm tired of locking people up.  Really sick of it.  I'm tired of being threatened constantly and the constant berating and abuse.  I like my shelter clients, I like them a lot.  If I could just work with them, I'd be happier, but you rotate areas at work, and so I can't just work shelter and detox.  I also really want a social work position.  I want to use more of my skills on a regular basis.  Right now a lot of my conversations go like this "I can't let you out, go to sleep".  That, and, "I need your cell, you have to get out now, it's busy tonight... GET UP".  

I'm having nightmares, especially the past couple days.  Just really bad ones.  I have a recurring one about the drunk tank, but I've had that for ages.  Now I'm just having so many.  Yesterday's was so bad I wound up just getting up, and then I went to work tired.  

I suppose I'm a bit lonely too.  But that's mostly my own doing, and definitely at least partly to do with working nights.  Best friend is have a country a way, bestest bud is in third year university and it's march, and she has a boyfriend.  There are people around, I just never seem to make the effort.  I'll have to start.  Mostly, my life seems to consist of feeling tired, dragging myself up or staying up at weird times to go to church or church meetings and working... oh, and my daily cup of coffee... i love it.  That's how I knew I was really sick, when I didn't go out and get my coffee.  I think working a day job would be good for me.  Maybe I just need to see more sunshine!  I need to go to yoga too, the exercise and breathing and sweating and high heartrate really, really help.  I've been too sick though, last time I had strep I went back to yoga a bit too soon and thought I was going to pass out right in the middle of class.  

So onward I go.  There's one job I might just apply for I found in the classifieds today, and I do have an interview on Tuesday.  I'd really love to find a job before the enforcer comes back from holidays at the end of the month.  I had a horrible nightmare about him a few nights ago.  

posts about my clients will follow... as soon as I can work up the energy... 

Strep Throat...again (sigh)

Sorry for the lack of posts since vacation.  As I'm sure you can tell by the title of this, I've been sick.  I went to the doctor after church yesterday, because for the second time in three months, I've got strep throat.  Ick.  That chemical in the picture is pencillian, which I'm taking, again, to try and get over this.  So far it seems to be working.  

I'm feeling better emotionally since I last posted, which likely has something to do with the fact that I'm feeling better physically (or the fact that the enforcer is on vacation for the entire month).  I'm still not up to blogging though (and yet as always, I have so much to say).  

I hope you are all surviving winter as well (at least those of us in the Northern Hemisphere that is).