freaky

I had a kind of freaky day at work today. I really wish we had proper debrief! It just seems sort of...expected... that we won't have issues with the stuff that happens there, and I just don't get that. However, with some of the newer staff, I'm feeling able to form a bond so that maybe some of that debrief can take place, just informally, amongst ourselves. Because, maybe it takes place informally amongst the others, and I just don't fit in yet.

Anyway, not long before shift change one of my detox clients had a really bad seizure. At first I didn't know what was going on, I thought she was just joking around. She started gasping for air and stiffening and falling over. One of the other clients caught her. Mr. nice guy and I ran over to her and the three of us lowered her to the ground where she continued to seize. She started vomit a little, so we quickly got her on her side. Not a long seizure, but then a long period of unconsciousness with no rousability and odd twitches/eye movements. As she started coming out of it, Mr. nice guy left to check on the status of the ambulance and I stayed with her.

The client started coming around, but was behaving oddly. After getting no verbal response, I took her hands and asked her to squeeze them. The client squeezed, but instead of just squeezing she kept trying to put them in her mouth, and she was STRONG. I called for Mr. nice guy and he helped me wrestle myself away from her. Anyway, first response took a looooong time to get there, and my client was freakishly altered. No sense of where she was, how she got there, and asking very strange questions. Her voice was different and so were her mannerisms. Firefighters arrived, and did all her vitals and stuff, and then we waited, and waited, and waited for the paramedics. A consious female, even a very altered one, just doesn't take priority.

My client was SO altered though. And just odd. Every time a guy walked near us, she FREAKED out. She grabbed me really hard one time and freaked me out too. And she was freaking out all the other clients, because they wanted reassurance she was okay, and she didn't know who they were. She told me that the one man "had beat everyone up" (nope) and another had been kicking her purse (nope). She still didn't know where she lived, or where she was or anything like that. Strong denial about having a seizure.

Finally paramedics came and she was able to walk out with them. She wanted me to go the hospital with her, and I was quite sad that I couldn't. It's hard when you're with someone through something like that, and even though they have no clue who you are, they realize that you're someone safe and then you have to leave them. She'll be okay though. The paramedics were nice, and she's a white well groomed female.

But yeah, after that, shift change was over and it was time to go home. I thanked mr. nice guy for saving me from being eaten, but that was it, he didn't seem to want to talk, and one of my favourite staff just said, yeah, people have a post seizure period of alterdness. But, it freaked me out! I'm okay now, but yeah, it would have been really nice for someone to acknowledge that it had been a bit traumatic for me! Maybe I need to speak up more. Or maybe everyone at work is just so used to it now they don't even thinking about it. I mean, I've seen a few seizures already and I've only been there 3 months.

busy

I haven't disappeared. I've been busy though. I have much to say, and in fact, I have some awesome news. Had a great girls day too. However, after midnight lightsaber battles, whiny detox clients and piloting a canoe down the river, I'm going to bed!

Warehousing the homeless

I've decided, that our shelter, is not an emergency shelter at all, it's a warehouse. And it's starting to make me mad. I'm quite outspoken about my madness too, because it really is bothering me.

See here's the thing. To me, an emergency shelter is a place where people stay when they're down on their luck, when they've exhausted all options, when they need a place to revamp and get back on their feet. It's not a place where people live for 10+ years. That to me is something different. We need a place for that as well, but an emergency shelter isn't it.

I feel that we are in fact enabling people. Because we allow people in various states of intoxication into our shelter, they are able to use as much as they want and know they always have a safe place to come "home" to. This is good in theory. It's an accepting place, keeps people off the streets, out of traffic, and from freezing to death. In reality though, it means that people can spend all their welfare money on drugs and alcohol and not having to worry about food and housing.

That being said, in our shelter there are some people whose minds have been so destroyed by substances that I'm not sure they really understand the possibility of change. My heart aches that they have to sleep on a mat on the floor each night - if they make it that far. There are also people not that much older than me, who see no reason to change, and they are definitely capable of changing. It would be HARD work, and no doubt there would be slips, but they could do it. I'm always surprised that they don't see this, or see any reason to change "well all my friends are doing it". I get it, and I don't.

So my thought is, maybe we need housing for some of these people - particularly the old ones. Housing where they had a room, but meals provided, as well as some cleaning and stuff (while teaching life skills). Housing it was hard to get kicked out of, but didn't allow drugs and stuff on the premises (but did allow non violent intoxication). Get them out of the shelter, give them a place to call their own etc... But is that then enabling? Is what we do now just as enabling though? And less dignified?

This is just my first post about this, there will be more, it's an issue that's constantly on my mind as I look out at the shelter night after night.

Day Off

Here you have one very happy social worker. Why is this social worker so happy you ask? The answer, "it's her day off". Technically speaking, yesterday was my day off to, but I tend to spend the entire first day sleeping, and the second day enjoying my rested state.

Yesterday I slept, went out for breakfast with best friend, slept, went for a meeting with pastor, slept, went out for gelati with the intrepid one, and then slept then a talk with bestest bud before I passed out for the night. All in all, a good day though! I haven't been sleeping well lately, up every hour, so I took one of my lovely yet despised doctor prescribed sleeping pills, which is supposed to help me stay asleep once I fall asleep. It worked. I had a glorious 15 hours of sleep (although I did wake up a few times during the later half of that), and now feel rested and human again (it would take me at least an entire blog entry to process how I feel about those pills).

Today, I woke up to discover my shower wasn't working properly. There didn't seem to be any hot water no matter how hard I tried - living in an apartment that doesn't happen often. So I washed my hair in the sink (which mysteriously had hot water) and went out. Out you say? Out where? I went out for coffee with my old library from when I was a little kid. It was awesome.

I recently ran into her at a suicide intervention course. She's a marriage and family therapist now. She actually went to school with the therapist I saw when doing my social work degree. Anyway, she's awesome. It was really cool to run into her again. I went to story time every single week when I was a preschooler, and lots of them were done by her. I also took swimming lessons with her kids, and did the summer reading program every year (I love books). It was great to catch up with her, but also great to meet a "grownup" who thinks about things so much the way I do. I feel like she understands me, and understands my issues with certain policies and realties. It's great.

Now i'm just having some chill time and then off to a church meeting at which we're planning a community outreach event. I'm planning to ride my bike, even though it's a bit of a ways. Was planning on dinner with bestest bud, but plans changed, and honestly, my stomach is not feeling great from all the weird eating I did while working nights.

false promises

I'm getting sick of the police telling our IPDA's things they know aren't true. It makes dealing with them a lot harder, because they blame us when their expectations aren't met.

For example: Blankets. We do no provide blankets for our shelter let alone our IPDAs. Even if we don't talk about how much extra laundry that would be and the time and expense associated with that, we can't give them blankets. We need to be able to check if they're breathing every 15 minutes. If they were covered with a blanket, that would be pretty hard. Plus, many of our IPDA's try to hurt/kill themselves. We can't give them another tool. They already have to have all strings, belts, hairties, earings etc removed.

Next example: You'll be in out in time for work. Well no, you probably won't be. Especially if you work at 6AM and you were brought in at 3PM. Policy (it might even be law) specifies you must be kept for 4 hours unless you're transfered to ambulance, police or a responsible adult, and we do that very rarely. Even then, if you're not sober after 4 hours we're not releasing you. We have the right to keep you up to 24. We wouldn't do that, but we could. If you're still drunk after 12 hours we're probably calling non emerg ambulance to assess you and transport you because there's probably something else going on. One time, a guy went balistic on me and threw the phone across the room when he found out he was 3 hours late for work. I only kept him 6 hours, and he was sober when I let him out, but WOW.

Last example (for today): Water. I hate it when the police people that we'll bring them water. Because we might, but we definitely don't have to, and it's our judgement, not the cop's that matters. If my IPDA ss freaking out, I'm not opening the door to give them water! One of my coworkers got bowled over by an IPDA when he did that, and I'm just not comfortable with that. I will give water to the regulars, or quiet, well behaved IPDA's. I will also give water closer to the end of their time. NOT in the first hour or two. I just don't feel it's safe. I also give water to people who've taken E, they're usually all lovey dovey anyway, and that stuff dehydrates you like crazy - so I read, I've never tried it. I also only give out water when there's time. If I'm really busy, too bad. People complain that it's a basic human right, and it is. But, so is safety. If we had more staff, maybe. And I ALWAYS give water on discharge.

We had a rookie cop in this week. I told him what's what. It was funny. He looked younger then me, and trust me, I look YOUNG. I told him a bunch of stuff he shouldn't do, and I definitely told him not to make false promises!

grumpy tuesday

I had a grumpy Tuesday morning which started with a bad Monday night. It made me more aware then ever about how my mood affects clients. Interesting...

Anyway, Monday started off well, woke up at six, went to a friend's house for a youth retreat planning meeting, went out for ice cream! Went to work... Basically as soon as I got to work I felt sick. But, I went out on van patrol anyway. Half way through I stopped for some advil. By the end though I was just like "crap", how am I going to survive the night. I was soooo nauseous. One of our staff went home sick Sunday night, so I'm thinking "crap" maybe I have what she has/had.

I go down to IPDA (and I eat something, in case it's a "i had ice cream for breakfast" thing). Things are going fine down there, I do a discharge, and then I get five intakes in a row. Five. and not just in a row. I did five intakes in 25 minutes. Which is a lot. I was also interupted by some cops in police windbreakers looking for some guy who we haven't had contact with in four years. They told the other cops they "took priority". Maybe they did, but it meant I had to close everything I was doing and access a different part of the badly set up computer database. I didn't do any paper work till I was done with the intakes. Which has it's ups and it's downs. I almost passed out - I was dizzy, and begged one of the other staff to clean my cell from my discharge (yay for teamwork).

So I finish my turn in IPDA. Great. I tell my supervisor how sick I'm feeling and he orders me to take a break. I get distracted. I get reordered to take a break. So I sit down and eat and drink. One of the shelter cleaners (client) comes and asks for garbage bags, there's two other staff by the garbage bags. Neither of them do anything, but niether do I. SO one of our other staff comes in, client asks for garbage bags again. Staff get them, he thanks him, looks directly at me and says "cause all some staff do around here is sit on their arses". So I tell him he can't talk to me like that and he ignores me.

Fine, whatever. I'm annoyed, because this guy is well educated and not intoxicated, and he meant what he said. Some of our clients would say it in fun, or while drunk, I can deal with that, but not this. Especially when he has no idea that I'm dizzy or that i've been forced to sit down by my supervisor. So I mention it to my supervisor. He gets all defensive of me, and takes the client into the office for a little "chat". The client tells my supervisor that I'm the most patronizing staff member ever. Interesting. I'm not patronizing, I'm NICE. There is a BIG difference, and most people really appreciate it. I will have to watch myself though.

But, I was definitely in a bad mood, sick, tired, insulted, and now concerned about being called patronizing and a little annoyed that my supervisor did that. Oh, and I got reminded that people are only allowed one cup of coffee, so I had to work hard to enforce that. Everybody was swearing at me. It was a bad day. Oh, and it was raining. But I can't help wondering if the fact that I was in a bad mood to start with contributed to everyone's being mad at me. I mean, normally the clients in the coffee line do not swear at me. It just doesn't happen. I know my mood rubs off on clients, and so does my attitude. That happens with all the staff, and I see it on a regular basis. Even while intoxicated, people generally tend to respond better to people who treat them with respect (although it's a lot harder then).

When I was doing practicum only 2 days a week, it was a lot easier to curb my emotions while I was there and be happy all the time. Now that I'm working five days a week it's very different. I find that I'm having to work harder at it, and that I experience a greater range of moods over that time in general anyway. It's something I'm going to watch, reflect on, and see what happens.

Friday (or was it Saturday) night.

So I'm in IPDA (the drunk tank). And it's a Friday (or was it Saturday) night, and it's crazy busy. The police are sitting outside like vultures waiting for us to discharge someone. One comes out the door and in they bounce. IPDA full, IPDA accepting, IPDA full, IPDA accepting etc... There are of course the usual bangers and screamers, the regulars, the "kid" high on E, and the new and different ones. It's Friday (or was it Saturday) night.

We had a woman in from a bachlorette party, never been in the drunk tank before, and just crazy emotional. Alcohol does different things to do different people, many people are quite angry, but she was sobbing and crying and begging us to help her. It was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to listen to down there. Anger is so much easier for me to deflect then anguished pleas for help. Anyway, she was kicking her door, crying, screaming, begging etc... and she WOULDN'T go to sleep! I rarely let people out if they haven't slept. But, the police didn't give her a mat, they had to carry her in basically it said on her form, so she was understandably cold. I finally gave in, despite my coworkers complaints of "oh she's just a jerk" and threw a mat in her cell. This puts me at risk, but I'm a softey, what can I say.

Anyway, it's getting close to 9 hours and she's slept some, so I'm ready to discharge her. She's finally calmed down or so I think. And then the screaming and begging starts up again. I'm like "what the heck"? So I investigate, she tells me she's having an asthma attack, and her breathing really is quite screwed up. She has no inhalers in her belongings, and she's not calming down to my verbal reassurances. So, I call an ambulance (yay for direct dial bipassing 911), and then go into her cell to assess her and try and calm her down.

For someone who called me every name in the book that night, she latches onto me like glue and I can't leave, even to waive down the amublance. I tried to stick half my body out the door and she freaked. I'm trying to get her to stop talking and work on breathing instead, so I'm trying to babble so she can't get a word in, but at least use calming words, not random stuff. Nothing's helping and she just keeps begging and pleading with me to help her. I'm usually pretty good at calming people down, but not this, not this at all.

So firefighters get there. Take her vitals etc... she won't let me let go of her, so now I'm trapped in a cell behind two firefighters and their equipment. Can't get out to get her info for them (yay for radios). They put her on oxygen and she "starts" calming down... sort of. Paramedics get there. Thank goodness. Super nice paramedic. I really need to write a thank you card. She was awesome. Turns out, my IPDA is having an anxiety attack (which makes total sense). It takes me and the nice paramedic a LONG time, but we get her calmed down. She's breathing fine, her lungs sound fine. The paramedics are going to leave and I'll discharge her when we all discover, her ankle is broken/sprained and very swollen. So she winds up getting an ambulance ride to the hospital after all, probably freaking out all the way. Poor woman.

So that took up half an hour when I should have been doing discharges. Because I was trapped, and because we really are supposed to stay with them while the paramedics are there. It's just that we were short staffed, and yeah, usually they take them right away, not so much figuring things out. Oh, and did I mention the paramedics left ALL their garbage around for me to clean up? Oh well. I really do want to send a thank you note to the one who was so awesome... I just have to figure out how!

condradictions and cover letters

Dear *Boss*,

I love my job. I’m not sure quite why I love it, considering I spend a lot of time cleaning, doing laundry and washing dishes, but I do. The people who frequent *work* are special. Each one has a unique story, and even though at first glance it’s easy to lump them all together, it’s fascinating to begin to see the differences. At *work* I have the opportunity to share in people’s lives in a meaningful way. Many of the people who stay in our shelter consider this place to be their home, and I am so blessed to be a part of creating that sense of community and safety.

I wish there was no need for my job. Homelessness, poverty, addiction, intoxication, and brokenness invade my sights, smells, and hearing on a regular basis. People should not have to live in a cramped and crowded space, warehoused behind the scenes because society has forgotten about them. Women should not feel the need to work the streets, accepting rides from strangers in vans, because they’re so intoxicated they can’t find their shoes or remember how to get home. Men should not sleep on cold cement, guarded from the elements by only the clothes on their back; and they shouldn’t feel it’s all they have left. Hopelessness, fatigue, and depression are all prevalent on my emotional radar.

And yet, I do believe there is hope, and I believe that *our organization*, and I, am a part of providing it. While shelter mats, cells and dorms aren’t necessarily the best solution to a massive problem, they are a start of a solution and that’s something; something which challenges the mores of society and popular culture. Tucked away off the strip is a counter cultural revolution; a place where people are treated with unconditional positive regard no matter where life has sent them. I want to be a part of that revolution. Please consider me for the .6 crisis worker position posted this July.

Sincerely,

*Still Dreaming* BSW/RSW

Frustrated

I'm frustrated by homelessness, intoxication, addiction etc... but mostly be homelessness. I have a firmer grasp and understanding of the other two.

I was sitting on the fence at street ministry (literally, not metaphorically), watching as people enjoyed our barbecue, and I just felt this overwhelming weight on top of me, and this great frustration. It's hard to explain. No an "oh my goodness I can't do this" type weight, more of an "wow, this is stupid". And sort of a massive frustration with the people we were serving.

I have to tell you, I'm the first to be empathetic and over protective of my clients. I care about them (both individually and more so collectively) a lot. But, sometimes I get MAD at them (both individually and collectively). I get mad at them for taking another drink, I get mad at them for being dirty, I get mad at them for blaming other people for their problems. And yet, I see the bigger picture, and realize that nobody grows up dreaming of being homeless.

I don't know. I just know that working among the homeless challenges my views of homelessness which were already challenged by my work among the homeless. I realize that makes absolutely no sense. Let me try and explain. Society has views of homelessness. I grew up having different views because of my father's job, and my jobs etc... Now, those views are getting challenged as well. The more time I spend, the more complicated things seem to be!

nightmares...again

I have been watching WAY to much of this show. It's kind of...taking over my life? No, in all reality, this is how I like to watch TV, and probably the worst way I can watch TV. I am a very intense person. This I know. So, watching TV one series at a time, can be very "intense". I get very drawn into the show and it can actually affect me emotionally. So why do I do this? Well, because I'm a very intense person and waiting a full week for the next episode is really hard. It helps sometimes to find out what's going to happen, but I just discovered they're killing my favourite character in 3 episodes. I will survive, but I am NOT happy, and NOT looking forward to it! I keep reminding myself though, that they've killed off/gotten rid of LOTS of my favourites on ER and I suvived (had to stop watching that show in season eight though...tooooo intense).

What this post was going to be about though was my nightmares. People in the past have tried to blame my nightmares on the TV shows I watch (crime and medical dramas). I tend to agree with them, but then my nightmares will just seem so random that I don't really see how they're related to crime or medical dramas at all!

Like last night, I guess this could be related to NCIS considering it was a crime dream, but it certainly wasn't anything that happened in the show recently, I created this crime all on my own! Basically, it takes place on a ferry or boat of sometime (fine, I suppose there's a Navy tie in). Something about lots of really nice fancy cars, and lots of people who want to kill each other over the cars. Basically, I get to be a hero, but sneaking up to the eighteenth floor, taking a little ferry that's somehow attached to the big boat, and driving away from the ship all without the guys with the cars noticing. Where do I get to go? Not law enforcement, no that's the person in the other little boat. I go to the newspaper! Cause what we want on our crime scene is the press? Anyway the mystery somehow gets solved by having the side of the boat come down onto dry land (side, not front), and being stormed by SWAT, but not before I procesed many different ways of solving this and was freaking terrified. I suppose, the whole "crime fighting" thing could all tie in with my recent choice of TV. Perhaps I'll have to watch something...smiley...before bed tomorrow morning.