quest for self

I dunno if this picture will work or not... stupid computer.

Anyway, as part of my ongoing quest to become comfortable in my own presence I took myself out tonight all by myself. I went for a walk, got gelati and then went on a swing till I got motion sick (which in my case, takes less then five minutes). It was nice. I'm not great at spending time with myself, but certainly better then I was a year ago and I find that encouraging. I may be shy, but I am DEFINITELY an extrovert!

One of my friends suggested today that some of my problems with my coworkers may be that I'm too shy. She actually started by suggesting that I talk to much and that turns them off. Because really, I talk A LOT. Look how much I write! But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I can actually be really hard to get to know. The staff I have the hardest time with are staff who intimidate me. And because they intimidate me, I don't really talk to them and I don't respond really well to them. Interesting...

Then of course she pointed out that people are probably threatened by me. I'm knew, and yet I'm good at what I do. One of my supervisors has suggested this to me as well. I don't like to think that. I don't feel like I should threaten them, but in a way, I can see there point. But still, social workers aren't scary! Really, we're not!

it's a brutal cycle

I'm having a hard time empathizing with people who come into detox who really aren't interested in breaking the cycle of addiction. I mean I get it, and I don't. Of course, the first question you're probably asking while reading this is "well why are they in detox if they don't want to get clean?" That at least, I can explain.

At work we definitely work towards harm reduction. And I'm all for that. I really am, and that's the thing with detox; harm reduction. We encourage some of our regulars (or any/all of them) to come into detox to give their bodies a 10 day break for the realities of their addictions and street life. The get a bed to sleep in, nutrious food, milk and their meds on time each day. At any given time we have a couple of our regulars in their doing this. And some of them do move on to periods of sobriety. I haven't been there long enough to know if we've ever seen anyone do a complete one eighty and wide up a working individual with an apartment, phone, and cable.

Now a lot of our regulars are older, and have been doing this for a long time. Many of them have brains which either started out damaged (FASD, PDD, etc...) or have been damaged through use of drugs, alcohol and solvents. Drinking hairspray has long lasting consequences! I have a fairly easy time empathizing with them. Whatever their initial reasons for winding up on the street were, they've lived a hard life, and I really feel for them. I feel like we need to protect them.

But then, we have some younger people, people my age and a little bit older. People with SO much potential. Their brains haven't yet been destroyed, they're literate and able to function (in some cases at least), but they have no desire to stop the drugs and get off the streets. That, I have a hard time with. I just don't get it. How can you WANT to live on a mat, on the floor, sniff solvents, and wind up passed out in random places. One guy came in because he badly hurt himself while high/drunk/out of it, and was in danger of losing his leg from an infection. Once his leg was better, off he went. Harm reduction though. He's pretty sure he's going to stop injecting things and stick with sniffing and drinking.

Thinking about it in terms of the stages of changes helps. This guy is in precontemplation, and that's okay. People go through precontemplation before they go through other stages. It's the way it works. And there are things we can use with precontemplation. I've been using a lot of motivational interviewing in cases like this, latching onto people's ambivilence, reflecting back the bad things about use (but not neglecting the good things), providing information, and having an unwavering belief that the person can change (which reminds me, I should post about that). It's the empathy I have a hard time with. And I'm not sure it's going to get any easier...

life map

It's 5PM and it's my morning. I'm sitting on the couch drinking bad coffee from my portable french press because there's no coffee filters. Yet somehow, I am content.

I've been thinking, about how life doesn't come with a map. I've often said that there can be more then one right answer in any given situation, and I think this is true with my situation now. Applying for jobs and staying at my job are both "right" answers. It's impossible to know which one will be better. And very honestly, right now, I'm just going to stick with what I have now. I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now, I don't want to take any other risks, pathetic as that seems.

I had a dream last night about there being a vacancy in an awesome apartment down the street from me. A dream real enough I had to really think about it this morning to decide if it was real. It wasn't though, unfortunately. I had another dream about owning a car. This dream wasn't quite as real, although it was a fairly nice car!

I had a great phone conversation with a friend today. I love laughing, and somehow despite the fact that we were talking about some pretty serious stuff, there was a lot of laughter. I love friends I can laugh with. I also talked to bestest bud, it's her birthday; my present to her was NOT singing the birthday song. I actually do have something for her, I just have to go pick it up.

I had a bad day at work yesterday, but best friend came and met me and we walked home together. She lives on the way to my place so I only had 10 minutes or so to walk on my own of an almost 50minute walk. The walk and talk was really good (as was the iced cap she brought me). I've been eating too much fast food and it felt nice to just walk.

Life has ups and downs. And sometimes I get into these moods where everything feels like a down, but right now, sunshine, friends, coffee, and curling up with my blanket seem to be able to pull me out of it pretty quickly.

gulp

Still won't let me add a picture...

I just looked online at some job stuff. There's two jobs available in Assertive Community Treatment. One at the location I did my practicum at, one at the other one. Oh how much I want those jobs. Either of them, I'd go for support worker or service coordinator. I'm qualified for both of them, but really only have enough experience for support worker, except I did a practicum there learning all about being a service coordinator. So, I don't know whether or not I want to apply. I mean, it can't hurt, right?

Here's why not though. I told my current job I'd be there at least a year, I like my current job, I'm building repore with staff and clients, I fit in etc... But, if I went back to the old PACT office, I'd already have a repore with staff and clients, and a longer relationship with them then I had with the clients I see now. It'd stop being a conflict of interest for my volunteer position too as I don't see nearly as many. Getting into PACT would have me doing government work, and I could do it for a long time. It'd look great on my MSW applications. And getting a service coordinator position...wow, it's be a "real" social work job and I'd actually make enough money to afford a car - which I would need for the position anyway. Which is unfortunate, I hate driving, I don't want to by a car.

I shouldn't have looked. I should have just left well enough alone. I'm happy now. Why change things? Why mess with something that works? I would like to work in assertive community treatment though. But I'm scared if I go back things won't look quite as rosey.

It's a small world

Blogger is being stupid and not letting me add a picture. Either that, or it's firefox. It could definitely be firefox, I've been having problems with it all day. In any case, here is a completely new ethical concern I never even thought about until it happened.

I recently did an intake for someone I knew. Only, I didn't realize I knew them till partway through the intake. How is this possible you say? I only knew them through an internet message board and msn. I'd seen pictures, but it was quarter to midnight and dark in the shelter where I went and got her to bring her to the intake room. So the thing is, I'm pretty open on this website, and so was she, and so we both know lots of deep, deep stuff about each other never expecting that we'd meet... and we met. awkward much?

And I was a bit unprofessional... sigh. Things we think of in retrospect. I recognized her and she didn't recognize me. It was late, she was very nervous, etc... And so I told her I knew her and where from, I was hoping it would help her nervousness, to know someone, you know? I totally shouldn't have done that... just kept it anonymous.

I reassured her that anything I knew about her from our past relationship I would keep out of our professional contact. My intake doesn't reflect anything she didn't say... I hope. Sometimes it's hard to keep those things out... I'll try and pass off her file each time I'm in detox. Maybe I should have passed off her intake once I realized it too, but I was the only one back there (nights), and it felt okay at the time. It's not like we were all that close on the internet, we hadn't talked at all in probably over a year. More like just a mutual message board knowledge of each other.

But, it also makes me feel kind of vulnerable. Because she knows tons of stuff about me that I would NOT want getting to the staff at work. I've barred my soul on that website. Not recently, but in the past.

The internet really changes things. It changes the way we think of friends, the way we think of relationships. It changes the way I think of conflict of interest situations. It also makes stop and think, and realize that I need to narrow this down for myself. My city's big, but not that big, when does my knowing someone become a conflict of interest? I've had the file of someone I played with when I was 6 and 7 at my dad's drop in center... That didn't seem like a conflict of interest to me, and I don't think it was, but this?

These are times when I regret taking a job that's not explicitly a social work job. No social work supervision. And really, the supervision sucks. Not enough debrief, not enough feedback, not enough time to talk ethics... and honestly, ethics just doesn't seem to be on the mind of most of these people. alas.

ethics part one

I think I've mentioned this before. I work and volunteer in the same area of town with the same population. I always knew it would be a challenge, but now it's getting really confusing. Maybe it's a horrible idea, but I'm just not sure I can give up my volunteer work.

Today's case study. I recently dealt with my first seizure at work. People seize all the time. They're coming off and on a bazillion different drugs (both prescription and non) and many of them do have seizure disorders. I will see this a lot, it just so happened that this was the first time. The guy had two five minute long seizures. That's a lot, and long. Anyway, a family member of his was watching, saw the whole thing and was upset. I didn't have long to talk to her, because I was going out on van patrol and had to document and do other stuff. I made sure she was okay, told her she could come talk to us, but really, didn't have a lot of time for her... and I felt bad.

Of course I tell my best friend about my experience. I need to debrief the situation cause the paramedics were kind of cruel and there was a lot of intensity to the situation. The people in the shelter are sort of like a family in many cases.

Then comes street ministry. I have an opportunity to sit down and have a long chat with this family member. A much more in-depth one then I had the chance to at work. It's a great conversation.

Now, here's the ethical part. My best friend is also a team leader at Street Ministry. We generally tell each other - and the rest of the team in debrief - most of what the clients say. We keep each other updated etc... So, I tell her about our conversation. It's only natural. Then PHIA comes up, and the privacy act. I mean, she talked about it on our street ministry property, but I witnessed it on work property. See how it starts to get confusing? It's not like I told my friend the name of the person who had the seizure, she doesn't even know the last name of the women I was talking to. And the fact of the matter is, I've known her far longer at street ministry then at work, but we only started to have a deeper relationship after I started working.
So I'm going to puzzle this one out. There are many more situations, which I'll get to. Writing helps me sort things out in my head. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'll be doing some reading and some advice seeking in the near future.

happy :)

I had a great day at work last night (or is that a great night at work this morning), I never know. There were some hard parts, and a scary part, but really it was great.

I love working the night shift. The staff on nights are fun to be around, and they get their work done without taking things to over seriously. We laugh and joke and interact as a team - so important, and so different then some of the other shifts. It was also a quiet night for the most part, so we were able to have time to get things done well without feeling rushed.

It was also a good night because I saw a client that I hadn't seen in probably 6 months. She's someone I've known since my first summer job when I was 16. At that time she had custody of her kids, lived with her husband, and while she wasn't doing amazing, she was doing okay. Since then, things have gone down hill. Lost her kids, had her next child apprehended at birth, was using all sorts of drugs, prostituting, keeping odd company who was likely prostituting her, sniffing etc... I'd see her when I was out doing street patrols, or at street ministry, and she just looked like death. She's HIV positive, probably not on meds, not taking care of herself etc...

I really though she was dead. I really did. And then today she randomly walks into the drop in for soup at 7AM...sniff rag in hand, hand infront of nose, but in she walked. And she's ALIVE, and she's looking better then she has in forever. I told her about the street ministry bbq tonight (which reminds me, I have to post about my ethical issues), and I'm hoping she comes so that we'll have the chance to talk. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Van patrol was also good tonight. We didn't have too much people interaction, but we saw a raccoon, I've never seen one before, we watched it for a little bit. I was surprised to see one in city center. I had a really great talk with the other staff I was with, which was really nice. Plus, I decided that since the raccoon was the highlight of the night, I would write it on our trip log. So at 01:48 we had contact with "raccoon" on "a street" and provided the service "observation". Whoever codes that for stats should have a good laugh!

I love going to sleep with a smile on my face!

Oh Canada!

Canada Day was July 1st. I worked days, so I really didn't have the energy to write anything fun. So today, you get to learn all sorts of crazy fun facts you don't actually care about relating to Canada, the place I live, and the place I love (how corny is that). But truly, I can't see myself ever living anywhere else!

• With 9,971,000 square kilometers of area, Canada is the second largest country in the world, behind Russia.
• The glove for baseball was invented in Canada in 1883.
• With only 3 people per sq. km, Canada has the fourth lowest population density in the world.
• With 243,000 kms of shore, Canada has the longest coastline in the world.
• Canada also has the smallest jail of the world in Rodney, Ontario. It covers area of 24.3 sq. mtrs (about 270 sq ft).
• Canada has the highest quality of life in the world, as per the United Nations Human Development Index.
• Toronto is the largest city of Canada. It’s home to more than 5 million people and its dwellers are known to hold more university educations than any country in the world.
• Canada economy is the ninth biggest economy of the world.
• Opposing the popular opinion, Canada doesn’t own the North Pole. Indeed, the North Pole is not owned by any country.
• Santa Claus is believed to be from Canada.
• Canada is the eighth biggest trader in the world. Amidst all producers of natural gas, copper, zinc, nickel, aluminum, and gold in the world, Canada comes in the top five.
• Many great inventions, like basketball, the electric light bulb, the electric range, the electron microscope, standard time, the television, the telephone, and the zipper, took birth in Canada.
• Canada is also known to be the fifth largest energy producer; it provides electricity to the U.S. too.
• Canada has the highest tertiary education enrolment in the world.

So there you have it (source). Silly facts about Canada.

For real though. I love living here. I love public health care and low population density. That being said, I live in one of the most densely populated areas in Canada. I love our democratic structure. I even, like snow, although don't tell me that when it's -40!

Happy Birthday Canada!

It's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood (and if you're my neighbour you won't bug me)

It is a gorgeous day out today. I woke up, slowly and painfully - but I did it, and went out for breakfast with my pastor. It was soooo nice outside! Not too hot, not too windy, not too cold. Ahhh I love it. Where am I now? Oh, that would inside by the air conditioner, lol.

Why am I inside on such a gorgeous day? Well, because I don't have a yard or a tent. That's right, a tent. I plan on going back to sleep in about an hour. I work nights tonight, and I really just want to sleep right now. If I had it my way I would sleep later this evening, but little sister turns eighteen today, so I have to head over to my parents place for dinner and presents and such.

Really, what I should be doing this afternoon is writing my sermon for church on Sunday. And I will, it's just so comfortable right here...under my blanket...with my teddy bear :)

I love gorgeous days. Even when I'm inside they put a smile on my face. When it rains, I never quite get that joy of curling up with a good book. Rain bothers me. But this, this is weather I can totally live with. I love God's sunshine!

guess what, it's another post about...sleep!!!

I'm exhausted. work today was CRAZY. It showed me why social workers burn out. Because honestly, if it was like that every single day, I would burn out very quickly. Work yesterday was very busy too. Silly Canada Day making people drink! There is also the fact that I worked days both those days... I hate working days. They're completely and totally evil. My body just does not work in the right way for me to actively participate in a job that starts at 7:30 in the morning.

I can't even begin to explain how frustrated I am with one of the staff at work. She told me off in front of a client and a trainee today. She was right, but it wasn't something that was that desperately important that she didn't to stop what she was doing and get mad at me. And I didn't respond. I should have. I should have told her later. That if she had an issue with my work she needed to talk to me in private. Really though, it was just that what I was doing was bothering her, because she's a control freak. Then she was really rude to a client, and that bugged me waaaaaaaay more (I think). Part of me is still really just plain made at her for being a jerk to me.

I dunno. Being over tired today certainly did not help the situation any. Last night, because of Canada Day, there were lots of people partying and my neighbourhood was really loud. It kept me up waaaaay past when I needed to be asleep. And so, I was sleepy. And that, is my story.


p.s. My registration came through and I am now officially a Registered Social Worker!!!